Last year, my sister and her gang was invited to a party by other people from church. My other sister wasn't close enough to do anything with, so I stayed home with my parents. We played a few games, they went to bed early - around 10. I stayed up til midnight by myself.
This year, my nieces are sick and didn't want to go to a party, so after eating some New Year's Eve snacks and playing a couple of games with my parents, I, at my sister's suggestion and to the thrill of my nieces, went up to spend some time with them around 7 pm. I felt a bit guilty about leaving my parents here alone, yet I didn't want to be here that bad.
I enjoyed a few hours with my nieces, then headed home, getting here around 11:40. My parents had been in bed for a couple of hours, so the house was quiet. I just sat around for a bit til midnight, then decided a good idea to bring in the new year, would be by praying, so right at 12:00, I prayed about the new year and that I'd stay true to God in it, etc.
Still feeling a bit out of sorts, I got on Facebook, and saw comments from different people saying what they had done, where they had been invited, etc..... and got pretty depressed. The devil reminded me that if I just went totally into the gay lifestyle, that I'd get invited places on New Year's Eve and wouldn't be ignored for being single, and more of that kind of stuff.
I don't know if its all the devil, but it went further. I got to thinking of what life is going to be like. I'm lonely. Not just on New Year's Eve, though it seems worse at that time.
It would be nice if I could make some new friends. It does seem like I have been deserted here, and maybe that will just be part of what I have to deal with as I strive to overcome my sexual struggles and live as a single and celibate guy, but I wish it were easier.
It may not have been the best way to get out of my doldrums, but I found a movie that looked cool, Timeline, and started watching it. Due to its length, and the time I started watching it - after midnight - I fully intended to just watch part of it, but watched the whole thing, ending around 2:30 am. It was a good movie, though it was a bit sad because Paul Walker was the main character, and I kept thinking how sad it was that he was dead. Fortunately, and somewhat unusual for him, he remained fully clothed the whole movie, as he is one actor I have always found incredibly attractive, especially shirtless.
By the time the movie ended, I was too tired to be depressed, and went straight to bed.
I have now gone 2 weeks and a day without giving into porn or masturbation, but feel like I'm ready to crack. Ever feel like you were going to do something whether you wanted to or not? There is something I don't have in my possession, that if I had it, I'd be more prone to do porn and "m", and I am more tempted to buy this thing than to do porn, if that makes sense. The urge to buy it has been so strong, I am somewhat surprised I was able to make a trip to town yesterday and come back without it. Had the trip been after the New Year's Eve blues, I most likely would have given in.
I don't want to give in. It is a good feeling to have gone this long, and a great feeling to be starting out a new year "sober", as it has been used for sexual purity.
Maybe I need to go on vacation or something next New Year's Eve. Something needs to change.
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