It has been a while since I have felt a strong desire to serve God, and wondered if I'd ever get to where I need to be with Him, but things have been different lately.
I have been praying a lot lately that God would draw me to Him and put a desire in me to serve Him, and to help me truly believe that He loves me.......and its happening.
Not to diminish God's role at all, though I believe He can use a lot of things, but a couple of books I have read lately have really helped me with my warped views of God. I talked about one of the books in a recent post: The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett....and since then I have read the non-fiction book that book is based on, The Ragamuffin Gospel. That book has been around since 1990, and wow.....it was a book I should have read long ago, but maybe I read it when I most needed it. Not to downplay the Bible, but Manning really opened up God's love and grace to me in a whole new way. I still haven't "arrived", but the book has helped me immensely. I highly recommend it.
It also seems I am losing interest in sex and some other things to do with the gay scene. I have hardly been on my gay hook up apps lately on my cell, or the sites online, and I used to be on them daily as much as I could....... I did try to hook up half heartedly a couple of times lately, and was actually relieved when nothing came of it. There are a couple of sites I use for other purposes than hooking up, and have hardly accessed them lately. Unfortunately, the urge for porn and masturbation haven't eased up, but when I do it, I feel like I am letting God down, and feel awkward praying afterwards, even though I don't feel I am a Christian at this time.
I do have a stronger desire to be a Christian, and most of the time I find myself thinking like one. Its weird, but I guess good, as it seems I am closer to being where I need to be than I have been in the past.
On another subject, I am more convinced than ever that there are more people who know about my struggles than I know of....... I met with a friend of mine for lunch today, first time we have done that, though we have visited in groups. He has some stuff going on and I was hoping I could encourage him. During the course of the conversation, I felt sharing my struggle might help with a point I was trying to make - though my struggles have nothing to do with what he is experiencing - I asked him if he had ever heard rumors about me, and he said he had, but he doesn't believe everything he hears. I told him that was, and then went on to make my point, though I did discuss my struggles a bit more later, but he is the second guy from church who I recently found out had heard it...... on one hand, that is kind of scary, knowing there are people who know, that I have no clue about knowing..... on the other hand, if I ever do decide to "out myself", there may not be as many people surprised as I had thought. Most of the time, I don't care. I'm not about to make an announcement, but if people know, so what....... people are going to like and accept me if they truly like me, and if not.... I don't need them.
It is encouraging that it doesn't seem to bother either of these guys. The first guy who I found out a few months ago knew, still jokes around a lot with me, and messages me on Facebook, but then he knew about me being gay before we ever met........ and the second guy messaged me a few times after we met to eat and acted the same. Honestly, if God could use me because of where I have been, I say let it come out and let the chips fall where they may.
If you're reading this blog post, I ask that you would pray for me. Most days, I feel I am close to taking that step I need to take, but I know its going to be hard to quit the things I need to quit, and I know the devil isn't going to let go easily.... so please pray God keeps drawing me closer.
The depression hasn't been as bad lately, but with Thanksgiving approaching, I have been trying to be more thankful for what I have instead of focusing on what is wrong. And if you do pray.... thank-you for that. God bless.
3 comments:
Brother, I am greatly encouraged by your post and thrilled over how God is working in you. Praying for you, for sure! And I have had the same experience with people knowing about my SSA before I told them (or at least suspecting it). I also feel it's no big deal. I just want God glorified as He gives me opportunities to share about how He has worked through it. Praise Him!
Hey bud. I write the Unicorns and Aliens blog. I love this post of yours. It's open, honest and vulnerable. Be encouraged that Jesus has not washed his hands of you and that God doesn't spend his days thinking "What is Luke going to screw up today?" The word says that his mercies are new every day. Sin takes it's toll on us. God loves and renews us daily. Certainly we must strive to rid our lives of harmful things, but God is patient, loving and helpful if we would simply ask.
Google cut me off. I had one more thing to say. In relation to feeling awkward going to God after you fall to Porn and Mast. Here are my thoughts. Don't let old "Red legs" (satan) get you twice. He tempts you to go look at Porn and Mast, but then he makes you feel accused and awkward after. In those moments CHOOSE to run to God. Better to be awkward in daddy's arms than spiritually tortured by the enemy away from God. It's always preferable to run to God before we sin, but if you can't, make a commitment to run to him after. I was studying a complex of scriptures on this very topic this morning. Galatians 5:16, Romans 13:12-14 and Philippians 4:8. I encourage you to read them and see how they intertwine and complement one another. Thanks again for this very poignant blog. Matthew
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