Going it alone

In the 23 years that I have been active in gay porn and sex, and in trying to walk away from it, I have basically gone in alone. There were times my former pastor and current pastor tried to help and counsel, but to be honest, it wasn't extremely helpful. It was helpful to a degree, but neither knew beans about homosexuality, or how to counsel someone who was dealing with it. I don't know of either of them ever reading a book on homosexuality. Their approach was to counsel it like any other sin, and if you deal with SSA, you know it needs a different approach.

And I am thankful for the help they did give, but I needed more.

  Other than when I lived with my best friend, there really hasn't been any times in my life when I could sit down face to face and talk to someone who gets it, who knows enough about SSA and porn addictions to be of much help.

  For most of the last 23 years, no one knew when I would give up and go back to the sex and porn. I could be serving God one day, and give up the next day and be back at my sin, and no one knew. I had no accountability for most of those years, and when I did, it was sporadic. My pastor asking me occasionally by phone or in person how things were going.

  My best friend has been on a kick about me needing to get accountability, and since I don't know of anyone, no group, no person, he keeps accusing me of not being serious enough about serving God and getting away from the porn and sex. If I wasn't serious, I'd give up. I've felt like it this week. A lot.

  I believe if I am going to make it, I am going to have to go it alone. I have my best friend by phone, a friend I made through this blog who I keep in contact with by email, and a Facebook group for people dealing with SSA. But anyone here? I don't think that's going to happen, and besides..... isn't God supposed to be enough? Should we depend on people more than God?

  Yes, I'm lonely, but I have been most of my life. That's my life. I was lonely as a kid, I've been lonely for most of my adult life, and I'll be lonely when I am old. I may as well accept that. I have to go life alone, and I'm going to have to go beating this struggle alone.

  I do believe there are reasons I gave up so easily in the past, which are areas I am doing better in now:
1) I didn't believe God loved me and was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out

2) When I did fall, I felt I had to get saved all over again and had to beg and convince God to take me back, and when He did, I felt He was holding my fall against me

3) Linked with #2, I never got the idea of grace. That it really was for me and covered my sins completely. I didn't have to do more to make God take me back

  I'll admit I don't have it all together yet, but I do believe God loves me and He totally forgives easily and without hesitation. I don't totally get His love, but maybe no one will on this earth. And by get, I mean understand, totally comprehend how much He loves me.

  There have been a few times since I got back to God last month, that I have fallen to porn. And I have felt like giving up. I have felt it this week, after falling this past week-end. Its been a bad week so far.

 But when I have fallen, I have managed to not beat myself up too bad, or not as badly as I did before, and there hasn't been the feeling that I had to beg God to forgive me. If I have to go it alone, things will be different this time. I get it that God loves me, and as I said, if I do fall, I don't have to give up because I dread the thoughts of a long drawn out affair of begging God to forgive me. That has been a major factor in my just giving up before. Not the only factor, but a major one.

  I tried Celebrate Recovery a while back. I liked it, but decided it just wasn't for me. The main part is cool where everyone is in the main sanctuary, but I was majorly disappointed in the small group. I went to the one for sexual addictions and sat around a table with 3 other guys. All three guys were leaders of the group and they took turns. I was the only one not a leader. They were all straight. I was the only one dealing with SSA.

  They introduced themselves to me and I gave a brief introduction. Then the one taking his turn at leading read some kind of statement. All 3 gave a short statement about of how they did that week, as did I, someone prayed, and that was it. I don't think it even took ten minutes. I felt weird, out of place, and found it way too casual and brief to be of any help to me, so I didn't go back, and doubt I will.


  I have been more depressed this week than the other times I fell. My mind has been on the other stuff in my life. My need to get my own place, but the fear it will never happen. My best friend, who has been in full lecture mode the last couple of days, says I don't trust God when I say what a failure I am. I disagree. No one - not even him - gets how much of a failure I am. I believe God loves me, but I don't believe my being a Christian cancels out my being a failure. I have no confidence in my ability to support myself, and as much as I detest being so dependent on my parents and wish I could break free of their hold, I am scared when they are no longer around that I will end up on the streets, not being able to make it on my own.

    God forgives, but He doesn't magically make you good at stuff and successful. It sounds morbid, but I have been thinking this week it would be better off if God just took me. I am scared of the future. My dreams are shattered. All I can see is a lonely life working jobs that don't pay enough for me to get by, and being totally alone as I get older. Heaven sounds better. A lot better.

  And as long as I don't fail at serving God, I guess that's what matters. That is something I have failed at all my life, and if I can quit failing at that, that is what God is concerned about.

  I may have to go it alone, but I feel I truly have God this time, and I have some support, just none here.

  And on a brighter note, my pastor wants to get together this week, today or tomorrow. I am hoping I can open up some to him and he will at least check up on me more often.