Two nights home alone

   

Living with my parents, I don't get enough solitude. It may not make sense that I'm lonely, but yet I want to be by myself once in a while.

  I have been in the habit of looking at porn and getting off sexually when I am home alone, or after my parents are in bed. I think I can honestly say that has not been my motivation most of the time in wanting to be home alone. Sometimes it has, and I have always done the porn thing if I was home alone with enough time.

  Now that I have gotten back to God and am doing better at a relationship than I have before, I kind of fear being home alone. I still crave alone time, but I have the fear that I will give into porn like I did before.

  There was a Christmas thing going on this past Thursday that I wanted to go to, but after getting home from work I didn't feel like going anywhere. So I stayed home. I prayed about it, and spent the evening enjoying the Christmas tree, reading, listening to Christmas music, etc. And thanks to God's help, I didn't do anything that I shouldn't have.

  Friday rolled around and my parents went to another Christmas thing, one that I had no interest in going to. I had been feeling drawn to porn some throughout the day, and was a bit worried I might cave, but I prayed about it and kept busy. Most of my alone time was spent watching a movie I had been wanting to see. I found the lead male character extremely cute, but tried not to think about that too much.

  After the movie was over, I got a Bible and devotional book out and was still reading when my parents got home.

  Tomorrow will mark a week without porn or masturbation, if I make it, God willing. It has been a long time since I have gone that long, and I credit the fact that I have actually started a relationship with God.

  Its pretty much a miracle that after going since last Sunday without giving in, that I was home alone two nights in a row and didn't fall.

  And I don't want to get overconfident. Until I get something on my computer, I could cave any day if I'm not careful enough and don't stay close to God.

  But I also want to be happy for even small victories, though this is pretty big to me. It does help that I got rid of some "stuff" that doesn't make it as tempting since it isn't around.

  I do think there is a difference in being thankful and giving credit to God, and in being overconfident..... and I am very thankful.