Moving closer

    I am learning lately to toss out some of the thinking that comes naturally, and am slowly beginning to get how patient God is with me. If I talked to the average Christian in my church and other churches about what all is going on in my life, most of them would urge me to pray right now in repentance and to start serving God. The old me would agree. Why wait?

   One can draw too many comparisons with the spiritual and non-spiritual, but I had this thought: we don't jump into relationships on earth without getting to know about the person and getting to know them better. There are many who would disagree with me, but should a relationship with God be any different? Sure, there are no bad effects from jumping into a relationship with God, as there can be with humans, but when I have never really "got it" when it comes to a relationship with God, why jump into it when I'm not ready? I would most likely have the same kind of relationship with Him that I had before: Fear, duty, not believing He loves me, etc.

   There are a few reasons I am not ready to commit yet:
1) I want to learn more about God and His love. I am making progress, slowly but surely
2) I want to do it for the right reasons. I don't want to feel rushed or pressured. God doesn't rush us
3) This is secondary to the others, but summer is the hardest time of the year for me with temptation. Guys are very visual, and since I am attracted to guys, the less clothes a guy has on, the harder it is to look away. Yes, I will deal with that every summer, but starting out anew with God would be harder in the summer.

   As I see it, here are the areas I am going to battle the most when I do take the steps I need to take:
1) Trusting God
2) Believing God loves me. Kind of tied to the first, yet also different
3) Lust
4) Porn - I think that will be harder to beat than the sex. They are both addictions, but....... trying to put this in a way that isn't "too much information" - I get much more sexual release through porn than sex. The sex doesn't happen as often, as its just not always easy with living with my parents
5) Loneliness.

   I do believe in a lot of cases, and I know in mine, the sex is more about a connection, of being with/around another guy, getting affection....... if only from a random hook-up. To be honest, the sex doesn't really satisfy. If I can find other, better ways to meet that need in my life, the sex won't be as hard to battle.

 
   The job is going pretty well. I'm still learning things and have to remember it doesn't all come in one day. The other guys are all pretty nice.

  I will be starting my regular schedule this week-end, and there is one thing I am not crazy about: I will work every Sunday 6am-2pm. I don't like working Sundays, but EVERY Sunday, and to miss the morning service and Sunday School..... I don't like it, but that could change later. I did have a though on that today, trying to look at the positive: I have had thoughts of stepping away from the church for a while to focus more on God, instead of on church and what the church expects, so this could be a time to do that. I will be able to attend Sunday evenings, but no Sunday mornings for now.

  If I can discipline myself to do so, I had a thought about this today. I will be working Fridays-Mondays, having Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays off. I'm not going to go as far as making one of those days my "Sabbath" in place of Sunday, but thought it may be a good thing to set one of those days aside to focus more on God. Read more of the Bible, study it, read in a Christian non-fiction book.

  I have a friend I made through this blog site who emails me, does facebook, etc who deals with same-sex attractions. He has talked to me about going to Celebrate Recovery. It isn't specifically for people dealing with same-sex attractions, but all kinds of struggles. I am thinking it might be good to join that, though my parents would want to know where I was going and why, which frustrates me and may cause me to pull back to avoid that. Why can't I have parents who don't have to know what their 44 year old son is up to at all times?!

   It seems like I have so far to go. I can see progress in my thinking and beliefs. I have become so much more positive, and less negative. I long to be free, totally free. Not just from the sexual addictions, but from religion instead of a relationship, and free from bondage to religion and what other people expect of me.

   It seems like a pretty tall order, to change a lifetime of addiction, bondage, wrong views of God, and anything else that I have dealt with, but if the end result is a real relationship with God, than I have to believe it is worth it.

  The story of the prodigal son has been on my mind a lot lately. As I think I mentioned in a previous blog post, the most amazing part of the story is the father. He ran to meet his son. That amazes me when I think about it. Its hard to imagine God running to meet me, when I have felt I had to beg God to take me back. How does one overcome thinking like that? It doesn't happen overnight, but God is helping me.

  I hate to end my blog post with two songs, but I have been listening to this first one a lot lately. Its one of those songs I have had on a CD since 2008 but never listened to much til now. There Is Always a Place at the Table. It means a lot to me these days. And who says you have to listen to both or either song? :-)

   The second song came to me as I was typing about God running to meet the prodigal. When God Ran. Another awesome song that I need to hear over and over.

There Is Always A Place at the Table

Verse 1
He'd gotten used to living
On the outside looking in
Lonely was his only constant friend.
So when the invitation came
That clearly bore his name
He hardly could believe the words he read.

Chorus
There is always a place at the table
There's a feast that's now waiting all your own
Your place is set each time the family gathers
It will never be the same til you're home.

Verse 2
She'd made so many choices
That had torn her life apart
And hurt the very ones she loved the most.
She didn't even know where someone could begin
Until she got this message from the host.

Chorus:
There is always a place at the table
There's a feast that's now waiting all your own
Your place is set each time the family gathers
It will never be the same til you're home.

Come home, come home.
My child, come home.
There is always a place at the table
There's a feast that's now waiting all your own
Your place is set each time the family gathers
It will never be the same
It will never be the same
It will never be the same til you are home




When God Ran

[Verse 1:]Almighty God, The Great I Am,
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful,
Awesome Lord.
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings,
Mighty Conqueror and the only time,
The only time I ever saw him run,
Was when...

[Chorus:]
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me By surprise, When God ran...

[Verse 2:]
The day I left home,
I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,
I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,
It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...

[Repeat Chorus]

He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.
When God ran... I saw Him run to me.

[Bridge:]
I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...

I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"
He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me (When God Ran)
(I saw Him run to me)
And then I ran to Him
(When God ran)
When God ran