I've been thinking a lot lately, and I'm not sure I want to change enough for it to work if I tried to quit. I enjoy porn, self pleasure, sex with guys, and can't imagine never having a sexual release again, and that's what it would be for me. I hold no illusions of any kind of relationship with a woman ever happening. It may sound like a lack of faith, but I believe it is just realism. I accepted the fact several years back that marriage would never happen. It still hurts. I still feel twinge when I see a couple obviously in love, a stab in the heart when I see a guy with his little boy..... it hurts.
I'm against gay marriage, but a part of me wishes I could have a guy to love and would love me.
I'm really starting to wonder if being a Christian is possible for me. There is a part of me that longs for the kind of relationship with God that I see some have, but I fear my primary reason for being a Christian is the same one I have had all my life, and is part of the reason why its never worked: I don't want to go to hell.
Thing is, what else would I get out of being a Christian? I'd still be lonely. There is no place for a single guy my age in the church. I'd be sexually frustrated with no sexual release. I'd still have money problems, and I'd still not want to get old.
Really, all that is keeping me from being more involved in the gay lifestyle, is my parents. It isn't God, or any desire to do right, or even fear of getting AIDS.
Maybe that's why God seems so unreachable. He knows I mainly want to escape hell.
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