I finally did it. All day yesterday, I felt the urge to repent and give it all to God, so after I went to bed, I prayed and did so. It was a bit rough. I do feel like I have made a lot of progress with some of my crappy views of God, but a part of me felt it was too easy, that I needed to pray a lot longer, and beg and convince God to take me back...... but I didn't. I also tend to expect more of a feeling than I had, but I felt I was sincere and God forgave me. I had been feeling drawn to God a lot, and my only hang up has been quitting porn..... I haven't had much confidence in doing so, though the book I recently read gave me some great insight into quitting. It was just one of those moments that I felt God saying, "why wait?" So I didn't.
Today was a decent day, but I do like my job, so nothing really happened to trip me up in any way.
I knew I was going to have the house to myself this evening, and I started feeling the pull before it even happened to view porn. I kept telling myself "no", but sure enough.... I did it. And what's the really dumb part, is I didn't feel that tempted. It was more like a habit. There have been several times lately when I did it just because I do it when I can get a chance... sure, sometimes I needed the release, but I am realizing part of the battle is going to be breaking the habit, as well as dealing with the temptation.
I wish I hadn't done it, but I am not beating myself up over it. Neither did I feel I was suddenly not a Christian and had to pray my way back to God. I did tell Him I was sorry, and got back up.
I spent some time at work today when no one was around, deleting apps and a couple of websites. After I messed up tonight, I set out to get rid of the rest...... and there were a lot. What is frustrating, is there are a few that you can't delete easily. You have to email about two of them, and one still won't..... they just say if you don't access it for a long time, it will get deleted...... so I did something that may be a little evil on my part for the 3 sites I couldn't just delete...... I changed my profile picture to one that has a man and woman silhouette and a "man and woman" marriage quote. In the profile text, I pasted a couple of verses from the Bible about homosexuality. I'm hoping that will cause my profiles to just get deleted. I can hope.
I have some stuff I need to get rid of which will make the battle a little easier, but not sure how to get rid of it. This morning was garbage day, which I didn't realize til I was pulling out of the driveway, or I could have pitched the stuff this morning..... so that means if I sneak it into our garbage tote, I'll have to wait til next Thursday morning, or at least Wednesday night, to get rid of it. I don't know what else to do with it....... if I knew I wouldn't get caught, I'd throw it in a dumpster at some business, but I might get caught. which wouldn't be bad.
I don't want to be overconfident, for I could easily fall any time, but things are different this time. I still need work on my views of God, but they have drastically changed from what they have been in the past..... and I do think I am finally believing He loves me. And I do believe my reasons for repenting this time are different. I don't feel pushed into it. Hell is a reality, and I don't want to go there, but it hasn't been a ruling factor, and to be honest....... life hasn't been that bad lately. Oh, my parents still drive me crazy, I want my own place. stuff like that, but I didn't turn to God last night for the usual: Miserable, scared of hell, etc......
I do believe in an instantaneous work of grace, but there can be a gradual process leading up to that, and I think that has been the case with me. I have been praying a lot lately, I have been reading a lot of books this past year focusing on God's love, grace, and having a relationship with Him.....and I have been working on being more positive. It isn't that I improved my life to the point I didn't need God, it is kind of like I started a relationship with Him in the last few months that led up to my repenting and giving Him my life. It makes sense to me.
I definitely need prayer, so if you're reading this blog post, please pray for me. Pray I won't give into temptation, and more importantly, that I won't give up. I have done so too easily in the past. And thanks to you who already do.
No comments:
Post a Comment