A thawing

   It has been a while since I have felt a strong desire to serve God, and wondered if I'd ever get to where I need to be with Him, but things have been different lately.

   I have been praying a lot lately that God would draw me to Him and put a desire in me to serve Him, and to help me truly believe that He loves me.......and its happening.

  Not to diminish God's role at all, though I believe He can use a lot of things, but a couple of books I have read lately have really helped me with my warped views of God. I talked about one of the books in a recent post: The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett....and since then I have read the non-fiction book that book is based on, The Ragamuffin Gospel. That book has been around since 1990, and wow.....it was a book I should have read long ago, but maybe I read it when I most needed it. Not to downplay the Bible, but Manning really opened up God's love and grace to me in a whole new way. I still haven't "arrived", but the book has helped me immensely. I highly recommend it.

  It also seems I am losing interest in sex and some other things to do with the gay scene. I have hardly been on my gay hook up apps lately on my cell, or the sites online, and I used to be on them daily as much as I could....... I did try to hook up half heartedly a couple of times lately, and was actually relieved when nothing came of it. There are a couple of sites I use for other purposes than hooking up, and have hardly accessed them lately. Unfortunately, the urge for porn and masturbation haven't eased up, but when I do it, I feel like I am letting God down, and feel awkward praying afterwards, even though I don't feel I am a Christian at this time.

  I do have a stronger desire to be a Christian, and most of the time I find myself thinking like one. Its weird, but I guess good, as it seems I am closer to being where I need to be than I have been in the past.

  On another subject, I am more convinced than ever that there are more people who know about my struggles than I know of....... I met with a friend of mine for lunch today, first time we have done that, though we have visited in groups. He has some stuff going on and I was hoping I could encourage him. During the course of the conversation, I felt sharing my struggle might help with a point I was trying to make - though my struggles have nothing to do with what he is experiencing - I asked him if he had ever heard rumors about me, and he said he had, but he doesn't believe everything he hears. I told him that was, and then went on to make my point, though I did discuss my struggles a bit more later, but he is the second guy from church who I recently found out had heard it...... on one hand, that is kind of scary, knowing there are people who know, that I have no clue about knowing..... on the other hand, if I ever do decide to "out myself", there may not be as many people surprised as I had thought. Most of the time, I don't care. I'm not about to make an announcement, but if people know, so what....... people are going to like and accept me if they truly like me, and if not.... I don't need them.

  It is encouraging that it doesn't seem to bother either of these guys. The first guy who I found out a few months ago knew, still jokes around a lot with me, and messages me on Facebook, but then he knew about me being gay before we ever met........ and the second guy messaged me a few times after we met to eat and acted the same. Honestly, if God could use me because of where I have been, I say let it come out and let the chips fall where they may.

  If you're reading this blog post, I ask that you would pray for me. Most days, I feel I am close to taking that step I need to take, but I know its going to be hard to quit the things I need to quit, and I know the devil isn't going to let go easily.... so please pray God keeps drawing me closer.

  The depression hasn't been as bad lately, but with Thanksgiving approaching, I have been trying to be more  thankful for what I have instead of focusing on what is wrong. And if you do pray.... thank-you for that. God bless.

Affirming gay people to hell

   There is a move on to bridge the gap between the church and gay people. I have run across several blogs/people lately where they are advocating loving gay people more, and reaching out to them more in love as a church and Christians. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few of them:

Spiritual friendship
The Tethered Soul
A Joyful Stammering
The Marin Foundation
Love Is An Orientation
Redemption Pictures

   And there are more. And it is needed. Hey, I'm gay and wish more people would reach out and love me, not accept my sin, but love me. The church has really done a terrible job with homosexuality. People shouldn't have to hide their struggles in church, but too many do. I have, and do. One of the blogs I referenced above has a great blog post about that here, by the way.

  I am definitely not arguing against what they want to do, but I worry some are taking it too far. Micah Murray who runs the blog, Redemption Pictures, goes overboard in my opinion. He seems to believe Christians should just step aside and let the militant gays force them to bake cakes for gay weddings, photograph gay weddings, etc..... his blog isn't about gay struggles, as he is straight, but he does blog a lot about loving gay people more.... I just worry he goes too far, as others may. There IS a gay agenda out there, and if they get their way, it would be a hate crime to say homosexuality is wrong. Ministers could be forced to perform gay marriages.... it has happened in other countries..... I think Micah would vote for gay marriage if given a chance, just to show he loves them.

  That aside, here is the point I am getting to: I fear if people go too far with this loving and accepting gay people, they may affirm them right into hell. The Bible definitely says homosexuality is a sin, and homosexuals are listed among those who will go to hell (not for being gay, but for living in sin and not repenting). I agree no one needs to beat gay people over the head day after day telling them they are a sinner, but if people affirm them in such a way as to pat them on the back and tell them they are fine the way they are.......those loving people could help send them to hell.

  If the gay person is a "gay Christian". as in having sex and a relationship with another person of the same sex, and they are affirmed and never confronted in any way, what favor is the loving person doing them?

  Everyone needs to be loved and accepted as a person, but we don't affirm others living in sin and claiming to be a Christian.
We don't affirm the drug addict and not encourage change and repentance
We don't affirm the thief and not encourage change and repentance
We don't affirm the prostitute and not encourage change and repentance

   I firmly believe a Christian cannot live the gay lifestyle, as in engage in sex with the same gender, and anyone who is doing so should not be affirmed as a Christian..... but the same should be said with other sins. Heterosexual sex outside of marriage is still a sin, and people doing it should not be accepted and affirmed as Christians.

  There is a line that shouldn't be crossed, and I'm not sure where the line is and all there is to know about it, but we are called to carry the Gospel to everyone..... yes, we are to love everyone, but if we are constantly rubbing shoulders with people living in sin and allow them to think they are OK in that sin, we are not being their friend, and they may curse us some day when they stand before God and are condemned to hell for living a sinful life.

  Micah Murray and others seem to feel gay people don't need to be told they are wrong and sinning, just loved. I believe there must be a mix. People trying to love gays should never compromise and let the gay people think their sin is OK with God, that it isn't a sin. It is. How that is all worked out, I don't know, and I'd love to have a real discussion about it with someone who is trying to love gay people but not ever address the sin.

  Maybe I have done a terrible job of getting my point across, but I think the concern needs to be raised. Everyone needs to be loved and accepted as a person, but no one should have their sin ignored and excused.

The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story

Its been a while since I did a book recommendation, and although this book has nothing to do with homosexuality, its worth reading, even if don't normally read fiction. The book is The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett.
 I struggle a lot with believing God loves me, that I'm too bad or messed up for His total forgiveness. This book didn't wipe all that away, but it helped. I cried a lot in the book, it is that moving, and its like the book was written for me. The one author, Greg, wrote this in the foreword, and it is something I could have written:

"I was raised by loving parents in a legalistic and not particularly grace-blessed corner of the church. Although there were many good people, a lot of great music, and a ton of great food in our tradition, what I absorbed from worship more than anything else, was my own worthlessness. If God loved me - and the songs said he did - the preaching and teaching Sunday after Sunday didn't indicate that He did. In fact, if you paid attention to the preacher - and I did - God seemed to be angry with us, really angry, and nothing I did would ever measure up to his notice. As a sensitive and already guilty soul, I took on that worthlessness down to my very marrow. How could God - or anybody - love me, flawed and broken as I was?"

  I read a lot of books in a year, and this may be the best book I have read all year. It is fiction, but has a tremendous message. Book description below:


From the inspirational author of The Ragamuffin Gospel comes a powerful contemporary retelling of the Parable of the Prodigal Son.

Jack Chisholm is “the people’s pastor.” He leads a devoted and growing megachurch, has several best-selling books, and a memorable slogan, “We have got to do better.” Jack knows how to preach, and he understands how to chastise people into performing. What he doesn’t know is anything about grace.

This year, when it comes time for the Christmas sermon, the congregation at Grace Cathedral will look to the pulpit, and Jack will not be there. Of course, they will have seen plenty of him already---on the news.

After an evening of debauchery that leads to an affair with his beautiful assistant, Jack Chisholm finds himself deserted with chilling swiftness. The church elders remove him from his own pulpit. His publisher withholds the royalties from his books.

Worst of all, his wife disappears with their eight-year-old daughter.

But just as Jack is hitting bottom, hopeless and penniless, drinking his way to oblivion, who should appear but his long-estranged father, imploring his prodigal son: “Come home.”

A true companion piece to The Ragamuffin Gospel, The Prodigal illustrates the power of grace through the story of a broken man who finally saw Jesus not because he preached his greatest sermon or wrote his most powerful book, but because he failed miserably.

Jack Chisholm lost everything---his church, his family, his respect, and his old way of believing---but he found grace. It’s the same grace that Brennan Manning devoted his life to sharing: profound in nature and coming from a God who loves us just as we are, and not as we should be.

The gay cross, 2013

   I did a previous blog post titled The Gay Cross, which I also re-posted. I have some more thoughts along that line, and I am not going to re-read my original blog post, so I may repeat myself some, but hopefully not a lot.

  The idea of carrying a cross and denying myself has been on my mind a lot lately, and I just read a book this week that had an excellent chapter about it.

  Nowadays there is such a move on for an easy religion where we decide what parts of the Bible apply to us and what parts don't. There are too many Christians who are reasoning around Scripture, instead of taking it as God's inspired Word.

 I have been of the thinking for a long time, that if we truly love God, want to do His will, and live a life that pleases Him, we aren't going to try to weasel around as much Scripture as we can. We won't live as close to the edge as we can.

  There is such a move on in this day to throw out what the Bible says about homosexuality being a sin. They use all kinds of excuses:
"Its not fair for God to let me be born this way and not give in"
"As long as its a loving relationship, God doesn't condemn that" Oh really? Where does it say THAT?

And other excuses.

  Being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. That whole carrying your cross thing.... that doesn't mean warm fuzzies. It means dying out to everything -  even ourselves and our sexuality - and serving God no matter what.

  I'm still not where I need to be with God, but I know what it is going to entail when I get there:
Celibacy
No sexual fulfillment at all
Loneliness
Rough days
Rougher days

   It doesn't sound fun. Picking up my cross is going to mean battling what comes so naturally to me, being gay, lusting after guys, fulfilling that lust. Will it be hard to stop? A thousand times yes. Am I alone? No, and there could be worse crosses than to carry a gay cross.

    Look at Nick Vujicic. He was born with no arms or legs. Does he have a heavy cross to carry? For sure, and if I had to pick, I'd pick homosexuality. Its a hard thing to deal with, but I can't imagine dealing with what he does.

   Joni Earekson Tada. Paralyzed from the neck down since 1978. What a heavy cross. How difficult it must be to serve and trust God, a God who I am sure she has prayed to for healing many times and never got......... sound familiar? If you struggle with same-sex attractions, you have probably done the same. I have. I have begged God to make me "normal", begged him to fix me. He hasn't. And maybe there is a reason.

   God has used, and is using these two individuals in ways they could never have been used if they didn't have the physical limitations that they have. If I had gotten a true relationship with God and determined to serve Him no matter what, picked up my very heavy cross and kept going, who knows how God could have used me...... and who knows how He still could use me if I get to that place.

  Those among us who deal with same-sex attractions and want to reason around what the Bible says, who want to "have their cake and eat it too" - have a sexual relationship with the same sex and be a Christian...... they aren't taking up their cross and denying themselves. They have decided they are going to make the Bible fit into their lifestyle, and have tossed the cross aside. How sad it will be for them when they face God.

  I wish it weren't so. I wish I could be gay and Christian, as in give into my desires and serve God, but its not possible. God wants it all, even my sexuality. Its not easy, but those who truly sell out for God rarely do have it easy. It could be worse. I could have no limbs, or be paralyzed, or be in prison for my faith, being beaten and tortured. Same-sex attractions/struggles? We have it easy compared to many, and who do we think we are claiming we are the exception to carrying our cross and denying ourselves? God wants us to pick up our cross, our gay cross, deny ourselves and our sexuality, and follow Him. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

My story part 5, the friendship years and moving back

   I was reading the newsletter from the college I had attended, and there was a blurb about a chapel service they had recently had. A woman who had a gay son had come and spoken on the subject of homosexuality. I was surprised to find someone in my church circles who knew much about it, so I emailed her, and we started emailing back and forth. She had several young men who were gay, many of them trying to overcome. She gave me the link to one guy's blog and I contacted him, but never heard back.

   This lady was going to be speaking at a Christian college quite a ways from me, and was encouraging me to go. She and a few others were going to talk about the issue of homosexuality, including a guy who struggled with same-sex attractions. She gave me his blog address, and I contacted him, not expecting a reply after the attempt with the other guy. To my surprise, he replied and we started corresponding and eventually talking on the phone. We had a lot in common, including church backgrounds, and quickly became friends. We met for the first time on March 17, 2006. Within the next few months, I went to visit him, and he came to visit me.

  I think he was the one who first brought up the idea of my moving there. There was 400 miles away. I started praying about it, being in one of my rare serving God periods - and even now looking back, I feel it was something I was supposed to do. So against my parents wishes - and his - I moved there and Matthew and I shared an apartment. I still believe my parents were against it because they couldn't watch and control me 24/7.

  The two years I lived there were great. Not everything was perfect, and it took some adjusting to living with someone again, especially another guy that struggled with same-sex attractions, but there was far more good than bad. If you've never felt lonely and friendless, you can't understand what it was like for me. For the first time in my life, I had another guy to hang out with on a regular basis, and one who I knew wanted to hang out.

  "Matthew" and I became more like brothers and friends, and I had a lot of good times with him, his cousin, and another friend.

  I can honestly say my sexual struggles were at a minimum while I lived there. Oh, I still had them, but nothing like before or since. I think there were a couple of reasons:
1) I was fulfilling a need for male companionship and friendship
2) I was completely independent of my parents

  I got to missing my nieces and nephews a lot. I came home when I could, but it wasn't often enough. Plus, I got tired of  the cold cloud of disapproval from my parents. The final straw was when my mom went through depression. I probably unfairly blamed myself, and decided to move back. I had no job to go to, not enough money for a place of my own, so my parents said I could put most of my stuff in storage and live in their basement until I found something.

  That has been five years, and the last five years have been the pits. I have had trouble finding a full time job, I went through bankruptcy, I have gone back into the gay sex as much as before I moved away, and have been suffering from depression most of the time since I got back. I still haven't gotten to the place where I can afford my own place, and my views of God are more messed up than they have ever been.

  I am more lonely than I had ever been, and living with my parents has crushed my spirit and made me even more depressed.

  I've wondered many times if I should have moved back. I felt it was God's will to move away, but moving back...... that was my parents' will, and nothing has gone right in my life since I moved back. Will I ever move away again? I doubt it. I need space from my parents, but I pretty much fear them more than God. Even if I knew God wanted me to move somewhere, I don't think I could, for my parents would be against it.

  "Matthew" and I are still best friends, and even from a distance, he is a great help and encouragement, even if he doubts he is. Unfortunately, we only see each other once a year since moving back, and I often wish he was with me as I browse bookstores and sit in restaurants eating by myself.

  The future scares me. I do have a job now, after being out of work for several months, but it is part time and is a 45 minute drive. I also have to work every Sunday, which I don't like, and though I like the job, I find myself wondering if its the right one for me. I so desperately need my own place and more privacy, but that doesn't seem possible any time soon.

  Spiritually, I am doing nothing. I do pray every day, basically a prayer that God will help me find Him, that I'd get the right views of Him, and that He won't give up on me.

  I am thankful God has given me some people who want to help. Unfortunately, most of them aren't close, but they are a help and encouragement regardless.

 I long for what I feel I never have had: a relationship with God. I have served Him out of fear, out of the desire to make my family happy, and out of  the desire to do right, but never because I loved Him and felt He loved me. I want that, but it seems as elusive as hunting for the fountain of  youth. I hope someday to truly find Him.

My story part 4, College and beyond

   I managed to make it through my last two years of Bible College without being found out, but it was scary. I knew if anyone found out, I'd be kicked out on my ear. Looking back, I realize how crazy it was to be living on a conservative Bible College campus, being gay, and hiding porn in my room.

  I'll never forget one close call I had. My room was off the kitchen and if I was in there with the door open, it was like a communal area, with guys gathering in there to talk. I could be reading and guys would be in there chatting, playing with my stereo, etc. This one time, I got dog piled on my bed, and the added weight of 3 or 4 more guys caused the mattress and bed springs to fall through the frame to the floor........ and I was in instant panic mode. I had a few gay porn magazines hidden between the box springs and mattress. Everyone but me got up and a couple of the guys were going to put it back together..... and I knew if that happened, I was going to be in deep trouble. I managed to get them out of  the room and said I'd do it, but wow.... I found a new hiding place in my room and never hid them there again.

  I graduated and moved home with the promise of a job. I was trying to be a Christian, and part of that was because of the job I had. I managed to keep things under control for a year, but barely. They didn't need me another year, so I dropped back into the porn and sex, which wasn't happening often, as I had a hard time meeting guys.

  Around this time, for the first time, I confided about my struggles to someone. There was a guy at college I had gotten along with well, and though we hadn't hung out a lot, I felt I could trust him. I wrote him a letter, really beating around the bush, wondering if there was hope for someone who had these feelings. He read between the lines and replied positively. We corresponded for several years, and he was instrumental in doing away with my idea that I was doomed because I was attracted to other guys.

  Not having much luck finding work, I moved back to the state and town I had gone to college in. I found a way to meet more guys and thought nothing regular, I started getting deeper into gay sex. I still had my moments when I'd try to quit and serve God, and eventually approached my pastor and confided in him. He started meeting with me occasionally and tried to help, but knew nothing about helping a guy that had these struggles.

  On a visit home one weekend, I went to visit a couple from church that were great friends with my parents. I confided in them, and they promised to pray for me. It was during this conversation that I found out my mom had talked to her a lot during my high school years, and had confided that she had wondered why my dad didn't step in and do something about the bullying...... that kind of hurt, for until then, I wasn't sure my parents were aware of it happening much.

  A few years went by and in those years, I discovered adult bookstores. Oh, I'd known about their existence, but didn't know they were a major hookup place for guys seeking sex with other guys. I started meeting more and more men for sex.

  Then the bottom fell out. All of my family was now living out here, and I was living in a duplex my parents owned, paying them rent. My mom would often go through my apartment to get to my sister and brother-in-law's apartment, and I can only assume she found some of my porn somehow, I never asked, but somehow they found out.

  I was still meeting with my pastor occasionally, and he had asked to talk to me one evening before church. He had asked me before if I thought my parents knew, and I had said no. He asked me again this time, and replied with words that struck terror to my soul: "They know." He called them in, and it wasn't pretty. It pretty much went like this: "how could you do this to us, who have you told, and don't you ever tell anyone again". They all prayed, and we left. The next Sunday, my mom dragged me to the altar - literally. I was furious and didn't even try to pray. I endured weeks of lectures, questions about if I had had sex with guys, demands to get tested for HIV. I was miserable, furious, and hurt. They seemed more worried that people would find out and think they were bad parents, than actually caring about me. They said things like " we were praying you'd find a way to not lose you hair, then we find out you're doing that!"

  I couldn't go anywhere without having to say where I was and what I did, something that never has quit, though they aren't quite as bad as they used to be. Their actions didn't help. I just got better at hiding it.

  By the time I got a computer and internet in 2000, I had already been with dozens of guys. I had found more than one way to find and meet guys, but the internet made it even easier with gay chat rooms. There were weeks I was with a different guy almost every night of the week. I was still living under my sister, so that curtailed some of my meeting, I obviously couldn't have guys there unless they were away for an extended amount of time, but I still found a lot of guys to meet.

  I started going through cycles. I'd get sick of it all, repent, and try to serve God, only to give up after a few months, weeks, days, sometimes even hours. It wasn't until the last few years that I realize how messed up my views of God have been, and of His love. Had that not been the case, I might have been able to avoid those cycles and have stayed true to God.

  Around 2003, I got my own place. It got much easier to hook up with guys. I'd be out late meeting guys, going to gay bathhouses. I would still try to quit, and had had a new pastor (my current pastor)  for a few years that tried even more than my previous pastor had tried to help me. I had gone to college with him, and it helped that I'd known him for so long. But again, he didn't know much about it.

  It was around this time that I had my second "outing". Due to a friend and co-worker asking questions, I had confided in her, and she said if I ever needed someone to talk to about it, she was there. I won't go into details, but a few months later, she outted to me to everyone at work, destroyed a relationship I had, and caused me months of sleepless nights. It was difficult working with her, and all that saved me from being fired from the Christian business I worked at, was the owners were afraid I'd sue. I was trying to serve God at the time, so I managed to keep a lid on my emotions and not react too badly. My other co-workers commented that they were impressed with how I handed it, and instead of getting their condemnation, I got their admiration, but it was the toughest thing I ever went through. I lost two people from my life that were important to me, but thankfully it never got outside of where I worked.

  My times when I was serving God were becoming fewer and fewer, and with longer periods of time in between. Loneliness was often one of the main triggers for my giving in, and I started praying again for something I had prayed for before, and then in 2006, I had a couple of things happen that majorly affected me.

   I had tried to help a teenage boy a few years before that was gay. He was a church kid, not mine, and I tried to encourage him to try to stay away from the gay stuff. Unfortunately, his Luthern pastor encouraged him to pursue it and said it was OK. I emailed him some, trying to help, but he didn't want help. His parents found out he was gay, and accepted it.

In 2006, he crossed my path again. He was now 19, and wanted to come over and watch a movie. It didn't stop with a movie, and I was crushed afterwards. I had had sex with a young man who I had previously tried to help. Yes, he was legal, but it still shook me up and resulted in a renewed attempt to serve God.
 Then  Matthew** came into my life.

(not his real name)

My story part 3, college, and the discovery

   I started to come out of my shell in college. It wasn't a big college, running maybe 80-90 students at the time. I felt somewhat accepted, though didn't have any close friends. I got picked on some, and it got so bad at one point that an off campus student who would visit in the dorm, reported it to the college president who put a stop to it.

  I bought my first porn magazine while on a Bible College campus. Playboy. It did nothing for me, and I thought the pictures were gross, but didn't know why.

  I had never dated, but it was the thing to do. I liked a girl, and we dated for about a year. I never kissed her or anything else physical, though that was discouraged on a campus such as I was on, but it never occurred to me what I should be feeling.... I was still clueless about sex. After a year, she was driving me crazy, so I broke up with her.

  I won't make a long story out of it, but my other girlfriend basically asked me out. We were pretty friendly and she sent me a letter beating around the bush. Sort of a "I think you feel this way, and if you do, I might, etc." We dated about a year or so, and again, nothing physical. Looking back, they both were like good buddies.

  While I was dating her, something happened that turned my world upside down. By this time I was looking at guys a lot, but still clueless about what was going on. In my junior year, for a class I was taking, we had to write a paper on some major issue like abortion. I decided to do mine on the occult, but my idea was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get involved in the occult by studying about it, and she didn't want that to happen to me. I thought a few seconds, and to this day I am not sure where it came from, but asked if I could do it on homosexuality. She said yes, and said she knew that wasn't something she'd worry about me getting into. How wrong she was.

  I found some books on the subject of homosexuality and began reading and studying. It was like a light was turned on. I realized with horror that these books described me. I was a homosexual. I started reading for a different reason: to understand what was going on with me. It was hard to deal with.

  I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year, to her shock. I think she was thinking marriage already. I feel bad when I think about it, but it was far better than marrying her.

  Somewhere around that time, I was in a bookstore and discovered the fully illustrated book "The Joy of Gay Sex". I bought it and hid it in my dorm room and used it during my masturbating times. I found a couple of other books that had sex between two males described and eagerly devoured whatever I could get my hands on.

  Three months later, I was home for the weekend from college. I was browsing in a bookstore that was common at that time, The Book Nook. I walked down one aisle and was surprised to see they had porn magazines for sale. Out of curiosity, I started glancing through them, and to my complete shock, I found gay ones. I was so clueless, I had no idea they made gay pornography. The magazines were not hardcore, and I found a few that had erotic stories in them along with pictures of naked guys. I paid with them with what felt like a flaming face.

  I exited the store, and was approached by a guy close my age who asked if I wanted a blow job. He would watch for guys who bought gay porn and approach them for sex. I said yes, and we got in his car and drove to a deserted location and I received and gave my first oral sex. I went home feeling dirty and immediately took a bath.

  That wasn't the last time that happened. Two other times I purchased gay porn at that store and it ended with oral sex in a car.

  I started living my double life. A guy in Bible college, hiding gay porn in my room, and having sex with guys when I could.

My story part 2, high school

   There were times in my life growing up, that I not only doubted my dad loved me, but sometimes I wondered about my mom, and somewhere along the line, I got the idea that they wouldn't love me if I wasn't serving God. I remember many times my mom asking me how I was doing spiritually, and no matter how, I'd say I was doing good. I was afraid of what response I'd get if I said no.

  My dad was big into hunting, and I had tried it one year, and hated it. It ended with a scene at my grandma's after I had gotten lost and had all the males in the family looking for me. I quit, and decided to never do it again, and it seemed to drive a wedge in the already distant relationship with my dad.

  I was hating school, and got picked on regularly. I dreaded it when the teacher would leave the room...... I always got picked on. I loved to read, and reading became an escape. It seemed to bug my dad that I always had my nose in a book, but his world didn't interest me. Reading did.

  I discovered masturbation all on my own somewhere between 8th and 9th grade, and I won't go into details of how, but was soon addicted. I discovered somehow that the romance books with barely dressed people on the covers had some pretty graphic sex scenes in them, and was soon addicted to them as a prequel to pornography, and in my opinion, they are pornography. Even then, I was more attracted to the shirtless guys on the cover than the barely dressed women, and would focus on the description of the guy in the sex scenes, but I was clueless about homosexuality. We had not had a TV since I was 12, and I lived a very sheltered life.

  I was still getting picked on a lot at school, more than anyone knew. I still remember when some EMTS came in to train us all for CPR in high school. The other kids started making fun of me when I started CPR on the dummy, and I ran from the room and hid out in the bathroom. One of the EMTS chased me down and tried to get me to go back and finish, but I refused, and never did learn CPR, and that incident comes to mind any time people mention getting CPR training.

  There was an event every year at another church that was a district thing, and they always had the choirs from the local Christian schools sing together in a mass choir. I went one year, probably 8th or 9th grade, and was the only boy from my school. The boys from the other schools were really nice to me, which I wasn't used to, and I had a really hard time talking to them. Looking back, I realize that was most likely the start of my being attracted to other boys. Whereas a normal boy might have felt shy around a bunch of girls, I felt shy around a bunch of boys.
 
  Not everything other kids did to me was bullying in that sense of the word, but looking back at what happened in 9th grade, it may really hurt me in ways I didn't realize for years. I can't remember how it started, but some of the boys started messing with me in other ways. It wasn't unusual for them to do stuff to me to get me to get an erection, like one boy older than me, poked me in that area with a broom stick until I got one, and that wasn't the only time something like that happened. It somehow escalated to them getting me to pull down my pants and expose myself to other boys in the bathroom - always being egged on by the one I was exposing myself to. They told other boys, and they'd get me to do it.

  Our principal had lost some part in the all purpose building, and myself and 3 other boys were spending some time looking for it, and sex kept coming up. There was groping and stuff going on, and it ended with one of the boys exposing himself and me being egged on to put my mouth on his exposed penis.

   Where things would have ended, I have no idea. The same boy I mentioned with the broom stick, who was 3 years older, pulled me aside one day shortly after the above mentioned incident. He told me that was what queer guys did, and if I didn't stop, he would talk to my parents. So I quit. Skipping ahead several years briefly, I was at a camp meeting several years later after he and I had both graduated, and he came up to me and apologized for the way he had treated me in school. He said he didn't even know why he did it, and I replied and said it was brought on by my not being good at sports, and he said that was no excuse. He was the only one who ever apologized to me. Unfortunately, I got picked on at that camp meeting more than one summer.

   When I started 10th grade, they changed the format of grades K-8 to something called A.C.E. Instead of the traditional classroom and teaching, students sat in like a booth and worked on their own through books called "paces". Mostly to get away from all of the kids who picked on me, I asked and got permission to switch to it. That worked in my favor the next year when  the whole school went to that format.

   My last two years of school weren't too bad. Most of the kids who had picked on me had graduated or moved to another school. It was too late. My self esteem was shredded.

  In my senior year, we got a new pastor at church who had a boy my age. We got along pretty well and hung out some. There were a lot of other boys in the church, so it wasn't a very regular thing. He dated my sister and when they broke up, he quit being my friend too, though I am thankful that he got me to go to Bible college and helped me get used to that before that happened.

   By the time I got to college, I was a mess spiritually. I was up and down, and as I have stated before, was scared into going to the altar at every revival and camp meeting. I was addicted to masturbation, and I was so naïve, that I figured I was the only kid doing it. It is what would trip me up and make me give up on serving God.

  Somewhere around graduating and going to college, I experienced what I think was my first crush. I was at the church camp I mentioned before, and there was a boy around my age there with his brother and brother-in-law who were providing the music. I felt shy and awkward around him and could hardly look at him.... but again, I barely knew what homosexuality was.

   College. It was a good and bad experience. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone, and other times I am glad I did.

My story part 1, early childhood and elementary

  I don't know that I have ever posted a blog post telling my story. I have mentioned a lot in different blog posts, but I don't think in its entirety. If I have, then this can be an updated one. This may get long, so I may do it in parts.

   I am the oldest of three children, my two siblings both being girls. My parents had been Christians and backslid at some point. All I can remember was living in an unsaved home until I was close to twelve years of age.

  Due to reasons I won't go into here, we were never very close to my mom's side of the family, and all of her siblings are her half brothers and sisters, so I was never around my cousins much on that side of the family. I was around my cousins on my dad's side a lot, and can remember being teased by my male cousins at an early age, but nothing too major. I was the youngest grandson, so that was probably why. There was enough of an age gap between most of my male cousins and I, that they never were playmates. The one closest to me in age, two years my senior, picked on me quite a bit, and became one of my biggest tormenters in high school.

  The neighborhood we lived in until I was ten didn't have many kids. We didn't get along with the kids in the one family that had a boy my age. They were brats, but maybe we were too. I played with my sisters and some neighborhood girls.

  At school, I got along with the boys OK during elementary, playing cowboys and Indians and playing on the playground equipment. I'll never forget one year, and I am not sure how old I was, but I am thinking maybe 4th grade,  it was like a switch was flipped and all of the other boys wanted to play sports. I remember feeling lost...... I had no interest, and wanted to keep playing what we had always played.

  My dad did try to get me interested in sports and played ball with me some at home, throwing the ball to me and hitting balls with a bat, but I usually had to be prodded, it wasn't something I enjoyed that much.

  I went fishing some with my dad, and enjoyed it, but I was never close to him. If we went somewhere in two vehicles as a family, I would always want to ride with my mom. I was around the age of 8 when my mom came in my room at bedtime and said my dad felt I was too old for him to hug and/or kiss anymore. I didn't understand it - still don't to this day, as he never stopped with my sisters.

  Even though my parents were not serving God, due to my grandma's insistence, my parents had had me in a Christian school since Kindergarten, the same school my sisters and I would attend K-12 and graduate from.

  In 5th grade, I met my first bully. He was a new student and decided I was fun to pick on. I got it quite a bit from him, and from some other kids by the time 6th grade came, but nothing too major. I was already feeling distanced from other boys, and would hang out by myself or with the girls.

  When I was in 6th grade, 2 things happened back to back that woke my parents up, and they got back to God. Suddenly, instead of just going to Sunday School a couple of times a month, we were going every Sunday, staying for the sermon, and going back Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening, and revivals, and camp meetings......

   Then 7th grade came. Again, it was like a switch was flipped. I came back to school from summer vacation to find out that all the other kids in my grade evidently had been told the facts of life, and they seemed to take delight in telling me and making a mockery of it. They thought it was hilarious that I was still clueless, that my parents hadn't told me (and never did). They took delight in telling me all kinds of things about sex, and that was where I got my sex education.

  7th grade is also where the bullying picked up and intensified. Other boys would take my lunch, or things from it and play keep away. I'd get pushed into snow drifts, made fun of. 7th through 12 had to have gym class, and since it was a small private school, I had to do whatever the rest of the boys wanted, which was sports. I was horrible at sports, and wasn't interested, and I think that intensified the bullying. I was the kid picked last, and they usually weren't shy about grumbling in front of me when they got stuck with me.

  Football was the worst. I didn't understand it - still don't - and was forced to play it. I am just thankful we didn't have showers...... that would have made my life even more miserable.

  I still hung out with the girls. I remember my parents coming home from a parent teacher conference when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and giving me a hard time because the teacher expressed concern about me hanging out with the girls instead of  the boys. I was ordered to change that, but I didn't. The boys bullied me. I didn't want to be around them.

  Then 9th grade came along, and some things happened that looking back,  most likely really set the stage for the same-sex attractions that would hound me to this day.

A new blog to follow

I have a Twitter account that I rarely use. It is set up to post links to posts I do on my other blog, and that's about all the activity that it sees from me, but I recently have found some ministries to follow that are geared for helping people with same-sex attractions. One guy had his blog listed, so I checked it out, and I have been impressed with anything I have read so far. I put a link on my sidebar, and decided to mention it here too. It has a unique name, but is worth following: Unicorns, Aliens, and Bigfoot - My post-gay life.

God Desires You Far More Than You Desire Him by Jon Bloom

Below is the kind of thing I wished I could believe. I read it, liked it, it stirred something in me, and I even shared it on Facebook, but to believe it really applies to me...... I can't grasp it.

It is from the website Desiring God, and this isn't the first time they have had a blog post that I was impressed with, so I have added it to my blog list over on the right, even though it isn't related to homosexuality.

Link to blog post here.

God Desires You Far More Than You Desire Him

by Jon Bloom | November 11, 2013

 

Christianity is not so much about you desiring God as it is about God desiring you. I wonder if you believe that.

We are all about desiring God at Desiring God. We believe with all our hearts that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.

But the truth is that we will not desire God if we don’t believe that really God desires us. If God is a powerful person who in reality cares little or nothing about us, we may have a fear-based respect for him, but we will not love him. We will certainly not be satisfied in him. We will keep our distance from him and find our true satisfaction elsewhere.

This is, in fact, why many of us feel distant from God. We think he’s distant from us, but really we are keeping our distance from him. We don’t desire God because we believe things about him that are wrong. And because of that we have grown cynical, disillusioned, and have serial spiritual adulterous affairs with idols in our lives.

And if this describes you, you’re listening to what your perception says about God and not what God says about God. And what you need right now is to come to terms with the truth that “Jesus Christ desires to be with you a thousand times more than you desire to be with him.” He wants you! You need to know that the Christian God is a desiring God.

Listen to the message that pastor R W Glenn delivered at our National Conference six weeks ago. In this message, he beautifully unpacks this truth from Hosea chapter 7. Please listen to it. It’s 45 minutes that really may change your life. It may help you understand why you struggle so much to desire God and it may open up a new world of worship for you. Here’s a taste:

If God says that he wants you (and wants all of you) warts and all, he wants you. Everything about you – all the stuff you are ashamed of, all the stuff you hate about yourself, all your failures, all the weaknesses, all your filthiness and all your idolatry, all your unbelief — God wants you still. Stop believing yourself and believe him instead. He’s got a fix on reality. And the reality is that the Lord loves you with all he is.

Jesus so loved you and desired you that while you were still a sinner he died for you (Romans 5:8). And if you love him at all it is because he first loved you (1 John 4:19). Delve into that glorious mystery! Don’t remain distant!

It may be that before you can focus on desiring God, you need to focus on the desiring God. When you really know the desiring God, you’ll find him irresistible.

Do I want to change? Part 2

I did a blog post a few days ago that a couple of my friends have taken me to task for, Do I want to change?  Partly in response to them, and to anyone else who may read it, I thought I'd try to clarify things a bit.

I definitely want to be a Christian, but not the Christian I have been in the past. I have read enough books, heard enough people speak, have talked to enough people, to know there is a better experience than I have had, an actual relationship with God.

To be blunt, I enjoy sex, porn, getting off sexually. I won't get graphic to the whys and what's I like about it, as I have always tried to be careful what I say, but I like it. I will say it gives me a connection I don't get anywhere else, and it isn't all about sex.

I've blogged a lot about my struggle to believe God loves me. There have been times I thought I did, but then something would happen to take me back to square one. I also never feel I have loved God. I have served Him out of duty and fear. I don't think its been totally about escaping hell, though that is a big part of it. I have always had the desire to do right, and to live a life pleasing to God..... I just never have managed to do it for very long.

My Christian experience has been shallow and pathetic. To be honest, I never have enjoyed reading the Bible much - parts of it, but to read it daily as part of what a Christian is supposed to do..... it has been a duty, something to check off my list, and all too often a drudgery. The same with prayer. I never could imagine God cared to hear what I had to say, so I'd pray just to stay in His good graces.

I have wondered at times if I ever truly have been a Christian, but there have been times when I felt a sense of peace, though it has never lasted long. There have been times that I spoke in church, or posted a blog when I knew God had helped me, I could never have said what I did on my own...... is it possible to be a Christian and not really have what you'd call a relationship with God? I don't know, but I do believe I have been a Christian, just not a very good one.

Where I'm going with this, is why I'm not sure I want to change. In the past, there have been countless times when I threw out porn and other things that were wrong, set up internet porn blockers, cut off contact with guys I had been with sexually, then settled into my shallow Christian experience of fear. I never got much out of the change, and missed the fun I had before, which is one reason I would give up and go back to the sex and porn again.

So do I want to change? Quit the sex and porn? Not if it is just exchanging one prison for another, which is pretty much what I have done in the past. If it means a real relationship with God and not feeling like I am the most miserable excuse for a Christian that has ever been..... definitely, but the idea of my having the kind of relationship with God....... its like my wishing I'd win a million dollars. It hardly seems possible to me.

If I tried to change right now, it wouldn't last. This may sound like a selfish statement, but I don't mean it to be: if I am going to change, quit the sex, porn, etc, I need something better than what I have had in the past....... and I don't know how to get there.

I haven't chucked God and the desire to be normal out the window. I do feel hopeless most days, and yes, there are some days when I'm not sure I want to try. Days when I wish I could walk away from the church and Christianity and really live the gay lifestyle...... but there are days when I really want to end it all, and I'm definitely not doing that.

In the past, when I tried to change and serve God, it was like I stopped eating food that was bad for me, and switched to no food at all.... maybe that's a bad comparison, but it hopefully gives an idea of what I am trying to say.

What should we expect from our church family?

   There's a guy from my church who I have known for several years. I was never what I'd call friends with him. We'd run shoulders at church and school functions, but nothing more. He added me as a friend on Facebook several months back and we have become closer friends than we were. We both have what you'd call goofy personalities, so we joke around a lot. He has also become pretty good friends with my sister and brother-in-law who go to my church, and with my parents.

  I was surprised when my mom pulled me aside a couple of weeks ago and said I couldn't tell what she was going to tell me. Since this is an anonymous blog, I will give generalities here and not worry about it getting out: his wife is really mean to him. I don't think physical, but verbally. It has been going on for 10 years. Our pastor told him he needs to tell some of his friends and get it off of his chest, and so he has. Divorce is most likely not an option. I feel badly for him. It seems people are rallying around him. He met my parents and my sister for lunch at least once. I jokingly invited him to our place last week for a dessert my mom made, and he expressed enough interest that I told him to come, so he did.

  He has given me a hard time in fun when I go out to eat, asking me why he wasn't invited, and my best friend said maybe he is serious. So I tried today to meet him for lunch, but he wasn't around, but thanked me and said another time. Even as messed up as I am, I want to somehow encourage him a bit if I can.

  It has got me to thinking though. My best friend, who struggles with SSA, has expressed frustration to me before about people in his church not doing more to help him. Unlike me, he has been open enough with his struggle that everyone knows. I am at the point that I don't really care who knows, but I'm not going to announce it to the world either. There are a lot of people who know. My family, of course, who unfortunately found out about 17 years ago, I had a co-worker out me to everyone at work at a previous job, and I have told quite a few people. In addition, thanks to a jerk who was a moderator on a church site - long story - I have no idea who may know. I know he told people, but have no idea how many. I just recently found out a friend of mine from church knows, and that he has known for a while, and can't remember how he found out...... which worries me a bit. But on the other hand, I sometimes don't care who knows. The longer I have gone dealing with it, the more inclined I am to admit it to people.

   I've lost track of how many people know who I am aware of knowing. In my church alone, there has to be 20-25. My Sunday School teacher knows and tries to meet with me when he can, which is usually once in the summer, since he is so busy - and he is busy. A lady from my church who is like a mother to half the church knows, and she will email me occasionally. My pastor will meet with me usually once a year.

  Is it wrong to expect more? Before I moved out of the area, my pastor was more proactive in helping me. There as a period where he met with me weekly in his study. He would check up on me regularly, and another guy from church also would. Since I moved back, I never hear from the other guy, and my pastor meets with me once a year, and never asks me how I'm doing........ is it wrong of me to feel hurt and disappointed? Yes, I could call him, and he'd meet, but I'm not the type to ask for help, and since I'm not even trying to do right at this point, why bother him just to talk. And I like my pastor, a lot. I have known him since I was a junior in Bible College, which is about 23 years now, so he knows me pretty well. And to be honest, I'm not sure what I expect. I don't expect weekly meetings like he did at one time, but is it wrong to wish for more than one meeting at McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts once a year? His wife did send me a few messages on Facebook when I was jobless saying that they were praying for me, but I think she was meaning more the job.

We sing the song "The Family of God" at church pretty often....... but if its a family, why do I feel I don't belong, why does it seem no one cares about my problem, which is a big problem, that knows about it?

Sometimes I wish I hadn't moved back. Nothing has worked out the way I wanted. I'm still living in my parents' basement since I'm not making enough money yet to have my own place, and to be honest, as badly as I want my own place, I am terrified that I will fail and not be able to pay all my bills and get in debt again. I hate being so dependent on my parents, but I'm scared what would happen to me if they were suddenly out of the picture. Could I make it on my own, or would I end up in some kind of homeless shelter? And I'm not joking - I worry about it. No one, not even my best friend, really gets what a mess I am inside. Spiritually, emotionally...... I think he thinks I am joking when I worry about ending up living in a box on the street some day. I'm not. All I see when I look at myself, is failure. Yes, my depression has gotten worse in the last few months - and I think I know why - but I just can't see me ever really making it. Having a decent enough place of my own to fit me and all my stuff in it. I'm scared.

And the reason I think I am more depressed: There are two: Winter is setting in, and I am always worse in the winter, and tied to that, I had so hoped to have been in my own place again before winter set in........ and I'm not.

 

Do I want to change?

   I've been thinking a lot lately, and I'm not sure I want to change enough for it to work if I tried to quit. I enjoy porn, self pleasure, sex with guys, and can't imagine never having a sexual release again, and that's what it would be for me. I hold no illusions of any kind of relationship with a woman ever happening. It may sound like a lack of faith, but I believe it is just realism. I accepted the fact several years back that marriage would never happen. It still hurts. I still feel twinge when I see a couple obviously in love, a stab in the heart when I see a guy with his little boy..... it hurts.

  I'm against gay marriage, but a part of me wishes I could have a guy to love and would love me.

  I'm really starting to wonder if being a Christian is possible for me. There is a part of me that longs for the kind of relationship with God that I see some have, but I fear my primary reason for being a Christian is the same one I have had all my life, and is part of the reason why its never worked: I don't want to go to hell.

  Thing is, what else would I get out of being a Christian? I'd still be lonely. There is no place for a single guy my age in the church. I'd be sexually frustrated with no sexual release. I'd still have money problems, and I'd still not want to get old.

  Really, all that is keeping me from being more involved in the gay lifestyle, is my parents. It isn't God, or any desire to do right, or even fear of getting AIDS.

  Maybe that's why God seems so unreachable. He knows I mainly want to escape hell.

The two books I read today

Today was one of my days off, and I am a fast reader who likes to read, so reading two books in one day might sound like a lot to some people, but I have read more in one day than that before. Both were fiction, and both of them have affected me a lot and caused a lot of introspection and even a bit of turmoil, at least with the one book.

First up: Unforeseeable by Nancy Mehl. I don't typically read Amish or Mennonite fiction, but this is a suspense series, and I actually have enjoyed it. I won this, the third and last book in the trilogy, and finally read it today.

The Mennonites in the book are very strict ones. Most of them don't have cars or electric, but some of them do. Most of them are pretty close to being Amish.

What got me was one of the main characters, a young woman, was starting to question some of the church's teachings, such as the prayer cap, what she could wear, etc. Though she was a fictional character, her struggles/questioning echoed my own. Like her, I have been told what to believe. Like her, my church is very strict and conservative. No, we are not as strict as the people in the book, but we are strict. I have started questioning some things, but I'm at a loss anymore what to believe and what not to believe. I feel there is a danger of throwing off too much of what you have been taught, but there is also a danger of just marching on doing what you have been taught to believe, and never finding out on your own what God expects out of you.

But truth be told, I fear my parents too much to do anything about it. I started doing something several years back, I don't want to say what it is, as it is extreme....... but for the sake of making it easier to tell, I'll make something up. Most guys at my church wear ties, there is nothing taught about them, but I'll say there is for my story. About 20 years ago, I decided the Bible said nothing about ties, prayed about it, and felt clear to wear them. My parents gave me a hard time about it. To this day, I can be around my mom wearing a tie, and she will be commenting about seeing someone from church and they had a tie on....... and like I said, its not ties. I hate wearing them :-)

But given my parents' reactions with my breaking one of the church's rules that is so minor, I'm too afraid to do more. I don't want to leave my church, for I have started to sort through some things, and it would be hard to find a church that I agreed enough with to be comfortable with. I feel my church is too strict, and may border on being legalistic, but there are enough things I still believe that most churches would be too liberal for me, not to mention most have music styles I am uncomfortable with when in church.

But to come back to my point...... even at my age, mid-40's, I am not allowed to decide what is right for me - and I mean God giving me what is right, if I ever get to the place where I have that relationship with Him. I'm doing what my church and parents taught me. And I'm stuck. Thus the turmoil.

When one feels they are such a disappointment to their parents as I do, I don't want to do more to disappoint them, such as changing things I do or do not do that I have been taught.

The other book didn't cause me turmoil, but did stir me a lot. In fact, I cried a lot while I read it: The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett. I have never read anything by Manning, who just died this past April, but after reading this fiction book, I am thinking that maybe I need to read more, especially The Ragamuffin Gospel.

This book is supposed to be a modern version of the prodigal son story from the Bible. The main character, Jack Chisholm, is a popular and successful "celebrity" pastor of a 10,000 member church. He gets drunk and has sex with his secretary and becomes front page news. His wife takes their daughter and goes into hiding. His church kicks him out. He ends up being rescued and taken home by his father, who he has ignored for ten years.

I don't want to tell a lot of the story, but Jack realizes how wrong he has been all of his life. Like me, he has had a performance based religion, always trying to "be better" to please God. At one point in the story, he has got some really bad news, and is bemoaning the fact that God is still punishing him. A priest that has been hanging out with him points out that God isn't like that, and expounds more on that point - but that is exactly how I have felt in the past all too often. Things don't go right, and I think its God getting even with me for messing up.

Although the book is fictional, it had a great message of God's love that I needed.

But here is the problem: it probably won't do any good. The book moved me, had a great message about God always loving us, never giving up on us, etc...... but tomorrow, I'll be back to doubting again. It has happened before. I have read books that made me cry, books that had a great message about God loving me, but it never sticks. And I don't know how to make it stick.

I'll probably tell my best friend about it on the phone later, and I know what he'll say. He has said it before when I talked about a book stirring me like this: "so what are you going to do to change?" or something similar to that.

Does it do me any good to read books like this, if I still don't get it? If I still doubt God cares about me and that there is any hope of my having a real relationship with Him? I'm not sure. I hope it does me good, and someday it will finally click and I'll get it.