It's back

I can tell my depression is getting worse again. I never got over it 100%, but got it under control, more or less. And it is mostly due to my work situation.

I am still unemployed. Christmas is looming near and I face the dilemma of whether to buy Christmas gifts for my family and risk not having enough for my bills if I stay unemployed over the holidays, or not buying and feeling worse because I can't do what I enjoy at this time of year: buy gifts.

The job interview I had recently did not come through.... the one I wasn't sure if I wanted or not. I was kind of relieved, yet depressed at the same time, if that makes sense.

I had referenced in my last blog post about my one friend and former co-worker remarking that had I not brought up my sister, who this lady knew and liked, she would not have hired me. A mutual friend was talking to friend #1 and it came up. Friend #1 said the reason was, is that I didn't "sell myself" in the inerview.

I've gone over and over this with my best friend, and he keeps telling me I need to project confidence and work on selling myself. I can't. I am doomed, screwed, sunk....... whatever you want to call it. I have no skills, and my opinion of myself is next to nothing. I don't think I'd be the best person for any job, and doubt my abilities and skills.......how on earth can I "sell myself" and project confidence that  I don't have? I feel like I walk into a job interview with "failure" stamped across my forehead. A big part of me feels I am not good enough at anything to get a job, and another part of me actually feels I don't deserve a decent job. I honestly feel the only job I can get is one where no one else has applied.

No one gets me. No one understands how big of a deal the work/job situation is. If I had a way to make money (legally) and not work, I'd be fine with that, for the job stuff terrifies me. It is more than worry and normal fear. I guess it could be called a phobia.

I'm to the point that I am ready to throw Sundays out the window. I've tried to avoid jobs where I might have to work Sundays. I had to work two per month at my last job and hated it, and feared I'd get a job where I had to work every Sunday....... but God had his chance. I prayed and prayed for His help in finding a job where that wasn't an issue, and I might as well have prayed to a god of wood or stone..... so I'm not going to worry about that. There is a place I have considered applying for work....... I worked at a similar job once where Sundays was not an issue and it was my favorite job, other than one issue....... so I feel confident that I could do it, however it is the kind of place I might end up working every Sunday.......... but do I care anymore? I'm not sure I even want to be in church anymore. Life - and God - are a disappointment.

I had another disappointment come up while job searching last week. I found a job that I had experience in and that I had liked fairly well. The pay was decent and had benefits, so I called about it. They wouldn't even qualify me for the job because my experience wasn't in the last 3 yeats. That was a tough blow. I see so many jobs I'm interested in, but they want so many months or years of experience. Here was one I had experience in, but not recently enough. Man.

I had so hoped to be out on my own by Christmas. I always feel in the way staying with my parents, not to mention my lack of privacy and peace and quiet, but I really feel in the way at the holidays. Majorly in the way. But that isn't going to happen. I am starting to wonder if it ever will. I get so frustrated, and I am way beyond discouraged. I'm to the point that I am getting crazy ideas. How crazy?

I've thought about robbing a bank..... and getting caught. It would solve my job and housing job, and life feels like a prison anyway, so I should be used to it. Yeah, the sane part of me kicks in, so that won't happen.

Suicide is really tempting, but there is that whole go straight to hell issue. I've actually considered trying to get AIDS and hope it takes me fairly fast, and meanwhile try to get ready to die. But my luck, I'd get a strain that would kill me slowly over a period of years.

I just wish you could pick when to go. I'm done with life. I have failed in every area there is to fail in. I don't have enough faith to make this serving God thing work. I don't trust Him. I still don't believe that He loves me or cares about me. He ignores my prayers and problems. Life really isn't worth living.

Thing is, I don't want much. I just want a decent job and my own place again. Independence from my too-controlling parents. Love would be nice......but impossible. God condemns it between two men, which comes naturally for me, and it can never happen with a woman. Impossible. Yeah, I am screwed, doomed, sunk.

I was really trying there for a while. Why does it seem like God forgives me, then walks off to let me struggle on my own? Is there any use in praying to Him for help with my sexual and job issues? He seems to ignore those prayers anyway, so why pray at all? Why does He let me get to the point that I am so discouraged I am to the point of giving up..... and do nothing but watch as I tumble over that edge and do just that: give up. Why does it seem the devil fights harder for my soul than God does? The devil does all he can to convince me God doesn't care, and God seems to not just allow it and not do anything to offset it, He seems to encourage it. If I were a target and Satan was shooting at me, its like God saying to Satan "you need to steady your hand a bit and shoot a bit higher... you can hit him hardest that way." When I try to serve God, my faith is so weak, and my battles are so hard...... why doesn't God help more? I don't think He does that great of a job as a father.

I wish I could be more self-confident, but that has never been something I am good at. I don't have much, and my boss at my last job destroyed the little that I had - another reason I needed out of there. How can I fake something that I don't have?

There just doesn't seem much left. I wanted to marry and have a family, and homosexuality has destroyed that dream. I wanted love, but that is impossible. I wanted a decent job and a decent house of my own, and that seems to be as impossible as the rest of my dreams. I have failed. There is no hope, no sense to dream or wish. Failure.

Work, hope, prayer, and predestination

I created this blog mainly so I would have a place to openly talk about my same-sex attractions and struggles and remain anonymous so everyone in my life can't see it, only the few I allow. This blog post isn't about the usual, but it is a post I don't want made public to people who know me, so I am posting it here.

I put a lot into this last election. I tried to get the information out about Obama and his bad policies. I encouraged people to vote for Romney. I even went door to door...... and for what? We lost. I had my hopes up and we lost.

I had a job interview yesterday. I don't think it went all that well, and if I get called back, I will be surprised. But guess what..... I don't want it. I really don't want to work in that kind of business again, and from things the guy said who interviewed me, I am even more sure I don't want the job. So secretly I am hoping they won't call, but I don't expect them to anyway..... they had more people to interview and I am convinced when I am put up against the other average job employees, I will lose hands down every time. And I found out something recently that has reinforced that:

When I was interviewed for my previous job, the regular interviewer couldn't be there for the last few interviews. They were done by a different lady, a woman my sister had worked with and this lady really liked my sister, so I let the woman know that I was my sister's brother. I got the job and always felt that helped. A couple of months ago, I got together with 3 of my former co-workers from this job, including the lady who had interviewed me and hired me (she quit long before me). During our visit, she said something that hurt and I can't get away. I know her and know she didn't mean anything by it. She said she wasn't going to hire me and had already decided against me when I brought up my sister, and that changed her mind...... I didn't ask her why she wasn't going to hire me, but it reinforced my belief that I am un-hireable. If a woman as nice as her wasn't going to hire me..... no wonder I can't get a job. People don't like what they see. I have had this feeling for a while that I need to find an undesirable job that the average person wouldn't apply for, and that is the only way I will get a job. I have no skills, most of my work has been retail and when I look for work I am scared off by a lot of jobs I fear I can't do, and the ones that sound good to me, you need experience for. Experience I don't have.

Is it really worth it to hope for good? My hopes were really dashed with this election. I mean majorly. And they have been dashed with a lot of other things in life..... I am starting to think its better to expect the worst and not get my hopes up. Better to be surprised when something happens than to be majorly depressed and devastated when they don't happen.

Which brings me to my next point... why pray about stuff. A lot of people prayed about the election, and nada. Daily there are people who lose family members and friends to disease that they begged God to heal. Many other prayers go unanswered and ignored. This kind of goes hand in hand with the hope idea, but why bother praying. God supposedly knows everything. He knows when someone is diagnosed with cancer or some other disease whether they will die or recover from it...... He knows the outcome, He knows whether He will answer prayers in that person's behalf and heal, or not heal..... so why pray? God has decided the outcome before it even happens. He doesn't change His mind, for He already knows what He will do....... why not just sit back and let the chips fall where they may? Why not sit back and figure God is doing to do what He wants in the end anyway, so why ask Him to intervene?

Which brings me to my next point. I was not raised to believe in predestination, and don't think I know anyone personally who does. OK, maybe I do. I'm starting to at least. Back to God knowing everything. Before we are born, God knows everything about us, including knowing if we will become a Christian and go to Heaven, or if we will spend eternity in hell...... there are things He could do to cause the person to make the opposite choice.... things He could let happen, or not let happen, to influence that person, so isn't He more or less choosing who will go to heaven or hell? Oh we throw around words like "foreknowledge" and "choice", but no matter how you look at it, God creates us, and knows everything about us, and has the power to cause us to become Christians.

Does God make people gay? I really don't believe we are born gay, but God could prevent it. He could have given me a dad that made me feel loved and accepted as I grew up, a dad who taught me to fight back against the bullies. He could have given me friends in school that accepted me, instead of a school full of kids that were bent on picking on me and making me feel unliked, unlovable,  and worthless. He could have given me skills and abilities...... He could do something to help me believe He loves me..... but He did none of that. Did He make me gay? Maybe not, but He allowed many things in my life that did.

Maybe we are doomed from birth to do exactly what God wants. If it has been decided we will be successful, we will be successful. If it has been decided we will die young, no amount of prayers from the most spiritual of saints will change that. If we are to get a job, we will get it, if not.... no amount of prayers will get us that job. God decided the course for our lives before we were born, all that is left is to go with the flow. Success or failure, it has been decided and our life's course is set and nothing we can do will change anything that God has already decided. We can only go with the flow and hope..... well, hope is kind of useless to..... just go with the flow and see where life takes us: failure or success, life or death. Its all in God's hands, and He doesn't change His mind, so no sense in praying to Him about it.

Discouragement

I am beyond discouraged. I had the opportunity to get a new job and had my hopes up - stupid move, I should learn by now not to get my hopes up. I'd gone so far as to look at apartment prices on craigslist and did a rough budget, excited about the prospect of getting out on my own again, out of my parents' basement, but it was not to be. I could have had the job, but there was too much they didn't tell me up front about it. It just would not have been a good idea to take it. I'm starting to wonder if I should have quit my former job. Sure, I got so much crap dealt to me that I dreaded the start of each work day. Sure, I was dying on the inside and didn't make enough to get my own place, but at least I was making money.

Since I got back to God, I haven't wished that I could kill myself - something I used to wish more than once a day, but I wished that yesterday. And today. What is the use of living? Does being a Christian cancel being a failure? No, it sure doesn't seem that way. God doesn't wave a magic wand and make me successful and confident.

This will sound like a pity party, and maybe it is in part, but even now, I find myself wondering why something can't go my way. I'm sick of the gay crap, sick of being lonely and wondering if I will ever love someone, be able to have a family - and sick of minimum wage jobs that don't pay enough to keep me afloat. I'm not good at anything - and that isn't my lack of confidence speaking. I'm not. All I have ever had in my entire life, was minimum wage jobs, and I barely made it. The last time I lived on my own was so bad, that I got in debt bad using credit cards. And not just for unnecessary stuff, but for food, gas, etc.

I wish God would just take me when I am where I should be spiritually. Even at my best times emotionally and spiritually, I look at the future and wonder and fear it. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I'm not attracted to women. I'm cursed with an attraction and desire for other men, something God cruelly says no to.

I've looked and searched for jobs. Any I am interested in require experience. How does one get that if they won't hire you with none?!

I didn't pray and read my Bible last night. I found other ways to ease my discouragement, anger, and depression. Had I had the chance, that would have involved another man. I just didn't care. Am I angry at God? Maybe. I've been praying about finding a good job, been passing over ones that require Sunday work. I don't expect Him to drop the ideal job in my lap, but some help would be appreciated...... but its not really anger over the work situation. Its anger that He bothered to let me live. That He created me. And whatever for? I am not good at anything. I have no redemptive qualities. I am a failure as a man, a Christian - I'm even a failure as a gay man. Research has showed that a lot of gay men tend to be affluent - guess that one benefit of being gay missed me.

I'm back to wondering if there is any advantage of being a Christian, other than to avoid hell. Wondering if I can do this, if there is any sense in trying. I'm too easily discouraged and defeated.

I long to have my own place. I'd hoped to before another winter. Its been 4 long years of having my stuff in storage. 4 long years of sleeping on a sofa bed in the basement of my parents' house. Not even having a door I can close and have quiet and privacy. No, only a sheet to use as a curtain when sleeping and changing clothes. I want out. Out of this house, out of this life, but the only way out seems to be by my own hand, and that is a one way ticket straight to hell. And I don't want that.

Do I go on, or give up? I don't know. Right now, I'm down, and don't feel like getting back up. God isn't a magic lamp I can rub and get what I want, but why can't He do SOMETHING?! He wants me to struggle forever with same-sex attractions and be so lonely I cry myself to sleep - fine! But why can't He at least help me get independent of my parents so I feel a little bit more like a man? I don't know. Maybe He likes the emasculated being I am, crushed under my parents' wishes and doomed to live like a bug under a microscope.

I did pray on the way home from turning down the useless job I'd been offered. Its a prayer I will probably continue to pray: "God, just kill me and let me go to Heaven. I don't want this." This thing, this existence called life.

Redeemed

"Redeemed"
Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed

We can live without sex

Someone recently made some statements that have stuck with me. They boil down to this: we can live without sex.

Where did we get the idea that we have to have sex to live a fulfilling life? A major part of the pro-gay argument is that we have as much right to have sex as anyone else, but who says we have to have sex? I know a lot of single and celibate heterosexuals. Sure, most of them are women, but is it any more fair for them to remain celibate than for gay people?

I believe Hollywood is to blame a lot for the ideas most Americans have. Abstinence is mocked. It seems the norm that teenagers will have sex, and too many people scoff at the idea of waiting until marriage.

Steven Crowder is a conservative actor and comedian. I've never met him, but he seems like a great guy, and is a Christian. He recently married, I think around the age of 25, and he and his wife both waited until marriage for sex. He wrote a column about it, and liberals and conservatives alike have been mocking him and putting him down. Pretty pathetic. That is the way it used to be. People waited til marriage to have sex, and it was looked down on to not do so.

My how times have changed. Now you're in the minority and mocked if you wait. Now you're mocked and in the minority if you're gay and try to avoid sex and live the way God wants.

No one has to have sex to live. It isn't like food, water, and air. You do have to have those to live. But sex? No. And sure, there is more than sex involved. I long for intimacy and don't want to be lonely, but there have been a lot of single people throughout history that made it, and so can we, with God's help.

According to the Bible, Jesus was both man and God, and He had the same temptations that we have. We don't tend to think about it, and it almost seems wrong to do so, but that means He was tempted sexually. And He never gave in. He was tempted to lust, tempted to have sex, but He didn't. He was on this earth in His physical form until He was 33 years of age. He went through the teen years and early 20's when a man is at his peak sexually and it seems everything you see arouses you.....yet He didn't sin.

Once you have sex, its harder to stop and avoid it. I've found that out. Many times I have wished I could go back and say no that first time, and any time after, but I didn't, and now its harder to say no. Harder, but possible.

Life is so much more than sex, and can be lived without it.

Taking up your gay mat

In a post I did a couple of weeks ago (original post here), I posted the lyrics and music video of a new song that really hit me hard and was the final thing to cause me to turn back to God. The song is still affecting me. When I am tempted to give up, I think about the words, especially the chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well.

The first verse talks about the crippled man at the pool who Jesus asked if he wanted to be healed, and told him to take up his mat (bed) and walk. That one line has really been on my mind - "are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?"

No matter what our sin and struggle, we have to do our part. Yes, God forgives and will help, but we don't just say a simple prayer of repentance and then its all easy going from then on. No, we have to work at it, do our part, and take up our "gay" mat. What does that entail? It may differ from person to person, but here are some ways I have come up with that I would say is taking up my mat and doing my part:

1) Pray. A lot. Homosexuality is a really rough struggle. It would be awesome if you could "pray the gay away", but it doesn't usually happen that way. However, praying about it, asking God for help and strength to not give into it - that does help.

2) Reading the Bible. Seems an obvious one for any Christian, but too many people don't read the Bible daily. I used to feel like I had to read at least one reasonably long chapter, or more, but I don't believe that is necessary. It doesn't hurt, but it is better to read a verse or two that sticks with you and you get something out of, than to read five chapters and you don't really get anything out of it. Bible reading for a Christian is not about just doing it to fill a quota, or because it is something we should do..... it is to help us.

3) Throwing some things away. I had to do this. Not every sin causes a person to accumulate "stuff", but even if it doesn't, often there are things we need to get rid of, and I definitely had some things I needed to throw out. Sad thing is, I dug them out of the outside garbage dumpster a couple of nights later. I threw the stuff away again and asked a couple of friends to ask me if I left them there til the garbage finally got picked up. And I did, though I was extremely tempted to go dumpster diving again. That brings me to the next one:

4) Accountability. As I stated already, homosexuality is a rough thing to deal with. And I could be wrong, but I think it is harder to deal with if a person has acted out, as I have. Not only do I have the lust and thought life to deal with, I have the knowledge of what it feels like to give in, to be with other guys sexually for pleasure. And yes, there is pleasure. If there wasn't, it wouldn't be so hard to get away from. Add pornography and masturbation to the mix, and yeah...... its a tough row to hoe. So you need accountability. People who will check up on you occasionally, ask you tough questions, people who will pray for you and won't mind if you call them, text, or shoot an email telling them you are in a bad spot or a weak moment. Its too easy to fall back into if you know no one is going to check up on you.

5) Be open. This is similar to the last, but different also. Be more open. It isn't always easy knowing who you can trust. I have told a lot of people, and so far, so good. To my knowledge, only one person has betrayed my trust, and that is a whole other story. And not everyone you tell is someone you are going to want to be accountable to, but it helps when people know. Not sure why. Maybe it is that whole "the truth shall set you free" thing.

6) Read books. There are several great books to read to help deal with having same-sex desires. One that I read recently and I am about to read again is Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. It is a great book for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, or for someone wanting to understand it better.

And there are other books outside of that topic that can help. Books about God's love, His grace, temptation, knowing God better, etc. Another great book I'd recommend is 13 Ways to Ruin Your Life by Jarrod Jones. It deals with sexual temptation in general, but is a great book and resource for people struggling with any sexual sin.

7) Journal or blog. It helps to write about your struggles. I don't like to write physically on paper much. I prefer typing, and started this blog to talk about my struggles. And it does help. Even with that accountability thing since I have some friends read this who do know who I am, and I am thankful for them.

8) Church. Another one that seems obvious, but no one is going to grow spiritually and overcome sin, if they don't get around other Christians regularly.

Other people could probably come up with some other ideas, and better ones, but after thinking about me and what I could and should do, these are the ones I came up with.

As I start this new chapter in my life, it is my prayer that God somehow use my struggles and the life I have lived, to help others. Hopefully, something I say on my blog may some day help someone else in some way. That is my hope and prayer.

And here is that song again:

Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither

Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

Verse 2:

Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

　

Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun

Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

Great video

Saw this video on Theblaze.com, more on the video and the priest here. I think it is well done, well thought out. I am sure he will get slammed by both sides.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

I had a great week-end, but today has had its frustrating and discouraging moments..... nothing really big, just a few smaller things, but by the time this evening came, I was a bit discouraged, and then a good friend of mine sent me a link to a song on Youtube. Wow, what a great song. It is one of those songs that could have been written for me. "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean"

Forgiven
If only you'd forgive yourself
You've been made new
But you're still standing where you fell

Cause when you look in the mirror
Seems like all you ever see
Are the scars of every failure and the you that you used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again

Forgiven
Just let that word wash over you
It's all right now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up and take step one
Now your new life has begun
And know that if the Son has set you free
Then you are free indeed

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again

Hope is reaching
From a rugged cross
Where a perfect love is captured
All the innocence that's lost

Mercy's calling
From an empty grave
So lift your eyes to heaven
And hear your Savior say

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again

First storm..... and grace

I messed up last night. Accessed porn on the computer, and did again this afternoon. All day I have felt like giving up. The devil was doing a pretty good job of discouraging me, and I was doing a pretty good job of beating myself up.

Music never ceases to amaze me. I love it, and God has really been using it in my life lately. It was a song that brought me to repentance, and it has been songs that have really been ministering to me lately. And it was a song that spoke to me late this afternoon. I got a live concert DVD of a group I like in the mail today and was watching it. It had a song on it that I already have by them on CD, but it hit me hard, and I found myself crying and knew that I could get back to my feet and plod on, that God wasn't mad at me, nor waiting to throw me out on my ear. The song is about grace, a common theme in the songs I have been listening to lately.

It seems like such an elementary and basic thing for those growing up in the church. I've sung "Amazing Grace" probably hundreds of times. I have pulled up all the songs on my Itunes that have "grace" in the title, and there are 82. There are a few repeats of course, but there are still a lot that are different, and I have been trying to soak up the idea.

I don't deserve it, but isn't one of the basic definitions of grace "unmerited, or undeserved, favor"? How did I miss it all these years, and why did I? If it was deserved, there is no way I would qualify, but the fact that I don't deserve it, totally, 100% qualifies me.

I'm sure this won't be the last time I stumble, or are discouraged and feel like giving up. That is one reason I am blogging, so I can come back and be reminded that I got back on my feet before, and can do it again.

What I need to remember, is though I will remember this fall, and the devil will help me to remember it, and will do his best to blow it out of proportion...... God won't remember, and has already forgiven me and forgotten it.

One thing that has really been sticking out to me lately, is the fact that God forgives, even when He knows we will go out and do the same thing again. Even knowing that, He still forgives and extends His grace. Wow.

There's a somewhat new song that I have been listening to. I had it on my Ipod and Itunes for 3 years, according to Itunes, but haven't heard it in maybe that amount of time, but it popped up under my "grace" songs. I put it on my last blog post, but am going to again. The song is "Only Grace" by Matthew West.

Only Grace by Matthew West

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.

7 days

It was 7 days ago that I got back to God, and decided I was going to do it right this time. I did mess up once: I had thrown out some "stuff" that I needed to get rid of, only to dig it out of the small outdoor dumpster 2 days later, and accessed porn on the computer. I repented, threw it out, and told a couple of friends to ask me if I left it there after the garbage pick up on Tuesday. I am happy to say that by God's grace, I didn't dig it out again, and it is gone for good. I was really tempted a few times, and it almost physically hurt to get rid of it, though that sounds like an exaggeration, it isn't.

I don't want to get into theological deep waters, but no matter what one believes about eternal security and falling from grace, I definitely have been a Christian before, and I definitely threw up my hands and gave up and lived for myself for the last 2+years, no praying, no reading my Bible, only indulging in my sinful pursuits. Even if you believe in eternal security, one doesn't just start doing everything right without repentance. I don't believe in eternal security, and believe one can walk away from God. And I did.

Anyway, I have gone through periods like this before, but never as long as this one lasted. I feel so totally different this time. More hopeful, happier. I am doing a lot better at believing God loves me. I am working at it, reading Scriptures about God's love, and asking Him to help me believe.

I feel there are a couple of things that have interfered with me truly breaking free and staying free over the years: struggling to believe God loves me, and the distorted view I have had of God - believing that He grudgingly forgave me and was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. I am doing a lot better in those two areas, thankfully, but really need to focus on believing He does love me, and that He truly wants to forgive me even more than I want forgiveness.

I've opened up more to more friends, and that is helping along with their prayers. I'm not saying there won't be temptations, struggles, or even failures, but things are different this time, and I hope and pray I stay true.

Only Grace by Matthew West

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.

Your grace is enough

I doubt we who struggle with same-sex attractions are the only ones with this thinking, but to me, it seems like I have been cursed with the worst struggle ever. No matter what the struggle, cross, or affliction, to he who bears it, it seems worse than anything out there. But it isn't. There are worse things I could have to deal with than being attracted to the same gender. Does that make it any easier to deal with? Nope, not at all.

The devil has been called the father of lies, and for good reason. He is the biggest liar there is - even more than our current president :-)  - and he is good at it. Unfortunately, I have believed him and fallen for his lies all too often. He has made me believe that my struggle is the worst thing ever, that it will always get the best of me, and that its even too big for God to deal with.

He has convinced me that it is such a terrible sin, that I can't be completely, 100% forgiven for it.That I have sinnned too many times, that I was beyond redemption. Those are all lies of course. God can and will forgive any sin, and He is far more patient, forgiving, and longsuffering than we could ever imagine. Homosexuality is just another sin He died for and is willing to forgive.

I'm not a big fan of Praise and Worship music. I like some of it, but it isn't my favorite genre' by far. There is a Praise and Worship song that has really been ministering to me in the last few days though: Your Grace Is Enough by Chris Tomlin. It is a great song, and is a great reminder for today, and the coming days that His grace IS enough. Even for me, and my sins and struggles. Satan is a liar. I am not beyond redemption or God's love, and God can change me. His grace is truly enough

Your Grace Is Enough

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me [x2]

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Your grace is enough
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me

Repost: Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church

This goes along with my last blog post, how to help. I posted this quite a while back, but its good enough to share again:

Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church

I found this on PFOX (Parents and friends of ex-gays). I did not write it, though I could have.... or any gay male sitting in the church:

Dear Church,

I’m in such pain; I just had to write something to someone, because there’s no one to call at this hour. Don’t think poorly of me because I am still learning to lean on God… and because sometimes I need arms to hold me; even God said it is not good that man be alone. I don’t want to disturb anyone at this hour. I’m afraid if I did, they would reject me… people seem to be eager to help when it’s convenient. For me to call someone now would be inconvenient, and I could not take the possible rejection on top of the pain I already feel in my heart. Sometimes the stuff I'm forbidden to have can look awfully good when I'm feeling empty on the inside, with no one to call.

I like what I’ve learned from the bible, even though it’s hard to accept some things. But I need more; I need to see Jesus modeled by the Church. I need to see you who believe actually BE the ears, arms, and eyes of God. I need friends. I need guys in my life I can get together with - pals, buddies… I need the stuff I didn't get growing up, and that most guys don't have time for in the Church - because they have families and fathers and careers already. But I don’t need a baby sitter or a teacher; I need a human being who cares and who is willing and able to be a friend. I need men in my life who will love me where I’m at, who are willing and able to spend time with me; I need men to show me examples of what a healthy relationship between men looks like, not just an hour a week at Sunday school… but in real life.

I think guys who have families forget what being single is like... some will argue the reverse, that I’m better off single… but they don’t know what they have – and they would rethink things if they found themselves alone, as I am. They want to fix me, and think that I should bury myself in work like they do; but maybe that burial is why their marriages are dying. Maybe I’m not the only sick one here – maybe most guys are just as scared as I am over sharing their hearts. I've had several suggest that the right job would fix my loneliness... but I know from personal experience that work doesn’t fill the need for human contact, and the secular workplace doesn’t fill the need for Godly relationships with other men.

Sometimes you, men of the Church, make comments that I’m too open, and sometimes I think to myself, “You should be a man, keep the feelings in and be strong.” But is this really what God wants – or is it male pride? I think those words “Be strong” are whispered directly from Satan’s mouth into my ear… and the ear of every man… because in my strength, I draw away from needing God and others, and I am really weak – even though my pride fools me into thinking I am powerfully “self-reliant”. And when I am weak, I am strong, because I am more connected with God and with other men… because I need them.

Heck, the people I can relate to most in any setting seem to be the older ones or the kids - because most of the guys my age have lost something that kids and older people have. I don't know what it is, maybe people my age are too arrogant, too set in our ways, too proud, or too busy to be bothered with such “trivial” things as friendship and love. I miss friends from my old life… because even though some of those interactions might have been sinful, at least I had friends who would spend time with me. The Church can seem pretty sterile when the only time I see you – you who call themselves “brothers and sisters” – is in a bible study or at church. I feel like I'm starving for human interaction, when all I get is two or three hours a week in groups. Is this what you would call “ministering”?

Do you, dear Church, want to know the real reason I stumble into pornography and gay sin? It is for one reason: I am starved for relationship, for friendship, for touch... but I am afraid to ask, and be told “no” yet again. The pornography might be sin, but at least the “high” took my mind off the pain of isolation for a little while, when you weren’t willing to; and pornography is always there; you, men of the Church, are not. It made me forget my loneliness. When life gets tough, you have wives and family to comfort you – or at the very least to keep you occupied. When my life gets tough, married men tell me to seek comfort in God – spoken from the comfort of their wives arms. This is convenient… for them. I have put work into relationships, and you didn’t have time, dear Church. It’s funny how you have time to condemn homosexuals, to rally to abolish gay marriage, or get on the band wagon over this cause or that, all in the name of God. But you don’t have time to be friends with a homosexual who wants to change. If I were to define hell, it would be "a void of relationship". If I were to point to a place on earth where I have found the most hell, it has been within the walls of the Church. I’m tired of all the verses and the theory. You want me to change; stop talking and SHOW me how to be a loving Christian in Godly relationships by LIVING that theory with me, by inviting me into these relationships… or I will stumble – and you, men of the Church, will not be guiltless.

I want to live life, to share life with people. There seems to be no outlet for me – the single male struggling with sexual brokenness – to do this, other than little bits here and there. I have much to offer, along with my peers, even though I am also needy. I want the touch of another human being. I want it to matter when I laugh and when I cry, and I want the tears and laughter of others to matter to me. I am frustrated by so many things in not only our society, but in the Church; men do not know how to love one another as God intended... if we all did, there wouldn't be so much homosexuality; it is a backlash, a result of men not loving as they should... including you, men of the Church.

I have one dream... I want Jesus to hold me, to let me cry, to sob, to let my body shake with the grief of the losses I have felt in my life. I want him to be there and hold me through it, whether I cry for a minute, a day, or a year... until finally there are no more tears left. And then I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be safe. I want to go back, to be a kid again, and to get what I didn't get back then, what I can't get now by myself, but which can only come through Jesus and through other men in a healthy way. I am frustrated and angry - and I feel cheated, that I have no attraction to women, that I have no family. I have worked so hard simply to overcome the trauma of the rejection I went through from my father... he didn't mean to do it, but I carry those deep scars, and they go right to the foundation of my heart.

Do you want to crucify the homosexual, or save him? If you want to save him, here I am, and I’m asking to be saved. I’m asking you to be Christ’s arms and ears, to hold me and let me cry, to let me know Jesus does care about me – that even though I feel rejected and broken and alone, at least someone does care. Or do you want to help in theory, so you can feel good about yourselves? Or maybe it’s just easier to throw the first stone. Some days, I would thank you for throwing that stone; the pain would end.

I know you can't fix me. You may not know what to say. Men of the Church, you think you have to say something profound to "fix" others. Wrong. You are here to teach me God’s ways by EXAMPLE, to be examples of love in a world of hatred. Ironically, I – the homosexual – am here to teach you, too, men of the Church. “To teach us?” you may ask in shock. Yes, to teach you something you’ve forgotten; we are here to teach you the strength of vulnerability, the power of facing the truth - we are powerless, that we are all broken and we can fix nothing... that Jesus died to fix us. When in my weakest moments I share with you, I am doing what God wants me to. I am an example of vulnerability, and my example gives you – men of the Church – permission to shed your masks of self-strength and self-righteousness. Listen and learn, men of the Church: we can’t put on God’s armor, until we first take off our own useless armor… and we can’t do that until we set our pride aside, and get honest with one another. I’m ready. Are you?

What you can do

I've been texting a good friend of mine today, and this blog post came about as a result. What can people do to help those struggling with same-sex attractions? I don't have all of the answers, but I am gay, so I do have some answers.

And by struggling, I do mean people who know and admit homosexuality is wrong.

I have seriously lost track of how many people know about my same-sex attractions/struggles. I'd say at least 30, maybe more. I've gotten a lot more open about it, and rarely hesitate to tell people if given a chance. In fact, were it not for fear of hurting my family, I'd just go public completely, but if I truly felt God wanted me to do so, I would do so.

The reactions have been pretty good. I never had anyone outwardly act with revulsion or condemnation. Most people never mention it, but I don't feel like anyone avoids me that knows.

That said, there aren't many people who are a big help to me. A few pray, and I know they do. Maybe others do that never say anything. Prayer is great, but there are other things:

1) Love. In almost every person struggling with same-sex attraction, is a lack of love -  or at least a perceived lack of love. And sometimes, it is a lack of love, so love them, and put action to your love.

There is a book that was really popular a few years back: The Five Love Languages. The book spawned a few similar titles. There was even one for singles. The book does get it right. We all have different things/ways that make us feel loved. Maybe someone needs to write one about the five love languages of gay people.

2) Touch. I can still remember the last time my father hugged me and showed me affection. I was 8 or 9, and I was crushed. My mom came into my room and told me my dad thought I was too old to hug and kiss good night, and just like that, it stopped.

My family in general isn't big on hugging, so over the years, as I got older, the hugs came less. I have one sister that lives a few hours away, and she will usually hug when arriving and leaving, and thank God I have my nieces and nephews who are happy to hug. But for the most part, no adults, other than some friends I don't see often.

I am coming from the standpoint of a gay male, as that is what I am - and we really need male affirmation and affection. So especially if you're a guy and have a friend that struggles with same-sex attraction - hug him. If not hugs, any touch helps. A pat on the shoulder or back, a light slug to the arm - they may seem small to you, but to him they say you care, that you like him. You aren't going to catch it from him by touching him, and he isn't going to jump on you and rape you - show him you care. And any hug is good - so ladies don't be afraid to do it also. I have female friends who hug me when I see them, and I love it.

3) Talk. It depends on the person, and on how well you know them, but be willing to talk about their struggles. What they think caused them, whatever. I haven't talked about it much with most of the people that know, but there are a few people I have talked to at length about it, and it helps. And it is great way to learn more about it. I am perfectly willing to talk about it, I just fear most people don't want to.

4) Learn. There are a lot of great books and articles written from a Christian and conservative viewpoint about homosexuality. Read up on it, and let your friend know. My Sunday School teacher read a book about it, and it made me feel good that he cared enough to do so. And it helps if you know something about the struggle, even from reading.

5) Be available. My pastor has told me many times to call him any time of the day or night. Some people might abuse that. I do the opposite. I fear bothering people. I could be drowning and hesitate to ask for help. I am doing a little better with that, but it does help to make yourself available to talk or pray. A side note: I actually did call my pastor a few years ago around 1am. I was having a major battle and wanted him to pray for me. He insisted on driving to my apartment to do it in person. I never forgot that.

6) Meeting them. One of the biggest battles for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, is loneliness. If you truly want to be a help, that is an area to help in. Granted, people have their own lives and you can't be around someone 24/7, but even an occasional contact helps. Invite them over for pizza and a movie, take them out to eat - anything to help them battle the loneliness and feeling that they are all alone in their struggle.

You can't realize what it is like unless you have been there yourself, but you can help. And I think this is one area the church has dropped the ball: homosexuality. We have made it into such a horrible sin, that too many teenagers and adults are afraid to come forward for help, and when some do, they are met with fear, indifference, condemnation, and are often ostracized.

Guys - and women - like me, need help. Not to minimize God and his help, but we can't do it on our own. And we shouldn't have to. God's family needs to help and love us through it. Not many are willing, and the few who are, have no idea what to do. I hope this blog post has helped.


Those are a few I came up with. And prayer does help, and is a biggie, especially telling them you are praying.

Turning a page

As I have stated in recent posts, I have been slowly changing behaviors, thought patterns, and some other things in my life. I've been praying and reading my Bible, but still needed to repent and make some other changes.

I got a new CD this week and it has a song on it that has really been impacting me. The first verse talks about the man sitting at the pool in the Bible waiting to be healed who Jesus did heal. The chorus asks this:

Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well. (full lyrics and video at the end of the post)

I loved the song the first time I listened to it, and have been playing it over and over. I felt like God was asking me if I really wanted to be healed, free, and whole, and if I was willing to do my part - to take up my "mat".

The second verse goes:

Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?

And yes, I have gotten used to the chains and the pain. I played this song several times last night, and was really getting hit hard with that line "are you willing to take up your mat." I knew some of what that involved. I had some things I needed to get rid of, and I felt like God was asking me to get rid of the stuff now, before I repented and gave Him control of my life. I made the decision to do so, wondering if I could go "cold turkey" without truly having His help. And then I felt Him ask me, why wait. If I was going to ask forgiveness, give Him control, then why not now - why wait?



There is a lot of debate about eternal security, once-saved-always saved, or the belief you can fall from grace, truly walk away from God. Regardless of who is right, I have not lived as a Christian nor served God for over two years, and definitely needed to repent and ask forgiveness, and to surrender my all to God, whether or not He had been in my heart all along or not.

Oddly enough, I think one thing that really helped me to come to this place faster, was quitting my job last Friday. I've had too much negativity in my life, and have been trying to change that, and my job was a big negative in my life. Maybe that is why I had been feeling the urge to quit it - maybe God knew I needed it out of the way before I would be ready to make a decision for Him. I could be wrong, and the timing could be a coincidence, but I don't think it was coincidence.

Also work-related, the Sunday work issue really bothered me. I see things a little differently in that regard, but it is still something I'd like to avoid, or at least do rarely. I had wondered how I'd deal with it when I did start serving God again, and it was a hang up and hold up in doing so.

It won't be easy. On top of the same-sex attraction and pornography addictions, I still have the depression issue - though it is at a much lower level than it had been - my struggle about God's love, and I am unemployed now - it feels good now, but if I stay employed very long, it is an area that I could be discouraged.

If you're reading this blog post, I'd ask that you please pray for me in the coming days. The devil isn't going to sit back and leave me alone. He will attack and fight. Pray that I won't give in.

Hopefully, the tone of my blog will change. I have been honest and open in my posts here, sometimes brutally so. I have written a lot of dark and hopeless stuff, and will leave it up. It might do me good some time to see where I have been.

I will still have battles. It isn't easy being single and struggling with same-sex attractions. I plan on blogging about it, but hopefully it will be more upbeat and positive, and will be about successes on this journey of life, and not failure.

Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither


Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

Verse 2:

Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

　

Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun

Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well


　

Unemployed

Today I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I didn't get fired or laid off. My place of employment didn't close. I quit. On the spot. It was one of those "straws that broke the camel's back" moments.

I've been wanting to quit for months, and lately I have had this strong feeling that I should quit, to give my 2 week notice. I am not where I need to be with God, so I hesitate to say it was Him, but it sure seemed like it was coming from Him. This was more than my desire to quit. This was an urge from inside me somewhere that I should do it.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I have been praying and reading my Bible lately, something I had not been doing for at least two years. Those prayers revolve around asking God to help me believe that He loves me, helping me to find Him, to learn more about what He is really like instead of the mean judgemental God I have tried to serve, and work. I have been praying that He would help me find something better. Something where I didn't have to work Sundays. Then came this weird urging to give my notice. I went so far as to ask God to show me somehow if I should do so. Maybe today was an answer to that prayer? I don't know. I wouldn't imagine God would want me to quit on the spot, but the events of today, and even yesterday, seemed to give me the push I needed. And in hindsight, I wish I had given a 2 week notice a few weeks ago. But I do not feel regretful.

I do have worries. I have enough in my savings that I could go a few months without work and pay the few bills that I have, plus I do have another paycheck coming. But life isn't as certain when you don't have a job to go to.

I am hoping this gives me the push I need to job search harder. When I have a job and want a new one, I don't look as hard as I need to look. However, when I don't have a job, I look harder for a one.

This opens a new chapter in my life. And I needed a new chapter. Whether you know me or not, I ask that you'd keep me in your prayers. That I find God in the way I need, and that I find the right job, one where I am not forced to work on Sundays. Thank-you if you do.

Married and gay

I was out to eat with a good friend of mine recently, and this subject came up because of a relationship that personally involves/affects her. She knows about my sexual struggles and is one of the few people who know who seems willing to talk about it. She asked me if I believe men who have same-sex attractions can marry and make it work, and if I thought I could.

There has been a lot said and written about it, and I of course have my opinions on the subject, but that is no easy question, nor is there any easy answers to it.

The sad truth is, all too many men who have same-sex attractions, marry in hopes that it will cure them. It rarely does. Over the years, I have run across a lot of married men in gay chat rooms, on gay personals, and anywhere else guys meet to hook up. Early on, I made the decision not to hook up with married guys, if I know ahead of time they are married.  Yeah, such high standards coming from a  guy who has been with so many men sexually that I can't put an exact number on it, just a ballpark estimate. Thing is, no ifs, ands, or buts about it: sex between two men (or two women) is wrong. God said so, and not just in the Old Testament. So whether the guy is married or not, it is wrong to do anything sexual with him. But I don't want to do anything to help in the break-up of a marriage. I don't want to be the "other woman."

I'm not out to judge guys who are married and having sex with guys, for I sure can't cast the first stone, or any stone. But there are reasons I never married. First off, I never felt attracted enough to a woman to go that far, and feared I would not be able to perform sexually or truly love a woman. Secondly, I was afraid if it did work, I would give into the temptation to have sex with other guys. Marriage is a sacred institution, ordained by God. If I got in it, it would be for the long haul. Divorce would not be in the equation. So as badly as I wanted - and want - to marry, I was afraid to try it. I had no illusions of it curing me. I was afraid of failure and of hurting someone else. If I made a vow, I wanted to make sure I would honor and keep it. And truthfully, I'm not sure I could.

It is surprising the amount of married guys there are that struggle and/or act out. Not only have I run across a lot in my wanderings on the wrong path, but I also have on the right path. Some years back, I took a course from Setting Captives Free. They have several courses on line, and one is geared for guys dealing with SSA. I took one, and after a while became a "mentor", which meant I had to help other guys taking the course. My mentor was a married guy. The guy in charge of the course was a married guy. At least a third. possibly half of the guys I dealt with were married. Only God knows how many married men in our churches are dealing with this silently and alone. Some better than others.

Should guys that struggle with same-sex attractions marry, or even consider marrying? I believe it depends on a couple of factors. And this is me talking, not something I am quoting.

1) He should marry if he is truly attracted to and loves the woman he is going to marry. So what if he is still attracted to other guys. Any normal heterosexual man is attracted to other women and has to keep that in check and have eyes for only his wife.

I read something a man wrote that had done this. He said he still was not attracted sexually any woman other than his wife, but that was enough. And shouldn't that be any woman's dream?

2) That he goes into that marriage understanding how important his vow is that he is taking, not just in front of men, but in front of God, and does all he can to honor that vow and remain faithful.

Jesus himself had a lot to say about lust. What guys like me forget or lose sight of, is that the average red-blooded heterosexual male has sexual struggles and battles also. They are faced with all kinds of temptations to look and lust after women they aren't married to, temptations of porn, affairs. They have the temptation to look at scantily clad women just as much as I have to look at guys that are wearing next to nothing.

3) They need to remember it is still cheating, still adultery, if they do have sex with another guy. No excuses. They are breaking their vow.


The second part of my friend's question: Could I ever marry. I have been thinking about this, and thinking about married guys who have sex with other guys, and I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I don't think the reason for guys caving in and having sex with other guys is simply a failure to overcome their sexual struggles. I don't think my not being able to marry is because of a failure to overcome my sexual struggles. It really has nothing to do with same-sex attractions or being gay, and yet it does because that is what we struggle with.

I believe it is a spiritual problem, not sexual. And yes, I admit the possibility of being wrong, but hear me out. I will admit I have never reached the place where I had the kind of relationship with God that I wanted. That others have. It wasn't as much a relationship, as an acquaintance. I never quite have believed He loved me. I never really felt like I loved Him. I tried to keep the rules and do enough to get by so I could make it to Heaven, but never really fully surrendered myself and my sexuality to Him. I never nailed it to the cross. Oh, I tried to overcome it, tried to break the cycle, but down deep, I wanted what I wanted. Down deep, I blamed God for these desires and was angry about them.

I think it is Biblical to say that if we get to the place where we need to be with God, anything is possible. Anything. Even having same-sex attractions and being married to a woman, loving her, and staying faithful. There have been men who were very promiscuous with other women and porn, but were transformed by God, married and were faithful. If He can do that for a heterosexual man, can't He do it for a gay one? Of course.

If we are surrendered, faithful,  and committed 100% to God, then commitment to the person we are married to is possible. Temptations will still come. We all have them. The guy with same-sex attractions thinks his are worse than the heterosexual man's, and they aren't. They are different in some ways, and they seem worse, but sex is sex, immorality is immorality, desire is desire, lust is lust. Doesn't matter the gender of the other person, anything outside of sex between a married man and woman is sin and God does not approve.

I really believe that if I could get to the place where I truly believe God loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons, and be completely surrendered to Him, that marriage would be possible for me. It isn't His fault I am single, but my own. But my relationship with God has been too shallow, based on the wrong reasons and beliefs for me to have ever gotten to that place.

And I am not naive to believe it would be a bed of roses even then, but life rarely is. The alcoholic who becomes a Christian is still only a drink away from falling off the wagon. The former drug addict only one shot or snort away from going back to his old life. No matter what our struggle or temptation, God can help us conquer it and stay on top of it, but it will never happen if we are playing around the edges of sin and are not completely focused and committed on a relationship with Him. Can I get there? I hope so. I am working on it. And not in the hopes that I can marry. No, in the hopes that I can finally have the relationship with God that I have longed for all my life.

There was another part of my answer to my friend. I told her that even if I could make it work, what woman would want to marry a guy that had been with over 200 men sexually? I was somewhat surprised by her reply. I can't remember it word for word, but it was something like this: "You might be surprised. Things like that aren't always as much of a big deal to women as you might think. And there are a lot of heterosexual guys who have been with a lot of women and marry. How is that any different?"

Interesting food for thought. I may never have to deal with that, but I did have something surprising happen to me a few years back. I won't give many details, as I do try to remain anonymous on this blog, but I was asked out on a date by a woman. It was surprising for more than one reason. One reason it was surprising, is she is at least 13 years younger than me. The other reason? She knew of my struggles and that I had been with other guys sexually. So maybe my friend is correct. And in case you wonder, I did turn her down. I had no confidence it would work on my part, plus in a few months it would have become a very, very long distance relationship. We are talking different countries.

I've probably rambled some, as I tend to do, but from reading, personal observations, and my own thinking, I do believe it is possible for a man that has same-sex attractions and has even acted out, to marry a woman and make it work. But he needs to be fully committed to his wife and to God, and be determined to make it work.

And might I add, the single guy, like myself, needs to be just as committed to be true and faithful and pure, though there is no marriage partner involved, it is still sin, and something that needs to be overcome. Not trying to let myself off the hook.

Church and AA, borrowed post

This post was not written by me, but I thought it was really good and echoes my own feelings. Written by author Francine Rivers. Orginal post here.

Church and AA

                          

Having known and loved several alcoholics over the years, I have on occasion attended AA meetings in order to understand and empathize with those suffering. Although I don’t drink, everything I heard was applicable. I felt connected.

Everyone had a place. Someone ordinary opened the meeting. A Preamble was read which stated the mission of AA, and someone else read an introduction to how it works giving the core of the AA program. Everyone is reminded that there is anonymity. What is said in the meeting stays in the meeting. There are twelve steps, all of which apply to my life before I was a Christian and what my life is now learning to walk one-day-at-a-time in faith. A speaker meeting has someone give their testimony on how working the AA program helped them stop drinking. In other meetings, a topic is chosen and people enter into discussion. In a “big book” meeting, the focus is on the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and attendees read and discuss a section. A “step study” focuses on discussing one of the twelve steps. I listened carefully and learned and gained hope from the experience they shared as recovering alcoholics and those still striving for sobriety. The meeting ended with people joining hands and praying. No one leaves without the offer of a list of telephone numbers for people willing to help in time of crisis or literature that will inspire and give hope through daily struggles.

This is what I loved about AA:
An open greeting to everyone. Warmth and welcome were offered to all. A feeling of safe haven for those down deep in disease and desperate for hope.

A preamble and explanation of what AA is and what it has to offer.

Meetings with meat: personal testimonies that gave hope, topical studies directed at common struggles; study of the BIG BOOK, study of steps to recovery.

An emphasis on sharing personal experience and hope.

A safe place to be completely honest about personal struggles and the opportunity to confess without condemnation. “Hi. My name is Francine and I’m a sinner.”

A list of phone numbers of supportive friends before walk you out the door.
Literature to inspire you between meetings.

Holding hands and praying together.

You know what? AA reminded me of what a church can and should be.

Norman Vincent Peale and me

Most people are familiar with Norman Vincent Peale and his book The Power of Positive Thinking. Too much can be made it, and there is a lot of psycho babble that comes into play, but there is something to be said for positive thinking,

Due to a couple of things in my life, I have been doing a lot of thinking and evaluating my life lately. I am tired of being depressed and have come to the realization that I can at least partly change that. I have been way too negative in my thinking and have fallen for the devil's lies too easily.

I read a book recently that was fiction, but it dealt with believing the lies of the devil, and it helped me look at that in a different light. He doesn't just lie about spiritual things like "you don't have to be that good", etc. He also tells us things like "you can't do anything right", "no one likes you", "you are a failure." It may sound naive' of me, but I guess I never thought about some of these negative things like I mentioned coming from the devil. Obviously God doesn't tell us that kind of garbage, so I don't know where I thought they were coming from.

No one can change overnight, but I have been working on changing. I have been trying to go with old Norm's advice and think more positive, and it IS helping. I don't mean to discount God and what He can do, but I was so depressed for so long that I couldn't pray. I gave up. It felt like my prayers were bouncing back off the ceiling, If you have never dealt with depression, you can't understand it. It becomes hard and near impossible to separate the emotions from the spiritual. It all just blends together.

It isn't mere psycho babble, but I have tried to quit my negative thinking and am trying to ignore the devil's lies. I can't say I am depression-free, but I am better than I have been for a couple of years. I have changed enough that I am praying again and reading my Bible.

I am still screwed up enough that I am not ready to attempt serving God yet. I'd just cave at the first temptation or trial. Most Christians would disagree with my approach, but I am trying to change some things before I take that step. I am trying to get in the habit of praying and reading my Bible daily, even if it is one verse. Does God hear my prayers when I am not right with Him? I don't know...... I grew up hearing it preached that the only prayer God hears from a sinner is repentance. Some would say I am not a sinner since I have been a Christian. I am not a Bible expert, but I know when God is in my heart and when He is not. And currently, He is not. But who says He is not listening? I am not asking for much. I pray that He will help me believe again, that He will help me to truly believe He loves me, and that He will help me find a better job and one where I will not have to work Sundays.

The believing in God's love is also something I am working on. I try to tell myself that God loves me on occasion now, instead of telling myself that He doesn't, like I usually do. Will that help? I hope so. It cannot hurt.

I have said it before, but I have been guilty of making my sexual struggles bigger than God Himself. No, I don't understand why He never changed them, took them away, but Paul asked God to take away his thorn in the flesh, whatever it was, and God didn't. So the fact that God didn't change me should not be reason to think its too big for Him. Did I pray enough for strength to deal with it? Was I willing for Him to use my struggles for His glory? If I am honest, I'd say the answer to both questions is no.

I wish I had the answers. Why doesn't God take away these desires? Why doesn't He turn me heterosexual? Must I be alone, celibate,  and single all of my days? Is it possible for a guy to live a pure life and be gay? Oh, well meaning people would tell me God can give me the strength and anything is possible with God...... and that is true, but pat and trite comments like that don't cut it.

But that kind of thinking doesn't fit in with my "positive thinking." Norman would be ashamed of me.

On to other things. I've been thinking a lot lately, and its odd how something will reinforce my thinking. A chat with a friend, something I read in a book (that happened tonight).

I believe I need to get some space from my parents. They may not mean to be, and may have my best interests at heart, but they are too controlling. I believe it has been crippling to me emotionally and spiritually, and has hindered my ability to view myself as an adult and a man, and has hindered my ability to be that. I really need to get a better job and my own place again, and my own life.

For too long, I have sat at home all alone, wishing I wasn't alone. I need to get my own life. Get out and do stuff, meet new people. Oh, I have no illusions that it will be easy and it won't happen overnight, but if I am to be a single guy all of my life, then I need to really get with it and living my own life.

One last thing, and then I need to get to bed. I am trying to be more thankful. Sure, I have issues and problems and a lot that needs to change in my life, but I have so much to be thankful for, so I am trying to be. And that is also a help to beating depression and negativity.

Lessons from Jonah

I recently was priveledged to see a great production of the Bible story of Jonah. It was both entertaining and moving. They brought out the Gospel in it like I never got from reading the Biblical narrative of the story. It was powerful.

The best scene was after Jonah gave his message to the people of Ninevah. They repented, stripped off their outer armor and royal robes and sang the following song. I found the song on Youtube and will put the video also:


I’m Free

By Don Harper

I was shackled in the chains of my own making
Drowning in a sea of all my woe
Somehow I knew a reckoning was coming
Bitter tears would only sting this ravaged soul
Then the God of earth and Heaven
He showed Himself among us
And falling to my knees, I finally prayed
“Jehovah God on high
If I live or if I die
Take this burden of my sin away”

And now I am free
I’m finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of my Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now I’m free
I am free, oh yes I am free

I am free, thank God I am free!
In the mercy and grace that You give each morning
We will sing Your praise
Every voice we will raise
To the end of our days
We will bless Your name
And now I’m free
I am finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of the Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me

For now we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes we’re free
Free, we’re free.
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes, we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh, we’re free
We’re free!

They sang this song twice. The second time, Jonah led it as the closing song of the production. The song is powerful and I cried both times. It loses some of its power on a CD. It was so much more seeing people in repentance singing it. It really hit me hard.

I had some thoughts I wanted to get down as I watched the show, and will do my best to get them across in my bumbling way:

1) Everyone has a Ninevah.
At some point in any Christian's life, there is going to be something He fears to do, yet knows that he needs to. There is going to be something God wants him to do that he doesn't want to do.

Right there in that theater, my Ninevah came to me. Homosexuality. I know God wants me to walk away from it forever, yet it is so hard to do so. It has woven its chains around my heart, soul, and mind.

And they aren't the only chains I wear. I told someone recently that I am in bondage to my family, especially my parents. They want to keep me close by where they can monitor me, make sure I am living up to their expectations. I have had this strong feeling lately that I need some space between them and I to be what God wants, not what they want. That will be hard, and although I can't claim to be where I need to be with God yet, I am already praying to Him about it. I made the statement to a friend of mine, and it is true: if it came down to knowing God wanted me to do something, and my parents didn't want me to do it....... I'm not sure I could do what God wanted me to do.

Another chain is religion. I was raised in a strict conservative church. A lot of focus is on the outward. Too much. I grew up judging people's Christianity by how they look. Is the outward important? Yes. The Bible does talk about modesty, and I believe it is Biblical that men should look like men and women like women. If you can't tell what gender someone is, how is that pleasing to God........ but should men tell us how to dress? What to do and what not to do? If people really want to please God, they won't need rules from their church. They will let God show them. And if they really love God and want to please Him, they won't try to get as close to the edge of what is right or wrong.

The day may come when I need to change churches, or just get away from the church and seek out what God expects from me. I would face a lot of pressure and be fought on that, but can I run from that? Should I just do what my church says and what my parents expect to keep others happy?

Another Ninevah: I have felt for some time that God wants to use my struggles. That scares me. I don't mind talking about them on a blog where I am anonymous or even talking one on one, but to come out in public.... yikes. I feel like running already.

2) When you are running from something, you are running to something else, and often that is worse than what you are running from.
This thought isn't original with me. That statement was made in the Jonah production, and it really hit home. And it is true. Not just for Jonah. I thought about this, and it is true for me.

This may sound I like I made it up, but when I heard that statement, it was if God leaned down and told me that I had been running toward homosexuality all these years, and it was worse than what I was running from.

For years, I have been running. Running from loneliness, from negative feelings. Any time I felt those emotions, I'd turn to pornography and anonymous sex to ease the loneliness and emptiness within me.

But the thing is, what I ran to was worse than what I was running from. I cannot describe the feelings I have experienced with so many sexual encounters. Many were with guys whose names I didn't even know. There were times I dabbled in things that I never thought I would, just to fill a void. But the void got worse.

Can a gay guy find a solution to loneliness in homosexuality? Can they find love? Some may for a while. Gay relationships just don't last very long. And I have to wonder about the ones that do. Is it really love, or is it just a really close friendship. From what I have seen, most gay relationships that last a long time have a few things in common:

1) One or both of the couple is cheating on the other.
2) The couple has a 3rd or more in to have fun with
3) Sex is rare and sometimes non-existent

God has never, and will never, ordain a sexual relationship between people of the same gender, and that is why I believe the relationships don't last. I have thought about totally walking away from what I know is right, embrace my gayness and seek a relationship, but it wouldn't last. In the end, I would be worse off than ever, and more broken.

How much better off I would have been if I had run from homosexuality instead of running toward it. I haven't escaped loneliness or emptiness. I feel more lonely than ever and more empty and broken than I was before I took those steps to pursue my desires, instead of God's. What I ran toward is indeed worse than what I ran from. And in running toward my sexual desires, I ran from God and what He wanted for my life.

3) God gives second (and more) chances.
Through Jonah. God said He was going to destroy Ninevah in 40 days. After they repented, God let them live and did not destroy them. And Jonah got a second chance to do what God had commanded him to do. Where would any of us be if God did not give us more than one chance? Most of us would not be alive. And He has given me countless chances.

4) We don't always get what we deserve.
Jonah didn't deserve to get out of the whale. He was a prophet of God who was determined to not do what God wanted him to do, yet God gave him a wake-up call instead of death. And the people of Ninevah deserved to be destroyed. They were wicked, yet God forgave them when they repented and did not destroy the city.

I hate to think of what I deserve. AIDS, death...... yet I am healthy. I've had a few scares, yet I am alive and healthy. After having sexual encounters with 200+ men...... could it be because God has a plan for my life in spite of all my mess ups, all my sin, all my running?

5) God can and will forgive anyone.
The devil is a powerful and smart enemy and strategist. He doesn't just have one weapon, he has countless weapons. One is lies. If he can get us to believe certain lies, most of his battle is won. He has had me convinced that God doesn't care, doesn't love me, that I have sinned to badly and too often to ever be completely forgiven. But that is a lie.

God can and will forgive anyone. He forgave the wicked people of Ninevah. If the Colorado shooter would repent and seek God, God would forgive him. He would still need to face punishment for his crimes, but God would forgive him...... so why not me? Yes, I have sinned and been far from what God wanted, but I am not beyond redemption, I have not done anything God will not forgive. And I need to remind myself of that daily.

6) God can use anyone. After running from what God asked him to do, and being swallowed by a fish, Jonah didn't seem like someone that God could use, but he was. And a whole city repented and found God.

When I look at myself, I can't see anything that God could possibly use. My talents seem few and small. I have failed him more than I haven't. I feel below average. But if I surrender to Him, who knows how He could use me.


The story of Jonah is much more than just a story about a man that ran from God and got swallowed by a big fish. Read it and think about it.

It has really resonated in me. I wanted to run to God and beg His forgiveness. I didn't do that, but it has changed me.

Some may disagree with me, but I am working on changing some things before I take that step. I have been changing some behaviors and thought patterns. I could take that step now, but I would fall at the first temptation or trial.

I am reading my Bible and praying. Those are things I hadn't done in over 2 years. I am asking God to help me believe and to work in my life. I am working on believing that He loves me. I am changing things in my life that are harmful - thoughts, behaviors, actions. I strongly feel I need to learn more about God, and that I need to work on some areas before I attempt to truly serve Him again. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't feel God is rushing me.

I hope I got across the thoughts I have had on my mind since seeing the production of Jonah. It truly was a powerful message.

Homosexual hypocrisy

There is more than one reason I could never join the ranks of the gay militants. Even if I decided to just be gay and forget God and the church completely, there is an agenda I could never go along with. But what really gets me, is their hypocrisy. They scream and rant about how intolerant conservatives, Republicans, and Christians are (not all 3 are the same). You cannot even disagree with them, or you are labeled intolerant, hateful, and a bigot.

So you would think they would be the most tolerant people around, right? Wrong.

There are tons of examples to prove otherwise, but  the most recent one is the Chik fil A controversy. The restaurant chain is Christian-owned, and the owner recently made the statement that he supports the Biblical traditional marriage, and believes it should be between a man and a woman.

The gay militants and liberals in general went stark raving mad. They are posting all kinds of hateful comments. Hollywood of course has chimed in and is making a big deal about it. One liberal said anyone who eats there deserves to get cancer. Really?!

I can see both sides of view when it comes to issues like gay marriage, and homosexuality in general. I wish I could have someone to love, and I can see why gay people would want to marry someone they love....... but yet, I also know homosexuality is wrong - and I am referring to the act, not having the desires - and that marriage is God's idea, and He made it one man and one woman. When His Word clearly says sex with another gender is wrong, He would never put His sanction on a gay marriage. We have all lost sight of one thing in all this: Marriage is not a government or state issue. They didn't come up with it. God did. And even if gay marriage is ever legal - it won't be God ordained or sanctioned.

But that aside, the owner of Chik fil A did not come out with some rant about gays. He didn't even say it was wrong. He simply said he believes marriage is between one man and one woman, and that brought out the wonderfully tolerance from the crowd who accuses the conservative/Christians of intolerance.

It was so bad, get this: Chik fil A donated food to the emergency workers in the aftermath of the recent Colorado shooting. Twitter and facebook was alive with hateful comments from gay people and the liberals, screaming about Chik fil A and how evil they are. Good grief!

People in general learn to disagree with stooping to hate. Just because someone disagrees with you, does not make them evil and intolerant. And sure, Christians don't always get it right and many need to deal with the gay issue better, without just caving in. We all need to learn to love and agree to disagree.