My story part 5, the friendship years and moving back

   I was reading the newsletter from the college I had attended, and there was a blurb about a chapel service they had recently had. A woman who had a gay son had come and spoken on the subject of homosexuality. I was surprised to find someone in my church circles who knew much about it, so I emailed her, and we started emailing back and forth. She had several young men who were gay, many of them trying to overcome. She gave me the link to one guy's blog and I contacted him, but never heard back.

   This lady was going to be speaking at a Christian college quite a ways from me, and was encouraging me to go. She and a few others were going to talk about the issue of homosexuality, including a guy who struggled with same-sex attractions. She gave me his blog address, and I contacted him, not expecting a reply after the attempt with the other guy. To my surprise, he replied and we started corresponding and eventually talking on the phone. We had a lot in common, including church backgrounds, and quickly became friends. We met for the first time on March 17, 2006. Within the next few months, I went to visit him, and he came to visit me.

  I think he was the one who first brought up the idea of my moving there. There was 400 miles away. I started praying about it, being in one of my rare serving God periods - and even now looking back, I feel it was something I was supposed to do. So against my parents wishes - and his - I moved there and Matthew and I shared an apartment. I still believe my parents were against it because they couldn't watch and control me 24/7.

  The two years I lived there were great. Not everything was perfect, and it took some adjusting to living with someone again, especially another guy that struggled with same-sex attractions, but there was far more good than bad. If you've never felt lonely and friendless, you can't understand what it was like for me. For the first time in my life, I had another guy to hang out with on a regular basis, and one who I knew wanted to hang out.

  "Matthew" and I became more like brothers and friends, and I had a lot of good times with him, his cousin, and another friend.

  I can honestly say my sexual struggles were at a minimum while I lived there. Oh, I still had them, but nothing like before or since. I think there were a couple of reasons:
1) I was fulfilling a need for male companionship and friendship
2) I was completely independent of my parents

  I got to missing my nieces and nephews a lot. I came home when I could, but it wasn't often enough. Plus, I got tired of  the cold cloud of disapproval from my parents. The final straw was when my mom went through depression. I probably unfairly blamed myself, and decided to move back. I had no job to go to, not enough money for a place of my own, so my parents said I could put most of my stuff in storage and live in their basement until I found something.

  That has been five years, and the last five years have been the pits. I have had trouble finding a full time job, I went through bankruptcy, I have gone back into the gay sex as much as before I moved away, and have been suffering from depression most of the time since I got back. I still haven't gotten to the place where I can afford my own place, and my views of God are more messed up than they have ever been.

  I am more lonely than I had ever been, and living with my parents has crushed my spirit and made me even more depressed.

  I've wondered many times if I should have moved back. I felt it was God's will to move away, but moving back...... that was my parents' will, and nothing has gone right in my life since I moved back. Will I ever move away again? I doubt it. I need space from my parents, but I pretty much fear them more than God. Even if I knew God wanted me to move somewhere, I don't think I could, for my parents would be against it.

  "Matthew" and I are still best friends, and even from a distance, he is a great help and encouragement, even if he doubts he is. Unfortunately, we only see each other once a year since moving back, and I often wish he was with me as I browse bookstores and sit in restaurants eating by myself.

  The future scares me. I do have a job now, after being out of work for several months, but it is part time and is a 45 minute drive. I also have to work every Sunday, which I don't like, and though I like the job, I find myself wondering if its the right one for me. I so desperately need my own place and more privacy, but that doesn't seem possible any time soon.

  Spiritually, I am doing nothing. I do pray every day, basically a prayer that God will help me find Him, that I'd get the right views of Him, and that He won't give up on me.

  I am thankful God has given me some people who want to help. Unfortunately, most of them aren't close, but they are a help and encouragement regardless.

 I long for what I feel I never have had: a relationship with God. I have served Him out of fear, out of the desire to make my family happy, and out of  the desire to do right, but never because I loved Him and felt He loved me. I want that, but it seems as elusive as hunting for the fountain of  youth. I hope someday to truly find Him.