This is actually something I posted before, but it goes along with what is hopefully going to be a series of blogs about what the church can do to help people dealing with same-sex attractions. These aren't necessarily confined to the church, but I am re-posting it anyway:
I've been texting a good friend of mine today, and this blog post came about as a result. What can people do to help those struggling with same-sex attractions? I don't have all of the answers, but I am gay, so I do have some answers.
And by struggling, I do mean people who know and admit homosexuality is wrong.
I have seriously lost track of how many people know about my same-sex attractions/struggles. I'd say at least 30, maybe more. I've gotten a lot more open about it, and rarely hesitate to tell people if given a chance. In fact, were it not for fear of hurting my family, I'd just go public completely, but if I truly felt God wanted me to do so, I would do so.
The reactions have been pretty good. I never had anyone outwardly act with revulsion or condemnation. Most people never mention it, but I don't feel like anyone avoids me that knows.
That said, there aren't many people who are a big help to me. A few pray, and I know they do. Maybe others do that never say anything. Prayer is great, but there are other things:
1) Love. In almost every person struggling with same-sex attraction, is a lack of love - or at least a perceived lack of love. And sometimes, it is a lack of love, so love them, and put action to your love.
There is a book that was really popular a few years back: The Five Love Languages. The book spawned a few similar titles. There was even one for singles. The book does get it right. We all have different things/ways that make us feel loved. Maybe someone needs to write one about the five love languages of gay people.
2) Touch. I can still remember the last time my father hugged me and showed me affection. I was 8 or 9, and I was crushed. My mom came into my room and told me my dad thought I was too old to hug and kiss good night, and just like that, it stopped.
My family in general isn't big on hugging, so over the years, as I got older, the hugs came less. I have one sister that lives a few hours away, and she will usually hug when arriving and leaving, and thank God I have my nieces and nephews who are happy to hug. But for the most part, no adults, other than some friends I don't see often.
I am coming from the standpoint of a gay male, as that is what I am - and we really need male affirmation and affection. So especially if you're a guy and have a friend that struggles with same-sex attraction - hug him. If not hugs, any touch helps. A pat on the shoulder or back, a light slug to the arm - they may seem small to you, but to him they say you care, that you like him. You aren't going to catch it from him by touching him, and he isn't going to jump on you and rape you - show him you care. And any hug is good - so ladies don't be afraid to do it also. I have female friends who hug me when I see them, and I love it.
3) Talk. It depends on the person, and on how well you know them, but be willing to talk about their struggles. What they think caused them, whatever. I haven't talked about it much with most of the people that know, but there are a few people I have talked to at length about it, and it helps. And it is great way to learn more about it. I am perfectly willing to talk about it, I just fear most people don't want to.
4) Learn. There are a lot of great books and articles written from a Christian and conservative viewpoint about homosexuality. Read up on it, and let your friend know. My Sunday School teacher read a book about it, and it made me feel good that he cared enough to do so. And it helps if you know something about the struggle, even from reading.
5) Be available. My pastor has told me many times to call him any time of the day or night. Some people might abuse that. I do the opposite. I fear bothering people. I could be drowning and hesitate to ask for help. I am doing a little better with that, but it does help to make yourself available to talk or pray. A side note: I actually did call my pastor a few years ago around 1am. I was having a major battle and wanted him to pray for me. He insisted on driving to my apartment to do it in person. I never forgot that.
6) Meeting them. One of the biggest battles for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, is loneliness. If you truly want to be a help, that is an area to help in. Granted, people have their own lives and you can't be around someone 24/7, but even an occasional contact helps. Invite them over for pizza and a movie, take them out to eat - anything to help them battle the loneliness and feeling that they are all alone in their struggle.
You can't realize what it is like unless you have been there yourself, but you can help. And I think this is one area the church has dropped the ball: homosexuality. We have made it into such a horrible sin, that too many teenagers and adults are afraid to come forward for help, and when some do, they are met with fear, indifference, condemnation, and are often ostracized.
Guys - and women - like me, need help. Not to minimize God and his help, but we can't do it on our own. And we shouldn't have to. God's family needs to help and love us through it. Not many are willing, and the few who are, have no idea what to do. I hope this blog post has helped.
Those are a few I came up with. And prayer does help, and is a biggie, especially telling them you are praying.
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