It has been ages since I posted anything upbeat and positive, and I apologize. If you're wanting upbeat, skip this post. I did start this blog with the intention of talking about same-sex attractions and my battle with the issue, but it seems I am down more than up, and this blog is a place where I can put my thoughts out without everyone who knows me reading it.
Lately I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I honestly don't know where to go from here, but feel like I am ready to snap. The depression has never gone away completely, I have just managed it better at times, but it is coming back with a vengeance. I think about suicide a lot, especially after job searching. I still have no plans to do it, but wish a lot and think about how I'd do it, and I can't say I would never do it. I'm just so tired of it all.
God: I really don't know if I can ever trust God and believe He loves me and cares about me. I've tried so many time and failed so many times. It truly seems like He ignores me once I repent. Its like I'm on my own. I don't expect Him to give me everything I ask for, and answer every prayer the way I expect, but why not some of them? For a long time, I've felt that no matter how hard I try, God would never let me into Heaven anyway.
My living situation: This June will mark 5 years since I moved back to my home state after moving away for two years. 5 years since I put most of my belongings in a storage unit and moved in with my parents. I hate it. I really hate it.
Oh, I am thankful they allow me to stay here til I get a job that will support me enough to get my own place again, but that doesn't make it enjoyable. I have no privacy. My "bedroom" is part of the furnished basement. I have no door, just a sheet to pull over when I dress or sleep. My bed is a sofa bed with the springs bulging, not a comfortable place to sleep. I have no privacy. I can't read or do anything without my parents being around, talking to me, watching me..... it sounds like a paradox, but as lonely as I am, I can never be alone.
My mother especially is really suspicious and controlling of me. There are times I just want to get out of the house but have no good reason to go, so I just stay here. Its easier than battling questions and suspicions. Thing is...... if I want to have sex with guys, I will do it, no matter how closely they monitor my activities and where I go.....but its easier to capitulate and just stay here. With being jobless, I have to watch my money, so there really isn't anywhere I can go to be alone anyway..... I would like to get a motel room again for a few hours and use the guise of job hunting, but I can't really afford that. I just don't have enough alone time, and I hate it.
These 5 years of living with my parents have been rough. I have never had much self confidence, but its shot completely now. I hate being so dependent on my parents, but the only way out is to get a good enough job that I can get my own place again, but that seems hopeless and impossible.
It sounds bad to admit how badly I need time away from my parents, but its true. Every few months, they will go away overnight to visit one of my sisters that doesn't live close. I never go along - they wonder why - but its because I treasure time away from them. I love it when they even go away for a few hours shopping or whatever.....and I can relax and be alone.
Even today.... both parents are home and I'd love to get away, but where..... I hate it.
I have become so accepting of crap, for lack of a better word. A guy my age should feel more free to be me.... but life is literally a prison.
Work: I've said it before, but no one gets me in this area - maybe any area. I am scared to death about work - its almost a phobia. I am scared I will get a job that I can't do and will get fired. I'm scared to work a job where there are a lot of men for fear I will get bullied and picked on.
I honestly don't think I'm good at anything. I liked working in a bookstore, but they don't pay enough, and I have applied at some with no luck.
More than one person has said I should apply at banks, but I don't think I'm smart enough, plus most banks run credit checks on people before they hire them, and my credit is shot.
When I look at job postings, it just seems hopeless. Anything I am interested in you need experience. If I ever do kill myself, it will probably be after job searching.... that is when I am most depressed. More than anyone would ever understand.
All I have ever worked have been minimum wage jobs, and that isn't enough to live on my own, unless I eat Ramen noodles for every meal and never go anywhere...... but I feel so stupid and unskilled to do anything else. A part of me even feels I am undeserving of a good job. I find myself thinking a guy like me could never get that job, and similar thoughts. Getting any job scares me, but trying for anything out of my comfort zone terrifies me.
The gay issue: Most days I wish I could just dive into it completely. Find a guy to love, or try to love.... yet I hate the gay agenda so much, and I'm afraid I could never come back. Truthfully though..... if something would happen to my parents, I'd probably go for it. Most days they are all that keep me from it. I'm a wimp and knowledge of what my family would do and how they'd react keeps me from doing a lot in life.
I was thinking...... would I be any worse off if I had embraced my sexuality way back and tried to have a relationship with a guy? All these years later, I am still struggling with it, and have had sex with so many guys that I can't put a number on it, only a ball park figure.... more than 200, and probably closer to 300. Pathetic. Wouldn't it be better to have been with a few guys than that many?
I'm very lonely, in spite of being stuck with my parents. Loneliness has always been a major factor in seeking out guys for sex. It does help some, and what else do I have? Most guys my age are married, so it isn't like I have guys I can call up to hang with.
Life in general: I seriously doubt my being able to cope with this crap much longer. I feel a deep sense of shame and failure for the way my life has turned out. I hate being around people even at church and avoid being around people when I can... I am so ashamed at the circumstances of my life right now, and that is just what people know about. I wish I could just stay home from church, but again...... easier to avoid a battle with my parents and just go. I even sit in church and think about killing myself, so a lot of good church does me.
Life terrifies me. If people could see me as I really am, they would see a little boy cowering under a desk or covers in the fetal position.... that pretty much covers how I feel.
I've been down before, been depressed before, but this is worse. I have failed, I am a failure, and I can't see a way out..... except death. And death means hell, so I can't go there yet.
I used to wish I was like other boys. That hasn't changed..... I find myself wishing I was like other guys.
If I could just get my own place again, everything else would be easier to handle, but this living with no privacy, no independence..... it has hurt me, maybe even broken me, and contrary to what so many believe: God can't.... or won't - fix some broken people. Sometimes He walks off and lets them shatter into pieces.
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