June update

Not an eye catching blog post title, but couldn't come up with one. :-)

   I started my new job 3 days ago, and am liking it pretty well. It can be a bit mundane, at least the shift I am working for the first 2 weeks, and the paperwork is going to get old, but its a decent job and decent pay. I am hoping it will turn to full time soon, though I will get 32 hours a week, which isn't bad for part time. Ideally, I'd like to have my own place before winter sets in. Whether that will happen or not, remains to be seen. I would really like to be out of my parents' place before Christmas. With my living arrangements, I am really in the way at Christmas.

   If one can make progress spiritually and still not have come to God for a new start/conversion, I am making progress. A lot of it is in attitude and outlook. For too long, I had no hope, was depressed, negative, suicidal, constantly putting myself down and expecting the worst. I have been working on doing better in those areas, and have made significant changes. And that was before the job came along. That has helped even more.

   I am still reading a verse or two in the Bible each day, usually something about God's love, even if it is John 3:16-17 every other day. I'm not there yet, believing in God's love, but I am slowly inching towards it.

  I am coming to realize more and more what a skewed view of God and His love I have, and realizing that is part of the journey towards believing. It sounds almost elementary to say this, but God's love is so much more, so outside of what we think of as love, especially in this modern day when people fall in and out of love so easily, when families fall apart because of resentments, hurt feelings, etc.

  The Bible says God is love. It doesn't just say that He loves. If the Bible simply said that, it would be easier to assume He might quit loving, which I have believed. But it says He is love. If He is love, He has to love, for it is very essence and character. It almost sounds crazy to think of all the people who have ever lived, God picked little old me to not love.

  Unfortunately for us, the devil is good at what he does. He knows our weak points and that is where he fights us. He saw this was a weak point for me, and it became one of his greatest weapons against me. There is still a part of me that wonders why God hasn't done more to fight against that, but that is something I can't dwell on and will have to throw in the old mystery bag. But then, maybe I haven't been looking in the right places, or overlooked the good things he has placed in my life.

  I am also still praying each day, though those prayers are basically that God would help me believe in His love. I also started something new may seem small...... I do try to remain anonymous on here, and though I doubt anyone who knows me would stumble across  this blog, I try not to give out too much information, but will say this: I am working in a hospital with my new job. I may not be able to do this on my regular shift when I get it, but every night I have been slipping into the chapel for a few minutes, and just sit there, gazing at the cross on the wall, and soaking up the quiet. Maybe its just me, but God seems a little nearer in that setting.

  I read an interesting book this week. It was titled Faith, Hope, & Love by Kimberly Rae Jordan. It sounded like a romance, which I rarely read, but it sounded worth reading, so I got it for 99 cents for my Kindle. Book description:
Six years after Colombian rebels took her missionary husband hostage, Cassie MacIntyre gets word that Quinn has been released and is on his way home. While initially excited to have her husband back, it isn’t long before joy turns to heartache as Cassie realizes that his time in captivity have robbed Quinn of his faith in God and apparently, his love for her. The man who has come back to her is a stranger. Cassie struggles to keep alive the hope that there is a future for their marriage, their family and the love they once shared.

   I don't want to give any spoilers away, in case someone decides they want to read the book,  but again I am amazed how God can use Christian fiction to speak. Though fictional, the guy in the story, Quinn, gave up his faith in God and was angry and bitter because God allowed him, who was serving God on the mission field, to be held hostage for 6 years. It was an excellent book, but it had a great message that I needed to hear. I have read at least 5 or so books recently, Christian fiction, that dealt with this very issue: trusting God even when things are going terribly wrong.

  A lot of my problems with trusting God and believing He loves me lies in that: thinking if He loves me, He should protect me from certain things, He should do this, stop that from happening, and so forth. Like the one book I have referenced, He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobson puts it: I tend to do with the "he loves me, he loves me not" thing with God. I got that job, He loves me. I don't have close friends to hang out with, he loves me not. And all too often, the scales tip in the he loves me not area.

  It is obvious that I have a long way to go in this area, but I am slowly getting there. God is so different from us. What an understatement. People will get mad and retaliate often with coldness, ignoring, and more. God isn't like that, yet I have put in Him in the box where I expect Him to act like we do, and He doesn't. He still loves.

  A couple of stories that has been on my mind lately: The prodigal son. Someone has said we focus too much on the son in the story, when the story is really about the father. The father knew the son would squander his inheritance and come crawling back, but He still gave it to him and let him go. Then he watched for his return and ran to meet him. Yet I have always felt I had to beg God to take me back, while according to the Bible, He is running to meet me. Wow.

  The other story: Peter. Jesus knew he would deny Him. He even told Peter he would. And Jesus forgave Him. Whether you believe in once saved always saved, or believe you can fall away and still miss Heaven after being a Christian, I think both sides would agree that if we do sin, we need to repent. God always forgives, even when He knows we are going to sin/walk away again. Its hard for us to do that. Its hard to have patience with people who keep going back to the same sin/habit time after time. People can give up, but God doesn't. He keeps forgiving, no matter how many times the person goes back to the sin.

  The devil had convinced me that I messed up too many times. He had me believing I had gone to  the well of God's forgiveness too many times and the well was running dry, but it never runs dry. God hasn't given up on me, and is far more patient with me than I could ever dream.

  I've already been more lengthy than I intended to be, but should address the gay area. I'm not making any progress there, and it will sound bad, but I don't have much desire to change right now, though as I stated in a previous blog post, gay isn't the main issue, it is a byproduct, so to speak. If I don't resolve the issue of trusting God and believing He loves me, I will go right back to the sin anyway, so that is kind of on the back burner. I know I need to change in that area, but it isn't my main focus at this point.

  Thanks again to anyone who is praying for me. I appreciate it more than you know, and I believe those prayers are helping.

  While blogging, a song came to mind that has meant a lot to me. I cried the first few times I heard it, and I need to listen to it more often. It is called "There's Still Hope" and was recorded by Susie Luchsinger, sister to country singer Reba MacIntire:

There's Still Hope (Susie Luchsinger)

Verse 1
A twenty year old boy
He's staring out the window
It's a rainy day and his future don't look bright
The third time in rehab
Folks back home say "Ain't it sad,
He could have done so much with his life"
But his mama keeps on praying every night

Verse 2
An eleven year old girl
Is putting on her ball cleats
At the little league park on Friday night
Softball ain't her favorite sport
But she's not playing for the score
You see her daddy moved out last July
But he still sits with Mama every Friday night

Verse 3
There's a little boy in Jerusalem
He takes off running through the hills
Sometimes he forgets the lines of hate
He sees another boy from the other side
There's one thing running through their minds
Wouldn't it be fun if we could play
As their mamma's rush to grab them
For a moment, their eyes say

Chorus
There's still hope
It's early to give up
The devil's cheering, but so what
There's an angel saying, "no you don't"
Another day, another chance
The strength to change the circumstance
It's alive
If one heart holds on
There's still hope