From Bondage to Bondage

   I have talked before about my cycles I go through. I'll have times when I do porn, sex, and just give up on being a Christian. Those have lasted different amounts of times over the years. Days, weeks, a couple of years at the longest. Then I have enough, and repent and try to live right, only to get discouraged and/or tempted so much that I give up and do it again.

  I've been analyzing this, and have always had some ideas why I cave so easily:
1) I can't grasp the belief that God loves me, which makes it hard to hold on to Him

2) I don't love God. Sounds bad, but I'm not sure I ever have. I serve Him out of fear, out of the desire to do right, but because I love Him? I don't think I ever managed to.... and again, that makes it hard to keep serving Him when things get tough.

3) And of course there is the loneliness, major temptations, and all that.

   But I've been thinking, and maybe I'm off base, but I came up with another reason I may give up so easily. Could it be because I am just trading one bondage for another?

  I was raised in a very conservative church. Think almost Mennonite, the strict kind. No, the women don't wear head coverings, and we are not non-resistant, but we are just a step under them on strict beliefs and outward appearance.

 It makes it rough. I have done all the things my church says we need to do, so according to the church I have looked the part of a Christian, yet inside I've been a mess. I've dressed in certain ways, avoided certain things, because my family and the church said to...... and I don't believe it all myself. I've gone to church Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, Wednesday nights, and special services such as revival services, when to be honest, I'd rather have stayed home from some of those services.

  So am I truly free when I try to step away from the bondage of sexual addiction, and step into doing what my family and church expects of me?

  And yes, there is something to the adage I've heard quoted, "If you really love God, you will want to be in church." OK, but how often? I believe its Biblical to go to church, but does God expect us to be for every service the church has? If I went to every service my church has, this is what it would be like:

Sunday:
8:00 men's prayer meeting (I think its 8:00)
9:30 Sunday School
10:25 morning worship
Afternoon - jail service (time?)

6:15 Prayer service, youth meeting, children's meeting
7:00 Evening worship service

Add a rest home service once a month at 2:00 pm on Sundays

Wednesday prayer meeting, 7:00
2 yearly revival services, Tuesday-Sundays
Other various special services throughout the year.

   So, am I less of a Christian if I don't go to all of those? Granted, some of them are considered optional and are sparsely attended, such as the early morning men's prayer meeting, jail service, and rest home service....... but if I skip Wednesday nights - which I do, to get some alone time at home - or skip out on some or all of the revival services, am I less of a Christian? Is God disappointed, does He expect attendance every time the church is having a service? Can person love God and not be there every time there is a service?

  I don't think skipping out on services should be a regular thing, at least on Sundays. Sundays are set aside to rest and worship God, and what else is there to do except rest and go to church. But if you are exhausted and just want to rest, is it wrong to stay home? If God set aside the Sabbath to rest, is running yourself ragged going to umpteen services on Sunday, resting?

  The thing is, and I think I am right on this: If we are going to church to please people, because it is expected, and we are afraid people will think badly of us or wonder about our spirituality if we miss...... is that not being in bondage? Living to please men, rather than God? Am I correct in saying chains aren't always sin, they can be religion?

  I am kind of at an impasse. I am questioning many things I have been taught, yet I have seen so many people who leave my church and throw off everything and go to a church that has no teachings on how to dress. They seem so bitter towards the church they left, and throw off all modesty. I believe 100% the Bible teaches modesty. We can argue about what modesty is, but there are some things it is not. A good example: Several people have been posting pictures of prom pictures on facebook. Most of the girls in the pictures have strapless gowns on with them showing off their breasts. How anyone can say that is modest is beyond me, and why any father would let his teenage daughter go out and be with a hormonal teenage boy for the evening while dressed that way, is beyond me......

  What I am battling with is this: yes, my church is too strict and demands more than God, yet I believe Christians should be different and even if some things are not spelled out in black and white, there are principles in the Bible that we can apply to our lives in how we dress, what we watch, listen to, where we go...... yes, some churches go too far in rules, but I also believe some churches go too far the other way. Christians SHOULD be careful how we dress. There are some TV shows and movies we shouldn't watch, some kinds of music, and even some music artists we need to avoid.....you can't live like the world and do everything they do.........I feel like I need something halfway between the too strict and the not strict enough. I need to find what God wants from me, not my church, and not the people who are the opposite of my church. We do need rules. The Bible has rules. I just need to find out what God's rules for me are, not what my church or family wants. If I keep marching along doing what they want, I am just as much in bondage as when I am in trapped in sexual addictions.

   And I am not trying to say anyone who doesn't believe as I do is wrong. From where I stand, I see people on the strict side as wrong for teaching rules that are not Biblical, and I have seen people on the other side who I wonder how they do certain things as a Christian. There are plenty of people in the middle, not going to either extreme.