Speed bumps

 

Things have been going pretty well, with the exception of a fall to porn now and then. I do have the Covenant Eyes accountability software, but both guys I have on have experience in SSA also, and I know they won't be surprised or shocked at sites I visit, so that hasn't been a strong deterrent, though it still helps, as they find out when I do fall in that area.

  I am still liking my job most days, but get frustrated some days with the nurses attitudes, especially when we are busy, and feel overwhelmed on some days. Not so sure I want to do this long term, and am praying about it already...... I still have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, and since this job is outsourced, the hospital could kick us to the curb in a year or two anyway....

   Before warm weather got here, I'd have to say my biggest trigger for temptations and a fall was worry. Now that shirtless guys are appearing, that is going to rival worry, but it is still a big factor. I have been staying with my parents for far too long, but am really worried almost to the point of being scared, about living on my own again. I am afraid I won't be able to swing it financially..... I am making a wage above minimum wage, but not much above, and even if it covers rent, bills, food, and gas... what about when my car dies, when I need tires, or my car needs worked on..... I start thinking about that stuff, worrying, and I become ripe for temptations, yet it is something I need to think
about.

  I don't know if it is just that stuff, but I have been feeling really discouraged and down since last night. I had a great week-end. Went to a Passion Play, had a great Easter, then Sunday evening came and with it, discouragement and depression. Tomorrow is my Monday, and I am dreading it. I wish I could take a few days off, but I can't..... I can't even get one extra day off unless someone covers it without getting overtime, something that is near impossible.

  I have even found myself thinking it would be better if I didn't have to live...... and though it may sound like it, that doesn't mean I am having thoughts of suicide. I am not. But it is thinking that hasn't been present for a few months now.

  I also have a fear that I am going to pay out money on registration for the Hope for Wholeness Conference, and then be told I can't have the time off. I did ask for it a few weeks ago in advance, but have to ask again closer to the conference. I know I need to have faith, but I still worry.

  In other news, I most likely outted myself to anyone who reads my other blog. I have a blog that I don't hide my identity on, and which I also share on Facebook and Twitter. I have said enough on it over the last few years that a few people suspected and were not surprised when I told them, but they also said what I had said was general enough that most people may not come to the same conclusion.

  However, in recent months, I have become increasingly bolder and open in what I have said, that I am sure more people figured it out. Then last week, I most likely removed all doubt and blew the door off of my closet. I did a blog post about what it is like to attend church and have to hide your struggles. I never said what I struggle with, but said enough that only a very dense person wouldn't get it...... and I even discussed homosexuality, porn, and depression in the same post..... so I am sure my secret is out.

   And I am OK with that. I am to the point I don't care. Yes, I am still a bit worried about family and co-workers, but still...... this is me, and people are going to like the real me, or they won't.

  I would like to get to the place where I could more openly discuss my struggle on that blog, but I will never be as open on here. I don't want everyone to know how promiscuous I have been. I don't want my family to read how I feel they have hindered in my healing, etc. - so if I ever do start openly discussing my SSA on that blog, this one will continue to exist, and I would most likely still post here some.

  This blog doesn't get a ton of traffic, but it still gives me a place to be more open and honest than I could be if everyone knew who I was. And I need that.

Hope for Wholeness 2014 video

Reply to mosichat

   I hate it when someone comments on a blog post and there is no way to reply to them. Such is the case with "mosichat". He didn't like my blog post Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle. He commented, and I'd like to reply, but there is no way to, so I am going to give a short reply on here. Since I don't know that he will see it, I will keep it short. First, his comment, then my reply:
Comment from a physician:
From a medical perspective, this is the classic example of "ego-dystonic" homosexuality or gay people who struggle with their homosexuality. Thus far, it is thought that "gay" or "straight" behavior develops @ about 10 - 12 weeks when baby is in the womb. Geneticist believe that epi-genetics plays a key role in this issue, thus no "Gay" gene. In any case, gay people had no "choice" in deciding sexual proclivities. That's why repeated attempts at "reversing" homosexual attraction have proven unsuccessful over time.
I have many patients who are teachers, physicians, attorneys, judges, factory workers, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters who are "gay." Fortunately only one or two have had serious "ego-dystonic" issues regarding their sexuality. But I'm really surprised how hateful and "proud" that "Christians" are to condemn one another. Hate mongers as Santorum, Rev. Phelps, Falwell, Lahaye, etc have contributed directly to self deprecation and suicide of our youth. Shame on you! Where is your sense of "love?" Doesn't it say somewhere - "...and the GREATEST of these is LOVE."

Mr. "Mosichat": did you miss the part where I struggle with same-sex attractions? That I have gone so far down the road of gay sex and all that comes with it, that I feared I could never come back?

So how is it hateful for me, someone who is trying to overcome my sin of homosexuality, to talk about being disappointed in a Christian singer who tossed his wedding vows out the window, left his wife, and went off to live the gay lifestyle because God didn't take the temptations and desires away?

Did you get that? I struggle with homosexuality!!!!  I am not some judgmental person who has no clue what it is like. I know more what it is like than you do. So shame on you for attacking me.

And it doesn't matter if we are born this way or not. We are all born sinners with a bent to sin. God isn't OK with us pursuing any other sin instead of obeying His Word, why would He be OK with us pursuing homosexuality?

  I have plenty more to say, but since you may never see this, I'll leave it at that. But I am beyond shocked you could accuse me of being hateful for wanting others to be free from this sin that had about destroyed me. Homosexuality is not good. And you sir, are doing more harm by encouraging people to pursue it, than the people you accuse of doing harm by fighting it.

Things so far

   Things have been going pretty well lately. I still feel so far from where I should be in my relationship with Jesus, but am trying to keep in mind it doesn't happen overnight.

  The credit and glory is all God's, but I am amazed when I look back at where I was a year ago, and where I am now. Is life perfect? No. I still have things I don't know what to do about and worry about - i.e. my living situation, but I am trying to take one day at a time.

  I am past the 6 month mark of having no hook ups, and thank God I haven't even been tempted to try to hook up since December when I got back to God. I haven't even felt a pull toward the hook up sites and apps that I had been using for so long, which is a miracle.

  There have been some times I have caved and fallen to porn, but after a few days, I ditch it and try again. I am hoping and praying for the day that it doesn't have the pull that it still has, and I don't want to be too easy on myself, but I am thankful it is just porn I have fallen to, and not sex. I need victory over both though.

  I do find myself looking at nice looking guys at work, but it is never a "wish I could do..." kind of thing, or undressing them. I am not sure it is actually lust, though I do take second looks sometimes, so maybe it is. But I am still making progress. God is helping me a lot.

  It may sound dumb, but it almost worries me how little of a struggle it is right now with my same-sex attractions. I do fear summer will be worse. I already saw my first shirtless guys last week on a warmer day, and it was hard not to look away, but these have been the best months in that area for a long time. I know people are praying for me, and God has been helping me. I have also gotten in contact and interact with others who are struggling with this issue also.

  I don't think I posted on here that I am planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference this year. It is something rising up to fill the vacancy left by Exodus International shutting down, and though they are still pretty small, it is something already helpful to me. I had been feeling I should go, but wasn't sure about driving my car that far, so I had been praying about it and told God my possible hurdles - also getting off work.

  I think it was  the very next day, a guy I have a mutual friend in common with and who had added me as a friend on Facebook, messaged me and asked if I was going. I told him I was thinking about it if it worked out. I said nothing about the car issue. He replied back the next day and said he was going, and I could ride with him if I wanted. He lives about 1 1/2 hours from me, so I can just travel that far in my car, and ride the other 7 hours with him. Seems like an answer to prayer for me.

 Barring any major financial need or disaster, the money shouldn't be a problem, and I already asked off for the days I need and told the guy I am reserving a motel and won't be able to get the money back. I don't know what I'll do if it comes up to the time and I am told I can't have it..... guess I should just keep praying about it and not assume it will all go well.

  I have been feeling God wants to use my struggles to help others. I have no idea how, and am not even trying to come up with anything right now. I realize until I cam completely "out of the closet" that may not be possible, but I am open to whatever God wants. I do have another blog where I am public about who I am and people read it who know me, and I have said enough on there that a person would have to be awfully slow to not figure it out.

  In fact, a few weeks ago, a Facebook friend asked to meet with me for lunch. He wanted to pick my brain as they decide how to address the gay issue, especially since they have a gay couple coming to their services. He prefaced it with referring to me having a lot of knowledge about the issue, and I figured he was assuming I struggle with it, so one of the first things I said to him when we met, was "I assume you figure this is an issue that I struggle with myself, and you're correct." And he had assumed that, but wasn't sure how to bring it up.

  And he can't be the only one who assumes that about me. And I don't care. I don't know if I am just tired of pretending, of hiding in the shadows, tired of pretending I don't want to get married instead of admitting there is a good reason I haven't...... or if it is God working in me preparing me for the day He can use me by my coming out of the shadows and saying what my struggle is.

  I think it would be great to have a ministry where guys meet weekly who are struggling, but I am not a leader type and not sure I could do that, yet God has helped others lead who didn't think they could. I don't know..... God is going to have to about hit me over the head with it before I'd try something like that.

  I am just hoping and praying that this is it. That I never go back to how I have been living. I know it won't always be easy, but I want to really commit for the long haul.

  One big help this time, is I truly believe God loves me, and though no one can truly understand grace, I understand it better than I used to, and realize God has truly forgiven my sins and is not just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out. That alone has done me worlds of good.

Progress

  Things have been busier lately, with my new position at work. Thankfully, I now have Sundays off, which is an answer to prayer, and I am working 5 days a week, instead of 4. However, that means I have less free time to read and blog, and I have been blogging so much on my other blog that isn't anonymous, that I haven't done much on this one.

 I feel God has been helping me to make some progress. I did fall to porn again recently, but I am still going on 6 months without hooking up for sex, and the lusting hasn't been too much of an issue lately either. Summer may be worse, as I have trouble not looking at shirtless guys, but I am sure God can help me with that too.

  I posted this on a Facebook group I am in for people dealing with SSA last week, and thought I'd share it here instead of trying to re-write it for my blog:

I wanted to share this, but I'll probably go longer than I intend. I am far from being "cured" from SSA, though it has been since September since I hooked up for sex.

Even then, I wasn't wanting to hook up that much, and passed on several chances to hook up. Part of it may be because I was finally starting to understand God's love and grace like never before, but I have been thinking about something else that might also be helping: my co-workers.

Until just a few weeks ago, I was the oldest guy on daylight as a security guard, but felt accepted by my co-workers, a couple of them young enough to be my kids. A couple of them that treat me the best are very nice looking guys, 21 and 25, and although I have nothing in common with them, they tease me good naturedly, and would ask me to walk with them when I was doing the same job as them. The 21 year old usually gets to work at the same time as I do, and usually walks in with me to work, often waiting by my car til I get out.

They call me by nicknames, a few have added me as a friend on Facebook, they have bought me food and drinks.

There have been many times since I started working with them in June that I have felt accepted and liked by them, but a couple of things happened recently that made me think these guys, who I have nothing in common with, and who I wouldn't hang out with outside of work, may be helping to heal parts of me that have been damaged since childhood, and helping even with the SSA stuff.

On Tuesday, Matt, the one who walks in with me, dove onto the hood of my car while I had my head leaned back listening to a CD before I went into work... scared the crap out of me, but it was funny. I got out and good naturedly called him a moron. He laughed and said "Oh, I love you Mark". I know the context, but it still made me feel good.

I started my new position as the ER greeter at the hospital, but the security office is right by me, and the guys come out to talk to me a lot. Two of them were talking to me and a young girl, when I got up to help some people, and I heard my other young co-worker say "I love that guy. I knew he'd be good at that job." With the rest of what he said, I knew he was talking about me... made me feel really good.

They know I am a Christian, that I don't drink or curse, and never have they made fun of me, but have made me feel one of the guys, even now when I am doing a different job than them.
These guys are very nice looking, one was even in some porn videos. I saw one shirtless (he took it off in the break room to put a icy/hot patch on his back), and felt nothing. Since I feel so accepted by them, I am not attracted to them.

I have also had a couple of guys from church become closer friends lately, and I am sure that has helped.

I've kind of rambled, but I am thankful for these guys. I have a long way to go on this road to recovery, but I feel God has used these guys in a positive way in my life to help the healing process along. It has also reinforced the belief that I have needed male affirmation in my life for a long time. Yeah, they are younger than me and live totally different than anyone I would hang out with, not that they aren't nice guys, but their acceptance and affirmation has been good for me.

March stuff

 

Things are still going pretty good, other than my falls to porn in the last few weeks. I do have a new resolve not to give in again. I am encouraged about it being 6 months since I hooked up for sex, and believe if God can help me in that area, He can help me in the area of porn. Admittedly, I don't think I have given Him a chance. It has been more me trying to talk myself out of it, than asking God to help me say no to the temptations.

  I have been feeling convicted in another area: food. Summer of 2012, I had lost quite a bit of weight, either 25 or 30 pounds, and was feeling pretty good about myself. Then I quit my job and went several months without one, and started eating more, snacking when I was bored and depressed, and the weight came back on. Although eating doesn't have the same effect on my soul and relationship with God, it is an area I need to get control of, not just so I can lose weight, but so it isn't another appetite that rules me, instead of me ruling it. Ideally, I wear size 36" pants, but have been in 38"s. My work pants are 40"s and since I haven't been wearing dress pants very often, I didn't realize til tonight when I tried several pair on, how few I have that fit. Its like 3 pair. Yuk.

  I decided it was time to get drastic, so I went in to the cupboard in the basement where I have a bunch of snacks sitting on it, gathered them up, and threw them away. It was about as hard as throwing away porn, as dumb as that may sound. I kept thinking about the money I was wasting. And it wasn't a ton of stuff... most of it fit in a Walmart plastic bag, stuffed full. Now to stop buying more, and to cut out any extra stuff.

  I did something pretty hard last night. My church still has times of testimony, when people stand up and tell how God is helping them, etc. I felt I should do it yesterday morning when they asked if anyone had one, but I didn't. I kept feeling like I should have gotten up, so I told God if they asked in the evening service, I'd get up. After we sung the first song, the song leader asked if anyone had something on their heart, and a few people got up and gave a testimony. Again, I chickened out, but promised God if they asked again, I would get up.

  After more songs, prayer, the offering, and special song, my pastor got up to preach and asked if there were any more testimonies. I got up and started talking, and I think it was the longest one I ever gave. I told about my new position at work and how I got Sundays off, and full time daylight - something they said I'd never get. I told about how I have struggled to believe God loves me all of my life, and the steps I took to overcome that and how God helped me with it. When I sat down, there was dead silence.... but I got a lot of compliments, and my one friend said he had tears in his eyes, so I must have made sense. I'd rather speak in front of the church, than stand up and give a testimony. Its scarier for some reason, and I don't have notes.

  I start my new position at work tomorrow, and am pretty nervous about it. Surprisingly, I haven't been too tempted with porn, and I normally would be when stressing about something. I am thankful though.

 I am cautiously optimistic. I don't want to have too much confidence, for then I may fall, yet I don't want to live every day fearing I will fall.

  God has been helping me a lot. I have come a long way in believing He loves me, which is a big help in and of itself, and the realization I don't have to beat myself up if I do mess up.

  There is still a lot of room for improvement, but as long as I am moving forward and not backwards, I am not going to sweat it too much. I am coming to see God is far more patient with me than I have ever been with myself.

  A guy from my church who I admire came up to me after church and said he appreciated my testimony. I told him thanks, and that I always feel stupid after I sit down. He said he has the same problem, but not to worry, I did great. Then he told me that I am much harder on myself than I should be. It was interesting to hear that from someone I mostly just see at church and interact with some on Facebook.

 There is a song that has been on my mind a lot lately: He Didn't Throw The Clay Away:

Empty and Broken, I came Back to You
A Vessel Unworthy, so scarred from Sin.
But He did not Despair... He Started over again
And I Bless the Day, He didn't Throw the Clay Away.

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His likeness, He fashions the clay.
A vessel of Honor, I Am today,
All because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.

He is the Potter... I am the Clay
Molded in God's Image, HE wants me to Stay.
when I Stumble...
and Fall... When My Vessel Breaks,
He just Picks up those Pieces,
He does not Throw the Clay Away...

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His Likeness, He Fashions the Clay.
A Vessel of Honor, I Am Today,
All Because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.

Six months

 

I was praying last night before I went to bed and was feeling a bit down about my spiritual progress. I feel like I am in Kindergarten, while I should be in 5th or 6th grade. I feel like I am still learning to walk, while I should be running.

 I have made great progress in believing God loves me, and in starting to comprehend that His grace is really for me and truly does cover all my sins I ever did, but I don't feel I am in awe enough of God and what He has done for me. Even though I have just started to believe in God's love, I feel I should be making better progress and be more mature spiritually than I am.

I have fallen to porn several times since getting back to God in December, twice after installing Covenant Eyes... once un-installing it, the second - last week - just shoving the fact aside that my accountability partners on there would see where I had gone on line.

  I was telling all of this to God, how spiritually inept I feel, and wishing I was doing better, and something came to mind: I haven't been with another guy sexually since September. I don't know of the exact day in September, but this month marks 6 months that I have gone without hooking up with another guy. It has been a long time since I went that long without a hook up.

 In December, when I finally repented and decided to get serious about this, I got rid of all of my accounts on the gay hook up apps, and the hook up sites on line.... and I was a member of a lot of them. I don't mean to trivialize porn or my falls to it, but it is a sign of how much God has helped me, and that I have made progress in the fact that once I deleted all of those accounts and apps, I haven't reinstalled them or signed up for them again..... and in the past I would have gone back to them in a month or less - and that I have gone 6 months without any hook ups.

And granted, part of the reason I didn't hook up in a couple of those months, was lack of opportunity. There were times I was chatting with guys who wanted to hook up, but there were time constraints, or it was a time it would have been difficult for me to sneak out of the house since I am staying with my parents right now... but there were also times in those months leading up to my repentance, that I did have opportunity, I had guys ready and wanting to hook up, and I backed out, or didn't take them up on it.

Looking back, I can see I was dissatisfied with what I was doing, and God was working on me.

The porn is hard to kick, but I am a bit more encouraged realizing the progress I have made with my other addictions: sex and chatting. I was on the gay apps constantly, chatting, and trying to hook up.... so I am thankful God has helped me break free of that. As I said, I am not trying to trivialize my falls to porn, or my addiction to it, but I am thankful my falls have been to it, and not to sex. And I am encouraged if I keep seeking after God, I can look back in another 6 months and be free from porn, and be free from the hooking up for a year.

I am still tempted sometimes to try to hook up, and I still struggle with lust, and find myself taking second or more looks, but thank God I have made the progress I have made, and I am hoping and praying I can break free completely from my addictions and sinful behaviors.