I am in my early 40's and have never become what I call an established Christian. And by that, I mean someone whose relationship with God is fairly steady, no regular falls into sin, and stays on their feet spiritually for the most part. Even before I started having sex with guys and got into pornography, I never could get a real relationship with God. I'd try to serve Him, them give up - a vicious cycle that has been repeated all of my life. Throw being gay and all that goes with it into the mix, that has made it all the harder.
I have theories about why I find it so difficult to stay a Christian. I don't think its necessarily gay related. There are a lot of people dealing with that who overcome it and stay true to God. I think I'd have that problem if I wasn't gay. The gay issue just compounds the problem.
I am wondering if rejection could be at the base of it all, or at least a big part of the problem. It has been a big issue in my life.
From early childhood, I felt rejection:
My dad rejected me. I still remember the pain as an 8 or 9 year old when my mom said he felt I was too old to get hugs and/or kisses from him. And other than a hug when I graduated from high school, he never hugged or touched me again, other than when I got spanked. And I still remember hurtful comments he made that made it clear I was a failure and disappointment.
My peers rejected me. I went to a Christian school all my life, and was bullied and picked on from late elementary up through my sophomore year. It kind of died out after that, though I got picked on again in Bible college. I remember going to a church for a missions program where kids from different schools were singing in a combined choir. I was the only boy from our school to go, and I was probably around 13-14. Some of the boys from the other schools talked to me and I had a hard time carrying on a conversation. Maybe for two reasons. One, was I wasn't used to boys my age being nice to me. The second: I think even at that point, I was attracted to other boys and didn't know what was going on.
After elementary, I had no friends. No one came and sat by me. I never hung out with anyone at school, much less out of school. Church was no different. There were no boys who sat by me and talked to me.
I never got along with my cousins. They either picked on me, or some of them ignored the fact that I was getting bullied. I still remember how much I got made fun of when I started taking piano lessons in my teens...... and the 2 cousins closest my age joined in.
When the sister closest to me in age got her drivers' license, she and my other sister would go shopping and just wherever.... the times I tried to go, they didn't want me to go along, so I sat at home and read books. When my youngest sister was dating, I would sometimes try to go with her and her boyfriend when they went shopping.... and I get the dating thing, but still.... shopping - and they didn't want me to go.
There are other cases.... rejection has stayed with me. Even with as many sexual experiences I have had, I have never approached another guy for sex, even when I was where it was encouraged..... because I fear rejection. I never even add people as friends on facebook because I fear rejection.
And in a way, my parents are rejecting me in general. I get the idea that I have to live up to what they expect for them to love and accept me..... they could never deal with the real me. That is why I fake being a Christian when I'm not.
I said all that to get to my point. I do believe I have a hard time believing God loves me because I grew up feeling so much rejection and feeling that no one liked me. But I've been thinking. I give up so easily when it seems God isn't answering my prayers, or when it seems He doesn't care.... and I wonder if rejection plays into my relationship with God. As I have stated before, I don't view God as a Santa Claus, but when I look at my life, it seems He ignores my prayers.....and basically rejects me.
Whether or not He is rejecting me, it plays into my whole rejection phobia/problem. I can't put into words how I truly view myself and feel about myself, but suffice it to say its low and not pretty, and I fear people see what I see... I have a hard time pursuing friendships, rarely reach out to people and feel like I am bugging them when I do, even with something as simple as an email or text message..... I think its very likely that has carried over to God. Until recently, I never really put it into thought that I feel rejected by God... unloved, and uncared by.....yes.... but now that I have put some thought into it, yes I do feel rejected by God. I feel like I am bugging Him when I pray about things, and then when He seemingly ignores my request.....how do I deal with that? I go further into myself when I am rejected and try to avoid those who reject me, but how does one avoid God?
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