I was driving somewhere the other day and had a weird thought come to me, or maybe just a weird way of looking at something. If I wasn't in the church and didn't know much about being a Christian, and some other guy had my Christian experience and all that goes with it, would I want what I saw in him? The answer would be a resounding "no!" Here is what I'd see in that guy:
A lack of peace
Doubts of God's love
A guy who finds reading the Bible a chore
A guy who finds praying a chore, and doubts any of his prayers will get answered
A guy whose religion seems to revolve around rules
A lot of confusion
Loneliness
A feeling of not belonging at church
A feeling of not belonging anywhere
A guy who leads a double life
A lack of trust in the God he tries to serve
Someone who has a very distorted view of God
Someone who feels very few people care about his problems and issues
Someone who serves God mostly out of fear and to please family
A person who when he is in victory, lives like God is just waiting for an excuse to kick him out
If I thought more, I could probably add to that list, but it covers my Christian experience and church experience pretty well. If I was new to the church and Christianity, and that is what I saw in the average Christian, there is no way I'd want anything to do with being a Christian.
I took that thought further. Is it no wonder I can't stay on my feet spiritually? Is it any wonder I give up so easily and go back to the sex and porn? Homosexuality is a very difficult thing to deal with. Unless you have been there, you cannot relate. It is hell.... but as I look at my Christian experience, I have to wonder if it is my biggest issue. Yes, its hard to not lust after other guys. Yes, its hard not to give into porn and sex, especially after long periods of doing those things. Yes, its lonely being gay and trying to live for God...... very lonely. But...... if those things in that list were flipped around, would I fall as easily? Would the gay crap pull me down without much of a fight? If I truly believed God loved me, if I truly had peace and trusted God, if I served Him out of love instead of fear and duty........I'm no theologian, and no expert in anything, but I think I'm correct.
The sad things is, I don't want my own Christian experience. I don't, yet every time I repent, I try to live the experience I described above, only to weary of it, and with the pull of sinful fun, I cave oh so easily.
And here is the rub: How do I throw all of that out? It seems God lets me down time after time. I know.... God never fails us, but how do you cope when your faith is so weak and it seems like He is failing?
I don't mean to diminish the gay struggle. Even if I got all that stuff out of the way, it would still be a major struggle to live the way I should, but in thinking it out, I do believe it would be easier to say no. Easier to not give into temptation. It is a nice scenario, but not sure if I can ever get there.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Gay people don't go to hell for being gay, post by Matt Moore
another great post by Matt Moore, pasting it here, the original post is here.
The title probably caught you off guard. It completely contradicts what many of us have been led to believe. I know that growing up, I always thought that the Bible said that gay people go to hell for being gay. It didn’t seem fair to me… because experiencing attraction toward the same gender myself, I knew that it wasn’t a choice. And I didn’t understand why something that wasn’t a choice was grounds for me to be punished endlessly in Hell. I believe this is why a lot of gay people dismiss Christianity from the get-go…. because it just doesn’t seem logical to them that a loving God would condemn them for feelings they couldn’t control.
If you’re gay, and reading this, I want you to know that God will not sentence you to an eternity of anguish because you have gay feelings. The Bible does not support that concept and I apologize to you if you’ve heard differently. Many people tend to just parrot things that they’ve heard from the generation preceding them, without any real evidence from Scripture to support such claims.
But…. to the defense of many well-meaning Christians, there is a reason that people say “gay people go to hell for being gay.” Most of the time, when they say or think of the word “gay”, they don’t mean someone who just experiences same sex attraction. What they mean is someone who pursues and acts out on their same sex attractions. That is how they define “gay”. Which brings me to my next point…..
God will not condemn gay people for having gay feelings…God will condemn gay people for rejecting His Lordship, and making themselves the lord and god of their own life…. just like He will condemn straight people for rejecting His Lordship and making themselves lord and god of their own life. Homosexual feelings are a result of how sin (noun form) has broken our world, bodies, hearts and minds. We aren’t what we should be, because of the presence of sin in the world. This world, and each of us, do not operate how God intended [sinless] humanity to operate— and we do not operate how we should because of the transgression of Adam and Eve. Unfortunately, we have inherited the fallenness/brokenness/curse that they earned themselves after they disobeyed God. We bear the mark of their transgression, whether we like it or not. We all (gay, straight, whatever) deal with the consequences of our first parent’s actions. But the effect of their sin is not what God condemns us for… it’s our own willful rebellion against Him that He condemns us for. Rather than coming to Him with our weaknesses and struggles to ask for mercy and help, we go our own ways…. telling ourselves, even if subconsciously, that we belong to ourselves and no one—not even God—will tell us what to do. The sin of all sins, which God will not forgive and ultimately condemns in Hell, is the rejection of His Lordship.
So if you accept God’s Lordship, and come to Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, you are eternally clean, forgiven, loved…. and there is no condemnation for you. You will not be condemned for having sinful feelings or for even doing sinful things if you trust in the work of Jesus Christ on the Cross as payment for your sinful debt owed to God.
Now…. that all sounds great. And no one would hate me for posting this blog if I ended it right there. But that’s not the whole gospel.
Anyone, gay or straight, will be saved if they have a saving relationship with Christ. But— where many stop short in the proclamation of this good news is right before telling the good news of the radical effects that a saving relationship with Jesus Christ has on a person’s life. When you enter into a right standing relationship with God, it’s because God has brought you into a right standing relationship with Him by sending His Spirit to draw you to Him. And not only has the Spirit brought one to Christ, and revealed His beauty to them so that they trust in Him for salvation, but the Spirit remains in the saved person and begins a transformative process in the person’s heart called sanctification. From that point forward… the person is not their own, but is literally the purchased property of Jesus Christ….whom He purchased with His own Blood. The Spirit transforms the persons life— day by day, making them more and more into the likeness of their Lord…. and ridding them more and more of the corruption that the presence of sin has caused in their hearts. No, they will never become perfect, sinless and without fault… not until Jesus returns and they receive their new bodies. But they will be different.
They will be new.
The Bible lays out for us plainly what is sinful… and homosexuality is included under that category. Homosexual behavior is sin. It is outside of God’s design for how He created the world to function and is clearly forbidden multiple times in Scripture (you may say you don’t believe the Bible is without fault.. I’ll get to that in a minute). The Blood of Jesus not only cleanses us from sin, but also frees us from the dominion of sin… this includes the dominion of homosexuality. Now I’m not saying in anyway that the gay feelings disappear… one will most likely still have the feelings and struggle (such as I do), but the Holy Spirit helps them in their weakness and enables them to turn away from the sinful enticement and to choose to follow Christ… moment by moment, day by day. Repentance from sin is a lifelong embarkment, going hand in hand with genuine/saving faith.
Now, one might say that they believe in Jesus, but they don’t believe homosexuality is sinful. By their own admission, they don’t believe the Bible…. and if you don’t believe the Bible to be God’s revealed truth (in totality), neither can you have the Jesus of the Bible for salvation. The only Jesus that offers salvation is the Jesus of the Scriptures…. the one who came for sinners, died for their sin, and freed them from the power of sin (to fulfill the Scriptures, like He says multiple times in His time on earth. Jesus witnessed to the authority of the Bible more than anyone else). He commands His redeemed people to walk in a manner after Him… turning away from sin. Any other version of Jesus is fraudulent.
As someone who strives to surrender my sexuality under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, I assure you, it is a sacrifice. But it’s a small sacrifice, in light of what I receive from Christ in exchange—-wholeness, peace, gladness, identity, hope, courage….and the list goes on. That may sound cliche to you— it used to sound cliche to me too— until I experienced the reality of it. Jesus completes every aspect of who I am in ways that my preferred sexual pleasure or a homosexual relationship ever could. Jesus completes me in ways nothing else and no one else could. And there are multitudes out there who would (and do) say the same.
The title probably caught you off guard. It completely contradicts what many of us have been led to believe. I know that growing up, I always thought that the Bible said that gay people go to hell for being gay. It didn’t seem fair to me… because experiencing attraction toward the same gender myself, I knew that it wasn’t a choice. And I didn’t understand why something that wasn’t a choice was grounds for me to be punished endlessly in Hell. I believe this is why a lot of gay people dismiss Christianity from the get-go…. because it just doesn’t seem logical to them that a loving God would condemn them for feelings they couldn’t control.
If you’re gay, and reading this, I want you to know that God will not sentence you to an eternity of anguish because you have gay feelings. The Bible does not support that concept and I apologize to you if you’ve heard differently. Many people tend to just parrot things that they’ve heard from the generation preceding them, without any real evidence from Scripture to support such claims.
But…. to the defense of many well-meaning Christians, there is a reason that people say “gay people go to hell for being gay.” Most of the time, when they say or think of the word “gay”, they don’t mean someone who just experiences same sex attraction. What they mean is someone who pursues and acts out on their same sex attractions. That is how they define “gay”. Which brings me to my next point…..
God will not condemn gay people for having gay feelings…God will condemn gay people for rejecting His Lordship, and making themselves the lord and god of their own life…. just like He will condemn straight people for rejecting His Lordship and making themselves lord and god of their own life. Homosexual feelings are a result of how sin (noun form) has broken our world, bodies, hearts and minds. We aren’t what we should be, because of the presence of sin in the world. This world, and each of us, do not operate how God intended [sinless] humanity to operate— and we do not operate how we should because of the transgression of Adam and Eve. Unfortunately, we have inherited the fallenness/brokenness/curse that they earned themselves after they disobeyed God. We bear the mark of their transgression, whether we like it or not. We all (gay, straight, whatever) deal with the consequences of our first parent’s actions. But the effect of their sin is not what God condemns us for… it’s our own willful rebellion against Him that He condemns us for. Rather than coming to Him with our weaknesses and struggles to ask for mercy and help, we go our own ways…. telling ourselves, even if subconsciously, that we belong to ourselves and no one—not even God—will tell us what to do. The sin of all sins, which God will not forgive and ultimately condemns in Hell, is the rejection of His Lordship.
So if you accept God’s Lordship, and come to Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, you are eternally clean, forgiven, loved…. and there is no condemnation for you. You will not be condemned for having sinful feelings or for even doing sinful things if you trust in the work of Jesus Christ on the Cross as payment for your sinful debt owed to God.
Now…. that all sounds great. And no one would hate me for posting this blog if I ended it right there. But that’s not the whole gospel.
Anyone, gay or straight, will be saved if they have a saving relationship with Christ. But— where many stop short in the proclamation of this good news is right before telling the good news of the radical effects that a saving relationship with Jesus Christ has on a person’s life. When you enter into a right standing relationship with God, it’s because God has brought you into a right standing relationship with Him by sending His Spirit to draw you to Him. And not only has the Spirit brought one to Christ, and revealed His beauty to them so that they trust in Him for salvation, but the Spirit remains in the saved person and begins a transformative process in the person’s heart called sanctification. From that point forward… the person is not their own, but is literally the purchased property of Jesus Christ….whom He purchased with His own Blood. The Spirit transforms the persons life— day by day, making them more and more into the likeness of their Lord…. and ridding them more and more of the corruption that the presence of sin has caused in their hearts. No, they will never become perfect, sinless and without fault… not until Jesus returns and they receive their new bodies. But they will be different.
They will be new.
The Bible lays out for us plainly what is sinful… and homosexuality is included under that category. Homosexual behavior is sin. It is outside of God’s design for how He created the world to function and is clearly forbidden multiple times in Scripture (you may say you don’t believe the Bible is without fault.. I’ll get to that in a minute). The Blood of Jesus not only cleanses us from sin, but also frees us from the dominion of sin… this includes the dominion of homosexuality. Now I’m not saying in anyway that the gay feelings disappear… one will most likely still have the feelings and struggle (such as I do), but the Holy Spirit helps them in their weakness and enables them to turn away from the sinful enticement and to choose to follow Christ… moment by moment, day by day. Repentance from sin is a lifelong embarkment, going hand in hand with genuine/saving faith.
Now, one might say that they believe in Jesus, but they don’t believe homosexuality is sinful. By their own admission, they don’t believe the Bible…. and if you don’t believe the Bible to be God’s revealed truth (in totality), neither can you have the Jesus of the Bible for salvation. The only Jesus that offers salvation is the Jesus of the Scriptures…. the one who came for sinners, died for their sin, and freed them from the power of sin (to fulfill the Scriptures, like He says multiple times in His time on earth. Jesus witnessed to the authority of the Bible more than anyone else). He commands His redeemed people to walk in a manner after Him… turning away from sin. Any other version of Jesus is fraudulent.
As someone who strives to surrender my sexuality under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, I assure you, it is a sacrifice. But it’s a small sacrifice, in light of what I receive from Christ in exchange—-wholeness, peace, gladness, identity, hope, courage….and the list goes on. That may sound cliche to you— it used to sound cliche to me too— until I experienced the reality of it. Jesus completes every aspect of who I am in ways that my preferred sexual pleasure or a homosexual relationship ever could. Jesus completes me in ways nothing else and no one else could. And there are multitudes out there who would (and do) say the same.
April thoughts
April is almost over. Next month, I turn a year older. I'm not dreading that as much as the anniversary I have coming up in June. June marks the 5-year anniversary of what I look at as my becoming a complete failure. The date I moved back to my home state and temporarily moved in with my parents....... 5 years of temporary, 5 years of life in limbo, 5 years of trying to find a full time job so I can get my own place again, 5 years of my stuff in storage, some of it slowly being destroyed by just being in a storage unit.
I've got a soundtrack playing in my mind. It plays over and over, and says the same things: you are a failure, you're not even a real man, a real man would have a decent job and and a family, a real man would have a decent car and house, God doesn't care about you, no one really likes you, you might as well kill youself - you're going to hell anyway, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, you're ugly, you're fat, if people knew the real you they would run as fast as they could, you'll never get a decent job, you have no skills, only guys that live with their parents at your age are miserable failures, if something would happen to your parents there is no way you could stand on your feet and you'd end up on the streets, if you live til you're old you will die lonely..... and similar stuff, but those are the most common. Over and over, day in and day out. It gets old, but I've gotten tired trying to shut it out. It all seems true, and it is stuff I believe, maybe thats why it won't stop. I truly believe I have failed and can see no way out.
I have read a couple of really good books lately about God's love, and the authors had a lot of good things to say. I read them, like what they say, but to think they apply to me is a different matter, and seems impossible. It's like the songs I listen to. I love the words but find myself thinking "yeah, right" to some of the songs. I can't believe. I can't trust God.
I have felt a pull towards God lately that I hadn't felt for a few months, but what is the use in going back to Him right now? I'd cave the first time the devil looked at me.
The depression is back pretty bad. I don't think I ever got over it. I just keep it down better at times than others. There is like a darkness inside of me that scares me. I used to think I'd never kill myself, but only the fear that I'd drop into hell if I did it is stopping me. The idea keeps going through my head to do it in June.... that is when it will be 5 years marking my failures, and when my money will most likely run out...... I still don't think I'd go through with it, but the desire to die is stronger most days than the desire to live. Life looks hopeless, lonely, without color or anything to live for. I don't want to get old. I'm already a freak, still single at my age. I'm already lonely.... what will it be like when I'm in my 60's? I already have a hard time finding work I can do... that can only get worse as I get older. What do I have to look forward to, being a Walmart greeter?
I still feel guilty when I see people like Nick Vujicic, but yet I envy him. No, I don't want to lose any of my limbs, much less have none of them, but there's a guy with no arms or legs and he is popular, has done stuff I can't do with all of my limbs, and he is married.. something I can't accomplish with all my limbs.
Last night, I was thinking and wondered if one of my biggest mistakes when I moved back, was trying to find a job where I didn't have to work Sundays. I still believe Christians should try not to work Sundays, and as bad as I want to quit church completely, know I need to be there, but God sure didn't seem to honor me for trying to honor His day... if I hadn't put no Sunday work on all of those applications, maybe I would have had a decent job instead of being unemployed and depressed.
Granted I haven't tried as hard as I should to find work on a regular basis. I will get depressed and not look for a few days. In fact, I am most depressed after looking through job ads. I feel so stupid, unskilled, and hopeless.. is it any wonder I dread looking for work?
I'm sick of pretending. Of saying "fine" when people ask me how I'm doing at church......but who would want to be around me if I said the truth? If I said the truth, my parents would either drag me to the altar, since it cures all, or lock me up. Actually, it would be the first. They would just think I needed a trip to the altar.
One thing is different with this depression than before: When I was depressed before, I had to force myself to read, something I love. This time around, it isn't the case, at least so far. I have been able to lose myself in reading, and block the real world out, so that is a small blessing.
Some days, I just want to toss it all aside and live the gay lifestyle 100%. I never will. I am a coward even in that area, so I will continue to live in two worlds for now, not liking either one.
I've got a soundtrack playing in my mind. It plays over and over, and says the same things: you are a failure, you're not even a real man, a real man would have a decent job and and a family, a real man would have a decent car and house, God doesn't care about you, no one really likes you, you might as well kill youself - you're going to hell anyway, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, you're ugly, you're fat, if people knew the real you they would run as fast as they could, you'll never get a decent job, you have no skills, only guys that live with their parents at your age are miserable failures, if something would happen to your parents there is no way you could stand on your feet and you'd end up on the streets, if you live til you're old you will die lonely..... and similar stuff, but those are the most common. Over and over, day in and day out. It gets old, but I've gotten tired trying to shut it out. It all seems true, and it is stuff I believe, maybe thats why it won't stop. I truly believe I have failed and can see no way out.
I have read a couple of really good books lately about God's love, and the authors had a lot of good things to say. I read them, like what they say, but to think they apply to me is a different matter, and seems impossible. It's like the songs I listen to. I love the words but find myself thinking "yeah, right" to some of the songs. I can't believe. I can't trust God.
I have felt a pull towards God lately that I hadn't felt for a few months, but what is the use in going back to Him right now? I'd cave the first time the devil looked at me.
The depression is back pretty bad. I don't think I ever got over it. I just keep it down better at times than others. There is like a darkness inside of me that scares me. I used to think I'd never kill myself, but only the fear that I'd drop into hell if I did it is stopping me. The idea keeps going through my head to do it in June.... that is when it will be 5 years marking my failures, and when my money will most likely run out...... I still don't think I'd go through with it, but the desire to die is stronger most days than the desire to live. Life looks hopeless, lonely, without color or anything to live for. I don't want to get old. I'm already a freak, still single at my age. I'm already lonely.... what will it be like when I'm in my 60's? I already have a hard time finding work I can do... that can only get worse as I get older. What do I have to look forward to, being a Walmart greeter?
I still feel guilty when I see people like Nick Vujicic, but yet I envy him. No, I don't want to lose any of my limbs, much less have none of them, but there's a guy with no arms or legs and he is popular, has done stuff I can't do with all of my limbs, and he is married.. something I can't accomplish with all my limbs.
Last night, I was thinking and wondered if one of my biggest mistakes when I moved back, was trying to find a job where I didn't have to work Sundays. I still believe Christians should try not to work Sundays, and as bad as I want to quit church completely, know I need to be there, but God sure didn't seem to honor me for trying to honor His day... if I hadn't put no Sunday work on all of those applications, maybe I would have had a decent job instead of being unemployed and depressed.
Granted I haven't tried as hard as I should to find work on a regular basis. I will get depressed and not look for a few days. In fact, I am most depressed after looking through job ads. I feel so stupid, unskilled, and hopeless.. is it any wonder I dread looking for work?
I'm sick of pretending. Of saying "fine" when people ask me how I'm doing at church......but who would want to be around me if I said the truth? If I said the truth, my parents would either drag me to the altar, since it cures all, or lock me up. Actually, it would be the first. They would just think I needed a trip to the altar.
One thing is different with this depression than before: When I was depressed before, I had to force myself to read, something I love. This time around, it isn't the case, at least so far. I have been able to lose myself in reading, and block the real world out, so that is a small blessing.
Some days, I just want to toss it all aside and live the gay lifestyle 100%. I never will. I am a coward even in that area, so I will continue to live in two worlds for now, not liking either one.
Should everyone "come out"?
A friend of mine sent me a link to an article he thought was good, so I checked it out.(here) The man who wrote is is espousing the idea that every sexual minority should "come out" and that if they did, then that would cause people to understand them better, and love them more, etc. The man has good intentions, but I see holes in his idea. I don't think everyone should come out that has same-sex attractions. Should guys like me feel more free to admit our struggle in the church? Yes, a thousand times yes, but the idea of everyone coming out? No. I have issues with that idea.
1) It would be a tool the gay militants would use to further their cause. The people who come out would be used by the gay militants to further the gay agenda
2) It would encourage young people to come out who may overcome their youthful SSA and go on to overcome it and live a heterosexual life..... and in general, it would encourage people to be gay and not try to overcome it.
3) It would encourage an acceptance of the sin, not just a love for the sinner
4) It would destroy families and marriages. Some women - or men - could not handle knowing their spouse struggles with the issue. Is that right? No, but its the truth.
5) The man who wrote it said "all sexual minorities." So what else is there? Bi-sexuals, transexuals..... if you go with "all" than what about the men in the man-boy love association? People who have sex with animals..... does he really mean "all"? There are a lot of different sex ideas out there now...... can you imagine if all of these people came forward and outted themselves?
Would it wake the church up as he indicates, when they saw how many in their own midst deal with the issue? Hopefully, but I still don't think its a good idea. There is already a day set aside to encourage people to "come out", and it is political.
There may be other reasons his idea is bad, but these were the thoughts I had upon reading the post.
1) It would be a tool the gay militants would use to further their cause. The people who come out would be used by the gay militants to further the gay agenda
2) It would encourage young people to come out who may overcome their youthful SSA and go on to overcome it and live a heterosexual life..... and in general, it would encourage people to be gay and not try to overcome it.
3) It would encourage an acceptance of the sin, not just a love for the sinner
4) It would destroy families and marriages. Some women - or men - could not handle knowing their spouse struggles with the issue. Is that right? No, but its the truth.
5) The man who wrote it said "all sexual minorities." So what else is there? Bi-sexuals, transexuals..... if you go with "all" than what about the men in the man-boy love association? People who have sex with animals..... does he really mean "all"? There are a lot of different sex ideas out there now...... can you imagine if all of these people came forward and outted themselves?
Would it wake the church up as he indicates, when they saw how many in their own midst deal with the issue? Hopefully, but I still don't think its a good idea. There is already a day set aside to encourage people to "come out", and it is political.
There may be other reasons his idea is bad, but these were the thoughts I had upon reading the post.
Friday, April 19, 2013
What can the church do? Part 1: Awareness
My best friend also struggles with same-sex attraction, though he has been more open about his struggles. Anyone who knows him knows about it. He gets frustrated with his church for not doing more to help him and that is one of his favorite soapboxes. I told him recently that he about foams at the mouth when he talks about it..... and its almost that bad :-) . I gave him an assignment: I asked him to come up with an idea of what the church should do to help those who struggle with this issue, and specifically what he wishes his church would do to help him.
In the meantime, I thought I'd talk about it some. I think my friend may expect too much out of people. Guys have jobs and families, and I get that. I find myself wishing people do more too.
There are several people who know about my struggles at my church. Without counting, I'd guess between 15 and 20. At least. No one ever asks how I am doing specifically in that area. Occasionally someone will say they are praying for me, but that is rare.
My church redid their youth program a few years ago, and its a big deal now. There is a lot of focus on it. I believe 100% that if a teenager admitted a struggle in this area, there would be an outpouring of love and concern. The leaders of the group would be texting them often checking up on them, calling, etc..... they do that with some kids who are just struggling spiritually, so I am not just using conjecture. So what am I, chopped liver? I'm not bitter about it, and I really don't know what the solution is, or what I would even expect, which is one reason I don't say much about it.
I have read about some guys that come out and admit their struggles as they try to live a Christian life, and they are surrounded by friends and people wanting to help and provide accountability. Wesley Hill, author of Washed and Waiting (a great book), and Matt Moore are good examples of this.... is it because they are younger? If I were admitting my struggle and was age 16 or 21, would people care more, do more to help? Or is that voice inside correct that says no one really cares, no one really likes me, and that is why I'm left to drift and crash?
I do have some people who genuinely seem to care, but not many close by. My friend thinks I need to just go to a different church, but I can't see that changing anything. I know of no church in my area that has a specific ministry to guys like me, and I know from my time as a mentor for setting captives free that there are tons of churches where guys are struggling in silence, and don't feel like they can tell anyone, and the ones who do, don't receive any or much support.... so what is the answer?
I've thought a lot about it, and this came to me. Awareness.
I imagine the majority of people in my church would be surprised and shocked that a gay man is attending their church, and has been for years. And the same could be said of many churches across America.
Christians need to be aware that statistically speaking, the chances are greater that there are people dealing with same sex attractions in their congregation, than not. My pastor does as well as he can to help me, though I don't think he completely gets it, but one time I said something about being the only one struggling with it, and he said I wasn't. I can't remember the exact words that were said, but it made me think he meant there was someone else in my church. That was at least 7-8 years ago, so I have no clue if the person or persons still attends there, but I am very likely not the only one. We average 250-300 people on Sundays, so there's a good chance I am not the only one.
Christians need to be aware of what homosexuality is and what it isn't. Gay people aren't child molesters. Some are, of course, but the percentage of heterosexuals that molest kids is much higher.
They need to be aware that gay isn't contagious. They won't catch it by being around a gay person.
I think most Christians have no clue about homosexuality. The causes, what its like for those dealing with it, especially the ones who are fighting it and trying to be a Christian. They see the gay militants marching in gay pride parades, they see the gay agenda trying to teach kids as young as Kindergarten to explore their sexuality, they see all the crap the gays out in the forefront are trying to do, and that is how they see all gay people. They need to be aware that all gay people aren't like that. That there are people silently struggling in their midst. Some of them may never act out sexually. Some may never get the nerve to tell anyone about their struggles, for fear of rejection or being ostracized. Some will eventually kill themselves, not knowing how to deal with it, and being fearful of being found out. Some will leave the church and live the gay lifestyle 100%. Some will stay in the pew and act out privately, no one knowing their secret lives.
Every gay adult out there marching in a gay pride parade with all the filth and deviant behaviors was once a young person dealing with desires and attractions they didn't know how to handle. Imagine if the right person had been there to befriend them, to love them, to show them Jesus..... but the church runs from it. We need to stand against the gay agenda, but we also need to love the gay person, especially the ones in our church and back yard.
In the meantime, I thought I'd talk about it some. I think my friend may expect too much out of people. Guys have jobs and families, and I get that. I find myself wishing people do more too.
There are several people who know about my struggles at my church. Without counting, I'd guess between 15 and 20. At least. No one ever asks how I am doing specifically in that area. Occasionally someone will say they are praying for me, but that is rare.
My church redid their youth program a few years ago, and its a big deal now. There is a lot of focus on it. I believe 100% that if a teenager admitted a struggle in this area, there would be an outpouring of love and concern. The leaders of the group would be texting them often checking up on them, calling, etc..... they do that with some kids who are just struggling spiritually, so I am not just using conjecture. So what am I, chopped liver? I'm not bitter about it, and I really don't know what the solution is, or what I would even expect, which is one reason I don't say much about it.
I have read about some guys that come out and admit their struggles as they try to live a Christian life, and they are surrounded by friends and people wanting to help and provide accountability. Wesley Hill, author of Washed and Waiting (a great book), and Matt Moore are good examples of this.... is it because they are younger? If I were admitting my struggle and was age 16 or 21, would people care more, do more to help? Or is that voice inside correct that says no one really cares, no one really likes me, and that is why I'm left to drift and crash?
I do have some people who genuinely seem to care, but not many close by. My friend thinks I need to just go to a different church, but I can't see that changing anything. I know of no church in my area that has a specific ministry to guys like me, and I know from my time as a mentor for setting captives free that there are tons of churches where guys are struggling in silence, and don't feel like they can tell anyone, and the ones who do, don't receive any or much support.... so what is the answer?
I've thought a lot about it, and this came to me. Awareness.
I imagine the majority of people in my church would be surprised and shocked that a gay man is attending their church, and has been for years. And the same could be said of many churches across America.
Christians need to be aware that statistically speaking, the chances are greater that there are people dealing with same sex attractions in their congregation, than not. My pastor does as well as he can to help me, though I don't think he completely gets it, but one time I said something about being the only one struggling with it, and he said I wasn't. I can't remember the exact words that were said, but it made me think he meant there was someone else in my church. That was at least 7-8 years ago, so I have no clue if the person or persons still attends there, but I am very likely not the only one. We average 250-300 people on Sundays, so there's a good chance I am not the only one.
Christians need to be aware of what homosexuality is and what it isn't. Gay people aren't child molesters. Some are, of course, but the percentage of heterosexuals that molest kids is much higher.
They need to be aware that gay isn't contagious. They won't catch it by being around a gay person.
I think most Christians have no clue about homosexuality. The causes, what its like for those dealing with it, especially the ones who are fighting it and trying to be a Christian. They see the gay militants marching in gay pride parades, they see the gay agenda trying to teach kids as young as Kindergarten to explore their sexuality, they see all the crap the gays out in the forefront are trying to do, and that is how they see all gay people. They need to be aware that all gay people aren't like that. That there are people silently struggling in their midst. Some of them may never act out sexually. Some may never get the nerve to tell anyone about their struggles, for fear of rejection or being ostracized. Some will eventually kill themselves, not knowing how to deal with it, and being fearful of being found out. Some will leave the church and live the gay lifestyle 100%. Some will stay in the pew and act out privately, no one knowing their secret lives.
Every gay adult out there marching in a gay pride parade with all the filth and deviant behaviors was once a young person dealing with desires and attractions they didn't know how to handle. Imagine if the right person had been there to befriend them, to love them, to show them Jesus..... but the church runs from it. We need to stand against the gay agenda, but we also need to love the gay person, especially the ones in our church and back yard.
My book
I don't know if I ever mentioned it on here, but a couple of years ago, I started writing a book. I had commented to my best friend a few times how I wished a good Christian author would write a book where the main character was a gay male, and show the battle and struggle of such a character. He told me I should do it, so I started writing, actually typing. I have over 48,000 words typed so far, which is a pretty good start I guess.
The book is fiction, and I like most of what I wrote so far. I was reading over most of it today and found myself crying a lot - its an emotional book in parts. There are parts that need changed or taken out, but I still think the plot is pretty good and I love my characters I came up with. I'm just not sure what to do with it. My best friend has worked on it some, tweaked it, etc..... not sure how much, and I haven't seen what he has done with it, but I'm feeling again like I'd like to try working on it more. I got so depressed that I shelved it and haven't done anything on it for months, maybe a couple of years.
But the thing is, what if no one would publish it anyway? Homosexuality isn't a popular subject for Christian fiction, so even if it became a good enough story, would anyone publish it? And if so.... would I want my name on the cover? If I did that, I might as well admit to the world my struggle, and my family would read it....I talk about the causes of homosexuality in it and triggers - lack of affection from the father, a too controlling mother...... that would offend them, but could I have a book published anonymously? That would be hard not to tell people about. I really have no idea what to do with it and about it, but I do think Christians need educated a bit and woken up to the fact of how many people in our churches are struggling with it, and a fiction book might help...... wish I knew what to do, but I don't
The book is fiction, and I like most of what I wrote so far. I was reading over most of it today and found myself crying a lot - its an emotional book in parts. There are parts that need changed or taken out, but I still think the plot is pretty good and I love my characters I came up with. I'm just not sure what to do with it. My best friend has worked on it some, tweaked it, etc..... not sure how much, and I haven't seen what he has done with it, but I'm feeling again like I'd like to try working on it more. I got so depressed that I shelved it and haven't done anything on it for months, maybe a couple of years.
But the thing is, what if no one would publish it anyway? Homosexuality isn't a popular subject for Christian fiction, so even if it became a good enough story, would anyone publish it? And if so.... would I want my name on the cover? If I did that, I might as well admit to the world my struggle, and my family would read it....I talk about the causes of homosexuality in it and triggers - lack of affection from the father, a too controlling mother...... that would offend them, but could I have a book published anonymously? That would be hard not to tell people about. I really have no idea what to do with it and about it, but I do think Christians need educated a bit and woken up to the fact of how many people in our churches are struggling with it, and a fiction book might help...... wish I knew what to do, but I don't
Thursday, April 18, 2013
3 lies porn tells you, by Justin and Trisha Davis
A great article I ran across and am sharing. Link here. Written by Justin and Trisha Davis, speakers and founders of Refine Us Ministries.
Three years into our marriage, my wife, Trisha, woke up in the middle of the night and realized I wasn’t in bed. She walked out into the living room and as soon as she looked at the TV, I quickly changed the channel.
She began to question me about what I was watching, why I wasn’t in bed, and why I would immediately change the channel. Then came the repeated question: Do you struggle with lust and pornography? The more she asked the more intense the conversation became.
So I denied everything. I told her I was just channel surfing. I argued with her about what she saw. I convinced her that I didn’t struggle with porn or lust. She had nothing to worry about. I was lying.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that night was the first of many opportunities I had over the first 10 years of our marriage to be honest about my porn addiction. I was a pastor and pastors don’t struggle with lust or porn. At least, no other pastor I knew struggled with it, I felt all alone.
The truth was, I wasn’t alone. I had friends I could have talked to. I had accountability partners I lied to. I had other pastors I blew off when asked about sexual sins and struggles.
In my mind, my intentions were good—I was trying to protect my marriage. The reality is, porn was telling me lies and I was buying right into them.
For the amount of people who struggle with this, we don’t talk about it near enough. We don’t talk about it in our families. We don’t talk about it in our churches. We think avoiding it will make it go away. Statistically speaking, over 50 percent of the men reading this post have had exposure to pornography recently. And it’s not just a “man’s problem,” either. About 30 percent of porn users online are women. It isn’t going away.
Here are the three lies porn told me and will tell you as well.
Something I’ve learned the hard way: Hiding sin never provides us with the power to overcome it. The freedom you long for is found in confession. Freedom costs something upfront, but not as much as bondage costs over time.
Believing these lies will never give you the power to overcome them. Trying to quit will not give you the power to quit. But freedom is possible.
Here is what I believe with all of my heart: If you struggle with pornography, God isn’t disappointed in you; He is fighting for you. He died and conquered sin and death so you can have victory in this area of your life.
Where do we begin? How can we overcome something that grips our heart and keeps us living in shame and guilt? The first place I suggest everyone that struggles with pornography start is with a Christian counselor. Both my wife and I needed someone with greater perspective and wisdom than we had to help us overcome this struggle in my life.
Beyond that, I want to share one principle with you that I believe has power to bring freedom, hope and healing to your heart. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Healing comes through confession and prayer. I know that sounds very churchy, but take a look at this Scripture: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).
The type of confession that James is talking about isn’t a confession for forgiveness; it is confession for healing. There is a healing that comes to our heart as we confess our sins with one another.
Most of us have the “forgiveness” part of confession down. We know that in order to get forgiveness from God, we have to confess our sins. Maybe you grew up confessing to a priest, maybe it is something that you do in your quiet time with God, maybe it is something that you do after you’ve made a huge mistake. Most of us know that forgiveness from God comes through confession.
We don’t talk about the “healing” type of confession in the Church very often. In fact, we have built a religious system that tries to find healing through hiding our sins, not confessing them. The sins we do confess are “safe” sins: bitterness, jealousy, materialism, anger and selfishness.
I was the master at this. I appeared “authentic” for confessing socially acceptable sins while I lived as a prisoner to sins I wasn’t willing to confess. For years, I forfeited the healing that God longed to bring to my heart not because I didn’t confess my sins to Him; but because I refused to confess them to anyone else.
But here’s 3 truths porn will never tell you:
She began to question me about what I was watching, why I wasn’t in bed, and why I would immediately change the channel. Then came the repeated question: Do you struggle with lust and pornography? The more she asked the more intense the conversation became.
So I denied everything. I told her I was just channel surfing. I argued with her about what she saw. I convinced her that I didn’t struggle with porn or lust. She had nothing to worry about. I was lying.
For the amount of people who struggle with this, we don’t talk about it near enough.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that night was the first of many opportunities I had over the first 10 years of our marriage to be honest about my porn addiction. I was a pastor and pastors don’t struggle with lust or porn. At least, no other pastor I knew struggled with it, I felt all alone.
The truth was, I wasn’t alone. I had friends I could have talked to. I had accountability partners I lied to. I had other pastors I blew off when asked about sexual sins and struggles.
In my mind, my intentions were good—I was trying to protect my marriage. The reality is, porn was telling me lies and I was buying right into them.
For the amount of people who struggle with this, we don’t talk about it near enough. We don’t talk about it in our families. We don’t talk about it in our churches. We think avoiding it will make it go away. Statistically speaking, over 50 percent of the men reading this post have had exposure to pornography recently. And it’s not just a “man’s problem,” either. About 30 percent of porn users online are women. It isn’t going away.
Here are the three lies porn told me and will tell you as well.
1. That was the last time.
No matter how many times you’ve looked at pornography, that was your last time. Because you truly believe it is your last time buying the magazine, going to the web site, downloading that movie—you don’t need to confess it, because it was the last time. Until tomorrow or next week or next month. It is the last time—until the next time. If porn can convince you that “this time is the last time,” you’ll never tell anyone.2. You can stop anytime you want.
You know what pornography has done to other marriages, to other friends, to other families, to other church leaders…but you aren’t really “addicted” to pornography. You can stop anytime you want. Besides it doesn’t have the same effect on you that it does on other people. It won’t hurt your life, your marriage, your kids, your church, your ministry like it has other people. You are in control of porn, it doesn’t control you.
Freedom costs something upfront, but not as much as bondage costs over time.
3. Confessing your struggle with cost you too much.
Porn wants you to live in secret. Porn causes us to weigh the cost of confessing against the cost of hiding and convinces us that hiding will be less painful. You think you are helping yourself and your marriage by hiding your porn addiction. Your wife—or husband—won’t understand. Your marriage won’t recover. Your credibility won’t be able to be rebuilt.Something I’ve learned the hard way: Hiding sin never provides us with the power to overcome it. The freedom you long for is found in confession. Freedom costs something upfront, but not as much as bondage costs over time.
Believing these lies will never give you the power to overcome them. Trying to quit will not give you the power to quit. But freedom is possible.
Here is what I believe with all of my heart: If you struggle with pornography, God isn’t disappointed in you; He is fighting for you. He died and conquered sin and death so you can have victory in this area of your life.
Where do we begin? How can we overcome something that grips our heart and keeps us living in shame and guilt? The first place I suggest everyone that struggles with pornography start is with a Christian counselor. Both my wife and I needed someone with greater perspective and wisdom than we had to help us overcome this struggle in my life.
Beyond that, I want to share one principle with you that I believe has power to bring freedom, hope and healing to your heart. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Healing comes through confession and prayer. I know that sounds very churchy, but take a look at this Scripture: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).
The type of confession that James is talking about isn’t a confession for forgiveness; it is confession for healing. There is a healing that comes to our heart as we confess our sins with one another.
Most of us have the “forgiveness” part of confession down. We know that in order to get forgiveness from God, we have to confess our sins. Maybe you grew up confessing to a priest, maybe it is something that you do in your quiet time with God, maybe it is something that you do after you’ve made a huge mistake. Most of us know that forgiveness from God comes through confession.
We don’t talk about the “healing” type of confession in the Church very often. In fact, we have built a religious system that tries to find healing through hiding our sins, not confessing them. The sins we do confess are “safe” sins: bitterness, jealousy, materialism, anger and selfishness.
I was the master at this. I appeared “authentic” for confessing socially acceptable sins while I lived as a prisoner to sins I wasn’t willing to confess. For years, I forfeited the healing that God longed to bring to my heart not because I didn’t confess my sins to Him; but because I refused to confess them to anyone else.
But here’s 3 truths porn will never tell you:
- Temptation loses its power when we confess.
- Sin loses its ability to keep us fractured when we confess.
- Addictions lose the control they have in our lives when we confess.
Pinocchio and I
The thought hit me the other day that I have something in common with Pinocchio. No, not the lying that makes my nose grow, though I have lived a lie most of my life, covering up the real me and the fact that I am gay from most people. But that isn't how I find myself similar to Pinocchio.
Everyone is familiar with the story. The lonely woodcarver makes a puppet, a little boy. The puppet becomes alive, but is still a wooden puppet. He spends the rest of the story wishing to be a real boy, and eventually gets his wish. Cute story. I don't wish to be a boy again..... that brings back memories of getting bullied and all that fun stuff, but I find myself wishing I were a real man. In that regard, Pinocchio and I are alike.
I don't feel like a real man. I have no job skills, am scared to death to even try new jobs. In some ways, it is good I never got what I want so much: a family. I am such a failure that I doubt I could support a family... I can barely support myself. I fail at more than I succeed, and am so far from what a real man is, I don't think I could ever get there.
And by being a real man, I'm not talking about being able to do construction stuff, be interested in sports, etc. Real manhood doesn't consist of that stuff - well, it doesn't, but they aren't necessary. I mean being able to look at myself in the mirror and see a man, not a failure, not a scared little kid hiding out in a man's body. Being able to look people in the eye and not be ashamed of my state in life, of being able to have my own house/apartment again and stand on my own two feet, independent of my parents. Marriage would be nice, but I really can't see it is possible. I am not just not attracted to women, I find the sight of naked women disgusting and nothing I want to see. Even if that changed, and I can't see it would, a woman would have to be insane to marry someone with my history, sexual and otherwise.
I am thankful that most people don't know me well enough to see me as I am, and worse, to see me as I see myself. I've told my best friend I don't think he even gets how much I loathe myself, and how I truly see myself.
Pinocchio eventually got his wish. He became a real boy. I've probably lived half my life, or more, and I still haven't gotten mine. And I'm scared to hope that I ever will.
Everyone is familiar with the story. The lonely woodcarver makes a puppet, a little boy. The puppet becomes alive, but is still a wooden puppet. He spends the rest of the story wishing to be a real boy, and eventually gets his wish. Cute story. I don't wish to be a boy again..... that brings back memories of getting bullied and all that fun stuff, but I find myself wishing I were a real man. In that regard, Pinocchio and I are alike.
I don't feel like a real man. I have no job skills, am scared to death to even try new jobs. In some ways, it is good I never got what I want so much: a family. I am such a failure that I doubt I could support a family... I can barely support myself. I fail at more than I succeed, and am so far from what a real man is, I don't think I could ever get there.
And by being a real man, I'm not talking about being able to do construction stuff, be interested in sports, etc. Real manhood doesn't consist of that stuff - well, it doesn't, but they aren't necessary. I mean being able to look at myself in the mirror and see a man, not a failure, not a scared little kid hiding out in a man's body. Being able to look people in the eye and not be ashamed of my state in life, of being able to have my own house/apartment again and stand on my own two feet, independent of my parents. Marriage would be nice, but I really can't see it is possible. I am not just not attracted to women, I find the sight of naked women disgusting and nothing I want to see. Even if that changed, and I can't see it would, a woman would have to be insane to marry someone with my history, sexual and otherwise.
I am thankful that most people don't know me well enough to see me as I am, and worse, to see me as I see myself. I've told my best friend I don't think he even gets how much I loathe myself, and how I truly see myself.
Pinocchio eventually got his wish. He became a real boy. I've probably lived half my life, or more, and I still haven't gotten mine. And I'm scared to hope that I ever will.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Homosexuality Is Not Me, by Matt Moore
Matt Moor impresses me. Yes, he messed up, but he got back up and is again serving God. It can't be easy with a public fall - thats one advantage I have over him. When I fall and give in, no one knows. Anyway, I really liked his most recent post. He said so much better what I tried to say recently, so I am pasting it here with the link to the post, which is here.
Last night while talking with a friend on the phone, I really felt that the Lord was urging me to tell him that he needed to stop focusing so intently on his same sex feelings– his mind and heart was so occupied with his feelings that his view of God and himself was being severely skewed. I told him that his confusion, depression and anger were all stemming from the fact that homosexuality was on the big screen in his heart 24/7, not Jesus. As soon as I said this, I knew without a doubt that the Lord was talking to me too.
For as long as I can remember, my life has been dictated by my attraction toward the same sex.
In January of this year, I didn’t even notice how subtly homosexuality started to replace Jesus on the big screen in my heart. As I started to share about more of my personal struggles and journeys with this issue on my blog, the traffic to my site started to explode. In what seemed like an instant I was doing interviews with Christian magazine websites and radio talk shows, got signed on with a literary agency to do a book, then a Christian speaking agency—all on top of dozens of emails a day from men and women asking for my advice pertaining to their own struggles in this area. Because my articles got so much attention when I wrote on this subject, I felt like everything I wrote had to be centered in on things of this nature. Most of my time began to be taken up with thinking about, talking about, writing about, and praying about homosexuality. One might look at my life and see the amazing opportunities the Lord was giving me (and He was)–but in reality, the True Life in me was draining every day. For the past 8 months I’ve wrestled with sexual sin (porn) vigorously—and have fallen into it almost weekly. I’ve been so tired, in every sense of the word. I’ve been depressed, lethargic and unmotivated. I haven’t been able to see any real purpose in my life.
I have forgotten my real purpose…my real identity.
Once again, I’ve felt and lived a life dictated by this thing–this homosexuality. Which depresses me. Don’t get me wrong, my flesh loves the attention that I get in regard to this and the things I say about it. The praise of men is enticing. But even amidst that, I don’t want homosexuality to be me. I don’t want people’s first thought when hearing my name or seeing my face to be “oh that abstinent gay guy”——-I want them to think… “Jesus”
My true identity is all wrapped up in Jesus Christ— not this thing I’ve entangled myself in. How many times have I told people that homosexuality does not have to define them? Countless times.. countless! Yet I’ve fallen for the lie myself. The enemy wants us to get all wrapped up in the wrong things—even if we have kind of the right motives while getting wrapped up in them. My over-focus on homosexuality has been in part out of my desire to help other people who struggle with it…. but how in the world do I think I’m going to help people learn to look past this weakness to the bigger picture of Jesus Christ if I myself am so intently focused on the wrong thing too?
I think that I’ve also been using my focus on homosexuality as a defense mechanism—because deep down I feel inadequate compared to other guys, because of these feelings that I have. I think that subconsciously I tell myself that if I do lots of big Kingdom things and because of those things lots of people are saved and strengthened, then other people won’t think less of me. In some way, I’ve tricked myself into believing that doing bold things, like writing and speaking about homosexuality, make up for the “lack” in my “manliness” due to my same sex attractions. But that’s all a lie.
I may be a man of weakness, but In my weaknesses I will boast because it’s in those things that Christ makes Himself strong for all to see. I am a man who may be different from other men, but I am not any lesser than they—grace empowers me to be and do more for the Kingdom of God than most men ever would. I’m not going to view my self as lesser than others because I’m different than others—-but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post. I just want to encourage whoever’s reading this to not let your mind and affections get all caught up in your weaknesses, failures, or even specific ministry avenues. Get caught up in Jesus. That’s where the real Life is. That’s where the worth, love and identity is.
I’m going to keep striving to help people who are caught up in this sin. I’m going to continue to write on it. But I am not, from this point forward, going to let myself believe that I am defined by this. Homosexuality is a thorn I suffer, yes. God has given me the ministry of helping those who also suffer, yes. I must think about this thing and pray for myself and others in regard to this, yes. But in all that, homosexuality is not me. My identity, who I am at the core of my being, is defined by God….nothing else. I am more than my weaknesses. I’m not going to pretend that I fully know exactly who I am, in relation to Christ… but I know that only in setting Him as the focal point of my journey in this life will I ever find out. But of this much I’m sure—-Matt Moore is much more than what he thinks that he is, not because of any good thing he’s done….. but because in Christ, God has made him more than he ever deserved to be.
Last night while talking with a friend on the phone, I really felt that the Lord was urging me to tell him that he needed to stop focusing so intently on his same sex feelings– his mind and heart was so occupied with his feelings that his view of God and himself was being severely skewed. I told him that his confusion, depression and anger were all stemming from the fact that homosexuality was on the big screen in his heart 24/7, not Jesus. As soon as I said this, I knew without a doubt that the Lord was talking to me too.
For as long as I can remember, my life has been dictated by my attraction toward the same sex.
- In middle and high school, my thoughts and actions were constantly centered in on suppressing my abnormal feelings and making sure people didn’t suspect that I was gay.
- In college, my thoughts and actions were constantly centered in on figuring out how I could go about fulfilling these desires, discretely, without being publicly broadcasted as gay.
- Then from age 19-21, my thoughts and actions were consumed with being gay– I came out and was loud, proud and unashamed.
In January of this year, I didn’t even notice how subtly homosexuality started to replace Jesus on the big screen in my heart. As I started to share about more of my personal struggles and journeys with this issue on my blog, the traffic to my site started to explode. In what seemed like an instant I was doing interviews with Christian magazine websites and radio talk shows, got signed on with a literary agency to do a book, then a Christian speaking agency—all on top of dozens of emails a day from men and women asking for my advice pertaining to their own struggles in this area. Because my articles got so much attention when I wrote on this subject, I felt like everything I wrote had to be centered in on things of this nature. Most of my time began to be taken up with thinking about, talking about, writing about, and praying about homosexuality. One might look at my life and see the amazing opportunities the Lord was giving me (and He was)–but in reality, the True Life in me was draining every day. For the past 8 months I’ve wrestled with sexual sin (porn) vigorously—and have fallen into it almost weekly. I’ve been so tired, in every sense of the word. I’ve been depressed, lethargic and unmotivated. I haven’t been able to see any real purpose in my life.
I have forgotten my real purpose…my real identity.
Once again, I’ve felt and lived a life dictated by this thing–this homosexuality. Which depresses me. Don’t get me wrong, my flesh loves the attention that I get in regard to this and the things I say about it. The praise of men is enticing. But even amidst that, I don’t want homosexuality to be me. I don’t want people’s first thought when hearing my name or seeing my face to be “oh that abstinent gay guy”——-I want them to think… “Jesus”
My true identity is all wrapped up in Jesus Christ— not this thing I’ve entangled myself in. How many times have I told people that homosexuality does not have to define them? Countless times.. countless! Yet I’ve fallen for the lie myself. The enemy wants us to get all wrapped up in the wrong things—even if we have kind of the right motives while getting wrapped up in them. My over-focus on homosexuality has been in part out of my desire to help other people who struggle with it…. but how in the world do I think I’m going to help people learn to look past this weakness to the bigger picture of Jesus Christ if I myself am so intently focused on the wrong thing too?
I think that I’ve also been using my focus on homosexuality as a defense mechanism—because deep down I feel inadequate compared to other guys, because of these feelings that I have. I think that subconsciously I tell myself that if I do lots of big Kingdom things and because of those things lots of people are saved and strengthened, then other people won’t think less of me. In some way, I’ve tricked myself into believing that doing bold things, like writing and speaking about homosexuality, make up for the “lack” in my “manliness” due to my same sex attractions. But that’s all a lie.
I may be a man of weakness, but In my weaknesses I will boast because it’s in those things that Christ makes Himself strong for all to see. I am a man who may be different from other men, but I am not any lesser than they—grace empowers me to be and do more for the Kingdom of God than most men ever would. I’m not going to view my self as lesser than others because I’m different than others—-but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post. I just want to encourage whoever’s reading this to not let your mind and affections get all caught up in your weaknesses, failures, or even specific ministry avenues. Get caught up in Jesus. That’s where the real Life is. That’s where the worth, love and identity is.
I’m going to keep striving to help people who are caught up in this sin. I’m going to continue to write on it. But I am not, from this point forward, going to let myself believe that I am defined by this. Homosexuality is a thorn I suffer, yes. God has given me the ministry of helping those who also suffer, yes. I must think about this thing and pray for myself and others in regard to this, yes. But in all that, homosexuality is not me. My identity, who I am at the core of my being, is defined by God….nothing else. I am more than my weaknesses. I’m not going to pretend that I fully know exactly who I am, in relation to Christ… but I know that only in setting Him as the focal point of my journey in this life will I ever find out. But of this much I’m sure—-Matt Moore is much more than what he thinks that he is, not because of any good thing he’s done….. but because in Christ, God has made him more than he ever deserved to be.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
The real me, and the hopelessness of life
It has been ages since I posted anything upbeat and positive, and I apologize. If you're wanting upbeat, skip this post. I did start this blog with the intention of talking about same-sex attractions and my battle with the issue, but it seems I am down more than up, and this blog is a place where I can put my thoughts out without everyone who knows me reading it.
Lately I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I honestly don't know where to go from here, but feel like I am ready to snap. The depression has never gone away completely, I have just managed it better at times, but it is coming back with a vengeance. I think about suicide a lot, especially after job searching. I still have no plans to do it, but wish a lot and think about how I'd do it, and I can't say I would never do it. I'm just so tired of it all.
God: I really don't know if I can ever trust God and believe He loves me and cares about me. I've tried so many time and failed so many times. It truly seems like He ignores me once I repent. Its like I'm on my own. I don't expect Him to give me everything I ask for, and answer every prayer the way I expect, but why not some of them? For a long time, I've felt that no matter how hard I try, God would never let me into Heaven anyway.
My living situation: This June will mark 5 years since I moved back to my home state after moving away for two years. 5 years since I put most of my belongings in a storage unit and moved in with my parents. I hate it. I really hate it.
Oh, I am thankful they allow me to stay here til I get a job that will support me enough to get my own place again, but that doesn't make it enjoyable. I have no privacy. My "bedroom" is part of the furnished basement. I have no door, just a sheet to pull over when I dress or sleep. My bed is a sofa bed with the springs bulging, not a comfortable place to sleep. I have no privacy. I can't read or do anything without my parents being around, talking to me, watching me..... it sounds like a paradox, but as lonely as I am, I can never be alone.
My mother especially is really suspicious and controlling of me. There are times I just want to get out of the house but have no good reason to go, so I just stay here. Its easier than battling questions and suspicions. Thing is...... if I want to have sex with guys, I will do it, no matter how closely they monitor my activities and where I go.....but its easier to capitulate and just stay here. With being jobless, I have to watch my money, so there really isn't anywhere I can go to be alone anyway..... I would like to get a motel room again for a few hours and use the guise of job hunting, but I can't really afford that. I just don't have enough alone time, and I hate it.
These 5 years of living with my parents have been rough. I have never had much self confidence, but its shot completely now. I hate being so dependent on my parents, but the only way out is to get a good enough job that I can get my own place again, but that seems hopeless and impossible.
It sounds bad to admit how badly I need time away from my parents, but its true. Every few months, they will go away overnight to visit one of my sisters that doesn't live close. I never go along - they wonder why - but its because I treasure time away from them. I love it when they even go away for a few hours shopping or whatever.....and I can relax and be alone.
Even today.... both parents are home and I'd love to get away, but where..... I hate it.
I have become so accepting of crap, for lack of a better word. A guy my age should feel more free to be me.... but life is literally a prison.
Work: I've said it before, but no one gets me in this area - maybe any area. I am scared to death about work - its almost a phobia. I am scared I will get a job that I can't do and will get fired. I'm scared to work a job where there are a lot of men for fear I will get bullied and picked on.
I honestly don't think I'm good at anything. I liked working in a bookstore, but they don't pay enough, and I have applied at some with no luck.
More than one person has said I should apply at banks, but I don't think I'm smart enough, plus most banks run credit checks on people before they hire them, and my credit is shot.
When I look at job postings, it just seems hopeless. Anything I am interested in you need experience. If I ever do kill myself, it will probably be after job searching.... that is when I am most depressed. More than anyone would ever understand.
All I have ever worked have been minimum wage jobs, and that isn't enough to live on my own, unless I eat Ramen noodles for every meal and never go anywhere...... but I feel so stupid and unskilled to do anything else. A part of me even feels I am undeserving of a good job. I find myself thinking a guy like me could never get that job, and similar thoughts. Getting any job scares me, but trying for anything out of my comfort zone terrifies me.
The gay issue: Most days I wish I could just dive into it completely. Find a guy to love, or try to love.... yet I hate the gay agenda so much, and I'm afraid I could never come back. Truthfully though..... if something would happen to my parents, I'd probably go for it. Most days they are all that keep me from it. I'm a wimp and knowledge of what my family would do and how they'd react keeps me from doing a lot in life.
I was thinking...... would I be any worse off if I had embraced my sexuality way back and tried to have a relationship with a guy? All these years later, I am still struggling with it, and have had sex with so many guys that I can't put a number on it, only a ball park figure.... more than 200, and probably closer to 300. Pathetic. Wouldn't it be better to have been with a few guys than that many?
I'm very lonely, in spite of being stuck with my parents. Loneliness has always been a major factor in seeking out guys for sex. It does help some, and what else do I have? Most guys my age are married, so it isn't like I have guys I can call up to hang with.
Life in general: I seriously doubt my being able to cope with this crap much longer. I feel a deep sense of shame and failure for the way my life has turned out. I hate being around people even at church and avoid being around people when I can... I am so ashamed at the circumstances of my life right now, and that is just what people know about. I wish I could just stay home from church, but again...... easier to avoid a battle with my parents and just go. I even sit in church and think about killing myself, so a lot of good church does me.
Life terrifies me. If people could see me as I really am, they would see a little boy cowering under a desk or covers in the fetal position.... that pretty much covers how I feel.
I've been down before, been depressed before, but this is worse. I have failed, I am a failure, and I can't see a way out..... except death. And death means hell, so I can't go there yet.
I used to wish I was like other boys. That hasn't changed..... I find myself wishing I was like other guys.
If I could just get my own place again, everything else would be easier to handle, but this living with no privacy, no independence..... it has hurt me, maybe even broken me, and contrary to what so many believe: God can't.... or won't - fix some broken people. Sometimes He walks off and lets them shatter into pieces.
Lately I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I honestly don't know where to go from here, but feel like I am ready to snap. The depression has never gone away completely, I have just managed it better at times, but it is coming back with a vengeance. I think about suicide a lot, especially after job searching. I still have no plans to do it, but wish a lot and think about how I'd do it, and I can't say I would never do it. I'm just so tired of it all.
God: I really don't know if I can ever trust God and believe He loves me and cares about me. I've tried so many time and failed so many times. It truly seems like He ignores me once I repent. Its like I'm on my own. I don't expect Him to give me everything I ask for, and answer every prayer the way I expect, but why not some of them? For a long time, I've felt that no matter how hard I try, God would never let me into Heaven anyway.
My living situation: This June will mark 5 years since I moved back to my home state after moving away for two years. 5 years since I put most of my belongings in a storage unit and moved in with my parents. I hate it. I really hate it.
Oh, I am thankful they allow me to stay here til I get a job that will support me enough to get my own place again, but that doesn't make it enjoyable. I have no privacy. My "bedroom" is part of the furnished basement. I have no door, just a sheet to pull over when I dress or sleep. My bed is a sofa bed with the springs bulging, not a comfortable place to sleep. I have no privacy. I can't read or do anything without my parents being around, talking to me, watching me..... it sounds like a paradox, but as lonely as I am, I can never be alone.
My mother especially is really suspicious and controlling of me. There are times I just want to get out of the house but have no good reason to go, so I just stay here. Its easier than battling questions and suspicions. Thing is...... if I want to have sex with guys, I will do it, no matter how closely they monitor my activities and where I go.....but its easier to capitulate and just stay here. With being jobless, I have to watch my money, so there really isn't anywhere I can go to be alone anyway..... I would like to get a motel room again for a few hours and use the guise of job hunting, but I can't really afford that. I just don't have enough alone time, and I hate it.
These 5 years of living with my parents have been rough. I have never had much self confidence, but its shot completely now. I hate being so dependent on my parents, but the only way out is to get a good enough job that I can get my own place again, but that seems hopeless and impossible.
It sounds bad to admit how badly I need time away from my parents, but its true. Every few months, they will go away overnight to visit one of my sisters that doesn't live close. I never go along - they wonder why - but its because I treasure time away from them. I love it when they even go away for a few hours shopping or whatever.....and I can relax and be alone.
Even today.... both parents are home and I'd love to get away, but where..... I hate it.
I have become so accepting of crap, for lack of a better word. A guy my age should feel more free to be me.... but life is literally a prison.
Work: I've said it before, but no one gets me in this area - maybe any area. I am scared to death about work - its almost a phobia. I am scared I will get a job that I can't do and will get fired. I'm scared to work a job where there are a lot of men for fear I will get bullied and picked on.
I honestly don't think I'm good at anything. I liked working in a bookstore, but they don't pay enough, and I have applied at some with no luck.
More than one person has said I should apply at banks, but I don't think I'm smart enough, plus most banks run credit checks on people before they hire them, and my credit is shot.
When I look at job postings, it just seems hopeless. Anything I am interested in you need experience. If I ever do kill myself, it will probably be after job searching.... that is when I am most depressed. More than anyone would ever understand.
All I have ever worked have been minimum wage jobs, and that isn't enough to live on my own, unless I eat Ramen noodles for every meal and never go anywhere...... but I feel so stupid and unskilled to do anything else. A part of me even feels I am undeserving of a good job. I find myself thinking a guy like me could never get that job, and similar thoughts. Getting any job scares me, but trying for anything out of my comfort zone terrifies me.
The gay issue: Most days I wish I could just dive into it completely. Find a guy to love, or try to love.... yet I hate the gay agenda so much, and I'm afraid I could never come back. Truthfully though..... if something would happen to my parents, I'd probably go for it. Most days they are all that keep me from it. I'm a wimp and knowledge of what my family would do and how they'd react keeps me from doing a lot in life.
I was thinking...... would I be any worse off if I had embraced my sexuality way back and tried to have a relationship with a guy? All these years later, I am still struggling with it, and have had sex with so many guys that I can't put a number on it, only a ball park figure.... more than 200, and probably closer to 300. Pathetic. Wouldn't it be better to have been with a few guys than that many?
I'm very lonely, in spite of being stuck with my parents. Loneliness has always been a major factor in seeking out guys for sex. It does help some, and what else do I have? Most guys my age are married, so it isn't like I have guys I can call up to hang with.
Life in general: I seriously doubt my being able to cope with this crap much longer. I feel a deep sense of shame and failure for the way my life has turned out. I hate being around people even at church and avoid being around people when I can... I am so ashamed at the circumstances of my life right now, and that is just what people know about. I wish I could just stay home from church, but again...... easier to avoid a battle with my parents and just go. I even sit in church and think about killing myself, so a lot of good church does me.
Life terrifies me. If people could see me as I really am, they would see a little boy cowering under a desk or covers in the fetal position.... that pretty much covers how I feel.
I've been down before, been depressed before, but this is worse. I have failed, I am a failure, and I can't see a way out..... except death. And death means hell, so I can't go there yet.
I used to wish I was like other boys. That hasn't changed..... I find myself wishing I was like other guys.
If I could just get my own place again, everything else would be easier to handle, but this living with no privacy, no independence..... it has hurt me, maybe even broken me, and contrary to what so many believe: God can't.... or won't - fix some broken people. Sometimes He walks off and lets them shatter into pieces.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Being Gay at Liberty University, link to an article
I'm not posting the article here, but am posting a link. It is worth reading, though I disagree with the kid for pursuing a gay lifestyle, what stood out to me was the love shown him on a Christian university campus, and the emphaisis on liking himself.... something I don't think I can ever do
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/being-gay-at-jerry-falwells-university/274578/
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/being-gay-at-jerry-falwells-university/274578/
God, rejection, and messed up me
I am in my early 40's and have never become what I call an established Christian. And by that, I mean someone whose relationship with God is fairly steady, no regular falls into sin, and stays on their feet spiritually for the most part. Even before I started having sex with guys and got into pornography, I never could get a real relationship with God. I'd try to serve Him, them give up - a vicious cycle that has been repeated all of my life. Throw being gay and all that goes with it into the mix, that has made it all the harder.
I have theories about why I find it so difficult to stay a Christian. I don't think its necessarily gay related. There are a lot of people dealing with that who overcome it and stay true to God. I think I'd have that problem if I wasn't gay. The gay issue just compounds the problem.
I am wondering if rejection could be at the base of it all, or at least a big part of the problem. It has been a big issue in my life.
From early childhood, I felt rejection:
My dad rejected me. I still remember the pain as an 8 or 9 year old when my mom said he felt I was too old to get hugs and/or kisses from him. And other than a hug when I graduated from high school, he never hugged or touched me again, other than when I got spanked. And I still remember hurtful comments he made that made it clear I was a failure and disappointment.
My peers rejected me. I went to a Christian school all my life, and was bullied and picked on from late elementary up through my sophomore year. It kind of died out after that, though I got picked on again in Bible college. I remember going to a church for a missions program where kids from different schools were singing in a combined choir. I was the only boy from our school to go, and I was probably around 13-14. Some of the boys from the other schools talked to me and I had a hard time carrying on a conversation. Maybe for two reasons. One, was I wasn't used to boys my age being nice to me. The second: I think even at that point, I was attracted to other boys and didn't know what was going on.
After elementary, I had no friends. No one came and sat by me. I never hung out with anyone at school, much less out of school. Church was no different. There were no boys who sat by me and talked to me.
I never got along with my cousins. They either picked on me, or some of them ignored the fact that I was getting bullied. I still remember how much I got made fun of when I started taking piano lessons in my teens...... and the 2 cousins closest my age joined in.
When the sister closest to me in age got her drivers' license, she and my other sister would go shopping and just wherever.... the times I tried to go, they didn't want me to go along, so I sat at home and read books. When my youngest sister was dating, I would sometimes try to go with her and her boyfriend when they went shopping.... and I get the dating thing, but still.... shopping - and they didn't want me to go.
There are other cases.... rejection has stayed with me. Even with as many sexual experiences I have had, I have never approached another guy for sex, even when I was where it was encouraged..... because I fear rejection. I never even add people as friends on facebook because I fear rejection.
And in a way, my parents are rejecting me in general. I get the idea that I have to live up to what they expect for them to love and accept me..... they could never deal with the real me. That is why I fake being a Christian when I'm not.
I said all that to get to my point. I do believe I have a hard time believing God loves me because I grew up feeling so much rejection and feeling that no one liked me. But I've been thinking. I give up so easily when it seems God isn't answering my prayers, or when it seems He doesn't care.... and I wonder if rejection plays into my relationship with God. As I have stated before, I don't view God as a Santa Claus, but when I look at my life, it seems He ignores my prayers.....and basically rejects me.
Whether or not He is rejecting me, it plays into my whole rejection phobia/problem. I can't put into words how I truly view myself and feel about myself, but suffice it to say its low and not pretty, and I fear people see what I see... I have a hard time pursuing friendships, rarely reach out to people and feel like I am bugging them when I do, even with something as simple as an email or text message..... I think its very likely that has carried over to God. Until recently, I never really put it into thought that I feel rejected by God... unloved, and uncared by.....yes.... but now that I have put some thought into it, yes I do feel rejected by God. I feel like I am bugging Him when I pray about things, and then when He seemingly ignores my request.....how do I deal with that? I go further into myself when I am rejected and try to avoid those who reject me, but how does one avoid God?
I have theories about why I find it so difficult to stay a Christian. I don't think its necessarily gay related. There are a lot of people dealing with that who overcome it and stay true to God. I think I'd have that problem if I wasn't gay. The gay issue just compounds the problem.
I am wondering if rejection could be at the base of it all, or at least a big part of the problem. It has been a big issue in my life.
From early childhood, I felt rejection:
My dad rejected me. I still remember the pain as an 8 or 9 year old when my mom said he felt I was too old to get hugs and/or kisses from him. And other than a hug when I graduated from high school, he never hugged or touched me again, other than when I got spanked. And I still remember hurtful comments he made that made it clear I was a failure and disappointment.
My peers rejected me. I went to a Christian school all my life, and was bullied and picked on from late elementary up through my sophomore year. It kind of died out after that, though I got picked on again in Bible college. I remember going to a church for a missions program where kids from different schools were singing in a combined choir. I was the only boy from our school to go, and I was probably around 13-14. Some of the boys from the other schools talked to me and I had a hard time carrying on a conversation. Maybe for two reasons. One, was I wasn't used to boys my age being nice to me. The second: I think even at that point, I was attracted to other boys and didn't know what was going on.
After elementary, I had no friends. No one came and sat by me. I never hung out with anyone at school, much less out of school. Church was no different. There were no boys who sat by me and talked to me.
I never got along with my cousins. They either picked on me, or some of them ignored the fact that I was getting bullied. I still remember how much I got made fun of when I started taking piano lessons in my teens...... and the 2 cousins closest my age joined in.
When the sister closest to me in age got her drivers' license, she and my other sister would go shopping and just wherever.... the times I tried to go, they didn't want me to go along, so I sat at home and read books. When my youngest sister was dating, I would sometimes try to go with her and her boyfriend when they went shopping.... and I get the dating thing, but still.... shopping - and they didn't want me to go.
There are other cases.... rejection has stayed with me. Even with as many sexual experiences I have had, I have never approached another guy for sex, even when I was where it was encouraged..... because I fear rejection. I never even add people as friends on facebook because I fear rejection.
And in a way, my parents are rejecting me in general. I get the idea that I have to live up to what they expect for them to love and accept me..... they could never deal with the real me. That is why I fake being a Christian when I'm not.
I said all that to get to my point. I do believe I have a hard time believing God loves me because I grew up feeling so much rejection and feeling that no one liked me. But I've been thinking. I give up so easily when it seems God isn't answering my prayers, or when it seems He doesn't care.... and I wonder if rejection plays into my relationship with God. As I have stated before, I don't view God as a Santa Claus, but when I look at my life, it seems He ignores my prayers.....and basically rejects me.
Whether or not He is rejecting me, it plays into my whole rejection phobia/problem. I can't put into words how I truly view myself and feel about myself, but suffice it to say its low and not pretty, and I fear people see what I see... I have a hard time pursuing friendships, rarely reach out to people and feel like I am bugging them when I do, even with something as simple as an email or text message..... I think its very likely that has carried over to God. Until recently, I never really put it into thought that I feel rejected by God... unloved, and uncared by.....yes.... but now that I have put some thought into it, yes I do feel rejected by God. I feel like I am bugging Him when I pray about things, and then when He seemingly ignores my request.....how do I deal with that? I go further into myself when I am rejected and try to avoid those who reject me, but how does one avoid God?
Friday, April 5, 2013
How the Church Should Speak About Homosexuality: 10 Commitments
I did not write this, but found it at churchleaders.com. I thought it was good enough to share, so I am putting it on here. Original article is here, and it was written by Kevin DeYoung.
Of the many complexities involving the church and homosexuality, one of the most difficult is how the former should speak of the latter.
Even for those Christians who agree homosexuality is contrary to the will of God, there is little agreement on how we ought to speak about homosexuality being contrary to the will of God. Much of this disagreement is owing to the fact there are many different constituencies we have in mind when broaching the subject.
There are various groups that may be listening when we speak about homosexuality, and the group we think we are addressing usually dictates how we speak.
Should we be defiant and defensive or gentle and entreating? Yes and yes. It depends on who is listening.
All seven scenarios above are real and not uncommon. And while some Christians may be called to speak to one group in particular, we must keep in mind that in this technological day and age anyone from any group may be listening in. This means we will often be misunderstood.
It also means we should make some broad basic commitments to each other and to our friends and foes in speaking about homosexuality.
Here are 10 commitments I hope Christians and churches will consider making in their heads and hearts, before God and before a watching world:
1. We will preach through the Bible consecutively and expositionally that we might teach the whole counsel of God (even the unpopular parts) and to avoid riding hobby horses (even popular ones).
2. We will tell the truth about all sins, including homosexuality, but especially the sins most prevalent in our communities.
3. We will guard the truth of God’s word, protect God’s people from error and confront the world when it tries to press us into its mold.
4. We will call all people to faith in Christ as the only way to the Father and the only way to have eternal life.
5. We will tell all people about the good news of the Gospel, that Jesus died in our place and rose again so we might be set free from the curse of the law and be saved from the wrath of God.
6. We will treat all Christians as new creations in Christ, reminding each other our true identity is not based on sexuality or self-expression but on our union with Christ.
7. We will extend God’s forgiveness to all those who come in brokenhearted repentance, everyone from homosexual sinners to heterosexual sinners, from the proud to the greedy, from the people-pleaser to the self-righteous.
8. We will ask for forgiveness when we are rude, thoughtless or joke inappropriately about homosexuals.
9. We will strive to be a community that welcomes all those who hate their sin and struggle against it, even when that struggle involves failures and setbacks.
10. We will seek to love all in our midst, regardless of their particular vices or virtues, by preaching the Bible, recognizing evidences of God’s grace, pointing out behaviors that dishonor the Lord, taking church membership seriously, exercising church discipline, announcing the free offer of the Gospel, striving for holiness together and exulting in Christ above all things.
Of the many complexities involving the church and homosexuality, one of the most difficult is how the former should speak of the latter.
Even for those Christians who agree homosexuality is contrary to the will of God, there is little agreement on how we ought to speak about homosexuality being contrary to the will of God. Much of this disagreement is owing to the fact there are many different constituencies we have in mind when broaching the subject.
There are various groups that may be listening when we speak about homosexuality, and the group we think we are addressing usually dictates how we speak.
- If we are speaking to cultural elites who despise us and our beliefs, we want to be bold and courageous.
- If we are speaking to strugglers who fight against same-sex attraction, we want to be patient and sympathetic.
- If we are speaking to sufferers who have been mistreated by the church, we want to be apologetic and humble.
- If we are speaking to shaky Christians who seem ready to compromise the faith for society’s approval, we want to be persuasive and persistent.
- If we are speaking to liberal Christians who have deviated from the truth once delivered for the saints, we want to be serious and hortatory.
- If we are speaking to gays and lesbians who live as the Scriptures would not have them live, we want to be winsome and straightforward.
- If we are speaking to beligerent Christians who hate or fear homosexuals, we want to be upset and disappointed.
Should we be defiant and defensive or gentle and entreating? Yes and yes. It depends on who is listening.
All seven scenarios above are real and not uncommon. And while some Christians may be called to speak to one group in particular, we must keep in mind that in this technological day and age anyone from any group may be listening in. This means we will often be misunderstood.
It also means we should make some broad basic commitments to each other and to our friends and foes in speaking about homosexuality.
Here are 10 commitments I hope Christians and churches will consider making in their heads and hearts, before God and before a watching world:
1. We will preach through the Bible consecutively and expositionally that we might teach the whole counsel of God (even the unpopular parts) and to avoid riding hobby horses (even popular ones).
2. We will tell the truth about all sins, including homosexuality, but especially the sins most prevalent in our communities.
3. We will guard the truth of God’s word, protect God’s people from error and confront the world when it tries to press us into its mold.
4. We will call all people to faith in Christ as the only way to the Father and the only way to have eternal life.
5. We will tell all people about the good news of the Gospel, that Jesus died in our place and rose again so we might be set free from the curse of the law and be saved from the wrath of God.
6. We will treat all Christians as new creations in Christ, reminding each other our true identity is not based on sexuality or self-expression but on our union with Christ.
7. We will extend God’s forgiveness to all those who come in brokenhearted repentance, everyone from homosexual sinners to heterosexual sinners, from the proud to the greedy, from the people-pleaser to the self-righteous.
8. We will ask for forgiveness when we are rude, thoughtless or joke inappropriately about homosexuals.
9. We will strive to be a community that welcomes all those who hate their sin and struggle against it, even when that struggle involves failures and setbacks.
10. We will seek to love all in our midst, regardless of their particular vices or virtues, by preaching the Bible, recognizing evidences of God’s grace, pointing out behaviors that dishonor the Lord, taking church membership seriously, exercising church discipline, announcing the free offer of the Gospel, striving for holiness together and exulting in Christ above all things.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
6 misconceptions about homosexuality by Alan Chambers
another borrowed article:
Here is another "borrowed" article I ran across on churchleaders.com, this one by Alan Chambers. Original article here.
Here is another "borrowed" article I ran across on churchleaders.com, this one by Alan Chambers. Original article here.
To most heterosexual Christians, the idea of being attracted to your own sex is mystifying. Unimaginable. Not natural. Why on earth would anyone…? And then comes the day when you discover that a long-time friend or a close relative is homosexual. After your initial shock, you wonder how this could have happened. Did he (or she) wake up one morning and discover he was gay? Was he born that way? Can he change? Surely, he’s not happy being like that.
Your next reaction might be: What do I do now? Do I treat him (or her) as I’ve always treated him? Do I shun him? Do I accept him and his homosexuality? Do I urge him to repent or burn in hell forever?
Face it, if you’re like most Christians, you’re really puzzled by homosexuality…and yet you do care about that loved one, that coworker, that neighbor. You want to reach out in some way…but how?
The very first step is to become knowledgeable. So before we do anything else, let’s clear up six key misconceptions most Christians have about homosexuality.
I became aware of some of these mistaken ideas and the resulting wrong attitudes shortly after I joined the pastoral staff of Calvary Assembly of God, a megachurch in Orlando, Florida, in 1999. When the church hired me, everyone thought it was a great thing. I was well respected at Calvary for my leadership and for my testimony of coming out of homosexuality. It was an obvious ministry opportunity for the church and for me. I can’t be sure, but I believe that at the time there were some who were thinking, Calvary has a wonderful ministry to gays, and now Alan will handle all of it in his office Monday through Friday, from nine to five.
Neat and tidy. Yes, everyone was glad I was going to be addressing the issues of sexual brokenness in our community—but even happier that they weren’t going to have to be the ones to do it.
That wasn’t exactly my plan. I firmly believe that healing for homosexuals (in fact, for all who sin) comes from being open and transparent in a community of believers, otherwise known as the local church. I wasn’t just going to offer underground counseling restricted to my office, and I certainly didn’t intend to keep the ministry all to myself. Ministry often means getting your hands dirty, getting in the trenches, and helping hurting people in need. That’s the job of the church—all of the church. We each come as we are, find healing in the community of believers, and then give back to those who are where we once were.
What better place for a gay man or lesbian woman to be on a Sunday morning than in a Bible-believing, grace-living church?
And one reason this is so vital as it relates to ministry to homosexuals is that when we minister to gays and lesbians, we begin to notice one common trait many of them share: Most people dealing with strong, same-sex attractions struggle with shame and a fear of being fully known.
Healing comes when we adopt Christ’s heart and attitude and learn to apply that to how we feel about ourselves. When I learned more about what God thought about me than what others thought, it was liberating. I found that I was able to walk into a room, fully transparent with my head held high. If someone rejected me because of my past—and some did—that hurt, but it no longer had the power to hinder me. My ministry at Calvary was to use that model for those seeking my help in being set free from homosexuality.
So when I started going on TV talk shows, writing articles, and being very public with my ministry at Calvary, some church people got nervous. I’ll never forget the Sunday morning when one prominent church member stopped me in the aisle and said, “Alan, what do I tell Sister Helen when the gays you’re ministering to start coming to church and sitting next to her in the pew?”
Flabbergasted, I took a deep breath and began to say something when our senior pastor tapped me on the shoulder and acknowledged that he would take that question for me. Directing some passion and rebuke toward this good member he said pointedly, “Aren’t we called to minister to homosexuals, too? What better place for a gay man or lesbian woman to be on a Sunday morning than in a Bible-believing, grace-living church?”
With that answer, my pastor nodded his head in affirmation toward me and walked off. I turned to the church member, smiled rather proudly, and said, “I guess that’s what you and Sister Helen can do when the homosexuals start coming.”
Today, Calvary has a thriving and full-time Exodus ministry housed on church property. The members and staff have embraced it, and many in the Christian community have sought to duplicate that model in their respective churches.
The attitude of that dear church member is one of the first misconceptions we need to dispel: that homosexuals are somehow worse sinners than anyone else. To be truthful, the sins of a gay man and woman are really no worse in God’s eyes than your sin. For some, that’s hard to imagine. But when we understand that any sin is loathsome to God, then we see that he (or she) who has broken even the least of God’s commandments is guilty of breaking all of them (James 2:10).
Myth 1: Homosexuality Is the Worst of All Sins
This then, is the first of the six key misconceptions anyone reaching out to gays must grasp: that there’s some sort of hierarchy of sins from God’s perspective. In the generally accepted hierarchy, at the bottom are sins that we personally have made peace with, such as lying, gluttony, cheating, and love of money. At the top, we find the more unpalatable sexual sins like pedophilia, adultery, and, no surprise, homosexuality.
There is no biblical evidence to support this rating of sins. And even if there was a hierarchy to sin, the fact is that Jesus would have still had to die on the Cross to save us had there been one great sin or only one small one. Jesus said that to break even one of God’s laws is to be guilty of breaking them all. Wow! That banishes any idea of castigating a homosexual because his or her sins are “worse” than ours, doesn’t it?
We must stop trying to make ourselves look or feel better by presuming that someone else’s sins are more disgusting than ours. All sin is disgusting in light of God’s holiness. And the Bible says in Romans 3 that none of us is righteous. No not one.
When speaking publicly to Christians about the issues surrounding homosexuality, I always allow time for questions and answers. Inevitably, someone will try to point out that homosexuality isn’t just a sin but an abomination. Translated, what they’re really saying is, Homosexuality is worse than anything else. And further translation reveals yet another meaning: Pat me on the back; your sin is worse than mine is.
It’s true that homosexuality is abominable to God. The Hebrew Bible uses the word toeva (abomination/hatred) to describe how God feels about homosexuality. However, that word is also used to describe how God feels about adultery. And in Proverbs 6:16-19, we see seven other vices that are also linked with the word toeva in the original text:
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
I don’t know about you, but my guess is that the above list levels the sin playing field quite a bit. I can look at these verses and see more than one abomination that I’ve struggled with as a fallible human—apart from my (former) homosexuality. Thank You, God, for Your redeeming grace. Thank You, God for Your gift of Jesus. Thank You, God for forgiveness.
Too often, I think we’re so insecure about the work of grace in our own lives that we construct a false hierarchy of sin to assuage the guilt we feel over the daily sins we commit. The remedy to that guilt isn’t comparing our sins with the sins of others. God never wants Christians to walk around with a defeatist attitude over sin. The weight of all our sins was lifted at the Cross and manifests in our lives at the point of salvation. Once we come into a lifesaving knowledge of Jesus Christ, we should no longer be walking around feeling guilty. When we grasp this, we will no longer think less of those whose sin we don’t understand.
My homosexual sin wasn’t measured against your respective sin. My homosexual sin was measured against the righteous, sinless life of Jesus. We all fall short through our particular sins because we fail to measure up to the real standard: Christ. So as you look at the issue of homosexuality in light of how sinful it is, realize that it’s just as sinful as any sin you have committed, big or small. Sin is sin, and Jesus came to bear all of it.
Myth 2: Homosexuality Is a Choice
A second major mistake many Christians make is to assume that homosexuality is just a choice—that people wake up one day and decide to prefer their same sex in a physical way, thus making them homosexuals. Or perhaps they are “lured” into homosexuality by someone older and more entrenched.
I haven’t ever met anyone who woke up one morning and simply decided, out of life’s great big buffet, to be gay. I don’t think such a choice has ever been made. When we make this false assumption, we invalidate the complexities of this issue and undermine an individual’s struggle with it by assuming that same-sex attractions can be chosen like someone chooses to wear brown shoes rather than black ones. Such assertions are offensive and insulting.
Homosexuality is multicausal in that there are numerous factors and issues that over the course of years cause someone to develop same-sex attractions. These factors start most often before a child is old enough to walk or talk, long before he or she has any understanding about sex. This is why the “born that way” theory is so popular among the pro-gay crowd.
The truth is that people don’t choose to feel gay any more than people choose to feel straight. Our sexuality happens without much input from us. Healthy developmental factors, such as being raised in a home with a mom and dad who love one another and are physically, emotionally, and spiritually involved with one another and with their children are foundational to a positive, heterosexual identity. But added to that is the fact that we live in a fallen world and so even the best families—even many Christian families—face struggles that can contribute to a child developing homosexual feelings.
I know that surprises many people. The idea that a child raised in a solid Christian home may have homosexual attractions is very hard for some parents to understand. Sadly, when this happens, these parents often spend too much energy blaming themselves and/or rejecting their child without going further to understand.
Also key to homosexual development is how growing children perceive themselves. What clues are they receiving about their identities from their home environment, their relationship with one or both parents, and with their peers? All this and more impacts a child’s development toward (or away from) healthy sexual identity.
Personality plays a role, as well. In fact, when asked about an inherent link to homosexuality, I often cite personality. After all, God created us with a personality that’s unique to each one of us…and yet sometimes our personality traits and strengths do have similarities with others. For instance, over the years I’ve found that many homosexuals have similar personalities and giftings. This falls in line with what I said about how a child perceives him- or herself.
In my case, for example, I was the youngest of six children, all with the same parents. Now, I don’t want to rag on my folks, but they will be the first to tell you that we had our fair share of dysfunction. Yet none of my siblings responded to that dysfunction the way I did. They were affected, but their struggles manifested differently than mine did.
Labels also contribute to heterosexual struggles. If you call a kid gay who is already gender insecure (like most prepubescent kids) long enough, he (or she) will probably begin to question the reality of his sexuality. I was a very confused kid. I hated sports, my dad and I didn’t connect relationally, and I honestly perceived myself as more of a girl than a boy. I was different than my brothers and far more interested in being with my sisters and mom. Kids picked up on that and quickly labeled me a mama’s boy, a sissy, and ultimately, a fag.
I didn’t know what a fag was at first. When I found out, it struck me to my core, confirming what I was becoming. By this time, I had been molested by an older boy. I desperately longed for male attention. I daydreamed about being a girl and having a boyfriend to spend time with. Yes, everything was set in motion for me to assume a gay identity. In reality, what I needed was what God created me to need: an affirming, character modeling, loving relationship with my dad. In fact, that’s what my homosexual journey was always about—finding a man to love me. Sex was just the means to an end.
Myth 3: Homosexuality Is All About Sex
What is the third important misconception about homosexuality that needs to be dispelled? The mistaken idea that homosexuality is primarily about sexual attraction and acting on those attractions. In reality, homosexuality has its roots in a wrong reaction to a legitimate need: the need to be loved and affirmed by the same-sex parent…and, ultimately, by God.
My friend Christine Sneeringer often says that even though sex is right in the middle of the word homosexuality, sex has little if nothing to do with the core of the issue. Truth be told, I wasn’t in need of sex when I began struggling with homosexuality at the age of 11. And I certainly wasn’t looking for sex.
I needed love. Affirmation. Acceptance. I wanted to be normal. I craved what God created me to crave: healthy, same-gender relationships, first with my dad and then with my peers. I needed these healthy relationships to grow and mature just as seedlings need water to grow into great oaks.
I learned about sex from an older teenage boy in my neighborhood who molested me when I was ten. Already confused about my masculinity, or lack thereof, this encounter reinforced my belief that I was different. It also introduced me to the most popular counterfeit to intimacy: sex.
Myth 4: Homosexuality Is Genetic
Listening to the way Hollywood portrays and the media reports on homosexual issues, you’d think that it has been absolutely proven that being gay is completely genetic.
Wrong.
But let’s consider for a moment that such an idea is true. Would that mean that genetic predispositions to behavior are the sole determinant of behavior? For instance, there is reportedly a genetic link to alcoholism. Yet people overcome that battle every day. I know many men and women who once were in bondage to alcohol and now live in freedom from that addiction. The same with drugs, lying, stealing, and you name it.
The truth is we are all fallen creatures: genetically, physically, emotionally, sexually, and in every other way imaginable. So even though there is currently no proof—despite numerous studies conducted over the past 50 years—that homosexuality is genetic, let’s suppose that one day such proof is found. What then?
First Corinthians 6:11 is one of my all-time favorite verses, and one that I’ve clung to since I first read it 15 years ago. In reference to the homosexuality that had existed among the Corinthian Christians before they came to Christ, it says, “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
I love this verse that gives evidence to the realization that for more than 2000 years God has been changing and freeing those who seek Him and are committed to a lifestyle of obedience and self-denial.
So what if a gay gene is eventually found?
I wrestled with this question during the early days of my healing and determined that if a gay gene was discovered, it would not alter my course—homosexuality is still not an option. The misery that homosexuality brings does not trump the happiness found in Christ—gay gene or no gay gene. Perhaps the discovery of a gay gene would simply help me understand more about myself and why I battled something so complex. Homosexuality is not simplistic and has no easy answers or quick fixes, no matter what its origin.
If it is genetic, that doesn’t mean we must surrender to it. As my friend Dr. Neil Whitehead says in his book My Genes Made Me Do It, “Our genes aren’t meant to be a tyranny over us, determining everything that we do.”
On a similar note, my wife, Leslie, and I have two adopted children. Having read more than a dozen books on the subject, nearly every author has stated related to behavior that it doesn’t matter what the genetic or biological predispositions of the child are because the environment the child is raised in plays a far more significant role in determining how the child will turn out. Development can make or break genetic behavioral patterns.
Look, just because something is genetic doesn’t make it healthy, optimal, desirable, or right. No group would ever advocate for the special rights of alcoholics. And who in their right mind would encourage others to become alcoholics or to celebrate their alcoholism? Genetics aren’t meant to be used as justification for sin.
Genetics simply aren’t as significant as we make them out to be. And apparently, all of those who have overcome alcoholism, homosexuality, drug addiction, and other life-dominating struggles prove that point. My favorite example of this was a television commercial for Rogaine for Women—a treatment for female baldness. On the commercial, they made the statement that Rogaine for Women was stronger than genetics to overcome baldness. Hey, if Rogaine can overcome genetic baldness then certainly God can and will help people overcome homosexuality…should it ever be proven it’s genetic.
Seriously, I think our answer to the question of genetics should be in the form of another question: “Who cares if it is genetic?” Science should never be used to try to trump God’s Word.
Myth 5: 10 Percent of the Population Is Gay
The 10 percent figure began as a misinterpretation of studies done in the 1940s by sexologist/entomologist Alfred Kinsey and his associates. Scholars like Dr. Judith Reisman and Edward Eichel have challenged Kinsey’s research methodology as flawed (he used an unspecified percentage of college student volunteers and convicted sex offenders) and therefore believe his statistics were faulty. A series of studies from 1989 through 2000 show different figures for the real proportion of exclusively homosexual individuals in America: about 2 to 3 percent.
This is not to diminish the problem. Every gay man or woman or youth—no matter what the actual number or percentage—represents a cherished person for whom Christ died. The important number to remember is that 100 percent of us are sinners.
Myth 6: Marriage or Dating Will Fix a Homosexual
If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone suggest that dating and/or marrying a member of the opposite sex can help someone overcome homosexuality, I would be a rich man. Like I said in Myth 3, homosexuality isn’t about sex; it’s about unmet needs. Homosexuality isn’t an inability to relate to the opposite sex; it’s an inability to relate properly and healthily to the same sex.
There are thousands of horror stories and testimonies of men and women who have gotten married in hopes that their same-sex attraction would go away, only to find that marriage compounded their problem. So many marriages have been devastated by this issue. The great news is that we have witnessed many such broken or damaged marriages restored.
Long ago, I decided that before I could ever think about dating, let alone marriage, I needed two years of complete emotional and sexual sobriety under my belt; I needed more than behavior modification. I needed real change. That gave me the freedom to focus solely on my healing and my relationship with the Lord without any distractions.
It was just over two years after I found freedom from the remnants of my emotional struggles that I began dating Leslie. I have given this advice of waiting to others time and time again and witnessed its success firsthand. Never advise someone coming out of homosexuality to seek marriage right away. Encourage him or her to have a protracted time of healing before any thoughts of marriage are even discussed.
There is no rush to get married. In fact, many who come out of homosexuality may never get married. That doesn’t make them less heterosexual, less masculine, or less feminine. I know so many godly single men and women who are incredible examples of healthy masculinity and femininity. Relating sexually to someone of the opposite gender is not a requirement—or a proof—of wholeness.
Grappling with and dispelling these six misconceptions go a long way toward understanding the needs of the men and women and youth you want to reach. But even having done so, reaching homosexuals with Christ’s invitation to come to Him is still going to be difficult. After all, the gay community has its own misconceptions about Christ and Christians that they must deal with if they want to make an informed decision.
Are You as Committed?
I believe that we, the church, need to take a page out of the pro-gay playbook. It’s ironic, I know…but the gay community is organized, focused on their mission, and most of all, passionately committed to making homosexuality acceptable at all costs. Can you say the same of your commitment? Are you as committed to winning the gay community for Christ as they are committed to changing your opinion about homosexuality? Hopefully, the answer is yes. But if you’re not quite ready to take that stand, please read on.
Part of our problem in the church is apathy—and not just regarding homosexuality. I think too often we pay attention to just what’s in front of us, tending to our own affairs with an “if it ain’t right in front of me causing extreme discomfort, I don’t have time for it” mentality.
I’ve thought about this a lot. And I’ve prayed for some catalyst to force Christians to care and to take action. Sadly, one of the strongest motivations to get involved may be related to the way the homosexuality issue is being played out in the lives of our youth and children. Preschoolers are now taught that homosexuality is normal. And the effect is that polls show more support among younger adults for gay marriage than among older adults who have not been exposed to efforts to mainstream homosexual behavior.
The truth is we shouldn’t need a crisis to get us interested in fulfilling the Great Commission to share the gospel of Jesus. Getting energized to fight homosexuality as an “issue” may seem worthy, but we shouldn’t let that become more important than praying for the souls of the lost and hurting—and doing something positive to help homosexuals who want out of their captive lifestyles.
Along with becoming educated about homosexuality, we need to do some personal soul searching and reprioritizing of our goals. Our number one goal as Christians should always be to love souls. Everything we do must boil down to that primary, God-given desire.
-EXCERPTED from: God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door. Copyright (c) 2006 by Alan Chambers. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR.
Used by permission.
Used by permission.
Alan Chambers is the President of Exodus International. His own decision to leave homosexuality more than fourteen years ago gives him tremendous insight as he addresses this difficult issue in churches, colleges, and various public forums around the world. Alan has been interviewed by Time magazine, ABC’s 20/20, MSNBC’s Buchanan & Press ,and ABC’s Nightline. He was listed in Charisma magazine as one of the top Christian leaders who represent the future of the American church. Alan and his wife, Leslie, make their home in Orlando, Florida and are the parents of a son and daughter.
Too focused on the gay
I've had this thought before, and decided to try to put it into words on here. I believe that people who are gay/dealing with same-sex attractions are guilty of the same thing, whether it be someone who is all in to being gay, or someone who is fighting it. They become too focused on the gay.
For the person not fighting it, all too many jump on every gay cause there is. There is a gay agenda and a gay cause. As it has been said, what people do in the bedroom is their own business, but all too many gay people don't want to keep it there. It becomes what and who they are, their life revolves around the fact that they are gay, so they march in parades, they fight to get special rights, they try to indoctrinate kids as young as Kindergarten that it is OK and to explore their sexuality. Nothing else matters, just being gay, and gay causes. The heterosexual doesn't do that. Their life doesn't revolve around the fact that they are straight.... but the gay person does. Life is so much more than your sexuality.
And we people who fight it and don't want to be gay do the same thing. We focus 24/7 on not being gay, on how to fight it, on how we wish we were normal. And don't get me wrong, we do need to fight it. It is a struggle that is harder than anyone can imagine if you never dealt with it..... but I fear we get so focused on the gay issue in our life that we get lost in it. Our aim in life should be to serve God and be more like Jesus. It has been said that the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, it is holiness. And I think that is correct. If we would spend more time trying to be holy, as God is holy, of loving God with all our heart, we might get somewhere faster. Oh, the gay struggle will be there, may always be there, but I can't help but believe that if we focused as much on becoming more like Jesus and on being holy, the sexual struggle would be easier. And it goes for any struggle/sin/temptation. If the devil can get us to focus on the problem, to see how big the mountain is, the battle will be harder. We will spin our wheels.
Unfortunately for me, the gay issue is just part of the problem for me. My views of God and how He feels about me are so messed up that they make the sexual struggles worse. I'm not sure I want to be like Him, and it seems He lets me fall on my face, watches me go down for the last time instead of throwing me the life saver......I've wondered what it would be like if I could have the right relationship with God that I need. One where I loved Him and believed that He loved me. I do think it would make the struggle easier. It would make it easier to say no to temptation.
And it can apply to any issue we face. The more we focus on the issue or struggle, the bigger it gets, and we can make it bigger than God.
Being gay isn't what or who someone is. That is just part of them. And we would do well to remember that whether we embrace it, or fight it.
For the person not fighting it, all too many jump on every gay cause there is. There is a gay agenda and a gay cause. As it has been said, what people do in the bedroom is their own business, but all too many gay people don't want to keep it there. It becomes what and who they are, their life revolves around the fact that they are gay, so they march in parades, they fight to get special rights, they try to indoctrinate kids as young as Kindergarten that it is OK and to explore their sexuality. Nothing else matters, just being gay, and gay causes. The heterosexual doesn't do that. Their life doesn't revolve around the fact that they are straight.... but the gay person does. Life is so much more than your sexuality.
And we people who fight it and don't want to be gay do the same thing. We focus 24/7 on not being gay, on how to fight it, on how we wish we were normal. And don't get me wrong, we do need to fight it. It is a struggle that is harder than anyone can imagine if you never dealt with it..... but I fear we get so focused on the gay issue in our life that we get lost in it. Our aim in life should be to serve God and be more like Jesus. It has been said that the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, it is holiness. And I think that is correct. If we would spend more time trying to be holy, as God is holy, of loving God with all our heart, we might get somewhere faster. Oh, the gay struggle will be there, may always be there, but I can't help but believe that if we focused as much on becoming more like Jesus and on being holy, the sexual struggle would be easier. And it goes for any struggle/sin/temptation. If the devil can get us to focus on the problem, to see how big the mountain is, the battle will be harder. We will spin our wheels.
Unfortunately for me, the gay issue is just part of the problem for me. My views of God and how He feels about me are so messed up that they make the sexual struggles worse. I'm not sure I want to be like Him, and it seems He lets me fall on my face, watches me go down for the last time instead of throwing me the life saver......I've wondered what it would be like if I could have the right relationship with God that I need. One where I loved Him and believed that He loved me. I do think it would make the struggle easier. It would make it easier to say no to temptation.
And it can apply to any issue we face. The more we focus on the issue or struggle, the bigger it gets, and we can make it bigger than God.
Being gay isn't what or who someone is. That is just part of them. And we would do well to remember that whether we embrace it, or fight it.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Why do I even want to be a Christian?
I asked a sincere question a couple of years ago on a forum on a Christian site. I stated that I have always struggled to believe God loves me, and asked how one can overcome that. I got this wonderfully helpful reply (heavy sarcasm intended): "if you don't believe God loves you, then why do you even want to be a Christian?" I was a bit put off by the answer, as I was being sincere and it is a big issue for me, but the guy had a point. If I can't believe God loves me, why DO I want to be a Christian?
There are a few things I believe has affected me in this area:
1) Getting picked on so much as a kid and the bad self esteem that came with that, made me think no one liked me. I do believe that affected my view of how God felt about me too - if no one liked me, then why would He?
2) Relationship with my dad. I'm in my early 40's and still feel like my dad disapproves of me, that I am a disappointment to him, and I still doubt he love me. With all this "God is our Father" stuff, it would make sense that I'd feel that way about God also
3) "Fire and brimstone" preaching. I really can't remember many sermons growing up about God's love. I sat in many a service, especially camp meetings and revival services, where preachers would try to scare people into going to the altar. Yes, scare. They would preach a convicting message, often talking about hell in it - which we do need to talk about it - then have an altar call and keep saying "this is the last verse unless someone comes", and then the best part: scary stories or statements, such as these:
"God has revealed to me that for someone in this service, this will be your last chance to make things right with God. Come, before it is too late"
And there were stories of people who should have gone to the altar, and didn't, and then were killed the next week or month. Every minister at these services seemed to have a whole arsenal of these kind of stories.
I don't remember God's love being emphasized during these altar calls. Just His wrath. The idea that if you didn't go to the altar, He was going to "get you". So often I'd go. I was up and down a lot spiritually as a teen - wow, so much has changed - and I was easily influenced into going to the altar, usually scared into going to the altar, more like it.
There was always something in me that wanted to do right, but my relationship with God was always based on a fear of hell, and of making my family happy. I know my parents well enough to know what life would be like if I just admitted I wasn't a Christian and walked away from the church. I'd deal with sermons, lectures, crying, warnings of eternal doom...... they would not be these parents who just love their unsaved kids and pray for them without making a scene. So I march on through life trying to serve a God I don't believe cares about me, so I will avoid hell and make my family happy.
But I can't imagine not playing this part. Even at my worst, I rarely listen to secular music of any kind, never read secular books. I can't imagine not listening to the Christian music groups I listen to, nor reading the Christian authors I like so well. It doesn't make sense, I admit it 100%.
There are times I'd like to just forget it all and throw myself 100% into the gay lifestyle, find a guy to have a relationship with, and all that...... yet, I fear I'd never come back, and again - I can't deal with my family's reactions if I did that. Not to mention how much I disagree with the gay agenda - and there is one.
I don't pray much nowadays, but I was praying the other night about this love issue. I was telling God how much of a struggle it is, begging Him to help me somehow, to intervene in my life and show me He loves me....... and I said this, "I have a hard enough time believing my earthly father loves me, do you have any idea how hard it is for me to believe that You do, who I've never seen and you never even do what my earthly father does - provide help?" I know God is not a Santa Claus, but I've seen and heard so many stories of how He has helped people, often miraculously, yet it seems He ignores my problems and cries for help.
I've never felt I loved God, which we are commanded to do so.......how does one love God they cannot see and who seems absent when they so desperately need Him?
I worry that I'm a lost cause. That maybe its too late, maybe it has always been too late. Is it possible for someone to be so messed up that they can never truly get right with God?
I had a lot of time to think yesterday, and one thing I was thinking about was ways to kill myself that I'd have time to try to make peace with God, if that is possible. Other than AIDS or a fast killing cancer, I haven't come up with much, and AIDS doesn't always kill fast nowadays. And I have no plans of doing anything like that at this point, but if life stays like this, it may become an option some day.
I'm in my early 40's, and all I can see is failure and wreckage in my past. The future isn't looking any better. I don't want to live another 30 years struggling spiritually, dealing with the gay crap, being lonely, struggling to find a job that I can do and that will support me enough to live...... that is no way to live, but that is my life, and I see no hope of it changing any time soon, if ever.
I've really been feeling hopeless lately. Part of it is from my job not working out, but there is more to it than that. Life is just such a disappointment, and I am such a failure.
There are a few things I believe has affected me in this area:
1) Getting picked on so much as a kid and the bad self esteem that came with that, made me think no one liked me. I do believe that affected my view of how God felt about me too - if no one liked me, then why would He?
2) Relationship with my dad. I'm in my early 40's and still feel like my dad disapproves of me, that I am a disappointment to him, and I still doubt he love me. With all this "God is our Father" stuff, it would make sense that I'd feel that way about God also
3) "Fire and brimstone" preaching. I really can't remember many sermons growing up about God's love. I sat in many a service, especially camp meetings and revival services, where preachers would try to scare people into going to the altar. Yes, scare. They would preach a convicting message, often talking about hell in it - which we do need to talk about it - then have an altar call and keep saying "this is the last verse unless someone comes", and then the best part: scary stories or statements, such as these:
"God has revealed to me that for someone in this service, this will be your last chance to make things right with God. Come, before it is too late"
And there were stories of people who should have gone to the altar, and didn't, and then were killed the next week or month. Every minister at these services seemed to have a whole arsenal of these kind of stories.
I don't remember God's love being emphasized during these altar calls. Just His wrath. The idea that if you didn't go to the altar, He was going to "get you". So often I'd go. I was up and down a lot spiritually as a teen - wow, so much has changed - and I was easily influenced into going to the altar, usually scared into going to the altar, more like it.
There was always something in me that wanted to do right, but my relationship with God was always based on a fear of hell, and of making my family happy. I know my parents well enough to know what life would be like if I just admitted I wasn't a Christian and walked away from the church. I'd deal with sermons, lectures, crying, warnings of eternal doom...... they would not be these parents who just love their unsaved kids and pray for them without making a scene. So I march on through life trying to serve a God I don't believe cares about me, so I will avoid hell and make my family happy.
But I can't imagine not playing this part. Even at my worst, I rarely listen to secular music of any kind, never read secular books. I can't imagine not listening to the Christian music groups I listen to, nor reading the Christian authors I like so well. It doesn't make sense, I admit it 100%.
There are times I'd like to just forget it all and throw myself 100% into the gay lifestyle, find a guy to have a relationship with, and all that...... yet, I fear I'd never come back, and again - I can't deal with my family's reactions if I did that. Not to mention how much I disagree with the gay agenda - and there is one.
I don't pray much nowadays, but I was praying the other night about this love issue. I was telling God how much of a struggle it is, begging Him to help me somehow, to intervene in my life and show me He loves me....... and I said this, "I have a hard enough time believing my earthly father loves me, do you have any idea how hard it is for me to believe that You do, who I've never seen and you never even do what my earthly father does - provide help?" I know God is not a Santa Claus, but I've seen and heard so many stories of how He has helped people, often miraculously, yet it seems He ignores my problems and cries for help.
I've never felt I loved God, which we are commanded to do so.......how does one love God they cannot see and who seems absent when they so desperately need Him?
I worry that I'm a lost cause. That maybe its too late, maybe it has always been too late. Is it possible for someone to be so messed up that they can never truly get right with God?
I had a lot of time to think yesterday, and one thing I was thinking about was ways to kill myself that I'd have time to try to make peace with God, if that is possible. Other than AIDS or a fast killing cancer, I haven't come up with much, and AIDS doesn't always kill fast nowadays. And I have no plans of doing anything like that at this point, but if life stays like this, it may become an option some day.
I'm in my early 40's, and all I can see is failure and wreckage in my past. The future isn't looking any better. I don't want to live another 30 years struggling spiritually, dealing with the gay crap, being lonely, struggling to find a job that I can do and that will support me enough to live...... that is no way to live, but that is my life, and I see no hope of it changing any time soon, if ever.
I've really been feeling hopeless lately. Part of it is from my job not working out, but there is more to it than that. Life is just such a disappointment, and I am such a failure.
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