Note to DJ

  I was surprised to find out you are a woman, but that definitely doesn't disqualify your input. If at some point you want to share privately how homosexuality has impacted you, feel free. I defintely don't have all the answers, but I obviously know a lot about it.

  You're correct. Homosexuality is a big issue. Thing is, so many people think its all about sex, and it isn't. I believe even the most raging gay guy that claims he is 100% happy with his sexuality, is dealing with deep emotional needs he is trying to bury with sex. A new friend of mine I made through my blog who struggles with SSA was discussing this with me via email: He and I both do not struggle with being attracted to or tempted with lusting after, men we know well, i.e. at church. My best friend struggles with SSA, and I am not attracted to him, nor tempted to lust. Why? Because I feel accepted by these guys. I see them as just guys, not sexual objects. My email friend said if I could see all guys that way, it would help a lot, but I don't. The average attractive, cute, or "hot" guy I run across are guys I feel intimidated by, who I feel I have nothing in common..... they are to me what women are to a heterosexual male - opposite of me, and something to desire and be attracted to.

  I'm starved for male attention and affection. Sex is a poor substitute for godly male affection and camderie, but on some level, it fills that need, though only temporarily and superficially. I don't know your circunmstance, but assume you are close to the someone dealing with SSA. If it is a male, the more positive males he has to affirm him, love him, truly be his friend and care about him, the better off he will be.

  The church has made homosexuality such a bad sin, that guys like me almost feel like we have committed the unpardonable sin. It IS a bad sin, but it is just like any other sin in that God will forgive it as easily and completely as any other...... and as difficult as it seems, deliver from the sin, though deliverance may not look like what I want it to, and will involve work and a close relationship with God.

  Thanks for the book recommendation. If I had not used up all my Amazon gift cards, I'd buy it right now, but will put it on my wish list. Sounds worth reading.

  Thanks also for your birthday wish and prayers, and your input. It is rarer than it should be for Christians to take an interest in the soul and battles of another, especially when they do not know them..... I hope and pray I can do that for someone some day. Your words and prayers are helpful, and I have re-read them and taken them to heart. May God bless you for your kindness.

This Is Our Time

    It was around midnight last night and I didn't feel like going to bed, so I pulled up Netlifx on my pc. I tried to cancel it last month, but missed it by one day, and it put my final date late this month, so I figured I may as well get one more movie out of them - money is tight enough that I can't justify the $7.95 a month.

    I had heard a little about a Christian movie, This Is Our Time, and decided to watch it. My reasons were far from pure..... it had some nice looking young guys in it, but by the time the movie was over, that was far from my mind.

   The movie is about 5 young people who are good friends, 3 guys and 2 women, who have just graduated from a Christian college, and about God's purpose in their lives. I found myself totally relating to the one guy. He felt like he was on the sidelines, benched, and couldn't understand why God wasn't working things out in his life, but that wasn't the biggest thing I walked away from the movie with, though that did have a big impact on me.

   I don't want to give too much away, in case someone reading this blog post decides to watch the movie, but there is a tragedy that happens in the movie and the friends are struggling to understand it, understand why God let it happen, especially when they were doing God's work. One of the friends launched into a sermon of sorts, and that is the part that has been resonating in my mind. His friend had made some kind of comment about it should be easier when you're doing God's will, and this guy replied with this, not verbatim:
   "O yeah? Tell that to Paul. Tell that to Stephen. Tell that to Moses, tell that to the other people in the Bible They didn't have it easy. They were stoned, they were whipped, they had their heads cut off, they were nailed to a cross. The people in the Bible who we look at as the greatest heroes of the faith didn't have it easy. They had it hard, so what makes you think it should be any easier for us?"

   Good question. Why do we think we should have it easy? Why do we think we should have a life that is perfect, goes just the way we want it to, because we are serving God? Granted, I am not doing so right now, and have never had the kind of relationship I should have with God, nor have I felt I was in the center of His will doing some work He had for me, but still.....there is nothing in the Bible to indicate being a Christian is going to be a cakewalk, that everything will go just peachy for us and we will never have adversity. Just the opposite is promised.

  I've prayed and begged God to make me "normal." Even if I ever get the kind of relationship with God that I need, I will still battle homosexuality. I will still battle loneliness. I have been thinking lately about how daunting the idea of walking away from it and living as I should is. Its hard to do alone, yet I don't have friends to hang out with a lot, to be involved and be there for me...... but is that an excuse to not do it? Does that give me license to go on living this way? No. It won't be easy. It will be hard, more difficult than anyone else can imagine, but it beats being whipped, stoned, nailed to a cross, boiled in oil..... it beats having no arms or legs like Nick Vujicic, or paralyzed from the neck down like Joni Eareckson Tada.

   The guy in the movie had it right. The people we look at as the greatest heroes of the faith are the ones who went through the most, the ones who didn't - and don't - have it easy. And if we are one of those who don't have it easy, who knows how God might use us if we hang in there, keep on serving and trusting Him, and not give up.

Love's playlist

    Today was my birthday. I turned 44, and handled it better than the last few birthdays. 40 was rough..... I cried before, during, and after it. Sounds dumb. It just seemed I'd have it together by 40, and I didn't.

   Things haven't been too bad lately........well, I guess they aren't good, I've just been trying to change my outlook on things. I'm not where I need to be with God, nor am I ready to take all the steps I need to take to be there. As my one commenter on here has said, it is going to take some hard effort and serious commitment on my part, and to be honest, I'm not there yet. I am trying to keep a more positive attitude and have done pretty good with not mentally wishing I could kill myself constantly as I had been doing for the last several months.

  I've also been trying to read at least one verse in the Bible. It is often the same verse a few nights in a row, using different versions of the Bible. I'm also praying. They aren't long prayers, and pretty much consist of my asking God to help me believe that He loves me, to find Him for real - to have a real relationship with Him, to help me get my life straightened out, and for help with a job.

  I was taught growing up, and am pretty sure I heard preachers preach it, that the only prayer of a sinner that God hears, is one of repentance. Depending on your theology, I may not be a sinner, though I see myself as one..... regardless, I am definitely not where I need to be with God, and maybe He won't answer some prayers, like for a job, but hopefully He will answer the spiritual related requests.

  I did get a call about a job this week. It is something I am interested in, pays better than any job I've had. I don't know if it is full time, but they are supposed to be doing a background check, then calling me in for an interview, so here is hoping it goes well. My money situation is getting to the point I am getting worried. To add to it, I got a speeding fine, though they did give me two extra weeks to pay it, and I can call in then and extend it more if I need to..... which I am going to need to do.

  Since I struggle so much to believe God loves me, I have been trying to work on that. I've read a few books lately that deal with it. I also made a playlist of all of the songs on my Ipod/Itunes about God's love, hoping it will help to listen to songs focusing on that. We even sang two of my favorite hymns on that subject in church this morning, "And Can It Be" (Amazing love, how can it be...), and "My Savior's Love." Maybe if I listen to those kind of songs enough, it will start to sink in. I came up with over 80 songs for my playlist, and that was just Southern Gospel. I haven't gone through the praise and worship and CCM songs on my Ipod yet...... I have over 6000 songs on there, so it takes a while.

  I don't want to take credit for my more hopeful outlook. Yes, I am making a concentrated effort to be more positive, but I know there are people praying for me, some through this blog, and I appreciate that and do not take it for granted. The prayers are helping.

  One of the songs on my "love playlist" that has been sticking with me is one titled "He Loved Me Anyway". If I could really grasp and believe what it says, I would be making great strides in this area. Maybe I need to listen to it over and over. Lyrics below, and the youtube video below that:

He Loved Me Anyway

Verse 1
She had a moment on a back wooden pew
Of a white church with a cotton field view
It was a tugging she couldn’t explain
She could hear God calling by her name
For a second she wanted something more
But she walked out the door

Chorus 1
As He watched her go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping she’d be back some day
When He looked at her, He knew she’d walk away
But He loved her anyway

Verse 2
He woke up in a motel room
By a woman that he barely knew
Opened the drawer of the cheap night stand
Held a Gideon Bible in his hand
In the silence, he wanted something more
But he walked out the door

Chorus 2
As He watched him go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping he’d be back some day
When He looked at him, He knew he’d walk away
But He loved him anyway

Bridge:
For so many years, I walked out that same door
But when I finally decided to stay
I realized all those times that He loved me anyway

Chorus 3
As He watched me go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping I’d be back some day
When He looked at me, He knew I’d walk away
But He loved me anyway

Is gay the problem?

  I love to read, but tend to read mostly Christian fiction. Maybe I'm shallow, but I rarely read non-fiction, and maybe that is one reason I have had a hard time really getting into reading the Bible. You can't read it like a fiction novel. That, and I have tended to read it more out of duty.

  Lately, I have been reading more non-fiction books, and that along with the comments of man on here who sounds like he was raised the same way I was, have caused me to do a lot of thinking. Maybe being gay isn't my problem. Oh, it is definitely wrong and harder to deal with than anyone can imagine, unless you have been there yourself, but I've spent so much time on it. If I'm not giving into it and looking for sexual hook-ups with other guys, I am spending all my energy trying to fight it, and I need to fight it.

  But what if homosexuality was taken out of the equation. What if I woke up tomorrow suddenly straight? Would I suddenly be freed from all my doubts, chains, fears? Would I suddenly develop the urge to be monogamous and not seek out anonymous sexual encounters?

   The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that not much would change. All my lust would simply be transferred to women, instead of men. Because sex isn't the core issue. The core issue is that I have never been able to have the right kind of relationship with God. I've never been able to believe that He loves me, never been able to love Him. There are a lot of factors: getting picked on as a kid, hell and brimstone messages to scare me to the altar, lack of or perceived lack of love from my father, controlling parents, poor self esteem issues, the feeling I can never measure up to anyone's expectations. And yes, my being gay. Some of those things factored into my being gay, but being gay has also factored into my God issues.

   I was a late bloomer. I was 21, and in Bible college when I realized I was gay. Looking back, I can see the attractions started way before that, but I was a naive' kid and barely knew what gay was, I was so sheltered. When I realized what the issue was, the reason my two attempts at dating had failed miserably - it was like dating a buddy - I was devastated. The Bible said homosexuals were going to hell, and in my mind, I had committed the unpardonable sin. Looking back, I wonder if I had believed differently, if that would have stopped me from diving headfirst into sex with other guys. That was 23 years ago, so it doesn't really matter now. But it did help cement the belief that I was too bad for God to love, to messed up.

  Over the years, I practiced "see-saw religion." I'd go periods of time indulging in porn and sex, only to get to a point that I was miserable, and repent. I'd try to serve this strict God, feeling like He was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. Sometimes the temptations would get too much, the loneliness too much, and I'd give in, and go back to the sex and porn. Many times, I got discouraged, tired of trying to live a dry religion, trying to please a God who seemed impossible to please, and I'd give up out of discouragement.

  The gay issue will most likely always be there. I will have to guard my heart, my eyes, be vigilant and careful, but I'm coming to believe that the sexual battle could be more easily won if I had what I have never had: a relationship with God. I catch myself wondering sometimes if I have ever actually been a Christian, but I do believe I have been, but it was shallow, and more religion than actual Christianity. I've felt God's help when I spoke, or even blogged, and could tell a difference when I spoke in church and was on the verge of giving up. I would never speak when I was down, but I definitely had times that I did better spiritually than others. Just not good enough.

  I've been living a religion of rules and checklists. No, I don't have a literal check list, but a mental one. Read a chapter in my Bible, check. Prayed, check. Went to Sunday a.m. church, check. Went to Sunday evening church, check. I tended to gauge my spiritual life by how well I did those things and how well I kept the rules of the church......... but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Christianity has to be more than duty, traditions, living to please others more than God, more than rules. I believe we could all do better to apply the Bible to our lives in where we go, what we see, what we wear, but if our religion and how we gauge our spiritual temperature lies in how well we do all that, how well we do on our checklist, then that is what it is, religion. According to the Bible, Christianity isn't a religion. It is a relationship.

 I mentioned earlier there was a man who had said some helpful things on my blog. I don't think he'll mind my posting part of his first comment here, as it relates to this, and has helped me see what I need:

You want the "secret"? It is WORK at first, but it WILL change your life. It is SEEKING Him. With all your heart. Not in church. Not on discussion boards. Not in other books, even those written by Christians. Not talking it out with someone. You are in a spiritual battle and the way you fight the enemy is to OUT TRUTH him. I spent months fasting from electronics and food, laying flat on the floor, crying to Him and studying His Word. (I even went to a Christian day school as a kid and could quote scripture but had NO personal understanding of it.) I still had a job and responsibilities, but every free moment possible, I decided I was going to find Him to be real or not. If He would reveal Himself to other ordinary people, surely He would show me something of Himself. Remember playing hide-and-seek? He isn't hiding but we have to SEEK. I even quit listening to Christian music - I only listened to His Word on Biblegateway when I needed something to listen to. I was angry at Him, because I felt like He was so far away but I was determined to discover Him. It was awful - the enemy was brutal but eventually the light started breaking thru. At 40 years old, after being in church my whole life, I finally actually WANT to read His Word instead of it being an obligation on my to-do list, as a believer. He blessed me with an actual vision that changed my perspective of Him being so controlling and mean to a God who IS actually loving! It didn't happen overnight but He IS a rewarded of those who earnestly seek Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)

I have true peace for the first time. I am holding on to His Word that He MEANS what He says when He says NOTHING is impossible with Him.

Mark 9:21-23
John 9:3
Acts 4:22

Don't give up and look at your circumstances, determine for a season to focus only on Him. It was hard for a season but worth it!

Bottom line - all the songs, sermons, verses and testimonies that I've heard my whole life about Him, being faithful and loving to what I thought was for everyone but me........ were true, even for someone as messed up and with a skewed view like me.

You were valuable enough for Him to die for and He doesn't want you to suffer and someday squeak your way into heaven just to avoid hell. He wants YOU to have life HERE to the full too. Will there be trials? Sure. But He actually DOES come thru for people like us too. :)

You are loved. Make HIM your mission and watch what He does.

 
 Sounds like work, but I believe He nails it. It takes work to pursue a relationship, whether it be as friends or lovers, it takes work. You can't just sit back and let it happen. You have to spend time with the person, learn as much as you can about them, listen to them, not just talk at them. Why should it be any different with God? Yet I have made it different. Granted, I and circumstances in my life have created a God that I don't want to know that well, which means I need to find the real God, learn about Him. It may take my doing what the man I quoted above.

   I don't believe in eternal security, once-saved, always saved. I see issues with how I believe, but I see issues with it. I won't knock people who believe it if they don't live it carelessly (such as feel free to sin - I've known people to). I have asked them before, "if you can't miss Heaven now, no matter what you do, then why bother turning down temptation? Why not just give in?" The answers I got can be summed up in this statement: If you love God, you want to please Him, and will try to avoid sinning." And therein lies my problem. When faced with temptation, whether it be sexual, or..... well, does the devil even try anything else on me - that one works so well - I battle the temptation out of duty, and sometimes the desire to do right. But because I don't want to hurt and grieve God? No. That never enters the equation. I don't love Him, and He doesn't love me, so why would it? But if I did love God, if I had a real relationship with Him and believed that He loved me....... there would be a much bigger reason to say no to temptation. It would still come, and it would still be hard to resist, but I believe it would be easier to resist if I had a real relationship with God, and not a rules and checklist religion. May the day come when that is fact, and not simply wishing.

The Exodus Experience, a re-post

Exodus International gets a bad rap. The militant homosexual movement hates anyone who says their lifestyle is wrong and that they can change - which is ironic, considering they accuse anyone who disagrees with them of being hateful and intolerant. Odd that they turn around and act so hateful and intolerant of those who say you can change, and of those who do change. Anyone who dares have any kind of gathering promoting the idea gets protestors - angry & hateful protestors. There is even a website called "Ex-gay Watch", whose only objective is to run down anyone who promotes the idea that they can change. The website owner tried the "ex-gay" ministries, and it didn't work for him. Now, he is bitter and is out to convince the world that Exodus, and anyone like them, is evil and hateful.

There are Exodus chapters all over the world. I tried a local one a few years back, but it was run by an older woman, and in my opinion, not very well - it could be it just wasn't what I was expecting, but there are many chapters where people who struggle with same-sex desires can find help.

Three years ago, I decided to go. My best friend and I signed up and got scholarships available for first-time attenders. Most of our way was paid. It was about 6 days long, and was not what I expected. I expected them to get up there and go on about how once you commit your life to Christ, it will be easy, you should never struggle ever again, but that isn't what it was like. I heard many times that it is a daily battle. Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, formerly lived in the gay lifestyle, now married with kids, even said if he did not guard himself and stay close to God, he could fall.

One thing he said has stuck with me. He said people have told him he is just in denial, and he agreed, but said not the denial they talk about. He is daily denying himself as Christ commanded - something we all must do if we want to please God.

The speakers were varied. There were some who had formerly lived the gay lifestyle, but now were serving God, and there were speakers who had never dealt with that issue. Contemporary singer Clay Crosse and his wife spoke one evening about his struggle with pornography. He also led worship that evening.

Shannon Ethridge, author of the "Every Woman's Battle" books, and more, spoke one service, and though she didn't necessarily speak on homosexual issues, it was great. She made one humorous gaffe - she was relating the story of a man she knew who fell into sexual sin. As she was telling the story, she said "and then he met this woman - you know any time there is sexual sin, a woman is involved....." and she looked out and realized who she was talking to. She, and everyone else had a good laugh.

There were 3 daily services on most days. They had a worship band there who led in worship choruses to start, and man could that crowd worship. I think those who struggle with this sin have so much to thank God for, and possibly may have to depend on Him more than the average Christian - and it showed in the worship.

Not every speaker spoke about the homosexual struggle. The main theme was how we all need to draw closer to God and leave our sin behind, no matter what it may be. No matter the struggle, many people could have sat in those services and received encouragement and help.

During many services, they would play a short video of someone famous or semi-famous in the Christian world giving a short talk to us. One that went over tremendously well was by CCM singer Joy Williams, and then they played her song "Hide". A few of the words here:

"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore"

The reason that song hit home is another reason that the whole Exodus experience was so awesome - to wander around on a college campus full of people like me - who struggle with these same desires, and are trying to live for God and deny those desires - no one had to hide who they were. No one judged you. How totally awesome.

There were also workshops on different subjects, with a few going on at the same time, so you had to pick and choose what ones were most important.

And the food......man, did they feed us. They had a caterer who served the most awesome foods. There were fountain drinks and ice cream - man, that was even worth going for!

I walked away from that week tremendously encouraged. Of course I knew there were many others who struggle with homosexuality and are serving God instead of giving in, but to see so many and be around them - I really can't put into words what that did for me.

There were of course a few protesters - why on earth they have to protest peaceful non-hateful things like the Exodus conference - I didn't hear any hate while I was there, only love and encouragement.

Suggested book: God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door

This is another book I haven't read: God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door: Reaching the Heart of the Gay Men and Women in Your World by Alan Chambers, but I know enough about it and the author, that I can recommend it with good faith. It is ideal for people wanting to help gay people and understand them better. It is good reading for people who are struggling with same-sex attractions also.

Book description:

Author Alan Chambers--a former homosexual himself--and four of his colleagues at Exodus International offer practical and biblical insights on how both individuals and churches can become a haven for homosexuals seeking freedom from same-sex attraction.
In this comprehensive guide to helping homosexuals, readers will learn about:

• The roots of homosexuality
• God's radical grace for sexual sinners
• Reaching youth both within and outside the church
• Dealing with fear and ignorance in the church
• Leading gays to Christ
• Mentoring homosexuals in the church
• Three degrees of homosexuality: militant, moderate or repentant
• Five things not to do in reaching out to gays

and much more about this often perplexing subject.

Reply to DJ

DJ, First off, no worries about replying here. I wouldn’t want to give my email address out to some person I don’t know either, which is why I gave out one that isn’t my main email address - didn’t want it on here for everyone to see.

You’re right on. I have a lot of head knowledge about being a Christian, about God and the Bible, but that’s where it is. In my head, not my heart.

I attended a Christian school K-12, sad that I got bullied so much in a Christian school, but I did, then went on to attend a Bible college for 4 years. I’m not saying I know it all, but I have learned a lot about God and being a Christian, but where has it gotten me?

I have kept all, or most of, the rules of the church, and yet God has been so far away even when I tried to serve Him. Its kind of ironic, or bizarre, that I’ve kept the rules of the church, yet given myself to so many guys sexually.

My church does believe in and teach sanctification, something I can honestly say I never managed to get, and to be honest, have quit believing in. If its real, why is it so hard to obtain? And I have seen so many people profess it for years, then suddenly decide they didn’t have it after all. Plus, I don’t believe it does everything the church teaches that it does. Either that, or many people who profess it, do not have it. I’m not really sure what to believe about the Holy Spirit. If I toss out the sanctification doctrine I was taught - and I have tossed it out - then what is His role? Maybe I need to read that Francis Chan book. I read Crazy Love by him and thought it was a tremendous book.

I have read one Jim Cymbala book, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. It, and other books I have read have made me hungry to really know God and feel Him in my life, but I’ve never really managed to get there. God has been more of an acquaintance, a “get out of hell free” card, but not much of a relationship. I always figured I’d have it together spiritually, and other ways too, by now. I’m about to hit the age of 44, and can’t believe how messed up I still am. Not that anyone ever totally arrives spiritually, it is a lifelong walk, and something everyone needs to work at, but I mean I thought I’d have a real relationship with God, a steady one where I wasn’t down, more than up, where I trusted Him instead of doubting Him.

From some of the things you have said, I would guess we were both raised in the same denomination, or one close to what mine is, even your mention of TV and movies….. That was a no-no, not that it has stopped me. I’ve come to realize it isn’t the medium that is wrong, its what we watch that can be wrong.

Even though you never struggled with SSA as I have, your religious experience sounds a lot like mine, though you have managed to grasp what I haven’t yet. I long for it to be more than a duty, to read my Bible and pray because it means something, not something I do to check off a list.

Why does it seem so many people have it so easy? Looking on, it seems its all downhill for them, not an uphill struggle. And yeah, I get it that people don’t always advertise their struggles, but you can tell from people’s testimonies in church and their outlook, that they have the “goods“.

Thanks for replying. I do appreciate your insights. And if you don’t mind saying a prayer for me, I’d appreciate it. I really want to get where I need to be with God.

Book suggestion: Love Is an Orientation by Andrew Marin

I have not read Love Is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community  by Andrew Marin, but my best friend read it and has been raving about it. It is as much for straight Christians as for gay people. Both can benefit from reading it

Book description:
Andrew Marin's life changed forever when his three best friends came out to him in three consecutive months. Suddenly he was confronted with the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community

(GLBT) firsthand. And he was compelled to understand how he could reconcile his friends to his faith.

In an attempt to answer that question, he and his wife relocated to Boystown, a predominantly GLBT community in Chicago. And from his experience and wrestling has come his book, a work which elevates the conversation between Christianity and the GLBT community, moving the focus from genetics to gospel, where it really belongs.

Why are so many people who are gay wary of people who are Christians? Do GLBT people need to change who they are? Do Christians need to change what they believe? is changing the conversation about sexuality and spirituality, and building bridges from the GLBT community to the Christian community and, more importantly, to the good news of Jesus Christ.

Book suggestion: At The Altar of Sexual Idolatry

This is another book not specifically geared for the homosexual struggle, but sexual addictions in general for men. At The Altar of Sexual Idolatry by Steve Gallaher is a great book that would be helpful to guys struggling with same-sex issues, porn, heterosexual sexual addiction, etc. There is also a workbook available to use with the book.

Book description:

Sexual temptation is undeniably the greatest struggle Christian men face. Here’s a book that digs deep and has the answers men are looking for—the kind that actually work. While other books deal
with the subject superficially, Sexual Idolatry goes right to the heart. It draws back the curtain and exposes how sexual sin corrupts the entire man, something Steve Gallagher understands, having lived in the bondage of it for over twelve years. Put an end to the mystery of lust and maximize God’s power in your life with the proven answers that have helped thousands.

Parent problems

   My youngest sister and her family are moving over 500 miles away from us to pastor a small church. To say we aren't thrilled is an understatement. I had been hoping they would move closer, not further away.

  I called her yesterday to chat, and she asked me a surprising question at one point: "Do you ever remember Mom & Dad telling you they were proud of you?" The answer was "no" of course. She went on to say she always felt like she needed to act a certain way, to get certain grades for them to be happy with her. She said how hard it has been with this upcoming move, something they feel God wants, with my parents fighting it.

  I was shocked. I thought it was just me. We even discussed how they still try to tell us what to do and won't let us make our own decisions without giving their opinions and trying to convince us to do what they want. And they aren't bad people. As my sister said, they'd do anything for us, help in any way they could if we needed help, but they won't let us go. They won't let us make our own decisions if they differ from what they want. And we are adults.

  My sister went on to say that the man who is currently principle at their Christian school, and he also attends their current church, had said he believes adult children should live 2-3 hours away from their parents. And he has 2 adult children with kids of their own, and yes, they live at least that far, if not further away from he and his wife. I've thought about that, and I think he is right. I believe it would be good for me to have a little distance from my parents. Not 500+ miles  like my sister is going to have here in a few weeks, but an hour or two, yet I know even if I found a job and place to live an hour away, I've got a fight on my hands. Sure doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

   I never talk with my family about my sexual struggles, but did with my sister some yesterday. I told her about my mom coming into my room when I was 8 or 9 and saying my dad thought I was too old to get hugs and kisses from him, and how I grew up never having that from him, never feeling like he loved me, and that I was a disappointment. It felt weird, yet freeing to talk to one of my siblings about it.

  I know I need to make some changes in my life, and this parent issue is one, but I feel it is best to do so when I have a job and can get out on my own again. I need to live like what I am: an adult.

Thanks DJ

Don't know if you'll see this post, but thanks DJ for your comment on my "Bondage to Bondage" blog post.....I appreciate what you had to say, and you have given me much to think about. If you have any other advice, I'd be happy to hear it. My email is ohio526atgmaildotcom( typed it in that format to discourage spammers). If not, no worries.

Book suggestion: Losing God: Clinging to Faith Through Doubt and Depression

Losing God: Clinging to Faith Through Doubt and Depression by Matt Rogers has nothing to do with same-sex attractions, or sex at all, but it does deal with depression, which is something I have dealth with, and countless other people, gay or straight, so I am adding it to my list of recommended books.

Book description:

It was the perfect irony. To lose God at a missions conference.

What's worse, Matt Rogers will tell you, is that it all felt like fate. Years later, even after Matt's depression subsided, the feeling of being forgotten had not left him. So he knew he had to write it down.

Recounting his own experience with depression, Matt Rogers explores the question of how, in a world of suffering, we can call God good. This challenging question can manifest itself as a conspiracy of doubt, so that our emotions and our intellect come under attack. Without appealing to easy answers, Rogers offers understanding and a ray of hope for those who suffer from depression, encouraging them never to give up.

From Bondage to Bondage

   I have talked before about my cycles I go through. I'll have times when I do porn, sex, and just give up on being a Christian. Those have lasted different amounts of times over the years. Days, weeks, a couple of years at the longest. Then I have enough, and repent and try to live right, only to get discouraged and/or tempted so much that I give up and do it again.

  I've been analyzing this, and have always had some ideas why I cave so easily:
1) I can't grasp the belief that God loves me, which makes it hard to hold on to Him

2) I don't love God. Sounds bad, but I'm not sure I ever have. I serve Him out of fear, out of the desire to do right, but because I love Him? I don't think I ever managed to.... and again, that makes it hard to keep serving Him when things get tough.

3) And of course there is the loneliness, major temptations, and all that.

   But I've been thinking, and maybe I'm off base, but I came up with another reason I may give up so easily. Could it be because I am just trading one bondage for another?

  I was raised in a very conservative church. Think almost Mennonite, the strict kind. No, the women don't wear head coverings, and we are not non-resistant, but we are just a step under them on strict beliefs and outward appearance.

 It makes it rough. I have done all the things my church says we need to do, so according to the church I have looked the part of a Christian, yet inside I've been a mess. I've dressed in certain ways, avoided certain things, because my family and the church said to...... and I don't believe it all myself. I've gone to church Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, Wednesday nights, and special services such as revival services, when to be honest, I'd rather have stayed home from some of those services.

  So am I truly free when I try to step away from the bondage of sexual addiction, and step into doing what my family and church expects of me?

  And yes, there is something to the adage I've heard quoted, "If you really love God, you will want to be in church." OK, but how often? I believe its Biblical to go to church, but does God expect us to be for every service the church has? If I went to every service my church has, this is what it would be like:

Sunday:
8:00 men's prayer meeting (I think its 8:00)
9:30 Sunday School
10:25 morning worship
Afternoon - jail service (time?)

6:15 Prayer service, youth meeting, children's meeting
7:00 Evening worship service

Add a rest home service once a month at 2:00 pm on Sundays

Wednesday prayer meeting, 7:00
2 yearly revival services, Tuesday-Sundays
Other various special services throughout the year.

   So, am I less of a Christian if I don't go to all of those? Granted, some of them are considered optional and are sparsely attended, such as the early morning men's prayer meeting, jail service, and rest home service....... but if I skip Wednesday nights - which I do, to get some alone time at home - or skip out on some or all of the revival services, am I less of a Christian? Is God disappointed, does He expect attendance every time the church is having a service? Can person love God and not be there every time there is a service?

  I don't think skipping out on services should be a regular thing, at least on Sundays. Sundays are set aside to rest and worship God, and what else is there to do except rest and go to church. But if you are exhausted and just want to rest, is it wrong to stay home? If God set aside the Sabbath to rest, is running yourself ragged going to umpteen services on Sunday, resting?

  The thing is, and I think I am right on this: If we are going to church to please people, because it is expected, and we are afraid people will think badly of us or wonder about our spirituality if we miss...... is that not being in bondage? Living to please men, rather than God? Am I correct in saying chains aren't always sin, they can be religion?

  I am kind of at an impasse. I am questioning many things I have been taught, yet I have seen so many people who leave my church and throw off everything and go to a church that has no teachings on how to dress. They seem so bitter towards the church they left, and throw off all modesty. I believe 100% the Bible teaches modesty. We can argue about what modesty is, but there are some things it is not. A good example: Several people have been posting pictures of prom pictures on facebook. Most of the girls in the pictures have strapless gowns on with them showing off their breasts. How anyone can say that is modest is beyond me, and why any father would let his teenage daughter go out and be with a hormonal teenage boy for the evening while dressed that way, is beyond me......

  What I am battling with is this: yes, my church is too strict and demands more than God, yet I believe Christians should be different and even if some things are not spelled out in black and white, there are principles in the Bible that we can apply to our lives in how we dress, what we watch, listen to, where we go...... yes, some churches go too far in rules, but I also believe some churches go too far the other way. Christians SHOULD be careful how we dress. There are some TV shows and movies we shouldn't watch, some kinds of music, and even some music artists we need to avoid.....you can't live like the world and do everything they do.........I feel like I need something halfway between the too strict and the not strict enough. I need to find what God wants from me, not my church, and not the people who are the opposite of my church. We do need rules. The Bible has rules. I just need to find out what God's rules for me are, not what my church or family wants. If I keep marching along doing what they want, I am just as much in bondage as when I am in trapped in sexual addictions.

   And I am not trying to say anyone who doesn't believe as I do is wrong. From where I stand, I see people on the strict side as wrong for teaching rules that are not Biblical, and I have seen people on the other side who I wonder how they do certain things as a Christian. There are plenty of people in the middle, not going to either extreme.

Book suggestion: Game Plan by Joe Dallas

If you aren't familiar with Joe Dallas, he is a guy who lived the gay lifestyle, overcame it, and is helping guys now to overcome it and other sexual addictions. Though he is an ex-gay, or former gay....whatever you want to call him, this book deals with sexual addictions in general, homosexuality included. Game Plan, The Men's 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity, is definitely worth buying if you struggle and are serious about getting help. I highly recommend it, and need to do it again some day.

Book description:
Men everywhere are under attack-your neighbor, your coworker, your pastor, even your

husband. And, even in Christian homes, 40% of men have fallen to this foe that can destroy marriages and ruin lives.

Who is this devastating adversary? Pornography. It floods our airwaves and PCs, assaulting the senses, and luring its prey to return again and again.

Drawing from seventeen years of counseling practice, and using material that he's taught for more than ten years, Joe Dallas is helping readers face this enemy. Equipping those who have been caught up in pornography or other forms of sexual sin with the ability to abandon that behavior and never return.

Using the acronym ROUTE-Repentance, Order, Understanding, Training, and Endurance-Dallas walks readers through the steps necessary to attain-and maintain-sexual integrity.

I couldn't find a good description of the book, and mine is in storage, so I can't remember everything about it, but it is designed to do in 30 days, and each day has questions and some activities you do. The book is great to do as a group or with someone else. I did find some of the work I had done saved on Word document, and am pasting some of the questions below to give an idea of what the book is like.


Day 2
1) What specific sexual sin is causing a crisis?

3)What effect has this behavior had on your relationship with God?
4)What effect has this behavior had on your self-respect?
5)N/A
6)N/A
7)Why have you continued in this behavior?

Day 4

2). Write whatever ways you’ve tried to cover up or hide your sin. What effect has this “covering up” had on your mind and confidence in general?
3). How do you think God has been trying to draw your attention to this behavior?


There is Scripture reading, and reading in the book to do. It is a very hands on book to help with sexual addictions, and the questions are designed to really make you think. It is for sale on Amazon as cheap as $2.49 right now, and is worth more than that.

7 Ways to Stop the Adultery Epidemic by J. Lee Grady

This is geared towards married guys, but a lot of it can apply to anyone: single, straight, married, gay. Original link here: http://www.charismamag.com/blogs/fire-in-my-bones/17642-7-ways-to-prevent-a-moral-failure

Why is there an epidemic of moral failure in the church? Because holiness has become a foreign concept.

It happened again. For the third time in six months, the pastor of a large church in my hometown of Orlando, Fla., has resigned from his pulpit because of adultery. I’m sad. I’m sick. I’m sorry for the pastors, and sorrier for the congregations that are having to deal with the fallout caused by bad choices.

I’m also cringing because an increasingly hostile public sees these train wrecks as evidence that Christians are hypocrites who preach one thing and live another. We stand for biblical marriage between one man and one woman, but in many cases those marriages are failing. No wonder the gay community hates our flimsy platitudes.

Why are we witnessing this epidemic of moral failure? Many factors could be cited (easy access to pornography, sex-saturated entertainment, the devil and his demons, etc.)—but I don’t think we need a list of excuses today. I’m tired of excuses. The devil does not make us do this. It is totally possible for Christian men and women to live in holiness today. The power of His grace is not affected by social trends or hell’s attacks.

Maybe we’ve made this too complicated. Let’s go back to some basic ways we can stay pure:

1. Practice regular “fire drills.” Paul told Timothy to “flee” from youthful lusts (2 Tim. 2:22). But you can’t flee a burning building if you don’t know where the exits are. If you don’t map out your plan of escape, you won’t run when you are confronted with a lustful glance, an X-rated website or a brazen proposition. When faced with temptation, don’t play with it, talk to it, stroke it, analyze it or revisit it in an hour. Just bolt for the door!

2. Don’t live in isolation. Many people are vulnerable to moral compromise because they spend so much time alone. God designed us to live in community. If King David had not left his brothers on the battlefield and returned home, he would not have seen Bathsheba skinny-dipping on the roof. You are less likely to succumb to temptation if you are surrounded by family or Christian friends.

3. Stay faithful in spiritual disciplines. Nothing makes the heart colder than a lack of quiet time with God. Charles Spurgeon said, “Prayer will make you leave off sinning, or sinning will make you leave off praying.” If you have spent time with Jesus in the morning, you are not going to invite Delilah to cut your hair off that evening. If you are too busy with your work to pray and read the Bible, you are already headed for a spiritual train wreck.

4. Be ruthless with temptation. Today’s wimpish Christian culture encourages us to be soft toward sin. Yet the apostle Paul used athletic imagery when he taught about the strenuous effort of resisting sin. He wrote, “I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified” (1 Cor. 9:27, NASB). If you can’t resist looking at a pornographic website, you are a spiritual baby. If you can’t run when Potiphar’s wife turns on her charm, you need to get your jellyfish spine in shape. Grow up and quit making excuses for your weak morals.

5. Confess your sins regularly. Last weekend during a men’s conference in Philadelphia, one brave brother shared openly how he had been molested as a child—and how the trauma of abuse led him into a pattern of fornication. After he shared his weakness, dozens of men felt the freedom to come to the altar and confess their sexual sins. Transparency is the path to sexual purity. You cannot expect to be pure if your inner life is a cesspool of ugly secrets. Tell somebody. Get the monkey off your back.

6. Keep the home fires burning. I’ve met many Christian men who struggle with all kinds of sexual temptation. But after talking with them, I learn that they have no regular intimacy with their wives. The apostle Paul taught that husbands and wives have an equal responsibility to fulfill each other sexually (1 Cor. 7:3). If the fires have gone out in your marriage, find a counselor or enroll in a marriage course in your church. God can rekindle romance and repair your communication breakdown before your chilly marriage freezes beyond repair.

7. Get regular spiritual checkups. Adults are supposed to see a doctor annually to prevent heart ailments, cancer and other problems. Yet many of us never open our lives to input from pastors or mentors. (And many pastors have no one to examine them!) Learn to ask for prayer and counsel. Share your struggles and weaknesses. If you detect a weak spot in your armor, don’t wait until the devil blows you out of the water to ask someone for help.

J. Lee Grady is the former editor of Charisma and the director of the Mordecai Project (themordecaiproject.org). You can follow him on Twitter at @leegrady. He is the author of Fearless Daughters of the Bible and other books.

Book suggestion: The Singing God by Sam Storms

The Singing God by Sam Storms is another book that has noting to do with homosexuality, but is about God's love. I found it very helpful and encouraging, and recommend it for anyone struggling to believe God loves them.

Book description:

God Delights in You

God loves us—with all our faults and failures, with all the secret sins no one else knows about. In fact, He rejoices over us so much that He breaks out in inexpressible joy and song as He thinks about us.

 “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” —Zephaniah 3:17

 That’s how God feels about you! He looks at you, He thinks of you…and He sings for joy!

In The Singing God Sam Storms explores God's immeasurable love for His children. You don’t need to be different; you don’t need to be better. You just need to know that God loves you just the way you are now...today. When you truly believe this, you will find the strength and incentive to fight sin, experience freedom from shame, and walk in the fullness of all that God desires for you.

What can the church do? Part 2

This is actually something I posted before, but it goes along with what is hopefully going to be a series of blogs about what the church can do to help people dealing with same-sex attractions. These aren't necessarily confined to the church, but I am re-posting it anyway:

I've been texting a good friend of mine today, and this blog post came about as a result. What can people do to help those struggling with same-sex attractions? I don't have all of the answers, but I am gay, so I do have some answers.

And by struggling, I do mean people who know and admit homosexuality is wrong.

I have seriously lost track of how many people know about my same-sex attractions/struggles. I'd say at least 30, maybe more. I've gotten a lot more open about it, and rarely hesitate to tell people if given a chance. In fact, were it not for fear of hurting my family, I'd just go public completely, but if I truly felt God wanted me to do so, I would do so.

The reactions have been pretty good. I never had anyone outwardly act with revulsion or condemnation. Most people never mention it, but I don't feel like anyone avoids me that knows.

That said, there aren't many people who are a big help to me. A few pray, and I know they do. Maybe others do that never say anything. Prayer is great, but there are other things:

1) Love. In almost every person struggling with same-sex attraction, is a lack of love - or at least a perceived lack of love. And sometimes, it is a lack of love, so love them, and put action to your love.

There is a book that was really popular a few years back: The Five Love Languages. The book spawned a few similar titles. There was even one for singles. The book does get it right. We all have different things/ways that make us feel loved. Maybe someone needs to write one about the five love languages of gay people.

2) Touch. I can still remember the last time my father hugged me and showed me affection. I was 8 or 9, and I was crushed. My mom came into my room and told me my dad thought I was too old to hug and kiss good night, and just like that, it stopped.

My family in general isn't big on hugging, so over the years, as I got older, the hugs came less. I have one sister that lives a few hours away, and she will usually hug when arriving and leaving, and thank God I have my nieces and nephews who are happy to hug. But for the most part, no adults, other than some friends I don't see often.

I am coming from the standpoint of a gay male, as that is what I am - and we really need male affirmation and affection. So especially if you're a guy and have a friend that struggles with same-sex attraction - hug him. If not hugs, any touch helps. A pat on the shoulder or back, a light slug to the arm - they may seem small to you, but to him they say you care, that you like him. You aren't going to catch it from him by touching him, and he isn't going to jump on you and rape you - show him you care. And any hug is good - so ladies don't be afraid to do it also. I have female friends who hug me when I see them, and I love it.

3) Talk. It depends on the person, and on how well you know them, but be willing to talk about their struggles. What they think caused them, whatever. I haven't talked about it much with most of the people that know, but there are a few people I have talked to at length about it, and it helps. And it is great way to learn more about it. I am perfectly willing to talk about it, I just fear most people don't want to.

4) Learn. There are a lot of great books and articles written from a Christian and conservative viewpoint about homosexuality. Read up on it, and let your friend know. My Sunday School teacher read a book about it, and it made me feel good that he cared enough to do so. And it helps if you know something about the struggle, even from reading.

5) Be available. My pastor has told me many times to call him any time of the day or night. Some people might abuse that. I do the opposite. I fear bothering people. I could be drowning and hesitate to ask for help. I am doing a little better with that, but it does help to make yourself available to talk or pray. A side note: I actually did call my pastor a few years ago around 1am. I was having a major battle and wanted him to pray for me. He insisted on driving to my apartment to do it in person. I never forgot that.

6) Meeting them. One of the biggest battles for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, is loneliness. If you truly want to be a help, that is an area to help in. Granted, people have their own lives and you can't be around someone 24/7, but even an occasional contact helps. Invite them over for pizza and a movie, take them out to eat - anything to help them battle the loneliness and feeling that they are all alone in their struggle.

You can't realize what it is like unless you have been there yourself, but you can help. And I think this is one area the church has dropped the ball: homosexuality. We have made it into such a horrible sin, that too many teenagers and adults are afraid to come forward for help, and when some do, they are met with fear, indifference, condemnation, and are often ostracized.

Guys - and women - like me, need help. Not to minimize God and his help, but we can't do it on our own. And we shouldn't have to. God's family needs to help and love us through it. Not many are willing, and the few who are, have no idea what to do. I hope this blog post has helped.


Those are a few I came up with. And prayer does help, and is a biggie, especially telling them you are praying.

Slaying Porn Through Christ: A Testimony of Hope by Dane Hays

Borrowed article, original here.

When a dear friend asked me to write an article about my journey to sustained victory over pornography, I must admit I didn't want to do it. Excuses filled my head. What will people think about me? What would I say about such a complicated issue? But at the forefront of my mind was simply this thought: Am I even victorious enough to write such an article? My so-called victory, after all, has been sloppy. Desires didn't magically disappear. The temptation to succumb has, at times, felt inordinate. But I can honestly look back and bear witness that God's grace is training me to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions (Titus 2:11-12).

When I think about my journey, the path has been marked by months of prayer, meditation, conversations with God and others, and some despair along the way. If you're currently struggling between the desire to please God or to please self, take it from someone who has been in your shoes: God is faithful to forgive and to give grace to help you. As I look back, here are two threads of thinking that run through the entire process.

Remember the Gospel

The first thread comes at the risk of sounding cliché, but I couldn't be more serious: remember the breadth and magnitude of the gospel. For years my struggle with pornography was merely an annoying habit I wanted to fix, like biting my nails or saying "um" when speaking. But it kept me from being an effective leader in the church, and it kept me from being normal. I needed a fresh vision of what I was actually doing: I was grieving the Holy Spirit and participating in the very things that stored up wrath against me before I was in Christ (Eph. 4:30; Rom. 2:5). When the Lord brought a season of gospel renewal to my life, I came to understand that my sin was far more serious than I knew.

Thankfully, when the Lord brings gospel renewal he doesn't just show us how bad we are—he shows us how incredible he is. His mercies, his attributes, and his gospel became to me far sweeter than I'd ever imagined. Hour by hour I reminded myself that just as Christ's death called me to die, his resurrection called me to new life. I often stumbled and clawed my way back to these deep pools of water. When I sat down to pray, I felt like a child just learning to utter his first words. But I didn't give up. If you're struggling with pornography, fight to remember the life-changing truth of the gospel. Let that truth drive you moment by moment to confession and repentance. Practice it often. Don't be like the rich young ruler who wanted an easy formula for eternal life. Be instead like the woman who wept at Jesus' feet because she knew her sin was great but knew her Savior was better.

Remember Common Grace

The second thread of thinking flows from the first: remember the common grace gifts God has given us to fight pornography. Without the first thread, the second would be legalism; without the second, however, the first would be impractical. In order for gospel fruit to grow, I had to put myself in an environment where the fruit wouldn't be scorched before it could blossom. That meant I had to flee temptation by cutting off access to it. I had to use computer software, accountability partners, and daily reminders that I'd disqualify myself from ministry if I persisted in this sin. Even more, I had to visualize my wife's face each time I confessed it wasn't going well.

Because of our necessary and helpful focus on heart idolatry, we can be afraid of putting "eye-gouging" measures into our lives to fight sin. Computer software can't change my heart, we think. And that's true. But we should recognize these practical safeguards as common grace gifts from God to help us in our fight against our heart's idols. The path to sustained victory in my life is filled with earthly motivations. I didn't want to hurt anyone by derailing my life with pornography. I urge you to think about the same things. If the look of brokenness on your wife's face or an uncomfortable conversation with an accountability partner motivates you to resist porn, rejoice. Then, remember the gospel.

There are many helpful materials available on the subject of lust and pornography. You can read about the effects pornography has on the brain, or you can read about the "sin behind the sin" of control or ungodly pleasure. All of this information is vital to digest and understand. But let's never forget the most important thing to consult when thinking about these issues—God's own words:

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. (Rom. 6:12-14)

May the grace of God remind us of who we are and who he is in our fight against sin—and may that grace also empower to obey in moments of intense temptation. He is faithful.  by Dane Hays

Book suggestion: Out of a Far Country by Christopher and Angela Yuan

Out of a Far Country by Christopher and Angela Yuan is the story of Christopher's journey into the gay lifestyle, and out of it, and of how his mother dealt with it. It is a very inspiring and encouraging story, and well worth reading;

Book description:

Coming Out, Then Coming Home

Christopher Yuan, the son of Chinese immigrants, discovered at an early age that he was different. He was attracted to other boys. As he grew into adulthood, his mother, Angela, hoped to control the situation. Instead, she found that her son and her life were spiraling out of control—and her own personal demons were determined to defeat her.

Years of heartbreak, confusion, and prayer followed before the Yuans found a place of complete surrender, which is God’s desire for all families. Their amazing story, told from the perspectives of both mother and son, offers hope for anyone affected by homosexuality.

God calls all who are lost to come home to him. Casting a compelling vision for holy sexuality, Out of a Far Country speaks to prodigals, parents of prodigals, and those wanting to minister to the gay community.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” - Luke 15:20

Includes a discussion guide for personal reflection and group use.

XXX Church

If you struggle with sexual purity, especially in the area of pornography, you should check out XXXChurch.com. They have some unconventional ideas, but its a great site and has a lot on it. There is a prayer wall for prayer requests, blogs for men, women, pastors... and a lot more. They came up with the name so their website would pop up under searches for xxx sites. I recommend the site. They do have some different ideas, but they aren't afraid to get their hands dirty to help people, and that is how it should be.

Open to suggestions or guest blog posts

Even though God and I are at odds right now, I would like this blog to become more helpful to those who struggle with same-sex attractions, and informative to those who do not. So I am going to throw this out there:

1) If you run across a good article/blog post, or any content that would be encouraging and helpful that I could put here, feel free to let me know.

2) If you would like to write a blog post about whatever: your struggle, your victory, something encouraging to people who struggle with same-sex attractions, let me know. Just keep it clean, and no graphic content.

3) If you have any kind suggestions to improve my blog, let me know.

Contact me via the comments. If you leave contact information, I will not publish your comment and if you wish to remain anonymous, I will honor that.

The Gay Cross (re-post)

In trying to post some more positive stuff, I am re-posting some blog posts I already have posted:

I have come to view my struggles with homosexuality as a cross. Now when Jesus said to take up your cross, I am sure most people don't think of that cross as something like homosexuality, but I believe the cross we bear isn't always just scorn or persecution because we are a Christian, which let's face it, not many of us go through much persecution here in America.

Is it a stretch to think of homosexuality as a cross? I don't believe so. We as humans are like a river. We tend to take the path of least resistance. Most of my life, it would have been so much easier to just give in, forget about living a life for Christ, and just plunge headfirst into everything to do with the gay lifestyle.

I don't think heterosexual people get it. For us who deal with the feelings of same-sex attraction, it is just as much a part of us, as attraction for an attractive woman is for a heterosexual male. Just as a heterosexual guy often has a battle to fight in his mind when an attractive woman walks by him, so the same battle is fought in the mind of a man who is struggling with homosexual desires and attractions. There is a difference though. The heterosexual male can marry and have a relationship blessed by God. The homosexual struggler never can. It doesn't matter what state or elected official says it is ok, it will never be blessed by God, will never not be a sin.

All too many men and boys who are in the church, and are dealing with this issue do so silently. They fear what their family, friends, fellow church goers, would say if they knew. They fear they will be ostracized, put on the same level as a child molester. No one would want to be their friend. So day after day, month after month, year after year, they serve God, all the while, trying to deal with these feelings they have. Feelings they know are wrong, but feelings and desires they never asked for.

And they aren't wrong. Many in the church would look down on them, brand them a child molester. After all, these are the same people who say we "choose" to be this way. We "choose" to have these desires. Are they nuts?! If they could feel the way we feel, see what it is like to have a war raging in our hearts and minds - to be tugged in what feels so natural, yet so wrong. I read a quote once by a homosexual person - they asked why would anyone want to feel this way? How true.

Other Christians can call people to pray for them if they are having problems. People will go to the altar, and get up and admit they have problems in this area, or that, and people nod in understanding, and admire them for admitting they are having struggles. I came to a point that I quit going to the altar. Too many preachers would harp on the fact that you should pray out loud, confess to your sins, not "hang over the altar, put your head on your arms and pray silently". There was no way I was going to do that. The church gossips would have a field day! So when I felt I needed to pray, I would wait out the altar call and pray at home, where no one would hear my sins and judge me as a horrible sinner.

Some people know. I have men who call themselves my friend, who know, but they never ask me how I am doing. Never ask if there is something they can do to help me. I have had 2 pastors try to help me, and they were a help, but I never knew of them to read up on how to help, yet they admitted they weren't sure how to handle it. Were my problem marriage-related, alcohol, cigarettes, and "normal" sins and issues, they would have no problem talking to me and checking up on me. And I know some churches do better than others, but that isn't the norm.

Then there are the comments. Even Christians can say thoughtless and cruel things. Homosexuality seems to be a fun thing to make comments about. I have had to stand and listen to all kinds of remarks, and act normal. I will never forget the time someone was speaking, and made a statement about homosexuality. A guy who was my friend, someone I had hung out with before he married, leaned up and said "they should just round all of those people up and hang them". I was crushed and hurt, and he had no clue he had just shredded my emotions.

More recently, I sat through a Sunday School class where same sex marriage was being discussed. I sat there fighting tears and the desire to walk out, as I heard references to those perverts, that they wouldn't want those kind of people around their kids, that those perverts are no different than rapists and child molesters. As I sat there, I am sure those people had no idea they were causing one of their own so much pain and hurt.

And those who come out as Christians who struggle with this issue get it from both sides. The church, where most people still view them as perverse people, and the gay militants who want to shut up anyone who suggests they can, or need, to change.

And so we carry our cross. The cross of sexual desires we know are wrong, but can't get rid of, the cross of loneliness, wishing we had someone to love, and the cross of shame. Life would be easier in some ways, if we laid the cross down, and "embraced our sexuality", yet, we cannot do that, and live a life that is pleasing to God.

Living the Christian life was never supposed to be easy. It may seem that others have a lighter cross, or no cross at all, but none of us know what the other person is going through. There aren't many people in my church or circle of friends who would have any idea what I deal with.

The gay cross? Indeed. And very possibly, one of the most difficult to carry.

Book Suggestion: Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill

I've read this book through a couple of times. It is written by a young man who is a Christian, struggles with same-sex attractions, and is determined to not give into and to live for God. It is very encouraging and would make good reading also for people wanting to understand the struggle more and how to help those who deal with it.

Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill:

Book description:

'Gay,' 'Christian,' and 'celibate' don't often appear in the same sentence. Yet many who sit next to us in the pew at church fit that description, says author Wesley Hill. As a celibate gay Christian, Hill gives us a glimpse of what it looks like to wrestle firsthand with God's 'No' to same-sex relationships. What does it mean for gay Christians to live faithful to God while struggling with the challenge of their homosexuality? What is God's will for believers who experience same-sex desires? Those who choose celibacy are often left to deal with loneliness and the hunger for relationships. How can gay
Christians experience God's favor and blessing in the midst of a struggle that for many brings a crippling sense of shame and guilt? Weaving together reflections from his own life and the lives of other Christians, such as Henri Nouwen and Gerard Manley Hopkins, Hill offers a fresh perspective on these questions. He advocates neither unqualified 'healing' for those who struggle, nor their accommodation to temptation, but rather faithfulness in the midst of brokenness. 'I hope this book may encourage other homosexual Christians to take the risky step of opening up their lives to others in the body of Christ,' Hill writes. 'In so doing, they may find, as I have, by grace, that being known is spiritually healthier than remaining behind closed doors, that the light is better than the darkness.'

Book suggestion: He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobson

This book isn't about same sex attraction, but so many people who struggle with these issues also struggle to believe God loves them..... I sure do. A friend suggested this book, and it is definitely worth reading if you struggle to believe God loves you, or just need it reaffirmed. The guy has a lot of helpful things to say.

The book is He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobson.

Description:
Do you find yourself picking through circumstances like children plucking daisy petals attempting to
figure out whether or not God loves you? If you find yourself least certain of his love in those critical moments when you most need to trust him, there is hope for you. Where? At the one event in human history that forever secured your place in the Father s hear--the cross where Jesus allowed sin and shame to be consumed in his own body so that you could freely embrace a relationship with his Father. There you will discover that what he always wanted was not the fearful subservience of slaves, but the loving affection of sons and daughters. If your spiritual life feels more like performance than freedom, like an empty ritual rather than a joyful journey, let Wayne help you discover a Father who loves you more than anyone on this planet ever has or ever will and how you can rest in the confidence of his affection for you through whatever circumstances you face.

Letter to the church from a homosexual

I hate being too negative on my blog, so I am going to be reposting some more positive things in case some new comes across my blog. This one isn't extremely positive, but its worth reading, especially if you don't struggle with same sex attractions:



I found this on PFOX (Parents and friends of ex-gays). I did not write it, though I could have.... or any gay male sitting in the church:

Dear Church,

I’m in such pain; I just had to write something to someone, because there’s no one to call at this hour. Don’t think poorly of me because I am still learning to lean on God… and because sometimes I need arms to hold me; even God said it is not good that man be alone. I don’t want to disturb anyone at this hour. I’m afraid if I did, they would reject me… people seem to be eager to help when it’s convenient. For me to call someone now would be inconvenient, and I could not take the possible rejection on top of the pain I already feel in my heart. Sometimes the stuff I'm forbidden to have can look awfully good when I'm feeling empty on the inside, with no one to call.

I like what I’ve learned from the bible, even though it’s hard to accept some things. But I need more; I need to see Jesus modeled by the Church. I need to see you who believe actually BE the ears, arms, and eyes of God. I need friends. I need guys in my life I can get together with - pals, buddies… I need the stuff I didn't get growing up, and that most guys don't have time for in the Church - because they have families and fathers and careers already. But I don’t need a baby sitter or a teacher; I need a human being who cares and who is willing and able to be a friend. I need men in my life who will love me where I’m at, who are willing and able to spend time with me; I need men to show me examples of what a healthy relationship between men looks like, not just an hour a week at Sunday school… but in real life.

I think guys who have families forget what being single is like... some will argue the reverse, that I’m better off single… but they don’t know what they have – and they would rethink things if they found themselves alone, as I am. They want to fix me, and think that I should bury myself in work like they do; but maybe that burial is why their marriages are dying. Maybe I’m not the only sick one here – maybe most guys are just as scared as I am over sharing their hearts. I've had several suggest that the right job would fix my loneliness... but I know from personal experience that work doesn’t fill the need for human contact, and the secular workplace doesn’t fill the need for Godly relationships with other men.

Sometimes you, men of the Church, make comments that I’m too open, and sometimes I think to myself, “You should be a man, keep the feelings in and be strong.” But is this really what God wants – or is it male pride? I think those words “Be strong” are whispered directly from Satan’s mouth into my ear… and the ear of every man… because in my strength, I draw away from needing God and others, and I am really weak – even though my pride fools me into thinking I am powerfully “self-reliant”. And when I am weak, I am strong, because I am more connected with God and with other men… because I need them.

Heck, the people I can relate to most in any setting seem to be the older ones or the kids - because most of the guys my age have lost something that kids and older people have. I don't know what it is, maybe people my age are too arrogant, too set in our ways, too proud, or too busy to be bothered with such “trivial” things as friendship and love. I miss friends from my old life… because even though some of those interactions might have been sinful, at least I had friends who would spend time with me. The Church can seem pretty sterile when the only time I see you – you who call themselves “brothers and sisters” – is in a bible study or at church. I feel like I'm starving for human interaction, when all I get is two or three hours a week in groups. Is this what you would call “ministering”?

Do you, dear Church, want to know the real reason I stumble into pornography and gay sin? It is for one reason: I am starved for relationship, for friendship, for touch... but I am afraid to ask, and be told “no” yet again. The pornography might be sin, but at least the “high” took my mind off the pain of isolation for a little while, when you weren’t willing to; and pornography is always there; you, men of the Church, are not. It made me forget my loneliness. When life gets tough, you have wives and family to comfort you – or at the very least to keep you occupied. When my life gets tough, married men tell me to seek comfort in God – spoken from the comfort of their wives arms. This is convenient… for them. I have put work into relationships, and you didn’t have time, dear Church. It’s funny how you have time to condemn homosexuals, to rally to abolish gay marriage, or get on the band wagon over this cause or that, all in the name of God. But you don’t have time to be friends with a homosexual who wants to change. If I were to define hell, it would be "a void of relationship". If I were to point to a place on earth where I have found the most hell, it has been within the walls of the Church. I’m tired of all the verses and the theory. You want me to change; stop talking and SHOW me how to be a loving Christian in Godly relationships by LIVING that theory with me, by inviting me into these relationships… or I will stumble – and you, men of the Church, will not be guiltless.

I want to live life, to share life with people. There seems to be no outlet for me – the single male struggling with sexual brokenness – to do this, other than little bits here and there. I have much to offer, along with my peers, even though I am also needy. I want the touch of another human being. I want it to matter when I laugh and when I cry, and I want the tears and laughter of others to matter to me. I am frustrated by so many things in not only our society, but in the Church; men do not know how to love one another as God intended... if we all did, there wouldn't be so much homosexuality; it is a backlash, a result of men not loving as they should... including you, men of the Church.

I have one dream... I want Jesus to hold me, to let me cry, to sob, to let my body shake with the grief of the losses I have felt in my life. I want him to be there and hold me through it, whether I cry for a minute, a day, or a year... until finally there are no more tears left. And then I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be safe. I want to go back, to be a kid again, and to get what I didn't get back then, what I can't get now by myself, but which can only come through Jesus and through other men in a healthy way. I am frustrated and angry - and I feel cheated, that I have no attraction to women, that I have no family. I have worked so hard simply to overcome the trauma of the rejection I went through from my father... he didn't mean to do it, but I carry those deep scars, and they go right to the foundation of my heart.

Do you want to crucify the homosexual, or save him? If you want to save him, here I am, and I’m asking to be saved. I’m asking you to be Christ’s arms and ears, to hold me and let me cry, to let me know Jesus does care about me – that even though I feel rejected and broken and alone, at least someone does care. Or do you want to help in theory, so you can feel good about yourselves? Or maybe it’s just easier to throw the first stone. Some days, I would thank you for throwing that stone; the pain would end.

I know you can't fix me. You may not know what to say. Men of the Church, you think you have to say something profound to "fix" others. Wrong. You are here to teach me God’s ways by EXAMPLE, to be examples of love in a world of hatred. Ironically, I – the homosexual – am here to teach you, too, men of the Church. “To teach us?” you may ask in shock. Yes, to teach you something you’ve forgotten; we are here to teach you the strength of vulnerability, the power of facing the truth - we are powerless, that we are all broken and we can fix nothing... that Jesus died to fix us. When in my weakest moments I share with you, I am doing what God wants me to. I am an example of vulnerability, and my example gives you – men of the Church – permission to shed your masks of self-strength and self-righteousness. Listen and learn, men of the Church: we can’t put on God’s armor, until we first take off our own useless armor… and we can’t do that until we set our pride aside, and get honest with one another. I’m ready. Are you?