I am a bit hesitant to post some things, for I don't want to sound overconfident, nor do I want the devil to come after me, but things have been going pretty well lately, and I give the credit to God.
I am still dealing with depression a bit, but it doesn't affect me like it used to. I'll still feel a bit morose at times, and though this is hard to explain, I feel a heaviness between my chest and stomach that has been there all throughout my depression. I have been praying about it and asking God to heal me of it. It may be something I deal with for the rest of my life, but I believe He is able to heal if, if it is His will.
I went a few days without falling to porn, and fell again Sunday, but I am actually encouraged. I don't think about it much, and it used to be the moment I was home alone, I did it. I had a few hours home alone today, and I can honestly say I wasn't much tempted to do it. I watched a couple of things on line, had a time of prayer and reading my Bible, and didn't even consider giving into porn. That's not to say I won't get hard with it later, but I am thankful for each small victory.
Also, the days of beating myself up for falling are over. I don't want to trivialize a fall to porn, but I'm finally getting the idea of grace. God isn't mad at me if I fall, but I do need to repent for it and honestly intend to not do it again.
I am learning God is more patient with me than I could ever imagine, and that I need to be patient also. I need to be patient with Him. He doesn't wave a magic wand and turn us into super saints the second we repent. I also need to be patient with myself. As I said in an earlier post, I am learning to walk, and its a process.
There are still a lot of things that I wish were different, and that I want to change, but I'm trusting they will happen. Getting my own place is something that is important, but not possible yet, and maybe there's a reason it hasn't happened. As frustrating as it is living with my parents and having a total lack of privacy, it has severely curbed my sexual activities. Had I been living with myself, I would have hooked up much more during this time in my life than I did. Maybe I need to be ready in every way to live by myself again before that happens.
I felt it was time to do something about my access to porn a few days ago, so I installed X3watch premium on my computer, laptop, and cell phone. I tried to install it on my tablet, but had no luck. I had a lot of frustrations with the program, and the frustration was pushing me towards the very thing the program was supposed to help me with. When it blocked my own blog, I got ticked off and uninstalled it from everything.
Not sure what to do at this point. I may use Covenant Eyes. I do feel I need some accountability, even if sites aren't blocked. CE is pricier than I wanted, which is why I went for X3 Watch, but that may the route I need to take.
There is a lot of room for improvement, but I am feeling very encouraged most of the time. I read a blog post on the Unicorns, Aliens, and Bigfoot blog that have been resounding with me since I read it this morning. Here is the last part of it:
The Holy Spirit shared that our weary hearts are like vast warehouses full of junk. They are filled with so much stuff, that even God has a tough time finding his way around. However, God has promised us many blessings, but He needs an empty warehouse to store them in. He needs full access to our whole heart. If the warehouses of our hearts are full of junk, where is God supposed to store his blessings? We need to clear out the junk and make room for the new shipments that God promises as we walk in obedience to his Word.
Last of all, the Holy Spirit said, “He’s got trust issues”. Couldn’t that be said of everyone on the planet? Most of us say that we trust God, but we don’t really. Proverbs 3:5&6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” God is trustworthy. Nick got a small deposit of that, this morning. Won’t you do the same? Tomorrow morning, take your bible to the coffee shop or out to the front porch. Take a portion of your lunch to search God’s word for the encouragement you need or the answers you’ve been seeking. No matter how or when you do it, give God access to the “loading dock of your lives” my friends. Ask Him to help you clear out the junk and trust Him to provide all your needs in the New Year. (full blog post here)
God has saved me. I have no doubts about that, but there is still a lot of "junk". As Matthew said, I need to get rid of it and make room for what God wants to do in me. I already have been praying about it today, and know God is going to help me.
In the past, I would get discouraged and give up, realizing there was still "junk" in the way, but God has been opening my eyes up that it isn't going to happen overnight, and I need to stop expecting it too.
We live in a fast food society. There are drive thrus, express check out lanes, HOV lanes on the freeway, microwaves, and other ways of speeding up what we want to do, and I have been so guilty of applying that mentality to my relationship with God. It doesn't work. His timetable is rarely the same as ours, and as much as He wants us to have a better relationship with Him, it takes time and effort on our parts. We can't just cruise up to a window and order a super-sized relationship with God.
As Christmas is fast approaching, I want to get the junk out of the way and make more room for Him in my heart and life. I'm ready and willing.
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