What good does church do me?

 

A couple of things first: Our attitude should not be what can our church do for us. I get that. Second: this is a post I'd normally put on my public blog, but people in my church don't seem to like any criticism of our church very much, so I figured it would be safer to blog here. :-)

 I was thinking, and the thought did come to me: What good has church done me lately, or even in the last few years? Do I need it?

 As I have stated before on here, I moved out of the area for two years and then moved back. Before I moved away, I was more involved in church, and felt more a part of it. I felt connected. Since moving back, I have never gotten back to the place where I felt connected and a part of the church. Some of the same people still talk to me. Its not that I walk in and out and am ignored, but something is missing.

 I rarely see anyone from my church between services. And I honestly can't say what I expected out my church, but these few years that I have been back have been bad for and on me.

 I have been lonely. Depressed. Out of work and out of money. More involved in gay sex and pornography than ever..... My Sunday School teacher has met with me a few times to chat and I know he prays for me. My pastor has met with me an average of once a year since I moved back, but that has been it.

  Several months back, I confided in a lady at church who is like a "mother to the whole church" type of lady. She prays for me and emails me occasionally. But for the most part, I may as well not even be in church.

 My pastor is a good preacher, but I can't think of any sermons that specifically helped me in my struggles and problems.

  Back in June, I started the job I am currently working at. One thing I don't like, is I work every Sunday morning. I miss Sunday morning church, and Sunday School even more so. Sunday School class helped me feel a bit connected. I like my teacher and he welcomes comments.  Fortunately, my church still has Sunday evening services, so I am getting in church, but it has left me feeling more disconnected from church than before.

  But I'm starting to wonder if that might be a good thing. At least for now.

 I can't know if there is a connection, but during this time of not getting much church, I have started doing more on my own to find God. I read more books about His love and grace, and started really searching and praying. I can honestly say church had no influence in my spiritual condition these last few months.

 I am not discounting people's prayers. I know I have a few friends, and possibly people I don't know of, who pray for me. But my journey to finally starting to grasp God's love and grace has been completely independent of the church. God has used books, blogs, and His own speaking to me to do what the church seemingly couldn't do: show me that I indeed matter to God. I'm not worse than other people, and His grace completely covers my sins.

 I like my church. I just don't like some things about it. It seems to me that when people know of someone struggling - and though most people don't know of my sexual struggles - they did know of my depression, my out of work status, my discouragement - it seems to me the family of God that we sing about should do something.

  I've thought about leaving, but I don't know where I'd go. And with my personality, I'd have a hard time adjusting to a new church. Maybe I need to pray more for my church. When I know someone is struggling, do my part to reach out and show God's love. Not be part of the problem, but part of the solution.

  I have never been interested much in missions. The few people I have admitted that to have been horrified. And it probably does sound bad for a person in the church to admit that, but part of the reason I am not, is I don't believe the church should be so focused on people in another country, if they are forsaking and ignoring the hurting in their own pews. Sound crass and insensitive? Maybe.

 But while people in my church have been so excited and gung ho about listening to missionaries speak, and happy to give money to help support them, I, and others, have been sitting there in the same pews. We sit there hurting, wishing someone would reach out and help us, but the church keeps on giving to missions.

  I get that missions are important. Jesus even talked about it, but if a church cannot reach out to the people in their own congregation, its a sad state of affairs.

 I am still hoping for the day that I can be back in morning worship and Sunday School, but I have come to the realization I can get closer to God independent of the church. Do I need church? Most likely, though I definitely need more than I have gotten these last few years. Maybe its time to pray and ask God to show me how I can change things. Change can start with one person, even if that one person is me.