There's a guy from my church who I have known for several years. I was never what I'd call friends with him. We'd run shoulders at church and school functions, but nothing more. He added me as a friend on Facebook several months back and we have become closer friends than we were. We both have what you'd call goofy personalities, so we joke around a lot. He has also become pretty good friends with my sister and brother-in-law who go to my church, and with my parents.
I was surprised when my mom pulled me aside a couple of weeks ago and said I couldn't tell what she was going to tell me. Since this is an anonymous blog, I will give generalities here and not worry about it getting out: his wife is really mean to him. I don't think physical, but verbally. It has been going on for 10 years. Our pastor told him he needs to tell some of his friends and get it off of his chest, and so he has. Divorce is most likely not an option. I feel badly for him. It seems people are rallying around him. He met my parents and my sister for lunch at least once. I jokingly invited him to our place last week for a dessert my mom made, and he expressed enough interest that I told him to come, so he did.
He has given me a hard time in fun when I go out to eat, asking me why he wasn't invited, and my best friend said maybe he is serious. So I tried today to meet him for lunch, but he wasn't around, but thanked me and said another time. Even as messed up as I am, I want to somehow encourage him a bit if I can.
It has got me to thinking though. My best friend, who struggles with SSA, has expressed frustration to me before about people in his church not doing more to help him. Unlike me, he has been open enough with his struggle that everyone knows. I am at the point that I don't really care who knows, but I'm not going to announce it to the world either. There are a lot of people who know. My family, of course, who unfortunately found out about 17 years ago, I had a co-worker out me to everyone at work at a previous job, and I have told quite a few people. In addition, thanks to a jerk who was a moderator on a church site - long story - I have no idea who may know. I know he told people, but have no idea how many. I just recently found out a friend of mine from church knows, and that he has known for a while, and can't remember how he found out...... which worries me a bit. But on the other hand, I sometimes don't care who knows. The longer I have gone dealing with it, the more inclined I am to admit it to people.
I've lost track of how many people know who I am aware of knowing. In my church alone, there has to be 20-25. My Sunday School teacher knows and tries to meet with me when he can, which is usually once in the summer, since he is so busy - and he is busy. A lady from my church who is like a mother to half the church knows, and she will email me occasionally. My pastor will meet with me usually once a year.
Is it wrong to expect more? Before I moved out of the area, my pastor was more proactive in helping me. There as a period where he met with me weekly in his study. He would check up on me regularly, and another guy from church also would. Since I moved back, I never hear from the other guy, and my pastor meets with me once a year, and never asks me how I'm doing........ is it wrong of me to feel hurt and disappointed? Yes, I could call him, and he'd meet, but I'm not the type to ask for help, and since I'm not even trying to do right at this point, why bother him just to talk. And I like my pastor, a lot. I have known him since I was a junior in Bible College, which is about 23 years now, so he knows me pretty well. And to be honest, I'm not sure what I expect. I don't expect weekly meetings like he did at one time, but is it wrong to wish for more than one meeting at McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts once a year? His wife did send me a few messages on Facebook when I was jobless saying that they were praying for me, but I think she was meaning more the job.
We sing the song "The Family of God" at church pretty often....... but if its a family, why do I feel I don't belong, why does it seem no one cares about my problem, which is a big problem, that knows about it?
Sometimes I wish I hadn't moved back. Nothing has worked out the way I wanted. I'm still living in my parents' basement since I'm not making enough money yet to have my own place, and to be honest, as badly as I want my own place, I am terrified that I will fail and not be able to pay all my bills and get in debt again. I hate being so dependent on my parents, but I'm scared what would happen to me if they were suddenly out of the picture. Could I make it on my own, or would I end up in some kind of homeless shelter? And I'm not joking - I worry about it. No one, not even my best friend, really gets what a mess I am inside. Spiritually, emotionally...... I think he thinks I am joking when I worry about ending up living in a box on the street some day. I'm not. All I see when I look at myself, is failure. Yes, my depression has gotten worse in the last few months - and I think I know why - but I just can't see me ever really making it. Having a decent enough place of my own to fit me and all my stuff in it. I'm scared.
And the reason I think I am more depressed: There are two: Winter is setting in, and I am always worse in the winter, and tied to that, I had so hoped to have been in my own place again before winter set in........ and I'm not.
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