Last night, I disposed of what I had bought at the adult bookstore and went to bed, after praying and repenting.
This morning, I woke up and it was like I was immediately hit with a pile of negative stuff. It was bad. Worries about the future, feelings of failure, feeling like there is no sense in trying to get free..... you name it, it hit me like a pile of bricks. I felt suicidal for the first time in ages.
It was bad enough that I asked for prayer on a Facebook group that I am a member of that is geared for people breaking free from homosexuality/SSA. I had some people promise to pray, and it must have helped, for as the day went by, the negative crap dissipated. I did pray also, which helped some.
Other than the devil attacking me, I can't think of anything else it would be. I was a bit discouraged about my fall to porn, but was trying to not let it get me down too much, so I don't think it was that.
I got my car back, and it wasn't anything serious. It cost me $85, which is $85 I would rather not have spent that way, but I am thankful it wasn't something serious.
I am ending the day with a renewed, though slightly battered, determination to stick with God. I don't want to go back, and it is time I stopped quitting when things get tough. I don't want to make so much of the difficulty, and of the mountains in my way that I discourage myself out of trying, yet I need to be realistic that it isn't going to be easy. That the mountains ARE big, and I will most likely stumble and fall more in the future, though I don't want to plan on it.
There's a song by a group I like that has come to mind, and is one I need to keep in mind in the coming days and months. The chorus says:
The mountain will tell you
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince you
That it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps His promise
So you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
I don't want to oversimplify it, but it is time I quit making my problems and struggles bigger than God..... and I have done that. It may be easier said than done, but I am going to work on doing what the song says.
The mountain will tell you
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
The mountain will tell you
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
The mountain will tell you
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
The mountain will tell you
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
The mountain will tell you
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
The mountain will tell you
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
That you can’t make it over
It will try to convince that it’s way too high
Though you feel defeated
Know that God keeps his promise
SO you tell the mountain
Just how big your God is
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/tell-the-mountain-lyrics-the-collingsworth-family.html#A3TzitsEKcw8eR2X.99
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