Rough times

 

Had a few rough days lately, due to my own fault. I went 16 days without giving into porn, then down I went.

  What's crazy, is I planned ahead. It was almost like I was on auto pilot. I didn't want to do it, yet I did.

  Friday at work, it was about all I could think about. I even stopped at an adult bookstore on my way home, one I need to go out of my way to get to, and bought something there for when I was going to get off to porn.

   I immediately felt horrible afterwards, but did it again Saturday. Repented, did it again Sunday. Repented. Did it again Monday, then Tuesday. By then, I was wishing I could find a guy to hook up with, and wondering if there was any use in trying.

  Yesterday, my car developed some problems, brought on by the cold weather, and the old ideas that I have been trying to get away from crept back. That God was getting even with me for falling to porn by making something go wrong with my car. I think I have managed to shake that thinking off, as that's the kind of thinking that has had my views of God so messed up for most of my life.

 Part of me still feels like giving up, yet I have made more progress spiritually in the last few months than I have in years, and I keep reminding myself that a fall does not have to be permanent. I need to get back up and keep on walking.

  I ran across a blog a while back that has been a great encouragement to me, and his post today was really helpful, and it was also a reminder that others have stumbled that deal with these issues also. I look at Matthew, the guy who writes the blog, and wish I was more like him and envy him for where he is, yet he admits in that blog post that there were times he fell to porn...... and that has encouraged me to keep going. I can't give up.

  I am trying to look at my fall in a positive light. It has reminded me I need to pray more, depend on God more, and it has helped me to take advantage of God's grace. I don't mean that in a bad way. In the past, I would continually beat myself over the head, feel I had to beg and convince God to forgive me, etc. I am not making light of my fall, but simply told God I was sorry and asked Him to forgive me.

  I doubt anyone ever truly grasps the idea of God's grace while here on earth, but I am better understanding it and what it means. And for that, I am thankful.