Reponse to DJ

  My life has been busier lately with going from unemployed, to working 40 hours a week, though next week it will go to 32 hours, as I am filling in for a guy on military leave at the moment. Anyway, I meant to reply sooner to a comment made by DJ, a lady who comments on my blog and has some great input and prayers. I am pasting the comment here, as it has been a week since the comment. The comment is in bold, my reply is not.

I have studied quite a bit about homosexuality and I meant what I said when I said that about God using you! From my studies of the scripture, I think homosexuality is going to be a bigger and bigger issue in our society as we draw nearer to the end. More and more, we need people who can testify boldly (1 Corin. 6:11, Rev. 12:11a) to the power of God for freedom and healing in this particular area.

   I have felt at different times in my life that God may want to use me, and my struggles. Maybe that is another reason the devil has fought me so hard. Even though I'm not where I need to be with God yet, I am already willing to do that. My only hang up is family, but don't all Christians need to die out to everyone, even family? Why should I be any different? And if I do die out, then God may want me to "out" myself as dealing with this.

   A part of me doesn't care who knows. I have made references to it on my public blog, without naming it out, and post articles about Exodus International, and things written by guys such as Matt Moore and Christopher Yuan who deal with it, so its possible the people who don't know, suspect. And that doesn't worry me.


There is no shame in the struggle. We WILL all struggle with sin of some kind. (Heb 12:4) But a struggle doesn't mean we can't live victoriously, IF we're in love with Jesus. (The biggest surprise for me is I never realized it's a battle to STAY in love with Jesus. Loving Jesus really does require work and that love can cool off fast. No one ever told me that. You really have to PURSUE Him but it IS worth it!)

    Very true. And something else the devil has gone overboard to convince me is not true. He has tried to blow my sin up so big, that I believed I could never be completely forgiven, that my sin was so bad that I needed to do more to gain God's forgiveness, yet in God's eyes, sin is sin. And I am beginning to understand how true that is: this IS a battle, but a part of me has expected to not have to battle after I repent. Sounds naive', yet most likely part of the devil's arsenal.


I can tell you really care about your nieces/nephews. Bottom line is they are going to be faced with worse stuff than we've had to deal with. What legacy do we want to leave that generation? What do we want them to believe about God and His Power?

   You got that right. Maybe its because I wanted to be a father so badly, and realize it most likely will not happen, but I am closer to them than the average aunt or uncle is to their nieces and nephews. That is one thing that has kept me from diving headfirst into the gay lifestyle and walking away from God and the church.


I've really been meditating a lot lately on the scripture in James - confess your SIN to each other, and pray for each other that you may be HEALED. I've come to a couple of conclusions about this passage.

One is that sometimes we need someone to walk with us and partner with us in prayer when we are struggling with sin.

Secondly, it doesn't say to confess & pray for each other so you can be forgiven. Jesus does the forgiving and I think that's a separation "transaction". ;) It says so you can be HEALED. I think sometimes we have a struggle against a certain sin because of brokenness that needs healing. Jesus forgives but He also is a Healer. I think I mentioned two guys in my church who were set free from alcoholism. Both became alcoholics because of the result of deep childhood pain that came from losing their parents. Their bondage of sin was a result of a brokenness and they both still testify of being continually healed from that brokenness, even tho the bondage to alcohol is now gone. Their deliverance was different, they aren't the same age and come from totally different backgrounds yet they both were slaves to the bottle as a result of brokenness. But, God!

This is part of a devotional I recently read about a woman struggling with an eating disorder:

"I realize that I had feared the opinions of others; I had feared that I would not measure up. I had placed my hope, not in God’s unconditional love, but in controlling my weight.

What began in the eight grade as a week-long diet with a friend became seven years of starvation for me.

For some deep psychological, emotional and spiritual reasons, I kept losing weight. By my senior year of high school, I was five feet, three inches tall and all of seventy-nine pounds.

I was a Christian, desiring to serve God, yet enslaved to food. I was miserable. Night after night I sobbed into my pillow, pleading that God would make me normal.

He answered those prayers slowly and gently. First, he showed me my sin and forgave me. He gave me caring friends to talk to, reassurance from his Word...."

Eventually, she became free from the bondage of her sin which was actually something she needed healing from, even though she couldn't necessarily explain all the emotional/psychological reasons for the pain and struggle.

Anyway. I don't know if I'm conveying what I want to say very well here but I'm just thinking that sometimes our sin is a result of brokenness we can't necessarily explain but we need healing and that can help us become free from the bondage. I think homosexuality falls into this same category. Bottom line is that the answer ALWAYS comes back to Jesus and when we are sincerely seeking Him, He promises to be faithful!

He is patient & loving. He DOES know your heart!

   I have found that the more open I am about my struggles, the less hold they have on me - well, when I am trying to do right, but unfortunately, not everyone wants to hear about it, not that I give graphic details. The gay issue just isn't something the average Christian is comfortable talking about, especially if you're in a church where "bad sins" don't seem to exist. I can't imagine standing to my feet and announcing what I struggle with.

  There are a lot of things about the gay struggle that are hard, but one of the biggest is loneliness. Its not about sex, not really. And it is a hard reality to face that I won't marry and have kids, that there aren't single friends I can call up and hang out with, that my best friend lives 400 miles away.....

  My best friend who also deals with SSA, but has never gone as far as I have with the sex, has expressed frustration with the church before. I share some of his frustrations, that people in the church don't rally more around guys like us, yet I am also realistic enough to know that people are busy, plus its not a sin people are comfortable with. That doesn't mean I don't wish for more fellowship and friendship than I have. It is rough, but maybe if I get serious about this relationship with God issue, who knows what He may do in my life. One thing to remember, is I need to do my part: to be a friend myself, to reach out to others who are hurting. I can't expect others to do what I am not willing to do.

   Thanks again for your thoughtful comments and prayers.