Thawing, part 2

   Things have still been on an upward trend since I blogged last. My biggest hang-up at this point is porn and masturbation. I know there are people who excuse masturbation, but for me, living a pure life and having a true relationship is going to mean total celibacy, no exclusions even for that.

  In and of itself, I'm not sure it is wrong. Some say it is, but I know myself, and from experience I know that is the start of my falling back into sin. I let myself have sexual release, but its not the same without porn, so I do it with porn, and again, then next I am trolling for sex, and I'm back in the pit. Its the first step down. And that is my main hang up right now. I need to quit, and part of me wants to quit, but a part of me doesn't want to give that up.

  As for the sex, that won't be that hard to give up. Oh, I'll be tempted, I'm not saying that, but not as much as the other 2 issues. I have gone since the middle of September without hooking up for sex. I have tried to a few times with no luck, and was disappointed. Other times, more recently, I was secretly relieved and a few times actually could have met someone and didn't go through with it. And if I did, at this point I would probably feel extreme guilt. I do with the porn.

  I have gotten back into the habit of praying and reading my Bible each night, and lately also a devotional I just bought by Brennan Manning, and I feel weird and guilty when I do that after getting myself off to porn. I feel like I let God down, even though I have yet to repent, and depending on your theology, become a Christian again, or whatever you call it.

  I do feel my views of God are changing. It has been a slow process, and hopefully those views will continue to change. I am definitely at a different place than I have ever been. Normally when I try to quit the sex and porn, I am doing it because I am miserable,  feeling guilty, and feeling like God is about to drop me into hell if I don't repent. I don't feel that.

  I do feel drawn to God, but its not a pushy kind of drawing, but a gentle drawing. I do feel guilt, of course, but not a raging guilt that makes me feel worthless, if that makes sense. I guess I'm starting to feel and believe that God does want me back.

  I love Christmas. I really, really love it, and with it coming so fast, my mind has been on the real meaning of it, and what it means for me. I feel like this might be the best time of the year to take the steps that I need to take, and start off 2014 right. And I don't mean to lessen the ability of God to help me, but I feel winter might be the best time to make a new start anyway. Summer is really hard for me with shirtless guys running all over, and yes, it will still be a temptation and battle, but hopefully not as hard if I have a few months of serving God and battling temptations under my belt.

  Another thing: I am going in with my eyes more open about my failings, if I do mess up. I got some good advice from Matthew, who runs the blog Unicorns, Aliens, and Bigfoot - my post-gay life:
"Don't let old "Red legs" (satan) get you twice. He tempts you to go look at Porn and Mast, but then he makes you feel accused and awkward after. In those moments CHOOSE to run to God. Better to be awkward in daddy's arms than spiritually tortured by the enemy away from God. It's always preferable to run to God before we sin, but if you can't, make a commitment to run to him after."
 
  Great advice, and something I needed to hear. In the past, when I would cave into porn and/or sex, I'd often just give up. Of course, my beliefs are so messed up, that I thought I had to get saved all over at that point, which though I don't believe once-saved-always-saved, I realize I was wrong on that. I would also beat myself up bad about it, feel like God was totally disgusted with me, and it was easier not to go through the long begging process I thought I had to go through to convince Him to forgive me. Like Matthew said, that's all part of the devil's strategy, and I am tired of falling into his lies and plans.

  I don't want to be overconfident about my relationship with God, but I am more convinced than ever that my wrong views of God and my doubts about His love have been the reason I have fallen so easily back into my sins. I'm not saying guys who have got that down better don't have an easier struggle with the sexual temptations, but I do believe it adds a whole new dimension to the battle if you're trying to serve a God like I have been trying to serve most of my life.

  My attitudes toward life have drastically changed over the last few months. I was out shopping today and found myself smiling as I shopped, not that normally go around scowling, but life just doesn't look so hopeless as it has in the past, and I'm not even where I need to be with God. But I am getting there. I would rather it be a slower process, and I truly enter a relationship with God, than to jump into it and give up a few days later.

  There are people who would disagree with me, and that's OK, but I have felt for a while that I needed to start changing my views of God before I attempted a relationship with Him, instead of after. If I go in with my warped views and doubts, its not going to work. However, if I go in with changed views, even changed as much as they are right now, I feel more hopeful of sticking with God. And along with my changed views, are changed reasons. I'm not going into it with the attitude "I don't want to go to hell, please save me." I'm going in with the attitude "I want to have a relationship with you, to live for you and do your will." etc.

  I know a couple of my friends have gotten a bit antsy with me for not taking the plunge, but if I do it before I'm ready and doing it for the right reasons, I have doubts of it lasting. Oh, I could still fall and give up, but hopefully that won't be the case.

  I am getting there, slowly but surely. Please pray for me when I come to mind, I'd really appreciate it.