Would I want my relgion?

I was driving somewhere the other day and had a weird thought come to me, or maybe just a weird way of looking at something. If I wasn't in the church and didn't know much about being a Christian, and some other guy had my Christian experience and all that goes with it, would I want what I saw in him? The answer would be a resounding "no!" Here is what I'd see in that guy:

A lack of peace
Doubts of God's love
A guy who finds reading the Bible a chore
A guy who finds praying a chore, and doubts any of his prayers will get answered
A guy whose religion seems to revolve around rules
A lot of confusion
Loneliness
A feeling of not belonging at church
A feeling of not belonging anywhere
A guy who leads a double life
A lack of trust in the God he tries to serve
Someone who has a very distorted view of God
Someone who feels very few people care about his problems and issues
Someone who serves God mostly out of fear and to please family
A person who when he is in victory, lives like God is just waiting for an excuse to kick him out

     If I thought more, I could probably add to that list, but it covers my Christian experience and church experience pretty well. If I was new to the church and Christianity, and that is what I saw in the average Christian, there is no way I'd want anything to do with being a Christian.

   I took that thought further. Is it no wonder I can't stay on my feet spiritually? Is it any wonder I give up so easily and go back to the sex and porn? Homosexuality is a very difficult thing to deal with. Unless you have been there, you cannot relate. It is hell.... but as I look at my Christian experience, I have to wonder if it is my biggest issue. Yes, its hard to not lust after other guys. Yes, its hard not to give into porn and sex, especially after long periods of doing those things. Yes, its lonely being gay and trying to live for God...... very lonely. But...... if those things in that list were flipped around, would I fall as easily? Would the gay crap pull me down without much of a fight? If I truly believed God loved me, if I truly had peace and trusted God, if I served Him out of love instead of fear and duty........I'm no theologian, and no expert in anything, but I think I'm correct.

  The sad things is,  I don't want my own Christian experience. I don't, yet every time I repent, I try to live the experience I described above, only to weary of it, and with the pull of sinful fun, I cave oh so easily.

   And here is the rub: How do I throw all of that out? It seems God lets me down time after time. I know.... God never fails us, but how do you cope when your faith is so weak and it seems like He is failing?

  I don't mean to diminish the gay struggle. Even if I got all that stuff out of the way, it would still be a major struggle to live the way I should, but in thinking it out, I do believe it would be easier to say no. Easier to not give into temptation. It is a nice scenario, but not sure if I can ever get there.