Do I want to change? Part 2

I did a blog post a few days ago that a couple of my friends have taken me to task for, Do I want to change?  Partly in response to them, and to anyone else who may read it, I thought I'd try to clarify things a bit.

I definitely want to be a Christian, but not the Christian I have been in the past. I have read enough books, heard enough people speak, have talked to enough people, to know there is a better experience than I have had, an actual relationship with God.

To be blunt, I enjoy sex, porn, getting off sexually. I won't get graphic to the whys and what's I like about it, as I have always tried to be careful what I say, but I like it. I will say it gives me a connection I don't get anywhere else, and it isn't all about sex.

I've blogged a lot about my struggle to believe God loves me. There have been times I thought I did, but then something would happen to take me back to square one. I also never feel I have loved God. I have served Him out of duty and fear. I don't think its been totally about escaping hell, though that is a big part of it. I have always had the desire to do right, and to live a life pleasing to God..... I just never have managed to do it for very long.

My Christian experience has been shallow and pathetic. To be honest, I never have enjoyed reading the Bible much - parts of it, but to read it daily as part of what a Christian is supposed to do..... it has been a duty, something to check off my list, and all too often a drudgery. The same with prayer. I never could imagine God cared to hear what I had to say, so I'd pray just to stay in His good graces.

I have wondered at times if I ever truly have been a Christian, but there have been times when I felt a sense of peace, though it has never lasted long. There have been times that I spoke in church, or posted a blog when I knew God had helped me, I could never have said what I did on my own...... is it possible to be a Christian and not really have what you'd call a relationship with God? I don't know, but I do believe I have been a Christian, just not a very good one.

Where I'm going with this, is why I'm not sure I want to change. In the past, there have been countless times when I threw out porn and other things that were wrong, set up internet porn blockers, cut off contact with guys I had been with sexually, then settled into my shallow Christian experience of fear. I never got much out of the change, and missed the fun I had before, which is one reason I would give up and go back to the sex and porn again.

So do I want to change? Quit the sex and porn? Not if it is just exchanging one prison for another, which is pretty much what I have done in the past. If it means a real relationship with God and not feeling like I am the most miserable excuse for a Christian that has ever been..... definitely, but the idea of my having the kind of relationship with God....... its like my wishing I'd win a million dollars. It hardly seems possible to me.

If I tried to change right now, it wouldn't last. This may sound like a selfish statement, but I don't mean it to be: if I am going to change, quit the sex, porn, etc, I need something better than what I have had in the past....... and I don't know how to get there.

I haven't chucked God and the desire to be normal out the window. I do feel hopeless most days, and yes, there are some days when I'm not sure I want to try. Days when I wish I could walk away from the church and Christianity and really live the gay lifestyle...... but there are days when I really want to end it all, and I'm definitely not doing that.

In the past, when I tried to change and serve God, it was like I stopped eating food that was bad for me, and switched to no food at all.... maybe that's a bad comparison, but it hopefully gives an idea of what I am trying to say.