I don't know that I have ever posted a blog post telling my story. I have mentioned a lot in different blog posts, but I don't think in its entirety. If I have, then this can be an updated one. This may get long, so I may do it in parts.
I am the oldest of three children, my two siblings both being girls. My parents had been Christians and backslid at some point. All I can remember was living in an unsaved home until I was close to twelve years of age.
Due to reasons I won't go into here, we were never very close to my mom's side of the family, and all of her siblings are her half brothers and sisters, so I was never around my cousins much on that side of the family. I was around my cousins on my dad's side a lot, and can remember being teased by my male cousins at an early age, but nothing too major. I was the youngest grandson, so that was probably why. There was enough of an age gap between most of my male cousins and I, that they never were playmates. The one closest to me in age, two years my senior, picked on me quite a bit, and became one of my biggest tormenters in high school.
The neighborhood we lived in until I was ten didn't have many kids. We didn't get along with the kids in the one family that had a boy my age. They were brats, but maybe we were too. I played with my sisters and some neighborhood girls.
At school, I got along with the boys OK during elementary, playing cowboys and Indians and playing on the playground equipment. I'll never forget one year, and I am not sure how old I was, but I am thinking maybe 4th grade, it was like a switch was flipped and all of the other boys wanted to play sports. I remember feeling lost...... I had no interest, and wanted to keep playing what we had always played.
My dad did try to get me interested in sports and played ball with me some at home, throwing the ball to me and hitting balls with a bat, but I usually had to be prodded, it wasn't something I enjoyed that much.
I went fishing some with my dad, and enjoyed it, but I was never close to him. If we went somewhere in two vehicles as a family, I would always want to ride with my mom. I was around the age of 8 when my mom came in my room at bedtime and said my dad felt I was too old for him to hug and/or kiss anymore. I didn't understand it - still don't to this day, as he never stopped with my sisters.
Even though my parents were not serving God, due to my grandma's insistence, my parents had had me in a Christian school since Kindergarten, the same school my sisters and I would attend K-12 and graduate from.
In 5th grade, I met my first bully. He was a new student and decided I was fun to pick on. I got it quite a bit from him, and from some other kids by the time 6th grade came, but nothing too major. I was already feeling distanced from other boys, and would hang out by myself or with the girls.
When I was in 6th grade, 2 things happened back to back that woke my parents up, and they got back to God. Suddenly, instead of just going to Sunday School a couple of times a month, we were going every Sunday, staying for the sermon, and going back Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening, and revivals, and camp meetings......
Then 7th grade came. Again, it was like a switch was flipped. I came back to school from summer vacation to find out that all the other kids in my grade evidently had been told the facts of life, and they seemed to take delight in telling me and making a mockery of it. They thought it was hilarious that I was still clueless, that my parents hadn't told me (and never did). They took delight in telling me all kinds of things about sex, and that was where I got my sex education.
7th grade is also where the bullying picked up and intensified. Other boys would take my lunch, or things from it and play keep away. I'd get pushed into snow drifts, made fun of. 7th through 12 had to have gym class, and since it was a small private school, I had to do whatever the rest of the boys wanted, which was sports. I was horrible at sports, and wasn't interested, and I think that intensified the bullying. I was the kid picked last, and they usually weren't shy about grumbling in front of me when they got stuck with me.
Football was the worst. I didn't understand it - still don't - and was forced to play it. I am just thankful we didn't have showers...... that would have made my life even more miserable.
I still hung out with the girls. I remember my parents coming home from a parent teacher conference when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and giving me a hard time because the teacher expressed concern about me hanging out with the girls instead of the boys. I was ordered to change that, but I didn't. The boys bullied me. I didn't want to be around them.
Then 9th grade came along, and some things happened that looking back, most likely really set the stage for the same-sex attractions that would hound me to this day.
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