Learning to walk

   I had a fall again last night. I was out eating with family and there was a really nice looking guy sitting near me who was definitely :my type". I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but I later viewed some porn at home.

   I want to be careful that I don't just keep doing it with the attitude that God will forgive me, but neither do I want to fall into the other extreme that I have fallen into for so long that God is just waiting for me to fall and is already angry at me. That if I do fall, I have to grovel and beg for His forgiveness..... I am definitely getting away from that wrong kind of thinking, but while getting away from it, I don't want to go too far the other way.

  I was upset with myself last night for a while, and then I got to thinking about God's grace, love, and how patient He is. Something else I am starting to get - His patience. And I realized I need to be more patient too. I'm not going to become a Billy Graham overnight - not that I will ever be one, but I expect too much, too soon.

  Porn is an addiction and habit, and its going to be hard to break. God's not going to get mad at me for falling, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try harder to break the addiction. Its just like learning to walk. Everything isn't going to fall into place in a few days. I am going to stumble, fall, and mess up..... I do believe the closer relationship with God that I get, and the more disciplined I get, I'll stay on my feet better with God's help.

  I have been far from being a Christian for so long, that change isn't going to happen instantaneously. Yes, God forgave me instantaneously, but just like any broken relationship, it is going to take time and work to get it where it needs to be. And it will take time and work to break the cycle of addiction I have been in.

  Does that mean I plan on giving in to porn again? No. Definitely not. But if I do, I am going to dust myself off, tell God I am sorry, and keep trying to walk. I have come to realize it is not God who beats me up when I fall, and tells me I may as well give up since I messed up..... that is the devil, and I am so tired of believing his lies. And I have believed far too many of them. If I mess up, God doesn't beat me over the head. I don't have to grovel. I do need to repent of the sin, but then its forgiven and forgotten.

  I have stated many times how messed up my views of God have been, and they really have been. Just one more area they have been so skewed was in this area of forgiveness. Take my two recent falls. In the past, when I fell the second time, I felt God was going to hold it more against me since I had already fallen once, or twice, or more.......but how wrong I have been. He doesn't remember the offense of a couple of days ago. All I need to deal with is this time. That seems like an elementary thing, but to me it isn't. I have so totally missed the whole concept of God's grace and forgiveness. Is it any wonder I have been such a pathetic Christian for so many years?

  There's a song that has been a favorite for years that talks about that, but I never really grasped the idea of the song. I pretty much related it to previous times I had repented and come back to God after a long period away. I never applied it to falls like recent events. To me, if I am stumbling and falling, whether it be just starting out as I am, or when I hit a bad spot, God is impatiently waiting for me to get my act together and has no time for someone who is repenting for the same thing he fell to last week, or yesterday......... but He doesn't remember those....... that's like a whole new thought for me.

  Anyway..... the song. This isn't the artist I have it by, but it is a much newer recording of it, and the artists made a pretty cool music video for the song:

It's Only The First Time:
Verse 1:
There's a secret sin that you live with
And it's tearing you apart
You've prayed and prayed but now you're ashamed
To ask God to cleanse your heart
But even though you've fallen again
When you kneel before Him

Chorus:
It's only the first time
He's forgotten the last time
Oh, the moment you pray His grace takes away
The stain of your sin
Just know that in God's eyes
It's only the first time
He's already there to hear your prayer
And forgive you again

Verse 2:
When the Savior says we must forgive
Time and time again
Then how much more will our Lord
Forgive us when we sin
His love is so strong so wide and so deep
He longs for us to believe

Chorus:It's only the first time
He's forgotten the last time
Oh, the moment you pray His grace takes away
The stain of your sin
Just know that in God's eyes
It's only the first time
He's already there to hear your prayer
And forgive you again