8 days

It is almost Tuesday, December 24, which will be 8 days that I have gone without giving into porn and masturbation. I could still cave in the next hour and 40 minutes, but I am going by faith that God can keep me another hour and 40 minutes, He helped me say no for the rest of the 8 days.

  This is a record. The longest I have gone in the last few years, or more, was 5 days when I visited my best friend a few months ago...... and that wasn't out of trying not to, all I had was my cell phone, and though I have been addicted, I wasn't so desperate to try to use it.

  I am trying to walk a fine line between being confident I can make it with God's help, and in being overconfident in my own strength. I know I am weak, yet I don't want to focus on my weakness to much, or I will become discouraged and give in.

  Addictions are hard to break, as are habits, and porn is both. There have been many times I have done it more out of habit, than any other reason. Yes, there have been plenty of times I did it to relieve negative emotions, or just out of the need for sexual release, but I am seeing it is both a habit and addiction, which may make it doubly hard to break.

  It is an addiction and habit that I have been trying to break free for too many years, but I don't want to make it too big. I could write a book on the reasons I have had such a hard time overcoming porn and homosexuality, but one of those reasons is I have made the issues bigger than God. A lack of faith has played into it a lot.

  I really do want this to work. I have had a few weak moments where I wondered if it "took". I'm almost afraid to admit it, but things have been going so well. I haven't been extremely tempted, and other than needing to work on being more patient when driving, I haven't been struggling with much. The temptation for porn has been there some, but not too bad.

  But then, if it didn't take, I would think the desire for porn would be a raging desire. That instead of trying not to notice how nice looking guys are, I'd just look and lust...... And I feel peace and not fear....... so I'm having faith that it did take.

  I am one of those people who start listening to Christmas music pretty early. I put aside all other music until after Christmas, but there has been a song on my mind today that I have listened to a few times that is not Christmas: "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave. The whole song applies to me, but the first few lines of the song describe me to a T.... and I don't want it to. I don't want to be held captive to fears of failure and reminders of past failures. I want to totally break free from not just sin, but past failures, religion...... anything that keeps me captive.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last

  I have come to realize it has been more than porn and sex that has held me chained all of these years. Religion, rules, expectations of family and friends, fear, failure.......and more. I don't want to just put my toes into God's grace. I want to dive completely in. I don't want to just break the chains that seem the worst - porn and sex. I want them all broken.

  I am redeemed. I doubt I will ever completely take in all that means. Oh, I get the forgiveness and am starting to get the grace. But its so much more than I have realized. I feel like a little kid just starting to learn about God. I'm eager to learn more, and eager to hear the sounds of chains breaking. All of them.

 

 

"Redeemed"

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed