The big L

The whole gay thing is a temptation and attraction to me for a variety of reasons, but I think the biggest reason is loneliness. I have probably give into porn and sex and gone back to it more out of that reason, than any other. And it will most likely be my biggest battle in overcoming porn and sex.

  I've been lonely for most of my life. I especially started feeling it in my teens. Maybe that's why I buried myself in books. Other guys hung out with boys their age. I hung out with books.

  Bible college helped a little. I got picked on some, but not as much as high school, and hung out some with other guys, but not many. I'd often feel lonely in a dorm full of guys, and it didn't help once I realized I was dealing with same-sex attractions.

  It got worse when I graduated from college. I had a few friends that were married couples who I'd hang out with some, but no guys that I did anything with. I even felt lonely at church. A part of me knows I need to reach out to people, but back then, I was still pretty shy. I'd stand around after church wishing someone would talk to me. It was very rare that anyone did...... and then I got a computer in 2000, got internet, and discovered gay chat rooms.

  I had already hooked up with a lot of guys for sex via adult bookstores and other means I found, but the gay chat rooms opened up a whole new world for me, and not just the sex. There were guys who wanted to chat. I quit hanging around after church, and would leave immediately to go home and get in the chat rooms. I became addicted to chat rooms. Not every chat session ended in meeting a guy for sex, but it often did.

  I have referred before to the cycles I'd go through. Try to serve God, only to give up and go back to the sex and porn, then get miserable and try God again. And loneliness was often the main factor.

  About the only time I wasn't constantly lonely, was when I moved away and shared an apartment with my best friend..... it was great. I wish it could happen again, but there are too many factors against it, and to be honest, two guys living together that have same-sex attractions would,  and probably did, look bad.

  I know we are supposed to take one day at a time, but I do find myself wondering about the future. Can I make it totally alone? Part of me believes if I threw myself completely into the gay lifestyle, it wouldn't be as much a factor, and maybe it wouldn't be. Not all of the sex was "slam bam, thank you ma'am". There were times the guy and I would talk and cuddle, and to be honest, that was about as enjoyable or more enjoyable than the sex. It was still a connection.

  There needs to be a way for me to get some kind of connection in a good and safe way, but I don't know how. It is rough being in your 40's..... there's not many single guys my age around, and according to my mom, all single guys - I assume she means of a certain age - are homos. Yeah, she said that. Made me feel really good.

  Maybe loneliness is just a cross I have to carry. My online contacts through Facebook help some, which is one reason I feel I shouldn't get rid of the internet. It is very easy for me to become isolated, too easy for me to become isolated. Even with Facebook, I can slip back into the sex and porn and no one knows, though since I have kept open and honest on here, I have a couple of friends who know.... but if I had no on line contact, I am afraid I'd just slip into total isolation. And that would not be good.

  I was home alone tonight for a few hours. It went OK, wasn't really tempted, but as I sat down to watch my free rental movie, I found myself wishing I had someone to watch it with, and did feel down a bit, but the movie helped pull me out of that, even though it wasn't a Christian movie....... maybe its the kid in me, but I love superhero movies, and that's what I watched.

  I don't know what the answer is. Maybe it is something I really need to pray about. It is true that we can be surrounded by people and still be lonely, but it would be nice if I had someone to hang out with occasionally, someone who could be a help and not a hindrance.

 A song that was recorded in 1990 or around then, was one I identified with a lot. Interestingly, the guy who wrote it and solos on it, is a guy who struggles with same-sex attractions.