April thoughts

April is almost over. Next month, I turn a year older. I'm not dreading that as much as the anniversary I have coming up in June. June marks the 5-year anniversary of what I look at as my becoming a complete failure. The date I moved back to my home state and temporarily moved in with my parents....... 5 years of temporary, 5 years of life in limbo, 5 years of trying to find a full time job so I can get my own place again, 5 years of my stuff in storage, some of it slowly being destroyed by just being in a storage unit.

I've got a soundtrack playing in my mind. It plays over and over, and says the same things: you are a failure, you're not even a real man, a real man would have a decent job and and a family, a real man would have a decent car and house, God doesn't care about you, no one really likes you, you might as well kill youself - you're going to hell anyway, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, you're ugly, you're fat, if people knew the real you they would run as fast as they could, you'll never get a decent job, you have no skills, only guys that live with their parents at your age are miserable failures, if something would happen to your parents there is no way you could stand on your feet and you'd end up on the streets, if you live til you're old you will die lonely..... and similar stuff, but those are the most common. Over and over, day in and day out. It gets old, but I've gotten tired trying to shut it out. It all seems true, and it is stuff I believe, maybe thats why it won't stop. I truly believe I have failed and can see no way out.

I have read a couple of really good books lately about God's love, and the authors had a lot of good things to say. I read them, like what they say, but to think they apply to me is a different matter, and seems impossible. It's like the songs I listen to. I love the words but find myself thinking "yeah, right" to some of the songs. I can't believe. I can't trust God.

I have felt a pull towards God lately that I hadn't felt for a few months, but what is the use in going back to Him right now? I'd cave the first time the devil looked at me.

The depression is back pretty bad. I don't think I ever got over it. I just keep it down better at times than others. There is like a darkness inside of me that scares me. I used to think I'd never kill myself, but only the fear that I'd drop into hell if I did it is stopping me. The idea keeps going through my head to do it in June.... that is when it will be 5 years marking my failures, and when my money will most likely run out...... I still don't think I'd go through with it, but the desire to die is stronger most days than the desire to live. Life looks hopeless, lonely, without color or anything to live for. I don't want to get old. I'm already a freak, still single at my age. I'm already lonely.... what will it be like when I'm in my 60's? I already have a hard time finding work I can do... that can only get worse as I get older. What do I have to look forward to, being a Walmart greeter?

I still feel guilty when I see people like Nick Vujicic, but yet I envy him. No, I don't want to lose any of my limbs, much less have none of them, but there's a guy with no arms or legs and he is popular, has done stuff I can't do with all of my limbs, and he is married.. something I can't accomplish with all my limbs.

Last night, I was thinking and wondered if one of my biggest mistakes when I moved back, was trying to find a job where I didn't have to work Sundays. I still believe Christians should try not to work Sundays, and as bad as I want to quit church completely, know I need to be there, but God sure didn't seem to honor me for trying to honor His day... if I hadn't put no Sunday work on all of those applications, maybe I would have had a decent job instead of being unemployed and depressed.

Granted I haven't tried as hard as I should to find work on a regular basis. I will get depressed and not look for a few days. In fact, I am most depressed after looking through job ads. I feel so stupid, unskilled, and hopeless.. is it any wonder I dread looking for work?

I'm sick of pretending. Of saying "fine" when people ask me how I'm doing at church......but who would want to be around me if I said the truth? If I said the truth, my parents would either drag me to the altar, since it cures all, or lock me up. Actually, it would be the first. They would just think I needed a trip to the altar.

One thing is different with this depression than before: When I was depressed before, I had to force myself to read, something I love. This time around, it isn't the case, at least so far. I have been able to lose myself in reading, and block the real world out, so that is a small blessing.

Some days, I just want to toss it all aside and live the gay lifestyle 100%. I never will. I am a coward even in that area, so I will continue to live in two worlds for now, not liking either one.