All week, I have struggled, wondering if I am really a Christian. If it really "took". I have been discouraged about work, church, life in general. It seems good so rarely triumphs anymore, am I naïve to think I can triumph? All that kept me from porn the last few days was the accountability software that I installed, and to be honest I am wondering if I should just uninstall it and quit trying.
I feel like such a failure. Does God fix that? He will forgive sins, but if someone is a total failure, does He make them not a failure?
I'm not sure I can do this thing called life, even with God in my heart. I've actually prayed a few times and told God it would be better off if He just took me while I have Him in my heart. Not sure I can march through the lonely days, months, and years ahead, unless there are some drastic changes..... and it would take more miracles than He would be willing to do for me to bring those changes about.
Maybe it is mostly the depression talking. I don't know. I also don't know what to do about it. I tried meds. I saw a doctor. She wanted to know what might be causing my depression, so among other things, I mentioned the gay issues. She was a Christian, supposedly, and more than once tried to encourage me to go for it, that God was OK with it. She kept trying different pills on me, but nothing would work very long. After being prescribed one that was expensive that my mom used, I tried my mom's for a while...... and nothing. So I gave up on that. I even tried counseling, which was free due to my low income, but again.... the guy was pro-gay and thought I should just go with it. I did one session, and never went back.
It doesn't appear I will ever find support and accountability here. I read books where guys talk about all the friends who chip in and are there for them, the people who love them and give them accountability, and I find myself wishing for that...... but I doubt I'll ever have it. I am still the same kid who was picked last for games, the kid no one wanted to be friends with. The guy who never had a job worth anything. The guy who is still unnoticed in a crowd, even when the crowd is my own family.
I still feel like I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I don't.
It just feels like everything has piled on this week. I'm even getting depressed about turning another year older, and that's a few months away.
I just wish life was easier, that something would go really good for me.
1 comment:
Count your blessings, man. It might just help. Remember that, a few months ago, you were unemployed. You're not anymore. I know it's not your dream job, and not the career position you feel like you should have at this age (same with me), but you're employed, and you're not flipping burgers (not that there's anything wrong with that, but be grateful that you're not...I've done it). You have a warm place to live, clothes to wear and food on the table, unlike some folks. I believe God is working in your life and, at some point, even better things are coming. But even if they never do, we aren't promised the luxury of all our desires being met. Just of our needs being met. And I believe God has done that for you, even though not exactly as you would choose. He knows what He's doing. To answer your question, yes, He can and does change people from what they think of as a failure. You're not a failure spiritually, and that's where it counts. Sure, you could do better in the world's eyes, but try to focus on how He looks at you, not how the sinful world does. In other words, who cares what they think? Don't fall into the trap of looking at yourself the way the world does. It's temporary and doesn't matter. Each day, thank Him for the blessings, especially the ones that are different from exactly how you would want them. You can do this, with His help. Lean on Him.
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