Today was one of my days off, and I am a fast reader who likes to read, so reading two books in one day might sound like a lot to some people, but I have read more in one day than that before. Both were fiction, and both of them have affected me a lot and caused a lot of introspection and even a bit of turmoil, at least with the one book.
First up: Unforeseeable by Nancy Mehl. I don't typically read Amish or Mennonite fiction, but this is a suspense series, and I actually have enjoyed it. I won this, the third and last book in the trilogy, and finally read it today.
The Mennonites in the book are very strict ones. Most of them don't have cars or electric, but some of them do. Most of them are pretty close to being Amish.
What got me was one of the main characters, a young woman, was starting to question some of the church's teachings, such as the prayer cap, what she could wear, etc. Though she was a fictional character, her struggles/questioning echoed my own. Like her, I have been told what to believe. Like her, my church is very strict and conservative. No, we are not as strict as the people in the book, but we are strict. I have started questioning some things, but I'm at a loss anymore what to believe and what not to believe. I feel there is a danger of throwing off too much of what you have been taught, but there is also a danger of just marching on doing what you have been taught to believe, and never finding out on your own what God expects out of you.
But truth be told, I fear my parents too much to do anything about it. I started doing something several years back, I don't want to say what it is, as it is extreme....... but for the sake of making it easier to tell, I'll make something up. Most guys at my church wear ties, there is nothing taught about them, but I'll say there is for my story. About 20 years ago, I decided the Bible said nothing about ties, prayed about it, and felt clear to wear them. My parents gave me a hard time about it. To this day, I can be around my mom wearing a tie, and she will be commenting about seeing someone from church and they had a tie on....... and like I said, its not ties. I hate wearing them :-)
But given my parents' reactions with my breaking one of the church's rules that is so minor, I'm too afraid to do more. I don't want to leave my church, for I have started to sort through some things, and it would be hard to find a church that I agreed enough with to be comfortable with. I feel my church is too strict, and may border on being legalistic, but there are enough things I still believe that most churches would be too liberal for me, not to mention most have music styles I am uncomfortable with when in church.
But to come back to my point...... even at my age, mid-40's, I am not allowed to decide what is right for me - and I mean God giving me what is right, if I ever get to the place where I have that relationship with Him. I'm doing what my church and parents taught me. And I'm stuck. Thus the turmoil.
When one feels they are such a disappointment to their parents as I do, I don't want to do more to disappoint them, such as changing things I do or do not do that I have been taught.
The other book didn't cause me turmoil, but did stir me a lot. In fact, I cried a lot while I read it: The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett. I have never read anything by Manning, who just died this past April, but after reading this fiction book, I am thinking that maybe I need to read more, especially The Ragamuffin Gospel.
This book is supposed to be a modern version of the prodigal son story from the Bible. The main character, Jack Chisholm, is a popular and successful "celebrity" pastor of a 10,000 member church. He gets drunk and has sex with his secretary and becomes front page news. His wife takes their daughter and goes into hiding. His church kicks him out. He ends up being rescued and taken home by his father, who he has ignored for ten years.
I don't want to tell a lot of the story, but Jack realizes how wrong he has been all of his life. Like me, he has had a performance based religion, always trying to "be better" to please God. At one point in the story, he has got some really bad news, and is bemoaning the fact that God is still punishing him. A priest that has been hanging out with him points out that God isn't like that, and expounds more on that point - but that is exactly how I have felt in the past all too often. Things don't go right, and I think its God getting even with me for messing up.
Although the book is fictional, it had a great message of God's love that I needed.
But here is the problem: it probably won't do any good. The book moved me, had a great message about God always loving us, never giving up on us, etc...... but tomorrow, I'll be back to doubting again. It has happened before. I have read books that made me cry, books that had a great message about God loving me, but it never sticks. And I don't know how to make it stick.
I'll probably tell my best friend about it on the phone later, and I know what he'll say. He has said it before when I talked about a book stirring me like this: "so what are you going to do to change?" or something similar to that.
Does it do me any good to read books like this, if I still don't get it? If I still doubt God cares about me and that there is any hope of my having a real relationship with Him? I'm not sure. I hope it does me good, and someday it will finally click and I'll get it.
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