I am learning lately to toss out some of the thinking that comes naturally, and am slowly beginning to get how patient God is with me. If I talked to the average Christian in my church and other churches about what all is going on in my life, most of them would urge me to pray right now in repentance and to start serving God. The old me would agree. Why wait?
One can draw too many comparisons with the spiritual and non-spiritual, but I had this thought: we don't jump into relationships on earth without getting to know about the person and getting to know them better. There are many who would disagree with me, but should a relationship with God be any different? Sure, there are no bad effects from jumping into a relationship with God, as there can be with humans, but when I have never really "got it" when it comes to a relationship with God, why jump into it when I'm not ready? I would most likely have the same kind of relationship with Him that I had before: Fear, duty, not believing He loves me, etc.
There are a few reasons I am not ready to commit yet:
1) I want to learn more about God and His love. I am making progress, slowly but surely
2) I want to do it for the right reasons. I don't want to feel rushed or pressured. God doesn't rush us
3) This is secondary to the others, but summer is the hardest time of the year for me with temptation. Guys are very visual, and since I am attracted to guys, the less clothes a guy has on, the harder it is to look away. Yes, I will deal with that every summer, but starting out anew with God would be harder in the summer.
As I see it, here are the areas I am going to battle the most when I do take the steps I need to take:
1) Trusting God
2) Believing God loves me. Kind of tied to the first, yet also different
3) Lust
4) Porn - I think that will be harder to beat than the sex. They are both addictions, but....... trying to put this in a way that isn't "too much information" - I get much more sexual release through porn than sex. The sex doesn't happen as often, as its just not always easy with living with my parents
5) Loneliness.
I do believe in a lot of cases, and I know in mine, the sex is more about a connection, of being with/around another guy, getting affection....... if only from a random hook-up. To be honest, the sex doesn't really satisfy. If I can find other, better ways to meet that need in my life, the sex won't be as hard to battle.
The job is going pretty well. I'm still learning things and have to remember it doesn't all come in one day. The other guys are all pretty nice.
I will be starting my regular schedule this week-end, and there is one thing I am not crazy about: I will work every Sunday 6am-2pm. I don't like working Sundays, but EVERY Sunday, and to miss the morning service and Sunday School..... I don't like it, but that could change later. I did have a though on that today, trying to look at the positive: I have had thoughts of stepping away from the church for a while to focus more on God, instead of on church and what the church expects, so this could be a time to do that. I will be able to attend Sunday evenings, but no Sunday mornings for now.
If I can discipline myself to do so, I had a thought about this today. I will be working Fridays-Mondays, having Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays off. I'm not going to go as far as making one of those days my "Sabbath" in place of Sunday, but thought it may be a good thing to set one of those days aside to focus more on God. Read more of the Bible, study it, read in a Christian non-fiction book.
I have a friend I made through this blog site who emails me, does facebook, etc who deals with same-sex attractions. He has talked to me about going to Celebrate Recovery. It isn't specifically for people dealing with same-sex attractions, but all kinds of struggles. I am thinking it might be good to join that, though my parents would want to know where I was going and why, which frustrates me and may cause me to pull back to avoid that. Why can't I have parents who don't have to know what their 44 year old son is up to at all times?!
It seems like I have so far to go. I can see progress in my thinking and beliefs. I have become so much more positive, and less negative. I long to be free, totally free. Not just from the sexual addictions, but from religion instead of a relationship, and free from bondage to religion and what other people expect of me.
It seems like a pretty tall order, to change a lifetime of addiction, bondage, wrong views of God, and anything else that I have dealt with, but if the end result is a real relationship with God, than I have to believe it is worth it.
The story of the prodigal son has been on my mind a lot lately. As I think I mentioned in a previous blog post, the most amazing part of the story is the father. He ran to meet his son. That amazes me when I think about it. Its hard to imagine God running to meet me, when I have felt I had to beg God to take me back. How does one overcome thinking like that? It doesn't happen overnight, but God is helping me.
I hate to end my blog post with two songs, but I have been listening to this first one a lot lately. Its one of those songs I have had on a CD since 2008 but never listened to much til now. There Is Always a Place at the Table. It means a lot to me these days. And who says you have to listen to both or either song? :-)
The second song came to me as I was typing about God running to meet the prodigal. When God Ran. Another awesome song that I need to hear over and over.
There Is Always A Place at the Table
Verse 1
He'd gotten used to living
On the outside looking in
Lonely was his only constant friend.
So when the invitation came
That clearly bore his name
He hardly could believe the words he read.
Chorus
There is always a place at the table
There's a feast that's now waiting all your own
Your place is set each time the family gathers
It will never be the same til you're home.
Verse 2
She'd made so many choices
That had torn her life apart
And hurt the very ones she loved the most.
She didn't even know where someone could begin
Until she got this message from the host.
Chorus:
There is always a place at the table
There's a feast that's now waiting all your own
Your place is set each time the family gathers
It will never be the same til you're home.
Come home, come home.
My child, come home.
There is always a place at the table
There's a feast that's now waiting all your own
Your place is set each time the family gathers
It will never be the same
It will never be the same
It will never be the same til you are home
When God Ran
[Verse 1:]Almighty God, The Great I Am,
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful,
Awesome Lord.
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings,
Mighty Conqueror and the only time,
The only time I ever saw him run,
Was when...
[Chorus:]
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"
He caught me By surprise, When God ran...
[Verse 2:]
The day I left home,
I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,
I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,
It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...
[Repeat Chorus]
He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.
When God ran... I saw Him run to me.
[Bridge:]
I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...
I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"
He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me (When God Ran)
(I saw Him run to me)
And then I ran to Him
(When God ran)
When God ran
Monday, June 24, 2013
Reponse to DJ
My life has been busier lately with going from unemployed, to working 40 hours a week, though next week it will go to 32 hours, as I am filling in for a guy on military leave at the moment. Anyway, I meant to reply sooner to a comment made by DJ, a lady who comments on my blog and has some great input and prayers. I am pasting the comment here, as it has been a week since the comment. The comment is in bold, my reply is not.
I have studied quite a bit about homosexuality and I meant what I said when I said that about God using you! From my studies of the scripture, I think homosexuality is going to be a bigger and bigger issue in our society as we draw nearer to the end. More and more, we need people who can testify boldly (1 Corin. 6:11, Rev. 12:11a) to the power of God for freedom and healing in this particular area.
I have felt at different times in my life that God may want to use me, and my struggles. Maybe that is another reason the devil has fought me so hard. Even though I'm not where I need to be with God yet, I am already willing to do that. My only hang up is family, but don't all Christians need to die out to everyone, even family? Why should I be any different? And if I do die out, then God may want me to "out" myself as dealing with this.
A part of me doesn't care who knows. I have made references to it on my public blog, without naming it out, and post articles about Exodus International, and things written by guys such as Matt Moore and Christopher Yuan who deal with it, so its possible the people who don't know, suspect. And that doesn't worry me.
There is no shame in the struggle. We WILL all struggle with sin of some kind. (Heb 12:4) But a struggle doesn't mean we can't live victoriously, IF we're in love with Jesus. (The biggest surprise for me is I never realized it's a battle to STAY in love with Jesus. Loving Jesus really does require work and that love can cool off fast. No one ever told me that. You really have to PURSUE Him but it IS worth it!)
Very true. And something else the devil has gone overboard to convince me is not true. He has tried to blow my sin up so big, that I believed I could never be completely forgiven, that my sin was so bad that I needed to do more to gain God's forgiveness, yet in God's eyes, sin is sin. And I am beginning to understand how true that is: this IS a battle, but a part of me has expected to not have to battle after I repent. Sounds naive', yet most likely part of the devil's arsenal.
I can tell you really care about your nieces/nephews. Bottom line is they are going to be faced with worse stuff than we've had to deal with. What legacy do we want to leave that generation? What do we want them to believe about God and His Power?
You got that right. Maybe its because I wanted to be a father so badly, and realize it most likely will not happen, but I am closer to them than the average aunt or uncle is to their nieces and nephews. That is one thing that has kept me from diving headfirst into the gay lifestyle and walking away from God and the church.
I've really been meditating a lot lately on the scripture in James - confess your SIN to each other, and pray for each other that you may be HEALED. I've come to a couple of conclusions about this passage.
One is that sometimes we need someone to walk with us and partner with us in prayer when we are struggling with sin.
Secondly, it doesn't say to confess & pray for each other so you can be forgiven. Jesus does the forgiving and I think that's a separation "transaction". ;) It says so you can be HEALED. I think sometimes we have a struggle against a certain sin because of brokenness that needs healing. Jesus forgives but He also is a Healer. I think I mentioned two guys in my church who were set free from alcoholism. Both became alcoholics because of the result of deep childhood pain that came from losing their parents. Their bondage of sin was a result of a brokenness and they both still testify of being continually healed from that brokenness, even tho the bondage to alcohol is now gone. Their deliverance was different, they aren't the same age and come from totally different backgrounds yet they both were slaves to the bottle as a result of brokenness. But, God!
This is part of a devotional I recently read about a woman struggling with an eating disorder:
"I realize that I had feared the opinions of others; I had feared that I would not measure up. I had placed my hope, not in God’s unconditional love, but in controlling my weight.
What began in the eight grade as a week-long diet with a friend became seven years of starvation for me.
For some deep psychological, emotional and spiritual reasons, I kept losing weight. By my senior year of high school, I was five feet, three inches tall and all of seventy-nine pounds.
I was a Christian, desiring to serve God, yet enslaved to food. I was miserable. Night after night I sobbed into my pillow, pleading that God would make me normal.
He answered those prayers slowly and gently. First, he showed me my sin and forgave me. He gave me caring friends to talk to, reassurance from his Word...."
Eventually, she became free from the bondage of her sin which was actually something she needed healing from, even though she couldn't necessarily explain all the emotional/psychological reasons for the pain and struggle.
Anyway. I don't know if I'm conveying what I want to say very well here but I'm just thinking that sometimes our sin is a result of brokenness we can't necessarily explain but we need healing and that can help us become free from the bondage. I think homosexuality falls into this same category. Bottom line is that the answer ALWAYS comes back to Jesus and when we are sincerely seeking Him, He promises to be faithful!
He is patient & loving. He DOES know your heart!
I have found that the more open I am about my struggles, the less hold they have on me - well, when I am trying to do right, but unfortunately, not everyone wants to hear about it, not that I give graphic details. The gay issue just isn't something the average Christian is comfortable talking about, especially if you're in a church where "bad sins" don't seem to exist. I can't imagine standing to my feet and announcing what I struggle with.
There are a lot of things about the gay struggle that are hard, but one of the biggest is loneliness. Its not about sex, not really. And it is a hard reality to face that I won't marry and have kids, that there aren't single friends I can call up and hang out with, that my best friend lives 400 miles away.....
My best friend who also deals with SSA, but has never gone as far as I have with the sex, has expressed frustration with the church before. I share some of his frustrations, that people in the church don't rally more around guys like us, yet I am also realistic enough to know that people are busy, plus its not a sin people are comfortable with. That doesn't mean I don't wish for more fellowship and friendship than I have. It is rough, but maybe if I get serious about this relationship with God issue, who knows what He may do in my life. One thing to remember, is I need to do my part: to be a friend myself, to reach out to others who are hurting. I can't expect others to do what I am not willing to do.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments and prayers.
I have studied quite a bit about homosexuality and I meant what I said when I said that about God using you! From my studies of the scripture, I think homosexuality is going to be a bigger and bigger issue in our society as we draw nearer to the end. More and more, we need people who can testify boldly (1 Corin. 6:11, Rev. 12:11a) to the power of God for freedom and healing in this particular area.
I have felt at different times in my life that God may want to use me, and my struggles. Maybe that is another reason the devil has fought me so hard. Even though I'm not where I need to be with God yet, I am already willing to do that. My only hang up is family, but don't all Christians need to die out to everyone, even family? Why should I be any different? And if I do die out, then God may want me to "out" myself as dealing with this.
A part of me doesn't care who knows. I have made references to it on my public blog, without naming it out, and post articles about Exodus International, and things written by guys such as Matt Moore and Christopher Yuan who deal with it, so its possible the people who don't know, suspect. And that doesn't worry me.
There is no shame in the struggle. We WILL all struggle with sin of some kind. (Heb 12:4) But a struggle doesn't mean we can't live victoriously, IF we're in love with Jesus. (The biggest surprise for me is I never realized it's a battle to STAY in love with Jesus. Loving Jesus really does require work and that love can cool off fast. No one ever told me that. You really have to PURSUE Him but it IS worth it!)
Very true. And something else the devil has gone overboard to convince me is not true. He has tried to blow my sin up so big, that I believed I could never be completely forgiven, that my sin was so bad that I needed to do more to gain God's forgiveness, yet in God's eyes, sin is sin. And I am beginning to understand how true that is: this IS a battle, but a part of me has expected to not have to battle after I repent. Sounds naive', yet most likely part of the devil's arsenal.
I can tell you really care about your nieces/nephews. Bottom line is they are going to be faced with worse stuff than we've had to deal with. What legacy do we want to leave that generation? What do we want them to believe about God and His Power?
You got that right. Maybe its because I wanted to be a father so badly, and realize it most likely will not happen, but I am closer to them than the average aunt or uncle is to their nieces and nephews. That is one thing that has kept me from diving headfirst into the gay lifestyle and walking away from God and the church.
I've really been meditating a lot lately on the scripture in James - confess your SIN to each other, and pray for each other that you may be HEALED. I've come to a couple of conclusions about this passage.
One is that sometimes we need someone to walk with us and partner with us in prayer when we are struggling with sin.
Secondly, it doesn't say to confess & pray for each other so you can be forgiven. Jesus does the forgiving and I think that's a separation "transaction". ;) It says so you can be HEALED. I think sometimes we have a struggle against a certain sin because of brokenness that needs healing. Jesus forgives but He also is a Healer. I think I mentioned two guys in my church who were set free from alcoholism. Both became alcoholics because of the result of deep childhood pain that came from losing their parents. Their bondage of sin was a result of a brokenness and they both still testify of being continually healed from that brokenness, even tho the bondage to alcohol is now gone. Their deliverance was different, they aren't the same age and come from totally different backgrounds yet they both were slaves to the bottle as a result of brokenness. But, God!
This is part of a devotional I recently read about a woman struggling with an eating disorder:
"I realize that I had feared the opinions of others; I had feared that I would not measure up. I had placed my hope, not in God’s unconditional love, but in controlling my weight.
What began in the eight grade as a week-long diet with a friend became seven years of starvation for me.
For some deep psychological, emotional and spiritual reasons, I kept losing weight. By my senior year of high school, I was five feet, three inches tall and all of seventy-nine pounds.
I was a Christian, desiring to serve God, yet enslaved to food. I was miserable. Night after night I sobbed into my pillow, pleading that God would make me normal.
He answered those prayers slowly and gently. First, he showed me my sin and forgave me. He gave me caring friends to talk to, reassurance from his Word...."
Eventually, she became free from the bondage of her sin which was actually something she needed healing from, even though she couldn't necessarily explain all the emotional/psychological reasons for the pain and struggle.
Anyway. I don't know if I'm conveying what I want to say very well here but I'm just thinking that sometimes our sin is a result of brokenness we can't necessarily explain but we need healing and that can help us become free from the bondage. I think homosexuality falls into this same category. Bottom line is that the answer ALWAYS comes back to Jesus and when we are sincerely seeking Him, He promises to be faithful!
He is patient & loving. He DOES know your heart!
I have found that the more open I am about my struggles, the less hold they have on me - well, when I am trying to do right, but unfortunately, not everyone wants to hear about it, not that I give graphic details. The gay issue just isn't something the average Christian is comfortable talking about, especially if you're in a church where "bad sins" don't seem to exist. I can't imagine standing to my feet and announcing what I struggle with.
There are a lot of things about the gay struggle that are hard, but one of the biggest is loneliness. Its not about sex, not really. And it is a hard reality to face that I won't marry and have kids, that there aren't single friends I can call up and hang out with, that my best friend lives 400 miles away.....
My best friend who also deals with SSA, but has never gone as far as I have with the sex, has expressed frustration with the church before. I share some of his frustrations, that people in the church don't rally more around guys like us, yet I am also realistic enough to know that people are busy, plus its not a sin people are comfortable with. That doesn't mean I don't wish for more fellowship and friendship than I have. It is rough, but maybe if I get serious about this relationship with God issue, who knows what He may do in my life. One thing to remember, is I need to do my part: to be a friend myself, to reach out to others who are hurting. I can't expect others to do what I am not willing to do.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments and prayers.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
My big "wow" moment
This is a shorter blog post than usual, as I don't have much time before I need to get ready for work. I just was so wowed by something, that I wanted to share it on here. It has to do with a recent blog post I did, June update. In the blog post, I mentioned reading a book that had really encouraged and convicted me. The author of that book had recently "just happened" on my blog, and read that blog post. I will paste her comment below, but I am so amazed, and it was such an encouragement to me. God does care about us all, even me. The odds of this happening with all the blogs on the web are so slim, it had to be God. He is good indeed. And I am glad she decided to comment.
I've debated whether to leave a comment or not...but I just don't believe in coincidences! A few weeks back I clicked the "next blog" button on a blog I was reading and after a few times doing that, I ended up on your blog. I'm not sure what prompted me to bookmark your blog or to return a couple of times each week to see if there was a new post. I think perhaps it was your honesty and forthrightness about what you're struggling with. Not just homosexuality but your struggles with your view of God as well. Tonight I came to your blog weighed down by my own struggles and discouraged on a lot of fronts. I began to read the most recent one and then continued down, figuring I'd read til I hit the one I last read. When I got to this blog post, I just about fell over in shock. You see, I am the author of the book you mentioned here. Faith, Hope and Love. I had to read that section of your blog a couple of times to make sure I wasn't imagining things. And I even cried a little as I read that God had somehow used the words of such a deeply flawed, struggling person like me, to encourage someone else. Your words have been an encouragement to me, so I'm glad that something I wrote could have encouraged you as well. God works in mysterious ways sometimes! Take care!
I've debated whether to leave a comment or not...but I just don't believe in coincidences! A few weeks back I clicked the "next blog" button on a blog I was reading and after a few times doing that, I ended up on your blog. I'm not sure what prompted me to bookmark your blog or to return a couple of times each week to see if there was a new post. I think perhaps it was your honesty and forthrightness about what you're struggling with. Not just homosexuality but your struggles with your view of God as well. Tonight I came to your blog weighed down by my own struggles and discouraged on a lot of fronts. I began to read the most recent one and then continued down, figuring I'd read til I hit the one I last read. When I got to this blog post, I just about fell over in shock. You see, I am the author of the book you mentioned here. Faith, Hope and Love. I had to read that section of your blog a couple of times to make sure I wasn't imagining things. And I even cried a little as I read that God had somehow used the words of such a deeply flawed, struggling person like me, to encourage someone else. Your words have been an encouragement to me, so I'm glad that something I wrote could have encouraged you as well. God works in mysterious ways sometimes! Take care!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
What does deliverance look like?
I have lost track of the times I have tried to change. Of the times I repented, only to fall again. I'm sure is more than one reason for that. Here are a few:
1) I give up too easily. Not just on this issue, but across the board.
2) I have never had the right view of God, nor believed enough in His love
3) I got too focused on the gay issue, and it isn't the main issue - the main issue is getting the right relationship with God.
There may be others, but those are forefront in my mind when I look at how terribly I have done in this area. Another one has come to mind after something my friend said recently. I don't realize what deliverance looks like.
I wish God would just remove the desires and temptations, but He doesn't, but that pretty much is the case with any sin. The thing is, the devil fights unfairly, and he knows what areas are weak for us, and just because we want to give up a sin, doesn't mean he will stop tempting us to do it with all he has got. I know there is a wide range of opinion on Christians drinking alcoholic beverages. I still believe it is something Christians should not do, but unless they are getting drunk and hanging out in bars, I'm not going to condemn them for it, but for me, it is wrong. Oddly enough though, its not a temptation to drink, or to smoke. Why? Because I'm not even interested in doing so. But porn, lusting after other guys, sex with other guys....... I am all too interested in doing so, so even when I am trying to serve God, the devil is going to tempt me in that area, because I am weak there and have fallen many times before. Alcohol, smoking, even drugs? No contest, no weakness, no temptation.
I have been guilty of giving in to temptation too easily. Oh, there were times I fought it harder than others, but overall, I gave in too easily, didn't try for the "way of escape." A large part of that, I believe, is because in my eyes, I wasn't delivered. If I was, it wouldn't be so hard to fight it, yet that is why it is temptation..... guess I don't always think about these things enough.
The tough reality is that I will most likely be attracted to other guys for the rest of my life. I will most likely be tempted to lust, use porn, and have sex with other guys for the rest of my life. It sounds daunting and discouraging, but if it wasn't that, it would be something else. The devil fights us all with something, and though mine seems bigger and more difficult than a lot of things, I'm sure there are worse things.
I am becoming more and more convinced that the answer lies in having a real relationship with God, something I don't feel I have ever had. And that is why I am slowly working on changing my views of God, of His love, and leaving the gay issue on the back burner for now. I don't believe deliverance will come until I get the other right.
1) I give up too easily. Not just on this issue, but across the board.
2) I have never had the right view of God, nor believed enough in His love
3) I got too focused on the gay issue, and it isn't the main issue - the main issue is getting the right relationship with God.
There may be others, but those are forefront in my mind when I look at how terribly I have done in this area. Another one has come to mind after something my friend said recently. I don't realize what deliverance looks like.
I wish God would just remove the desires and temptations, but He doesn't, but that pretty much is the case with any sin. The thing is, the devil fights unfairly, and he knows what areas are weak for us, and just because we want to give up a sin, doesn't mean he will stop tempting us to do it with all he has got. I know there is a wide range of opinion on Christians drinking alcoholic beverages. I still believe it is something Christians should not do, but unless they are getting drunk and hanging out in bars, I'm not going to condemn them for it, but for me, it is wrong. Oddly enough though, its not a temptation to drink, or to smoke. Why? Because I'm not even interested in doing so. But porn, lusting after other guys, sex with other guys....... I am all too interested in doing so, so even when I am trying to serve God, the devil is going to tempt me in that area, because I am weak there and have fallen many times before. Alcohol, smoking, even drugs? No contest, no weakness, no temptation.
I have been guilty of giving in to temptation too easily. Oh, there were times I fought it harder than others, but overall, I gave in too easily, didn't try for the "way of escape." A large part of that, I believe, is because in my eyes, I wasn't delivered. If I was, it wouldn't be so hard to fight it, yet that is why it is temptation..... guess I don't always think about these things enough.
The tough reality is that I will most likely be attracted to other guys for the rest of my life. I will most likely be tempted to lust, use porn, and have sex with other guys for the rest of my life. It sounds daunting and discouraging, but if it wasn't that, it would be something else. The devil fights us all with something, and though mine seems bigger and more difficult than a lot of things, I'm sure there are worse things.
I am becoming more and more convinced that the answer lies in having a real relationship with God, something I don't feel I have ever had. And that is why I am slowly working on changing my views of God, of His love, and leaving the gay issue on the back burner for now. I don't believe deliverance will come until I get the other right.
Friday, June 21, 2013
The exodus of Exodus
I was disappointed to hear Exodus International is closing down, and the reason for doing so. If you haven't heard, just google about it. I have referenced Matt Moore's blog posts before, though he had quit blogging for reasons that actually make sense - but he has posted his reaction to their closing, and his is the best I have read so far. The link is here, and I will post the article below:
The Exodus of the Gospel From Exodus International
Two months ago I posted a farewell blog post—because I believe that the Lord was leading me into a quieter, and more private, season of life—and He has definitely done so. With that being said, I am incredibly burderned about the things that are going on in the life of the nation-wide church in regard to ministry to people who experience homosexual attractions—and that is why I have decided to post this blog. If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re aware of Exodus Inernational’s apology to the gay community and their announcement of shutting down. If not, please google and read up before you read any further here.
I will preface my thoughts with the fact that I am not and never have been tied to Exodus International. I also have never opposed Exodus International (specifically in regard to this blog). But I have been observant over the past two years of the shifts that have been taking place in the way the leadership of this ministry proclaims the gospel, and more importantly, how those shifts have influenced those within the sphere of the “Faith & Homosexuality” world. I’ve talked with Alan Chambers quite a few times since we first connected in 2010, and I legitimately believe that his desire is to see people live a vibrant life through a relationship with Jesus Christ. But what scares me about the things I’ve been hearing come out of Exodus international (again, not just in the last few days… but the last two years) is that in their well-intended desire to appeal to and identify with the gay community, it seems to me that they have adopted a people-pleasing attitude—-a people-pleasing attitude that is not afraid to sacrifice the central truths of the gospel on the altar of friendship. Central truths like repentance. Now I am not for slinging someone’s sin in their face every chance we get. But when it comes down to it, I would never say, “Well, I’m not God, and it’s not my place to judge your relationship with God” (this statement basically sums up everything that I’ve been hearing come from Exodus for quite some time now) if I know that person is living in unrepentant, habitual sin.
No, we are not God, and we do not have the authority to say that someone will definitely be condmened—-nor do we have authority to say someone will defintely be saved, for that matter. But what we are is believers in God through Christ, who believe the Scripture to be His revealed will and truth, and therefore have the repsonsiblity to lovingly and compassionately be honest with family, friends and even acquaintances about the sobering reality of sin… and what a life of embracing sin will incur for the person.
Realities like:
“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification:that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.”- Ephesians 5:3-6
Now, it is very true that legitimate Christians lapse in their striving for holiness and fall into sin, and even sometimes seasons of sin, such as these listed in 1 Corinthians chapter 6 above: sexual immoarlity, idolatry, adultery, homosexual acts, theivery, greed, drunkenness, reviling and swindling. But the difference between a Christian (who is forgiven for these sins) and an unbeliever (who is not forgiven for these sins) is that one experiences real emotional pain and remorse over their sin…… while the other embraces and even celebrates their sin.
People who experience same sex attractions, like myself, obviously did not choose to experience the attractions. But who on the face of the entire earth, throughout all time, has chosen to feel any sinful feeling or temptation to sin? No one. We don’t choose our sinful inclinations. We are sinful by nature. Meaning that the core of who we are is corrupt, broken and in need of change—–the message that those at Exodus seem to be dumbing down or even outright rejecting when the rubber meets the road. Though we are all made in the image of God, which is a beautiful and glorious thing (which those at Exodus stress), we can’t forget that that image is broken—severely. God didn’t become a man and die to save us because we were just a little flawed. Without the redemption offered in Christ and the accompanying regeneration of the Holy Spirit, we are filthy, evil, rebellious and deserving of an eternity of God’s wrath. Cutting this truth out of the gospel makes the message we are speaking no gospel at all. The good news of salvation and eternal life in Jesus isn’t so good if we think that we are pretty good. No matter how much it hurts or how much emotional pain it causes us, we must believe and embrace the biblical truth of the extent of our sinfulness if we are ever to truly believe and embrace forgiveness in Christ. I totally agree with Alan and others that the church has in the past failed in their approach to people who identify as gay—with name calling and rejection and haughty attitudes. But the solution to the problem is not taking the other extreme of truth-rejection and people-pleasing. The person who identifies as gay must be told that the very centrality of their being is broken by sin, and that their attraction for the same sex is unnatural, and that if they choose to embrace and act out on those attractions (which is a simulatenous rejection of Christ)… they will go to hell. They must be told this…. in love and compassion, with tears flowing and hearts aching….they must be told this. And we must point them to the forgivness and new life (i.e. change, transformation) offered through death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The gospel can not be communicated with ambiguous language. We must be clear on the entire truth, even the parts of it the unbelieving world violently opposes.
What I’m truly scared of, and what is the motivation behind
my writing this, is that the diseased gospel being proclaimed by more and more people with public platforms will result in the false assurance of salvation in thousands upon thousands of hearts. I pray that God would raise up voices, nation wide, that would radically and compassionately defend and proclaim the entire gospel of Jesus Christ.
I will preface my thoughts with the fact that I am not and never have been tied to Exodus International. I also have never opposed Exodus International (specifically in regard to this blog). But I have been observant over the past two years of the shifts that have been taking place in the way the leadership of this ministry proclaims the gospel, and more importantly, how those shifts have influenced those within the sphere of the “Faith & Homosexuality” world. I’ve talked with Alan Chambers quite a few times since we first connected in 2010, and I legitimately believe that his desire is to see people live a vibrant life through a relationship with Jesus Christ. But what scares me about the things I’ve been hearing come out of Exodus international (again, not just in the last few days… but the last two years) is that in their well-intended desire to appeal to and identify with the gay community, it seems to me that they have adopted a people-pleasing attitude—-a people-pleasing attitude that is not afraid to sacrifice the central truths of the gospel on the altar of friendship. Central truths like repentance. Now I am not for slinging someone’s sin in their face every chance we get. But when it comes down to it, I would never say, “Well, I’m not God, and it’s not my place to judge your relationship with God” (this statement basically sums up everything that I’ve been hearing come from Exodus for quite some time now) if I know that person is living in unrepentant, habitual sin.
No, we are not God, and we do not have the authority to say that someone will definitely be condmened—-nor do we have authority to say someone will defintely be saved, for that matter. But what we are is believers in God through Christ, who believe the Scripture to be His revealed will and truth, and therefore have the repsonsiblity to lovingly and compassionately be honest with family, friends and even acquaintances about the sobering reality of sin… and what a life of embracing sin will incur for the person.
Realities like:
“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification:that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.”- Ephesians 5:3-6
Now, it is very true that legitimate Christians lapse in their striving for holiness and fall into sin, and even sometimes seasons of sin, such as these listed in 1 Corinthians chapter 6 above: sexual immoarlity, idolatry, adultery, homosexual acts, theivery, greed, drunkenness, reviling and swindling. But the difference between a Christian (who is forgiven for these sins) and an unbeliever (who is not forgiven for these sins) is that one experiences real emotional pain and remorse over their sin…… while the other embraces and even celebrates their sin.
People who experience same sex attractions, like myself, obviously did not choose to experience the attractions. But who on the face of the entire earth, throughout all time, has chosen to feel any sinful feeling or temptation to sin? No one. We don’t choose our sinful inclinations. We are sinful by nature. Meaning that the core of who we are is corrupt, broken and in need of change—–the message that those at Exodus seem to be dumbing down or even outright rejecting when the rubber meets the road. Though we are all made in the image of God, which is a beautiful and glorious thing (which those at Exodus stress), we can’t forget that that image is broken—severely. God didn’t become a man and die to save us because we were just a little flawed. Without the redemption offered in Christ and the accompanying regeneration of the Holy Spirit, we are filthy, evil, rebellious and deserving of an eternity of God’s wrath. Cutting this truth out of the gospel makes the message we are speaking no gospel at all. The good news of salvation and eternal life in Jesus isn’t so good if we think that we are pretty good. No matter how much it hurts or how much emotional pain it causes us, we must believe and embrace the biblical truth of the extent of our sinfulness if we are ever to truly believe and embrace forgiveness in Christ. I totally agree with Alan and others that the church has in the past failed in their approach to people who identify as gay—with name calling and rejection and haughty attitudes. But the solution to the problem is not taking the other extreme of truth-rejection and people-pleasing. The person who identifies as gay must be told that the very centrality of their being is broken by sin, and that their attraction for the same sex is unnatural, and that if they choose to embrace and act out on those attractions (which is a simulatenous rejection of Christ)… they will go to hell. They must be told this…. in love and compassion, with tears flowing and hearts aching….they must be told this. And we must point them to the forgivness and new life (i.e. change, transformation) offered through death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The gospel can not be communicated with ambiguous language. We must be clear on the entire truth, even the parts of it the unbelieving world violently opposes.
What I’m truly scared of, and what is the motivation behind
my writing this, is that the diseased gospel being proclaimed by more and more people with public platforms will result in the false assurance of salvation in thousands upon thousands of hearts. I pray that God would raise up voices, nation wide, that would radically and compassionately defend and proclaim the entire gospel of Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
June update
Not an eye catching blog post title, but couldn't come up with one. :-)
I started my new job 3 days ago, and am liking it pretty well. It can be a bit mundane, at least the shift I am working for the first 2 weeks, and the paperwork is going to get old, but its a decent job and decent pay. I am hoping it will turn to full time soon, though I will get 32 hours a week, which isn't bad for part time. Ideally, I'd like to have my own place before winter sets in. Whether that will happen or not, remains to be seen. I would really like to be out of my parents' place before Christmas. With my living arrangements, I am really in the way at Christmas.
If one can make progress spiritually and still not have come to God for a new start/conversion, I am making progress. A lot of it is in attitude and outlook. For too long, I had no hope, was depressed, negative, suicidal, constantly putting myself down and expecting the worst. I have been working on doing better in those areas, and have made significant changes. And that was before the job came along. That has helped even more.
I am still reading a verse or two in the Bible each day, usually something about God's love, even if it is John 3:16-17 every other day. I'm not there yet, believing in God's love, but I am slowly inching towards it.
I am coming to realize more and more what a skewed view of God and His love I have, and realizing that is part of the journey towards believing. It sounds almost elementary to say this, but God's love is so much more, so outside of what we think of as love, especially in this modern day when people fall in and out of love so easily, when families fall apart because of resentments, hurt feelings, etc.
The Bible says God is love. It doesn't just say that He loves. If the Bible simply said that, it would be easier to assume He might quit loving, which I have believed. But it says He is love. If He is love, He has to love, for it is very essence and character. It almost sounds crazy to think of all the people who have ever lived, God picked little old me to not love.
Unfortunately for us, the devil is good at what he does. He knows our weak points and that is where he fights us. He saw this was a weak point for me, and it became one of his greatest weapons against me. There is still a part of me that wonders why God hasn't done more to fight against that, but that is something I can't dwell on and will have to throw in the old mystery bag. But then, maybe I haven't been looking in the right places, or overlooked the good things he has placed in my life.
I am also still praying each day, though those prayers are basically that God would help me believe in His love. I also started something new may seem small...... I do try to remain anonymous on here, and though I doubt anyone who knows me would stumble across this blog, I try not to give out too much information, but will say this: I am working in a hospital with my new job. I may not be able to do this on my regular shift when I get it, but every night I have been slipping into the chapel for a few minutes, and just sit there, gazing at the cross on the wall, and soaking up the quiet. Maybe its just me, but God seems a little nearer in that setting.
I read an interesting book this week. It was titled Faith, Hope, & Love by Kimberly Rae Jordan. It sounded like a romance, which I rarely read, but it sounded worth reading, so I got it for 99 cents for my Kindle. Book description:
Six years after Colombian rebels took her missionary husband hostage, Cassie MacIntyre gets word that Quinn has been released and is on his way home. While initially excited to have her husband back, it isn’t long before joy turns to heartache as Cassie realizes that his time in captivity have robbed Quinn of his faith in God and apparently, his love for her. The man who has come back to her is a stranger. Cassie struggles to keep alive the hope that there is a future for their marriage, their family and the love they once shared.
I don't want to give any spoilers away, in case someone decides they want to read the book, but again I am amazed how God can use Christian fiction to speak. Though fictional, the guy in the story, Quinn, gave up his faith in God and was angry and bitter because God allowed him, who was serving God on the mission field, to be held hostage for 6 years. It was an excellent book, but it had a great message that I needed to hear. I have read at least 5 or so books recently, Christian fiction, that dealt with this very issue: trusting God even when things are going terribly wrong.
A lot of my problems with trusting God and believing He loves me lies in that: thinking if He loves me, He should protect me from certain things, He should do this, stop that from happening, and so forth. Like the one book I have referenced, He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobson puts it: I tend to do with the "he loves me, he loves me not" thing with God. I got that job, He loves me. I don't have close friends to hang out with, he loves me not. And all too often, the scales tip in the he loves me not area.
It is obvious that I have a long way to go in this area, but I am slowly getting there. God is so different from us. What an understatement. People will get mad and retaliate often with coldness, ignoring, and more. God isn't like that, yet I have put in Him in the box where I expect Him to act like we do, and He doesn't. He still loves.
A couple of stories that has been on my mind lately: The prodigal son. Someone has said we focus too much on the son in the story, when the story is really about the father. The father knew the son would squander his inheritance and come crawling back, but He still gave it to him and let him go. Then he watched for his return and ran to meet him. Yet I have always felt I had to beg God to take me back, while according to the Bible, He is running to meet me. Wow.
The other story: Peter. Jesus knew he would deny Him. He even told Peter he would. And Jesus forgave Him. Whether you believe in once saved always saved, or believe you can fall away and still miss Heaven after being a Christian, I think both sides would agree that if we do sin, we need to repent. God always forgives, even when He knows we are going to sin/walk away again. Its hard for us to do that. Its hard to have patience with people who keep going back to the same sin/habit time after time. People can give up, but God doesn't. He keeps forgiving, no matter how many times the person goes back to the sin.
The devil had convinced me that I messed up too many times. He had me believing I had gone to the well of God's forgiveness too many times and the well was running dry, but it never runs dry. God hasn't given up on me, and is far more patient with me than I could ever dream.
I've already been more lengthy than I intended to be, but should address the gay area. I'm not making any progress there, and it will sound bad, but I don't have much desire to change right now, though as I stated in a previous blog post, gay isn't the main issue, it is a byproduct, so to speak. If I don't resolve the issue of trusting God and believing He loves me, I will go right back to the sin anyway, so that is kind of on the back burner. I know I need to change in that area, but it isn't my main focus at this point.
Thanks again to anyone who is praying for me. I appreciate it more than you know, and I believe those prayers are helping.
While blogging, a song came to mind that has meant a lot to me. I cried the first few times I heard it, and I need to listen to it more often. It is called "There's Still Hope" and was recorded by Susie Luchsinger, sister to country singer Reba MacIntire:
There's Still Hope (Susie Luchsinger)
Verse 1
A twenty year old boy
He's staring out the window
It's a rainy day and his future don't look bright
The third time in rehab
Folks back home say "Ain't it sad,
He could have done so much with his life"
But his mama keeps on praying every night
Verse 2
An eleven year old girl
Is putting on her ball cleats
At the little league park on Friday night
Softball ain't her favorite sport
But she's not playing for the score
You see her daddy moved out last July
But he still sits with Mama every Friday night
Verse 3
There's a little boy in Jerusalem
He takes off running through the hills
Sometimes he forgets the lines of hate
He sees another boy from the other side
There's one thing running through their minds
Wouldn't it be fun if we could play
As their mamma's rush to grab them
For a moment, their eyes say
Chorus
There's still hope
It's early to give up
The devil's cheering, but so what
There's an angel saying, "no you don't"
Another day, another chance
The strength to change the circumstance
It's alive
If one heart holds on
There's still hope
I started my new job 3 days ago, and am liking it pretty well. It can be a bit mundane, at least the shift I am working for the first 2 weeks, and the paperwork is going to get old, but its a decent job and decent pay. I am hoping it will turn to full time soon, though I will get 32 hours a week, which isn't bad for part time. Ideally, I'd like to have my own place before winter sets in. Whether that will happen or not, remains to be seen. I would really like to be out of my parents' place before Christmas. With my living arrangements, I am really in the way at Christmas.
If one can make progress spiritually and still not have come to God for a new start/conversion, I am making progress. A lot of it is in attitude and outlook. For too long, I had no hope, was depressed, negative, suicidal, constantly putting myself down and expecting the worst. I have been working on doing better in those areas, and have made significant changes. And that was before the job came along. That has helped even more.
I am still reading a verse or two in the Bible each day, usually something about God's love, even if it is John 3:16-17 every other day. I'm not there yet, believing in God's love, but I am slowly inching towards it.
I am coming to realize more and more what a skewed view of God and His love I have, and realizing that is part of the journey towards believing. It sounds almost elementary to say this, but God's love is so much more, so outside of what we think of as love, especially in this modern day when people fall in and out of love so easily, when families fall apart because of resentments, hurt feelings, etc.
The Bible says God is love. It doesn't just say that He loves. If the Bible simply said that, it would be easier to assume He might quit loving, which I have believed. But it says He is love. If He is love, He has to love, for it is very essence and character. It almost sounds crazy to think of all the people who have ever lived, God picked little old me to not love.
Unfortunately for us, the devil is good at what he does. He knows our weak points and that is where he fights us. He saw this was a weak point for me, and it became one of his greatest weapons against me. There is still a part of me that wonders why God hasn't done more to fight against that, but that is something I can't dwell on and will have to throw in the old mystery bag. But then, maybe I haven't been looking in the right places, or overlooked the good things he has placed in my life.
I am also still praying each day, though those prayers are basically that God would help me believe in His love. I also started something new may seem small...... I do try to remain anonymous on here, and though I doubt anyone who knows me would stumble across this blog, I try not to give out too much information, but will say this: I am working in a hospital with my new job. I may not be able to do this on my regular shift when I get it, but every night I have been slipping into the chapel for a few minutes, and just sit there, gazing at the cross on the wall, and soaking up the quiet. Maybe its just me, but God seems a little nearer in that setting.
I read an interesting book this week. It was titled Faith, Hope, & Love by Kimberly Rae Jordan. It sounded like a romance, which I rarely read, but it sounded worth reading, so I got it for 99 cents for my Kindle. Book description:
Six years after Colombian rebels took her missionary husband hostage, Cassie MacIntyre gets word that Quinn has been released and is on his way home. While initially excited to have her husband back, it isn’t long before joy turns to heartache as Cassie realizes that his time in captivity have robbed Quinn of his faith in God and apparently, his love for her. The man who has come back to her is a stranger. Cassie struggles to keep alive the hope that there is a future for their marriage, their family and the love they once shared.
I don't want to give any spoilers away, in case someone decides they want to read the book, but again I am amazed how God can use Christian fiction to speak. Though fictional, the guy in the story, Quinn, gave up his faith in God and was angry and bitter because God allowed him, who was serving God on the mission field, to be held hostage for 6 years. It was an excellent book, but it had a great message that I needed to hear. I have read at least 5 or so books recently, Christian fiction, that dealt with this very issue: trusting God even when things are going terribly wrong.
A lot of my problems with trusting God and believing He loves me lies in that: thinking if He loves me, He should protect me from certain things, He should do this, stop that from happening, and so forth. Like the one book I have referenced, He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobson puts it: I tend to do with the "he loves me, he loves me not" thing with God. I got that job, He loves me. I don't have close friends to hang out with, he loves me not. And all too often, the scales tip in the he loves me not area.
It is obvious that I have a long way to go in this area, but I am slowly getting there. God is so different from us. What an understatement. People will get mad and retaliate often with coldness, ignoring, and more. God isn't like that, yet I have put in Him in the box where I expect Him to act like we do, and He doesn't. He still loves.
A couple of stories that has been on my mind lately: The prodigal son. Someone has said we focus too much on the son in the story, when the story is really about the father. The father knew the son would squander his inheritance and come crawling back, but He still gave it to him and let him go. Then he watched for his return and ran to meet him. Yet I have always felt I had to beg God to take me back, while according to the Bible, He is running to meet me. Wow.
The other story: Peter. Jesus knew he would deny Him. He even told Peter he would. And Jesus forgave Him. Whether you believe in once saved always saved, or believe you can fall away and still miss Heaven after being a Christian, I think both sides would agree that if we do sin, we need to repent. God always forgives, even when He knows we are going to sin/walk away again. Its hard for us to do that. Its hard to have patience with people who keep going back to the same sin/habit time after time. People can give up, but God doesn't. He keeps forgiving, no matter how many times the person goes back to the sin.
The devil had convinced me that I messed up too many times. He had me believing I had gone to the well of God's forgiveness too many times and the well was running dry, but it never runs dry. God hasn't given up on me, and is far more patient with me than I could ever dream.
I've already been more lengthy than I intended to be, but should address the gay area. I'm not making any progress there, and it will sound bad, but I don't have much desire to change right now, though as I stated in a previous blog post, gay isn't the main issue, it is a byproduct, so to speak. If I don't resolve the issue of trusting God and believing He loves me, I will go right back to the sin anyway, so that is kind of on the back burner. I know I need to change in that area, but it isn't my main focus at this point.
Thanks again to anyone who is praying for me. I appreciate it more than you know, and I believe those prayers are helping.
While blogging, a song came to mind that has meant a lot to me. I cried the first few times I heard it, and I need to listen to it more often. It is called "There's Still Hope" and was recorded by Susie Luchsinger, sister to country singer Reba MacIntire:
There's Still Hope (Susie Luchsinger)
Verse 1
A twenty year old boy
He's staring out the window
It's a rainy day and his future don't look bright
The third time in rehab
Folks back home say "Ain't it sad,
He could have done so much with his life"
But his mama keeps on praying every night
Verse 2
An eleven year old girl
Is putting on her ball cleats
At the little league park on Friday night
Softball ain't her favorite sport
But she's not playing for the score
You see her daddy moved out last July
But he still sits with Mama every Friday night
Verse 3
There's a little boy in Jerusalem
He takes off running through the hills
Sometimes he forgets the lines of hate
He sees another boy from the other side
There's one thing running through their minds
Wouldn't it be fun if we could play
As their mamma's rush to grab them
For a moment, their eyes say
Chorus
There's still hope
It's early to give up
The devil's cheering, but so what
There's an angel saying, "no you don't"
Another day, another chance
The strength to change the circumstance
It's alive
If one heart holds on
There's still hope
Saturday, June 15, 2013
To same-sex attracted boys - wait
Ran across this and thought it was pretty good. What is sad, is the other side is encouraging kids as young as 5 to experiment and explore their sexuality, and encourage them to be gay. They would be much better off never exploring homosexuality. Link here.
by Dale O’Leary
June 12, 2012 (LifeSiteNews.com) - While your friends seem obsessed with girls, you are experiencing feelings of attraction to guys. You find yourself fantasizing about being close – really close – to a teacher or macho guy in your school. You long for something more, but it isn’t a girl.
The culture—teachers in your school, the Gay Straight Alliance—is telling you that all this is a sign you were born gay. You might as well accept it and “come out” because there is nothing you can do to change it. That’s how God made you.
But before you act on this advice, take time to look at the facts. You may have heard the claim that science has found a “gay gene.” This is not true. In spite of a lot of looking, no scientist has found anything resembling a gay gene. The head of the human genome project says they have looked and it isn’t there.
Other studies offer conclusive evidence that people are not “born” that way. If same-sex attraction were genetic or caused by some other pre-natal influence then identical twins would virtually always have the same pattern of sexual attraction. In a large sample of identical twins, only 27 pairs were found where one had same-sex attraction, and of these only 3 pairs or 11% both had same-sex attraction. These means same-sex attraction can’t be genetic and so no matter what you are feeling today or how young you were when you first felt different, you were not born that way.
Those who have studied the origins of same-sex attraction don’t believe there is a single cause, rather there are a number of paths that lead to these feelings.
Before you decided to “come out” you can explore how you got to this point.
Many persons who experience same-sex attractions in adolescence were victims of sexual child abuse or sexual exploitation by adults or by other children. Over 40% of persons who self-identify as “gay” say they were victimized as children.3 If this was your experience, you need to deal with this. Having sex with another male won’t heal this wound.
Some victims were so needy and longing for same-sex affection that they felt the abuse was a positive experience, because it was better than their other experiences. They may believe that since they experienced pleasure it means they were “gay.” It doesn’t. It just means their body works. Using a child as a sexual object is never good for the child.
Many men with same-sex attraction did not properly identify with their fathers or with other boys in early childhood. They felt different. Perhaps they identified with their mothers or female playmates, perhaps they were afraid of rough and tumble play, perhaps they lacked athletic ability, perhaps they were interested in art, music, or quiet pursuits.5 This could leave a young boy feeling left out of the male world and longing for masculinity. Such boys do not need to have sex with a male, they need to find their own manhood.
Perhaps you didn’t fit the stereotypes. Perhaps you were teased or even labeled “gay,” but that was a lie. Real men come in all shapes and sizes with all kinds of interests and different levels of abilities. None of these experiences makes you unchangeably “gay.” You just need to find your own masculine identity.
There are other reasons why you shouldn’t “come out.”
Although you may think that coming out means entering into a loving committed relationship with a person who will really meet your needs, too often it means falling into a temporary relationship which, when it dissolves, leaves you more devastated and feeling more lost than you were before.
You may be looking for security, but men who have sex with men end up going from one relationship to another – with all the attendant heartbreak or falling into a pattern of short-term relationships – short-term being an hour or two.
Some adolescent boys fall into prostitution with all the risks of violence, disease and shame. One can hardly be proud of a work history that includes a year or two of hustling or be pleased to end up as the poster boy on some pornographic website.
Disease is a real problem for adolescent males who come out. You may promise yourself that you would never be so stupid as not to use a condom, but the research shows that very few men who have sex with men keep this promise. They suffer from condom fatigue. They have sex when they are drunk or high. They believe a partner who says he is HIV negative, forgetting the score of other sexually transmitted infections the man might not even know he is carrying or that in the heat of passion men often lie. The younger a man is when he begins to have sex with men the greater the risk he will become HIV positive.
Disease is not the only health risk. Persons with same-sex attractions are more likely to have problems with drugs and alcohol. In particular, the use of crystal meth is a real problem for this community and the results are devastating.Not only does crystal meth lead to physical problems and mental problems, it also causes the user to think they are invulnerable and therefore don’t need a condom. This is leading to a rise in HIV infections.
Sex is addictive. Once you begin to have sex with men, you may not be able to stop. You may have programmed your brain for this particular activity.
The good news is that studies show that a majority of those who think they are “gay” in their early teens discover in their 20’s that they are not. They just grow up. Maybe that will happen to you spontaneously, maybe through counseling you will discover where your feelings came from.14 It would be a shame if before that happened you became a sex addict or meth addicted or infected with an incurable disease.
You have a choice. You can explore the origins of your feelings. You can get help to discover your manhood.
You can wait.
by Dale O’Leary
June 12, 2012 (LifeSiteNews.com) - While your friends seem obsessed with girls, you are experiencing feelings of attraction to guys. You find yourself fantasizing about being close – really close – to a teacher or macho guy in your school. You long for something more, but it isn’t a girl.
The culture—teachers in your school, the Gay Straight Alliance—is telling you that all this is a sign you were born gay. You might as well accept it and “come out” because there is nothing you can do to change it. That’s how God made you.
But before you act on this advice, take time to look at the facts. You may have heard the claim that science has found a “gay gene.” This is not true. In spite of a lot of looking, no scientist has found anything resembling a gay gene. The head of the human genome project says they have looked and it isn’t there.
Other studies offer conclusive evidence that people are not “born” that way. If same-sex attraction were genetic or caused by some other pre-natal influence then identical twins would virtually always have the same pattern of sexual attraction. In a large sample of identical twins, only 27 pairs were found where one had same-sex attraction, and of these only 3 pairs or 11% both had same-sex attraction. These means same-sex attraction can’t be genetic and so no matter what you are feeling today or how young you were when you first felt different, you were not born that way.
Those who have studied the origins of same-sex attraction don’t believe there is a single cause, rather there are a number of paths that lead to these feelings.
Before you decided to “come out” you can explore how you got to this point.
Many persons who experience same-sex attractions in adolescence were victims of sexual child abuse or sexual exploitation by adults or by other children. Over 40% of persons who self-identify as “gay” say they were victimized as children.3 If this was your experience, you need to deal with this. Having sex with another male won’t heal this wound.
Some victims were so needy and longing for same-sex affection that they felt the abuse was a positive experience, because it was better than their other experiences. They may believe that since they experienced pleasure it means they were “gay.” It doesn’t. It just means their body works. Using a child as a sexual object is never good for the child.
Many men with same-sex attraction did not properly identify with their fathers or with other boys in early childhood. They felt different. Perhaps they identified with their mothers or female playmates, perhaps they were afraid of rough and tumble play, perhaps they lacked athletic ability, perhaps they were interested in art, music, or quiet pursuits.5 This could leave a young boy feeling left out of the male world and longing for masculinity. Such boys do not need to have sex with a male, they need to find their own manhood.
Perhaps you didn’t fit the stereotypes. Perhaps you were teased or even labeled “gay,” but that was a lie. Real men come in all shapes and sizes with all kinds of interests and different levels of abilities. None of these experiences makes you unchangeably “gay.” You just need to find your own masculine identity.
There are other reasons why you shouldn’t “come out.”
Although you may think that coming out means entering into a loving committed relationship with a person who will really meet your needs, too often it means falling into a temporary relationship which, when it dissolves, leaves you more devastated and feeling more lost than you were before.
You may be looking for security, but men who have sex with men end up going from one relationship to another – with all the attendant heartbreak or falling into a pattern of short-term relationships – short-term being an hour or two.
Some adolescent boys fall into prostitution with all the risks of violence, disease and shame. One can hardly be proud of a work history that includes a year or two of hustling or be pleased to end up as the poster boy on some pornographic website.
Disease is a real problem for adolescent males who come out. You may promise yourself that you would never be so stupid as not to use a condom, but the research shows that very few men who have sex with men keep this promise. They suffer from condom fatigue. They have sex when they are drunk or high. They believe a partner who says he is HIV negative, forgetting the score of other sexually transmitted infections the man might not even know he is carrying or that in the heat of passion men often lie. The younger a man is when he begins to have sex with men the greater the risk he will become HIV positive.
Disease is not the only health risk. Persons with same-sex attractions are more likely to have problems with drugs and alcohol. In particular, the use of crystal meth is a real problem for this community and the results are devastating.Not only does crystal meth lead to physical problems and mental problems, it also causes the user to think they are invulnerable and therefore don’t need a condom. This is leading to a rise in HIV infections.
Sex is addictive. Once you begin to have sex with men, you may not be able to stop. You may have programmed your brain for this particular activity.
The good news is that studies show that a majority of those who think they are “gay” in their early teens discover in their 20’s that they are not. They just grow up. Maybe that will happen to you spontaneously, maybe through counseling you will discover where your feelings came from.14 It would be a shame if before that happened you became a sex addict or meth addicted or infected with an incurable disease.
You have a choice. You can explore the origins of your feelings. You can get help to discover your manhood.
You can wait.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Feeling thankful
I have been feeling very thankful lately, and have been doing a lot of thinking. I just got a job, and from all appearances, it will be a good one and should be something I will enjoy. It starts out part time, which will be 32 hours, most likely less if they subtract lunch, but it should be full time after a while.
I quit my last "real" job back in August, and other than borrowing $200 from friends for Christmas, I have not run out of money. I had a job for about 8 weeks that I hated, but that even helped build my cash up, and most recently, a friend has needed help at her business due to someone else getting injured in an accident. I almost feel bad for feeling thankful, but it has helped me a lot. I worked 5 days for her last week, 2 so far this week - would have been more except for training for my new job - and am doing 2 more days for her this week. They are mostly 4-5 hour days, but I did have one that was 8 1/2, but it has added up and helped, and here I am about to start a new job, and still have money......
These last 5 years have been bad for me, and has been nothing like I wanted my life to be, but had I done more to keep positive, and not gotten so easily depressed and discouraged, I may have come through them better off. I am still struggling with the issue of God's love, but when I look at the facts above, it makes me wonder if He hasn't been taking care of me all along, even when I am in the spiritual state that I am in. I'm going on 10 months since I quit my job, and other than 8 weeks at the job I tried, I have been jobless...... other than helping my friend on holidays and this time because of n accident..... I'm amazed I haven't run out of money. Maybe it was God.
I start the new job next week, and am looking forward to it. Not everything is ideal: It is further than I'd like to drive, 30 mile or so, 48 minutes according to Mapquest, and after my first two weeks - in which I will be filling in for a guy on military leave - my normal schedule will be working every Sunday 6am-2pm. I don't like to work Sundays, especially missing morning church, but it sounds like that could change at some point. I told the man who will be my supervisor that I'm willing to work whenever, but would prefer not to work every Sunday if that could change at some point, and he said they should be able to work something out.
The job is more an hour than I have ever made, and is $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August, and they seem really nice, seem to want to treat their workers well, which is a plus. I am a bit nervous about starting a new job, but I believe this is the one for me, and am looking forward to it.
If all goes well, and it does turn to full time, I am planning on getting my own place again and hopefully moving closer to where I work so it isn't as far of a drive. But I'm not crossing that bridge until I get to it.
I quit my last "real" job back in August, and other than borrowing $200 from friends for Christmas, I have not run out of money. I had a job for about 8 weeks that I hated, but that even helped build my cash up, and most recently, a friend has needed help at her business due to someone else getting injured in an accident. I almost feel bad for feeling thankful, but it has helped me a lot. I worked 5 days for her last week, 2 so far this week - would have been more except for training for my new job - and am doing 2 more days for her this week. They are mostly 4-5 hour days, but I did have one that was 8 1/2, but it has added up and helped, and here I am about to start a new job, and still have money......
These last 5 years have been bad for me, and has been nothing like I wanted my life to be, but had I done more to keep positive, and not gotten so easily depressed and discouraged, I may have come through them better off. I am still struggling with the issue of God's love, but when I look at the facts above, it makes me wonder if He hasn't been taking care of me all along, even when I am in the spiritual state that I am in. I'm going on 10 months since I quit my job, and other than 8 weeks at the job I tried, I have been jobless...... other than helping my friend on holidays and this time because of n accident..... I'm amazed I haven't run out of money. Maybe it was God.
I start the new job next week, and am looking forward to it. Not everything is ideal: It is further than I'd like to drive, 30 mile or so, 48 minutes according to Mapquest, and after my first two weeks - in which I will be filling in for a guy on military leave - my normal schedule will be working every Sunday 6am-2pm. I don't like to work Sundays, especially missing morning church, but it sounds like that could change at some point. I told the man who will be my supervisor that I'm willing to work whenever, but would prefer not to work every Sunday if that could change at some point, and he said they should be able to work something out.
The job is more an hour than I have ever made, and is $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August, and they seem really nice, seem to want to treat their workers well, which is a plus. I am a bit nervous about starting a new job, but I believe this is the one for me, and am looking forward to it.
If all goes well, and it does turn to full time, I am planning on getting my own place again and hopefully moving closer to where I work so it isn't as far of a drive. But I'm not crossing that bridge until I get to it.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
From my rags to His riches
A new song that came across my path. I'm loving it, even though the reality of the song isn't true for me yet, it gives me hope:
From My Rags to His Riches
Verse 1
I sat beside the road of life and watched it pass me by
I begged for crumbs of charity but no one heard my cry
And when it seemed my destiny was that I would surely lose
The Savior came and offered me what I could not refuse
Chorus:
From my rags to His riches, He made an even trade
His beauty for my ashes, and I love the deal He made
Now I feel like a millionaire, all my cares He carried away
I went from rags to His riches on that day.
Verse 2
Where I had conflict in my life, now I am rich in peace
And though I lived in doubt and fear, I have reason to believe
Now I have wealth that goes beyond all the silver and the gold
And I can’t believe He gave to me a new life for my old.
From My Rags to His Riches
Verse 1
I sat beside the road of life and watched it pass me by
I begged for crumbs of charity but no one heard my cry
And when it seemed my destiny was that I would surely lose
The Savior came and offered me what I could not refuse
Chorus:
From my rags to His riches, He made an even trade
His beauty for my ashes, and I love the deal He made
Now I feel like a millionaire, all my cares He carried away
I went from rags to His riches on that day.
Verse 2
Where I had conflict in my life, now I am rich in peace
And though I lived in doubt and fear, I have reason to believe
Now I have wealth that goes beyond all the silver and the gold
And I can’t believe He gave to me a new life for my old.
Re: DJ
DJ commented on my "choices" post:
Hi again! Been thinking of & praying for you faithfully. Busy week ahead of me so my Internet time is a bit limited. I have a lot of responses & conversation I would like to post but it will have to wait. ;) I do want to quickly say that I definitely agree that no one would choose homosexuality. But...... studying Scripture, I see how we are created for a loving relationship with Jesus and to bring glory to God. So, while I don't believe He made you that way, what if God allowed this in your life to bring Him glory? What if you became so intimate with Him that your life became a powerhouse testimony to what God can do in spite of our weaknesses, brokenness & struggles? I've been listening to a lot of Francis Chan on YouTube this past week and I just want God to actually use me in this next (hopefully) ;) 40+ years in spite of all the yuck in my past. I want Him to actually be glorified in the next half of my life. Who knows what He really could use you for to advance His kingdom in your world if your life was really led by deep relationship with His Holy Spirit?
Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!
Thanks, I really appreciate the prayers, and for your helpful comments. You said something that I have thought before.....that if I ever got to where I truly needed to be with God, maybe He could use little old me. I have felt at times the day may come when I need to step up and "out myself." And maybe it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to do so at this point. I have gotten very free with admitting it one on one to people. I lost track of how many people I have told...... the number may be as high or higher than 50 people who know, and thanks to a jerk in my past, there are people who know that I don't know of knowing. OK, thats sentence looks awkward, but I think it made sense. My biggest worry at this point would be my nieces and nephews, and my one brother-in-law. He still doesn't know, I am pretty sure. My other brother-in-law does know
The thing is..... I am to the point that I am not worried what people outside of my family would think. People are going to like me if they are going to like me, and if not, that is their problem....... so if I ever got to the place that I felt God wanted me to do so, I'd out myself. I get weary of hiding it, of pretending I just don't want to get married. It is a relief when I can admit the truth to someone.
I am sick of trying to be a Christian, at least the kind I have been. I want a real relationship with God, where I serve Him out of love and not fear, and believe He loves me and isn't waiting for me to mess up so He can use His white out on my name in the book of life.
I think you nailed it in your last comment: "Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!" I have been pulling away from the idea that I have to rush into serving God again. If God knows all, and He does, He knows I am sincere, that even though I am still doing things I shouldn't, that I want to find Him and do it right this time. I have to believe He is patient and will give me time. There is a fear that I could die in a car accident or something in the meantime......... and I could, but I am done being scared into serving God.
I may never change churches, as I do love my pastor and his wife, even if I don't agree with everything my church teaches. At least he doesn't rail or preach against all sorts of things..... but I have made a decision that won't go over well with my family. I am going to be very picky what revival services I go to, what camp meeting services I attend, and may not attend any of them. I am weary of preachers that try to scare people into going to the altar, who preach so strict a message that it undermines any confidence I have that I am a Christian, who tells "horror stories" of people who didn't go to the altar and God took them from the earth shortly after. I'm tired of that. And that is where I usually hear that stuff - camp meetings and revival services.
I quit going to the altar long ago anyway. The things I need to pray about are things I don't want anyone to hear, so if I feel the need to pray, I will do so at home. If I feel I need someone to pray with me, my pastor has proven he will do so at any time of the day or night.
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. And may God bless you for caring about someone you don't even know.
Hi again! Been thinking of & praying for you faithfully. Busy week ahead of me so my Internet time is a bit limited. I have a lot of responses & conversation I would like to post but it will have to wait. ;) I do want to quickly say that I definitely agree that no one would choose homosexuality. But...... studying Scripture, I see how we are created for a loving relationship with Jesus and to bring glory to God. So, while I don't believe He made you that way, what if God allowed this in your life to bring Him glory? What if you became so intimate with Him that your life became a powerhouse testimony to what God can do in spite of our weaknesses, brokenness & struggles? I've been listening to a lot of Francis Chan on YouTube this past week and I just want God to actually use me in this next (hopefully) ;) 40+ years in spite of all the yuck in my past. I want Him to actually be glorified in the next half of my life. Who knows what He really could use you for to advance His kingdom in your world if your life was really led by deep relationship with His Holy Spirit?
Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!
Thanks, I really appreciate the prayers, and for your helpful comments. You said something that I have thought before.....that if I ever got to where I truly needed to be with God, maybe He could use little old me. I have felt at times the day may come when I need to step up and "out myself." And maybe it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to do so at this point. I have gotten very free with admitting it one on one to people. I lost track of how many people I have told...... the number may be as high or higher than 50 people who know, and thanks to a jerk in my past, there are people who know that I don't know of knowing. OK, thats sentence looks awkward, but I think it made sense. My biggest worry at this point would be my nieces and nephews, and my one brother-in-law. He still doesn't know, I am pretty sure. My other brother-in-law does know
The thing is..... I am to the point that I am not worried what people outside of my family would think. People are going to like me if they are going to like me, and if not, that is their problem....... so if I ever got to the place that I felt God wanted me to do so, I'd out myself. I get weary of hiding it, of pretending I just don't want to get married. It is a relief when I can admit the truth to someone.
I am sick of trying to be a Christian, at least the kind I have been. I want a real relationship with God, where I serve Him out of love and not fear, and believe He loves me and isn't waiting for me to mess up so He can use His white out on my name in the book of life.
I think you nailed it in your last comment: "Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!" I have been pulling away from the idea that I have to rush into serving God again. If God knows all, and He does, He knows I am sincere, that even though I am still doing things I shouldn't, that I want to find Him and do it right this time. I have to believe He is patient and will give me time. There is a fear that I could die in a car accident or something in the meantime......... and I could, but I am done being scared into serving God.
I may never change churches, as I do love my pastor and his wife, even if I don't agree with everything my church teaches. At least he doesn't rail or preach against all sorts of things..... but I have made a decision that won't go over well with my family. I am going to be very picky what revival services I go to, what camp meeting services I attend, and may not attend any of them. I am weary of preachers that try to scare people into going to the altar, who preach so strict a message that it undermines any confidence I have that I am a Christian, who tells "horror stories" of people who didn't go to the altar and God took them from the earth shortly after. I'm tired of that. And that is where I usually hear that stuff - camp meetings and revival services.
I quit going to the altar long ago anyway. The things I need to pray about are things I don't want anyone to hear, so if I feel the need to pray, I will do so at home. If I feel I need someone to pray with me, my pastor has proven he will do so at any time of the day or night.
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. And may God bless you for caring about someone you don't even know.
Turning a corner
Things have been really better lately. Not much has changed around me, but inside things are changing. I don't want to give the impression I'm where I need to be. The gay issue is still alive and well, and I'm not ready to tackle it yet. This will sound bad, but I don't even want to tackle it yet.
I am still trying to read my Bible daily and pray, though the prayer is usually asking God to help me to believe in His love, that He not give up on me, and that He'd help me find Him. Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking, but I have tried over and over to walk away from the gay stuff and serve God, only to give up all too easily. I am working on changing my wrong views and thinking about God for now. I am seeking after God, or maybe I should say seeking after knowing about Him in the right way.
It has been several days, even weeks, since I had the suicidal wishes and thoughts that I was having several times a day, which is a plus. I've been working on being more positive, and have been trying to stop putting myself down all the time. I have been engaged in some very negative thinking... no wonder I have been so depressed.
A couple of good things have happened to me just recently. I got called in for a job interview for something that sounds promising and I think I will like. It is just part of my make up that I am still a bit worried and fearful about it. The interview went great, and I have one day of training for it this coming Tuesday. I have no idea when I will actually start the job, but I would assume shortly after the training. It will be part time to start, but the man who interviewed me figured it would turn to full time in the not so distant future. The pay is more than I have ever had, which is exciting. The job won't be very close, so I will have a bit of a drive, but it should be less than an hour each way. If it does become full time, I plan on moving closer. Even though I am a bit nervous, I am excited.
The other good thing: I have a friend who owns two businesses. I help her out on busy times, a day or two on holidays when I can. Due to an accident on the part of her regular helper, she needed me 5 days last week and one this coming week. It averaged 4-5 hours each week, but man did I need the money, so that was a blessing. Not good for the man who had the accident, but good for me.
Last night I read the story of the prodigal son. I hope and pray for the day when the reality of passages like that really hit home with me. It is awesome how the father was waiting for his son to return, and ran to meet him. My head knows God is like that with me, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. Maybe it will one of these days.
I am still trying to read my Bible daily and pray, though the prayer is usually asking God to help me to believe in His love, that He not give up on me, and that He'd help me find Him. Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking, but I have tried over and over to walk away from the gay stuff and serve God, only to give up all too easily. I am working on changing my wrong views and thinking about God for now. I am seeking after God, or maybe I should say seeking after knowing about Him in the right way.
It has been several days, even weeks, since I had the suicidal wishes and thoughts that I was having several times a day, which is a plus. I've been working on being more positive, and have been trying to stop putting myself down all the time. I have been engaged in some very negative thinking... no wonder I have been so depressed.
A couple of good things have happened to me just recently. I got called in for a job interview for something that sounds promising and I think I will like. It is just part of my make up that I am still a bit worried and fearful about it. The interview went great, and I have one day of training for it this coming Tuesday. I have no idea when I will actually start the job, but I would assume shortly after the training. It will be part time to start, but the man who interviewed me figured it would turn to full time in the not so distant future. The pay is more than I have ever had, which is exciting. The job won't be very close, so I will have a bit of a drive, but it should be less than an hour each way. If it does become full time, I plan on moving closer. Even though I am a bit nervous, I am excited.
The other good thing: I have a friend who owns two businesses. I help her out on busy times, a day or two on holidays when I can. Due to an accident on the part of her regular helper, she needed me 5 days last week and one this coming week. It averaged 4-5 hours each week, but man did I need the money, so that was a blessing. Not good for the man who had the accident, but good for me.
Last night I read the story of the prodigal son. I hope and pray for the day when the reality of passages like that really hit home with me. It is awesome how the father was waiting for his son to return, and ran to meet him. My head knows God is like that with me, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. Maybe it will one of these days.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Choices
I've been thinking about choices today. About choices I've made, and wondering what ones I will make in the future.
There are still a lot of people who believe homosexuality is a choice, which is truly demented... why would anyone choose to deal with this? It is one thing in life I had no choice in the matter over. I never chose to be attracted to other males. When I was a freshman in Bible college, just for the sake of curiosity and rebellion, I bought a copy of a porn magazine.... not gay. I was so naive' I didn't know those existed, and I didn't realize at the time I was gay. The magazine did nothing for me. Zip, zero, nada. As sad as it sounds, I was turned off by it, and was grossed out. I didn't keep it around long.
I tried to date. OK, I did date. Neither went anywhere. Looking back, I feel badly about it. The one girl especially seemed to really be into me, love me. But I felt nothing. I was attracted to their personalities, not to them. I never kissed them, though that was discouraged at the college anyway. While I was dating the second girl, in my junior year of college, I did a paper for one of my classes. We were to pick a social issue. I wanted to do the occult, but was not allowed. My teacher worried about kids getting involved in that by studying it, so I picked homosexuality.
I'm not sure why I picked it. That has been 22 years ago. Maybe I suspected, I can't remember. I do know as I read books and studied to write a paper on it, a light came on and I realized what I was reading in these books, was me. I wanted to do with men what I'd never wanted to do with women. I was shocked.
I broke up with the girl I was dating, much to her dismay...... I think she was thinking marriage. On a side note, she was the one who basically asked me out, in a really round about way, not that it excuses me. I broke up with her in November of 1990. And man, that did not go over well with my mom......how many college aged kids get lectured and scolded by their mothers for breaking up?
I wish I had sought help, but in my defense, I was scared to death. I was on a very conservative Bible College campus.....had I told the wrong person, I'd have been kicked out. In February of 1991, just a few months later, I made that fateful choice, well two actually, that started me down this long road of anonymous sex and porn addiction.
I was home from college for the week-end, and drove to a nearby town to do some shopping and kill some time. I wondered into a bookstore... The Book Nook. I don't think they exist anymore. I was browsing and wondered down the one far aisle..... and there they were: a long row of porn magazines. I was shocked. I didn't know the store carried them. I casually glanced over them, and wow.... as dumb as it sounds, I had no clue they had gay porn magazines, nor that they would be displayed publicly. I grabbed a couple, paid with them with what felt like a very red face, and quickly exited the store, and made another bad choice: A young guy around my age approached me and asked if I wanted oral sex, well he used slang for that. He told me later that he hung around to see what guys bought gay porn, and would approach them. I said yes, and the rest is history.
No one was home when I got home that day. I felt dirty, really dirty. I immediately took a bath, but it didn't make me feel any less clean. And it didn't stop me from seeking more of it. And for a long time, I'd repeat the same ritual, a bath or shower to try to stop from feeling so dirty, but then I got used to it, or calloused.
Reflection can be a good thing, and as I look back at my life, I can see more bad choices than good, which can also be discouraging. I wish I had made more good ones than I have. If we learn from our mistakes, I must be a slow learner.
I have made some good choices lately. I've talked more openly about my struggles om this blog, and with a few people. I have chosen to be more positive, to stop wishing I could kill myself, to stop putting myself down. Habits are hard to break, but I am breaking them. I was driving today and met a semi truck, and the thought went through my mind that if he swerved my way, that would be the end of me...... and just as fast, the realization went through me that I didn't want that to happen, and not just because of the fear of hell. Since I have chosen to be more positive, life isn't looking that bad to me. Circumstances haven't changed. I'm still unemployed, I am still stuck living with my parents, but for too long I have made the choices to allow myself to be depressed, down, and believe everything the devil tells me about myself.
And admittedly, something happened this week that has helped me feel more positive. I got called in for a job interview for a job that sounds promising, and pays $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August. It is part time, but the man said it should turn into full time. I don't have the job yet, the interview is Monday, but I am feeling good about it. They did a background check on me, which took over a week, so they have gone that far already. I am not too nervous. I figure I'll get it, or I won't. Sure, I need it, but I again I am making a choice, a choice to not freak out about it.
I am still not ready to try the Christian thing again yet. I'm just not there. If I tried, I'd just give up the first time temptation hit, and this is the time of year it is everywhere. I could be wrong, but I think guys dealing with SSA may have it worse in the summer than heterosexual guys struggling with lust, at least in the US...... at least heterosexual guys don't have to see shirtless women, and I have to see shirtless guys everywhere. And believe me, when I am trying to serve God, that is a big temptation.
I am still praying and reading my Bible almost every night. I am doing it for a couple of reasons. I want to show God I am seeking after Him, even if I am not ready to dive in yet. I am doing it to just get in the habit of doing it, not that I want it to be a habit.....maybe it would be better to say I want to be used to doing it.... and doing it while not feeling like I HAVE to do it. And the verses I have been reading are mostly about God's love and mercy. I want to drill it into my head and heart.
Life and truly turn on a dime, so I am cautiously optimistic, cautiously hopeful for the first time in a long time... if one can be cautiously hopeful. I don't want to discount the prayers of people who are praying for me, nor their advice and comments - I know it is making a difference, and I honestly don't mean to discount that by saying this, but they would be to no avail if I didn't make some choices and act on them, and most likely I have made those choices because of those prayers.
I just turned a year older last week. In another year, I will turn another year older again. That was profound :-) - and when I do, I want to look back and not have the regrets that I have had for so long. May God help me to truly find Him and a real relationship with Him, and help me to make the right choices from here on out.
There are still a lot of people who believe homosexuality is a choice, which is truly demented... why would anyone choose to deal with this? It is one thing in life I had no choice in the matter over. I never chose to be attracted to other males. When I was a freshman in Bible college, just for the sake of curiosity and rebellion, I bought a copy of a porn magazine.... not gay. I was so naive' I didn't know those existed, and I didn't realize at the time I was gay. The magazine did nothing for me. Zip, zero, nada. As sad as it sounds, I was turned off by it, and was grossed out. I didn't keep it around long.
I tried to date. OK, I did date. Neither went anywhere. Looking back, I feel badly about it. The one girl especially seemed to really be into me, love me. But I felt nothing. I was attracted to their personalities, not to them. I never kissed them, though that was discouraged at the college anyway. While I was dating the second girl, in my junior year of college, I did a paper for one of my classes. We were to pick a social issue. I wanted to do the occult, but was not allowed. My teacher worried about kids getting involved in that by studying it, so I picked homosexuality.
I'm not sure why I picked it. That has been 22 years ago. Maybe I suspected, I can't remember. I do know as I read books and studied to write a paper on it, a light came on and I realized what I was reading in these books, was me. I wanted to do with men what I'd never wanted to do with women. I was shocked.
I broke up with the girl I was dating, much to her dismay...... I think she was thinking marriage. On a side note, she was the one who basically asked me out, in a really round about way, not that it excuses me. I broke up with her in November of 1990. And man, that did not go over well with my mom......how many college aged kids get lectured and scolded by their mothers for breaking up?
I wish I had sought help, but in my defense, I was scared to death. I was on a very conservative Bible College campus.....had I told the wrong person, I'd have been kicked out. In February of 1991, just a few months later, I made that fateful choice, well two actually, that started me down this long road of anonymous sex and porn addiction.
I was home from college for the week-end, and drove to a nearby town to do some shopping and kill some time. I wondered into a bookstore... The Book Nook. I don't think they exist anymore. I was browsing and wondered down the one far aisle..... and there they were: a long row of porn magazines. I was shocked. I didn't know the store carried them. I casually glanced over them, and wow.... as dumb as it sounds, I had no clue they had gay porn magazines, nor that they would be displayed publicly. I grabbed a couple, paid with them with what felt like a very red face, and quickly exited the store, and made another bad choice: A young guy around my age approached me and asked if I wanted oral sex, well he used slang for that. He told me later that he hung around to see what guys bought gay porn, and would approach them. I said yes, and the rest is history.
No one was home when I got home that day. I felt dirty, really dirty. I immediately took a bath, but it didn't make me feel any less clean. And it didn't stop me from seeking more of it. And for a long time, I'd repeat the same ritual, a bath or shower to try to stop from feeling so dirty, but then I got used to it, or calloused.
Reflection can be a good thing, and as I look back at my life, I can see more bad choices than good, which can also be discouraging. I wish I had made more good ones than I have. If we learn from our mistakes, I must be a slow learner.
I have made some good choices lately. I've talked more openly about my struggles om this blog, and with a few people. I have chosen to be more positive, to stop wishing I could kill myself, to stop putting myself down. Habits are hard to break, but I am breaking them. I was driving today and met a semi truck, and the thought went through my mind that if he swerved my way, that would be the end of me...... and just as fast, the realization went through me that I didn't want that to happen, and not just because of the fear of hell. Since I have chosen to be more positive, life isn't looking that bad to me. Circumstances haven't changed. I'm still unemployed, I am still stuck living with my parents, but for too long I have made the choices to allow myself to be depressed, down, and believe everything the devil tells me about myself.
And admittedly, something happened this week that has helped me feel more positive. I got called in for a job interview for a job that sounds promising, and pays $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August. It is part time, but the man said it should turn into full time. I don't have the job yet, the interview is Monday, but I am feeling good about it. They did a background check on me, which took over a week, so they have gone that far already. I am not too nervous. I figure I'll get it, or I won't. Sure, I need it, but I again I am making a choice, a choice to not freak out about it.
I am still not ready to try the Christian thing again yet. I'm just not there. If I tried, I'd just give up the first time temptation hit, and this is the time of year it is everywhere. I could be wrong, but I think guys dealing with SSA may have it worse in the summer than heterosexual guys struggling with lust, at least in the US...... at least heterosexual guys don't have to see shirtless women, and I have to see shirtless guys everywhere. And believe me, when I am trying to serve God, that is a big temptation.
I am still praying and reading my Bible almost every night. I am doing it for a couple of reasons. I want to show God I am seeking after Him, even if I am not ready to dive in yet. I am doing it to just get in the habit of doing it, not that I want it to be a habit.....maybe it would be better to say I want to be used to doing it.... and doing it while not feeling like I HAVE to do it. And the verses I have been reading are mostly about God's love and mercy. I want to drill it into my head and heart.
Life and truly turn on a dime, so I am cautiously optimistic, cautiously hopeful for the first time in a long time... if one can be cautiously hopeful. I don't want to discount the prayers of people who are praying for me, nor their advice and comments - I know it is making a difference, and I honestly don't mean to discount that by saying this, but they would be to no avail if I didn't make some choices and act on them, and most likely I have made those choices because of those prayers.
I just turned a year older last week. In another year, I will turn another year older again. That was profound :-) - and when I do, I want to look back and not have the regrets that I have had for so long. May God help me to truly find Him and a real relationship with Him, and help me to make the right choices from here on out.
Not Quite Healed, book suggestion
I was never molested as a kid, though there were some incidents in school with boys my age and a few years older that probably helped set the gay stuff in motion, won't go into that now, but I wouldn't call it abuse like young boys get from adults. I ran across this book and had a chance to review it: Not Quite Healed: 40 Truths for Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Cecil Murphy and Gary Roe.
Even though I was never molested, there are a lot of similarities in the feelings about God and themselves that I had with the authors. Its a book that anyone struggling with same-sex attraction, especially those who have given in, might want to check out.
Book description:
How are sexual abuse survivors to overcome the challenges they are sure to face? Finding strength in
community with other survivors is one key to recovery. In
Not Quite Healed, two survivors join forces to share insight and
encouragement on the issues that challenge them most. After a candid discussion
about each issue, the authors provide a self-affirming statement that men can
study, memorize, and recite on their darkest days.
Even though I was never molested, there are a lot of similarities in the feelings about God and themselves that I had with the authors. Its a book that anyone struggling with same-sex attraction, especially those who have given in, might want to check out.
Book description:
How are sexual abuse survivors to overcome the challenges they are sure to face? Finding strength in
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