I started to come out of my shell in college. It wasn't a big college, running maybe 80-90 students at the time. I felt somewhat accepted, though didn't have any close friends. I got picked on some, and it got so bad at one point that an off campus student who would visit in the dorm, reported it to the college president who put a stop to it.
I bought my first porn magazine while on a Bible College campus. Playboy. It did nothing for me, and I thought the pictures were gross, but didn't know why.
I had never dated, but it was the thing to do. I liked a girl, and we dated for about a year. I never kissed her or anything else physical, though that was discouraged on a campus such as I was on, but it never occurred to me what I should be feeling.... I was still clueless about sex. After a year, she was driving me crazy, so I broke up with her.
I won't make a long story out of it, but my other girlfriend basically asked me out. We were pretty friendly and she sent me a letter beating around the bush. Sort of a "I think you feel this way, and if you do, I might, etc." We dated about a year or so, and again, nothing physical. Looking back, they both were like good buddies.
While I was dating her, something happened that turned my world upside down. By this time I was looking at guys a lot, but still clueless about what was going on. In my junior year, for a class I was taking, we had to write a paper on some major issue like abortion. I decided to do mine on the occult, but my idea was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get involved in the occult by studying about it, and she didn't want that to happen to me. I thought a few seconds, and to this day I am not sure where it came from, but asked if I could do it on homosexuality. She said yes, and said she knew that wasn't something she'd worry about me getting into. How wrong she was.
I found some books on the subject of homosexuality and began reading and studying. It was like a light was turned on. I realized with horror that these books described me. I was a homosexual. I started reading for a different reason: to understand what was going on with me. It was hard to deal with.
I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year, to her shock. I think she was thinking marriage already. I feel bad when I think about it, but it was far better than marrying her.
Somewhere around that time, I was in a bookstore and discovered the fully illustrated book "The Joy of Gay Sex". I bought it and hid it in my dorm room and used it during my masturbating times. I found a couple of other books that had sex between two males described and eagerly devoured whatever I could get my hands on.
Three months later, I was home for the weekend from college. I was browsing in a bookstore that was common at that time, The Book Nook. I walked down one aisle and was surprised to see they had porn magazines for sale. Out of curiosity, I started glancing through them, and to my complete shock, I found gay ones. I was so clueless, I had no idea they made gay pornography. The magazines were not hardcore, and I found a few that had erotic stories in them along with pictures of naked guys. I paid with them with what felt like a flaming face.
I exited the store, and was approached by a guy close my age who asked if I wanted a blow job. He would watch for guys who bought gay porn and approach them for sex. I said yes, and we got in his car and drove to a deserted location and I received and gave my first oral sex. I went home feeling dirty and immediately took a bath.
That wasn't the last time that happened. Two other times I purchased gay porn at that store and it ended with oral sex in a car.
I started living my double life. A guy in Bible college, hiding gay porn in my room, and having sex with guys when I could.
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