Homosexuality Is Not Me, by Matt Moore

Matt Moor impresses me. Yes, he messed up, but he got back up and is again serving God. It can't be easy with a public fall - thats one advantage I have over him. When I fall and give in, no one knows. Anyway, I really liked his most recent post. He said so much better what I tried to say recently, so I am pasting it here with the link to the post, which is here.


Last night while talking with a friend on the phone, I really felt that the Lord was urging me to tell him that he needed to stop focusing so intently on his same sex feelings– his mind and heart was so occupied with his feelings that his view of God and himself was being severely skewed. I told him that his confusion, depression and anger were all stemming from the fact that homosexuality was on the big screen in his heart 24/7, not Jesus. As soon as I said this, I knew without a doubt that the Lord was talking to me too.
For as long as I can remember, my life has been dictated by my attraction toward the same sex.

• In middle and high school, my thoughts and actions were constantly centered in on suppressing my abnormal feelings and making sure people didn’t suspect that I was gay.
• In college, my thoughts and actions were constantly centered in on figuring out how I could go about fulfilling these desires, discretely, without being publicly broadcasted as gay.
• Then from age 19-21, my thoughts and actions were consumed with being gay– I came out and was loud, proud and unashamed.

What I realized in my conversation last night was that when I began to follow the Lord in 2010, homosexuality–neither in the general or personal sense– was really on my mind….for the very first time in my life. Of course I talked about it when the occasion arose and I listened to different sermons on the subject, but on an hour to hour basis I wasn’t zeroed in on this thing– but on Jesus. I experienced so much freedom from the power of sin for the first year and a half after my conversion. Pornography was almost a non issue and lust was so easy to turn from. My growth in the knowledge of the Lord was on the rise—and the peace in my soul really did surpass my understanding. Not only did I know that I was new and I was free—but I felt new and free. Jesus was the object of my focus and I desired to run toward Him… and as I did, the filth of this flesh was falling off of my renewed inner man with every leap and bound.

In January of this year, I didn’t even notice how subtly homosexuality started to replace Jesus on the big screen in my heart. As I started to share about more of my personal struggles and journeys with this issue on my blog, the traffic to my site started to explode. In what seemed like an instant I was doing interviews with Christian magazine websites and radio talk shows, got signed on with a literary agency to do a book, then a Christian speaking agency—all on top of dozens of emails a day from men and women asking for my advice pertaining to their own struggles in this area. Because my articles got so much attention when I wrote on this subject, I felt like everything I wrote had to be centered in on things of this nature. Most of my time began to be taken up with thinking about, talking about, writing about, and praying about homosexuality. One might look at my life and see the amazing opportunities the Lord was giving me (and He was)–but in reality, the True Life in me was draining every day. For the past 8 months I’ve wrestled with sexual sin (porn) vigorously—and have fallen into it almost weekly. I’ve been so tired, in every sense of the word. I’ve been depressed, lethargic and unmotivated. I haven’t been able to see any real purpose in my life.
I have forgotten my real purpose…my real identity.

Once again, I’ve felt and lived a life dictated by this thing–this homosexuality. Which depresses me. Don’t get me wrong, my flesh loves the attention that I get in regard to this and the things I say about it. The praise of men is enticing. But even amidst that, I don’t want homosexuality to be me. I don’t want people’s first thought when hearing my name or seeing my face to be “oh that abstinent gay guy”——-I want them to think… “Jesus”

My true identity is all wrapped up in Jesus Christ— not this thing I’ve entangled myself in. How many times have I told people that homosexuality does not have to define them? Countless times.. countless! Yet I’ve fallen for the lie myself. The enemy wants us to get all wrapped up in the wrong things—even if we have kind of the right motives while getting wrapped up in them. My over-focus on homosexuality has been in part out of my desire to help other people who struggle with it…. but how in the world do I think I’m going to help people learn to look past this weakness to the bigger picture of Jesus Christ if I myself am so intently focused on the wrong thing too?

I think that I’ve also been using my focus on homosexuality as a defense mechanism—because deep down I feel inadequate compared to other guys, because of these feelings that I have. I think that subconsciously I tell myself that if I do lots of big Kingdom things and because of those things lots of people are saved and strengthened, then other people won’t think less of me. In some way, I’ve tricked myself into believing that doing bold things, like writing and speaking about homosexuality, make up for the “lack” in my “manliness” due to my same sex attractions. But that’s all a lie.
I may be a man of weakness, but In my weaknesses I will boast because it’s in those things that Christ makes Himself strong for all to see. I am a man who may be different from other men, but I am not any lesser than they—grace empowers me to be and do more for the Kingdom of God than most men ever would. I’m not going to view my self as lesser than others because I’m different than others—-but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post. I just want to encourage whoever’s reading this to not let your mind and affections get all caught up in your weaknesses, failures, or even specific ministry avenues. Get caught up in Jesus. That’s where the real Life is. That’s where the worth, love and identity is.

I’m going to keep striving to help people who are caught up in this sin. I’m going to continue to write on it. But I am not, from this point forward, going to let myself believe that I am defined by this. Homosexuality is a thorn I suffer, yes. God has given me the ministry of helping those who also suffer, yes. I must think about this thing and pray for myself and others in regard to this, yes. But in all that, homosexuality is not me. My identity, who I am at the core of my being, is defined by God….nothing else. I am more than my weaknesses. I’m not going to pretend that I fully know exactly who I am, in relation to Christ… but I know that only in setting Him as the focal point of my journey in this life will I ever find out. But of this much I’m sure—-Matt Moore is much more than what he thinks that he is, not because of any good thing he’s done….. but because in Christ, God has made him more than he ever deserved to be.